If somebody could please inform...
...most of the population of my school (even those studying 20th Century History!) that there are, in fact, 50 states in the U.S.A., and not 52 ("But Alaska and Hawaii were 51 and 52..." bollocks they were), I'd be ever so grateful.

Yes, I know we're not Americans, but there's no excuse for getting something so persistently wrong!

Edit: workboresme, you'd be right. Cheers for the correction. :-)
(Vulpine or something, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 1:36, Reply)

Cuba Libre!
To me, actually.
Him: you look cuban. Are you Cuban?
Me: No.
Him: are you sure?

Two points: You can't look Cuban anymore than you can look American. And yes, I'm pretty sure about not being Cuban.
(fantastic german, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 1:33, Reply)

My Pilates instructor,
a volunteer running a class in a church, said this week that she thought maybe God made the tsunami because "those people over there" are all Muslims, and he was mad at them for worshipping another god.

She said it flippantly, and even stupider, nobody else in the room but me batted an eye when she said it. I ended up waiting until everyone else left before telling her she was a moron (in not so many words).
(ghettobooty, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 1:32, Reply)

School trips are great
One day back in my youth when I was carefree and innocent I happened to be on a coach with the school on a trip to somewhere or another. We were passing a field and I heard the girl behind me say 'Look at all those skinny cows!' I couldn't help but laugh when her friend who was sitting next to her said 'Actually Jade, those are goats.'
(The Lump is malignant, unlike those pansy benign tumours, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 1:12, Reply)

While working at McDonalds:
Woman: "I want a beefburger."
Me: "Oh, a hamburger."
Woman: "No. A beefburger. Ham is pig, I don't eat pig."

This lead to a short discussion about the history of meat products from German towns that ended with the conclusion:

"Ok, I'll get a you a beefburger, sorry about the packaging, we've run out of beefburger wrappers."
( TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Fri 7 Jan 2005, 1:03, Reply)

in 8th grade
we had a choice of what elective class we chose.

sitting in my chosen elective class, choir, i was discussing with a 7th grader over how i really enjoyed being able to pick my electives.

she replied, in dead seriousness

"oh, and what elective did you pick?"
(sponch!, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 1:02, Reply)

the joys of teaching....
teaching year10 gcse biology, talking the class through the structure of the digestive system. when explaining the features of the stomach, one lad looked very puzzled, and after a while asked how the baby survived in there...when i realised he wasn't joking, i had to explain that babies don't form in the stomach, but in the womb, he then asked what happened to all the intestines as the womb expanded, so i explained how they were all pushed upwards a bit, a look of wonderful enlightenment came over his face as it all ckicked, and he joyously proclaimed "thats why womens breasts grow when they're pregnant then" sadly, he was deadly serious. (he failed by the way)
(bambambambambam, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 1:01, Reply)

My Gran
"In the war we used to try to trick German children by dropping GM food from bombers."
"When they change the clocks, it's to confuse the pedophiles."
"Aren't all internet cafes run by the Church?"
(Goodie, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:46, Reply)

As
a sub-editor, I run up against mind-numbing stupidity more than you would believe possible. One of the writers at a mag I work for once talked about how winners of a safari holiday would awake to see "animals from the animal kingdom" sweeping majestically across the veldt.

Or there was the staff member who was absolutely adamant that Bollywood was an actual place, that before Rick Mayall's "The New Statesman", there was an 'original' series just called "The Statesman", or indeed the actor who told an interviewer that "the most unexpected things happen when you don’t expect them"...

Oh and let's not forget, away from the world of work, an old mate who, when he heard that someone was Canadian, announced that he "had family in Canadia".
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:43, Reply)

My sister
After cutting a pizza into 8 slices and inviting me to take 2 slices, I took the two biggest slices, whereupon she said, "Don't take the biggest slices, they're all the same size!"
( fishsticks, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:35, Reply)

FFYC
One of the subjects i was doing at uni was held at another campus across town. One housemate known as FFYC (Fucken First Year Cunt) used to travel from uni to the other campus then home.

One day he decided to come home first and asked the other housemates."How do I get to SMB (other campus) from here"

When it was explained to him that he had been going there for half a semester he replied "Yeah. I know how to get home from there, but how do I get from home to there?"

He was serious.
(Gordon Shumway, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:33, Reply)

Through the toilet wall on the ferry to France
"Who's Kimberly Clark? Did she invent toilet paper?"
(Klumaster loves teh taser, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:25, Reply)

oh, and another one
nan: "whats that"
me: "its my phone, nan"
nan: "oooh, whats it for?"

*sighs*
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:20, Reply)

My darling wife
On of our mangy toms was rubbing his face against my leg, and I planned on giving my wife a brief education in wildlife. The cat was rubbing scent glands just below his eyes against my leg, just like Deer do.

Me: "What do Deer and Cats have in common?"
MDW: "Antlers?"

Bless.
( Spaniels Ears, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:17, Reply)

said by one of my friends to my cousin who was visiting
"so, you're from wales. are you welsh then?"

there are many others that i cant quite recall in their entirety (due to me being exhausted) but rest assured, i'll post em later

edit: cant forget the classic...

me: "24 is a real time tv show, it last exactly one day, and has 24 episodes"
her: "so, they're [the episodes] half hour long each then?"
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:14, Reply)

In the snooker club on monday evening
There was a group of late teen dick heads playing on the fruit machine, I had the distinct displeasure on being on the nearest table to the shits, when I heard the all time classic "How many goes do you get for a quid?" "Four." "So it's 20p a game?"

I had to really try to stop myself from laughing at that one. Shower of retards.
( Muns, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:14, Reply)

Er.. me. Actually.
While in Paris, we ran out of cash. I asked the waiter "You-take-a-da-Visa?".
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:57, Reply)

"St Anger...
...isn't bad for a debut"

There are people who can spot two errors in that sentance.

Mind you, my university is absolutely crawling with Beauty Therapy and Sports students, so every day is a new voyage into the depths of stupidity.
(underachiever, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:42, Reply)

boy in art class
There's this guy in my art class, who sits very close to me and does so because he really doesn't know anyone else very well. He's said some real gems. Like yesterday:

"I really don't understand...why do you have to pee really badly after you drink a lot of water?"
(dippingsauce, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:29, Reply)

My mother
in all seriousness told me that she was indignant that "they haven't turned off the speed cameras for Christmas".

She scares me.
( chthonic, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:27, Reply)

a girl who shalt remain nameless
'welcome to the 20th century'
'I didn't know americans celebrated new year'
'Are the penines in south africa?'
'Delmonte is in scotland?!'
(Sparkypinkguitar, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:23, Reply)

Everyone has a spakky mate, don't they?
He's comeout with some class one-liners. The most recent one was "What's your average age when you're ten?" though without a doubt his best revelation was his argument against American universities.

"Any country that has an entire university dedicated to locks deserves to crumble."

After beating him about the chops for a while, we told him that Yale University was a bit more comprehensive in its range of subjects.
(Chanticleer, kept, awkwardly, pausing, on, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:18, Reply)

Where is the classic car show?
While working as a car parking steward for classic car shows we get multitudes of people who pull up next to us and the ENORMOUS Classsic Bike Show sign (yes it does have three s's). Squinting out in a molelike manner, they utter "Where's the bike show?"
My all time favourite however, was a guy who burned it across the field towards me, round a tree and ran over the three-foot high EXIT sign before ignorantly enquiring of me "Where's the exit? Why haven't you signposted it better?"
(gibletwarrior, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:17, Reply)

Cows
Apparently all brown cows are boys, and all black and white cows are girls.

According to a kid I taught once.
(Flower has a new job!, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:17, Reply)

Same Ex-Girl
The Titanic was sunk by an Ice-cube
(b3tan generation, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:14, Reply)

i work in a restaraunt with lots of old people
and we have some funny things asjed to us (not overheard really then). some classics are,

'Excuse me dear, I hate to complain but there is a hole in my chicken kiev'
'do we get a teabag with pots of tea?'
'is there any egg in your prawn salad?'
'it's disgusting! there is a fly in my roast beef. its horrible you let them into you kitchen and into the oven' - they were sitting on a table outside.
(fluffytail, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:14, Reply)

Ex-girlfirend in conversation about horses penises
Me: They are all well hung
She: Only the Male ones
(b3tan generation, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:14, Reply)

paris
is that in the uk ?

pumpkins

do they grow on trees ?

my bluetooth doesnt work - i wonder if its the milk ?


(above all coments from flat mates)
( connor, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:08, Reply)

Got a comlaint at work (a hotel returant)
That the "Chefs Hot and Spicy Chillie Dish" (as it is labelled in the menu) was "hot". Needless to say, they didn't get a refund.
(Krizog, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:06, Reply)

first reply
hahahahaah you CUNTS!
( Delete Me, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 23:04, Reply)