At the big anti war march, a year or so ago
I overheard a young lady from the regions on her mobile...

"Where am I... well, i'm just outside a big clock, i think its a church.. yeah really big"

I hasten to add we were standing opposite Big Ben.

Ignorance makes me cry :(
(i_dont_like_underscores, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 21:27, Reply)

Americans again...
Just a minute ago my house telephone rang and it was a guy with an American accent. The conversation went like this:

American guy: Hello, is Lorenzo there?
Me: No, you dialed the wrong number
American: Er maybe you can help me. I am trying to call Sardinia. The number is [insert digits here]. Can you tell me how I call Sardinia from the States?
Me: Er, no.
American: Why not?
Me: because I live in London, I've never been to the USA and I haven't got clue how to make an international call from there duh.
American: Sorry. [Hangs up]

Cue fits of laughter.

Fucking numpty.
(freshtonic, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 21:26, Reply)

timekeeping
Whilst standing at bus-stop many years ago a man waddled up the road and nervously stood next to me, hopping from one foot to the other.

A brief glance at his face confirmed that he was, how shall I say... 'devoid of mental wealth' ( retarded is such an ugly word).

After a few awkard minutes of him hopping about he turned to face me,

"Exthcuthe me!"
"Yes?"
"D-D-Do you know what time it ith?"
"No, I don't I'm afraid..."
"It'th quarter patht four"

He then ran off at break neck speed back down the hill he'd just lumbered up, presumably to go and tell someone what day it was.
( moonjam, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 21:02, Reply)

Filling in surveys for the college I attend,
one of the questions was "Do you live within or outside Richmond?"

The answers available were Yes and No.

I wrote a rude note by the question explaining why it was asshat.
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 20:48, Reply)

Far too cold to be walking
On an extremely cold day my brother and I had to catch a bus to school - upon walking to the bus stop my brother stated - "Its so cold my balls could drop" * long pause * "I mean they could drop off"

Oh how I think about my brothers balls everytime it gets cold.
(multipac, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 20:31, Reply)

Really stupid
We keep journals when we read novels in our english class so we can write down our thoughts, predictions, etc. While we were reading Of Mice and Men, this one girl kept referring to the main character, George, as Frank. Then, at the end of the novel, she asked the teacher why "Frank" wasn't mentioned in the book, since he was such an important character.
(joew515, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 20:30, Reply)

a few years back
I was doing tech support for a healthcare firm, mostly we spoke to nurses who were good, hardworking folk, but not the most technically literate.

As the hardware expert, I was sitting with Anna, the program expert and a manager talking to a lady in the deep south(US) on a speakerphone. Anna asked the woman to please close all the windows, and the woman replied in a long drawl, "You mean in the whole building?"

Anna immediately muted the speakerphone and we all broke out in gales of laughter that had the whole office floor sticking their heads out of their cubicles.
( Purple Onion, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 20:23, Reply)

Relatively ignorant
Picture the scene........
Sunday afternoon round the in-laws,
Lunch finished......
Wifey talking about the decorating recently completed to her parents and sister .

'Yes, we did some lovely stuff in the dining room, New doors, new carpets and new wallpaper'.

'Ian even put up a new dildo rail thing around the wall'.

And did any of them work out why i was in tears with laughter?

Nope not in the slightest, well not til i got home and told her. lol
(vamp1refrog, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 20:16, Reply)

Personal PIN number...
... is a favourite, but there are more. When working at a bank in Manchester, I spent the afternoon of September 11th 2001 watching the terrorism happen. Upon returning to my desk I informed the team that Osama Bin Laden was the man suspected of flying the two plnes into the world trade centre, causing them to fall down.

My assistant boss wanted to know which department Osama worked in, why he did it and which tram stop in Salford Quays the world trade centre was closest to.

Fucking idiot.

Also, my boss was later heard saying I should have been doing my work instead of watching the thing on telly as 'it would be repeated anyway'. No sense of occasion, some people.
(governmentyard, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 20:15, Reply)

American News
When ever I watch the Fox News Channel (Sky Ch 531 in the UK).
(Woody999, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 20:12, Reply)

At the cinema donkey's years ago...
...sitting watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, behind me were a mum and her daughter who talked loudly throughout the whole film.

At one point the girl went off to the loo, during which time Indy had found the Ark of The Covenant (audience goes "Ooooh!"). When the girl came back the following conversation happened;
Girl: "Mum, what's happened?"
Mum: "They've found the Ark of the Covenant, love."
Girl: "Oh..." pause... "What's that, then?"
Mum: "It's a bit like Noah's Ark."
Girl: "Oh..." pause... "Where are the animals?"
(bez_lightyear, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 19:50, Reply)

Should a child be saying this?
A friend's niece who was about 4 at the time walks up to her mum and gets her attention.

NIECE: "Mum! Can we have a buggery?"

MOTHER: "What?! Where did you learn that word?!

NIECE: "I mean like a wormery except with bugs."

True story.
(dirty gypsy, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 19:36, Reply)

I'm an IT trainer
Every delegate who comes on a course usually has to fill in a pre-course questionnaire. In 1996 I had one returned with the the following question /answer.

Q : How long have you been using Access?

A : 12 years.

Which would have been 1984. Maybe 9 years before Access was released. Why the wrong answer?

The dozy git had had an Access Card (remember, your flexible friend).
(nevin Sharpness is a bourgeois concept, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 19:35, Reply)

Basildon, home of a thousand fuckwits
Two pleasant old ladies in a charity shop, happily conversing:

Old Lady 1: My oldest's taken up that Reiki
Old Lady 2: Ooh, Reiki! That's where they don't believe in God, isn't it?

I discreetly wandered away, smirking.

Another (different) shop lady, when confronted with a necklace with a charm in the shape of a slightly suspect leaf:

Oh, look, an oak leaf!

A new one from today, no less- an old couple discussing what one of their children had done on their holiday:

Old Lady: They had a lovely time, she said she went huskie-riding, and...

Huskie riding? Poor things!

Working where I work, I spend a lot of time selling alcohol and drink paraphenalia to... well, to idiots, really. And every weekend in the summer, we still get this one at least twice:

Customer: Do you sell ice?
Assisstant: Yes.
*pause*
Customer: Where is it?
Assisstant: *hits head repeatedly against till*

No apologies for length, in my part of the world it's something treated with respect.
(underachiever, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 19:20, Reply)

Kids
I have a 5 year old neice. The other day I was preparing some steak and she wandered in and said "Which animal is that from". Sensible question i think so I reply "Its a cow".

Completely dead pan, she turned and looked at me and said "Don't be stupid Uncle, Cows taste of milk".

I can however see her logic
(grimmmy, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 19:18, Reply)

oh dear lord no
Passed on to me by by a friend, happened to his father on a plane

Man: So you're a vegetarian then?
Woman: Yes! It's just so cruel, I can't stand the thought of all those poor veals being slaughtered!
Man: ?!

I hope she stays firmly out the gene pool.
(thefatsnowman, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 19:05, Reply)

Anyone for the cinema
When I was at uni we were all sat around trying to think of what to do for the evening.

My housemate turned around and said "Well, we could all go and see that Film, you know the one about the priest".

She actually meant "The passion of Christ". Viva la blondes
(grimmmy, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 19:02, Reply)

man on cell phone
saying loudly in passing;
"well, it's a good thing we got that new mattress 'cause he peed the bed again last night...."
(travbot, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 18:57, Reply)

Two in one weekend.
The two stupidest things I've ever heard both took place in the same weekend. The first was in New York City, around Union Square. There was a woman standing on the corner, on her cell phone. She looked lost, and had an out-of-town accent. She said the following:

"Well I don't know where I am. Let's see. There's, uh, there's a Starbucks, and a subway entrance, and some road construction."

The second was two days later, standing on line at a grill. There was a man there in his late fourties, and a woman with him that could have been his daughter, but clearly wasn't. It was a hot August day, the hottest of the year. This is what I heard.

Woman: Oh, that reminds me. That meat I took off my sandwich and put in my purse?
Man: Yeah?
Woman: It's still in there. I think I left it in the car.
Man: Oh.
Woman: Yeah, it's been in there all day.
Man: Oh.
Woman: Do you think it's still okay to eat?
(aden_nak, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 18:47, Reply)

ikea world
At school a geography teacher told us once of a girl in his class who thought the earth was flat (she was probably about 15 years old)When he pointed out all the round planets her reply was 'yeah, but look, in the book they're all flat too.'

I think I got a C in geography but I won't be falling off the edge of the world just yet.
(cuckooland, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 18:46, Reply)

Clare Voyant
At college doing beauty therapy, a girl was talking about her visit to a medium the night before. It took a while to twig, but she was talking about a woman called Clair Voyant. She thought that all the signs advertising a clairvoyant was one woman. "I thought she must have been a very busy person" was her remark.
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 18:23, Reply)

Working in a pharmacy....
I once got a phone call from a worried mother who had found some tablets in her daughters room, and she wanted me to help identifie them. I asked her about the markings and shape etc. 'Well, quite small and white' she said. I asked her if they had anything wrote on the side of the tablet 'treebor' she said. Problem solved, treebor mighty mints d'oh
(dr-kill, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 18:03, Reply)

Doh!
Because I can never remember my PIN, I spent twenty minutes queuing in the local branch of the Halifax to withdraw some cash. Having usefully used the queue time to read all the leaflets, I finally presented myself at the cashier to make the withdrawal, whereupon the rest of the queue overhead the following conversation;

Me (Handing over card) : "Just twenty quid please"
Cashier : "Wrong card sir, that’s an Alliance & Leicester card"
Me : "Eh?". (Steps back from the counter, stares at the VERY obvious HALIFAX sign over the counter which I’d just spent 20 minutes looking at). "Shit! I don’t even have a Halifax account".

Oh! How they laughed, as I skulked around the corner to a completely empty A&L...

Arse.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 18:03, Reply)

40mph. On a 60 limit. Wow.
A friend who is learning to drive was boasting about speeding, how he always pushes the limit by going oh, 1 or 2 mph over the limit. "Hell," he says, "I even go at 40mph on that road to Hamilton!".

Me: You know the signs on that road? The white circles with black lines through them? They mean national speed limit applies.

Him: Yes, 30mph

Me: *Slaps forehead* You can go at 60 on that road you asre!

Not exciting but best i could think of.
(900c58, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 17:59, Reply)

Americans - who else
Just seen posted on www.thedailywtf.com

I will have to disagree with you on this point. The freedom of speech and of press in the United States can't be beat. I think there's a limit to what you can say/publish in certain European countries. After you step over that line, the secret police shows up. That's pretty scary.
(loquis, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 17:48, Reply)

'L'users
Not saying, but doing;

Many, many moons ago, I asked a customer to send us a copy of their payroll data on a floppy disk*. About two days later, a photocopy of the payroll disk duly arrived, to much sniggering around the office.

After phoning the punter and explaining that we would need an actual copy of the data on a floppy disk, one duly arrived, with a watermelloning compliment slip stapled through the middle of it....

Twunts!


* In t' olden days - a 5.25in 'floppy' floppy disk, not one of those new-fangled 3.5 non-floppy ones

Gaz (from further down)- She ain't as stoopid as you think; auto.howstuffworks.com/question424.htm
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 17:32, Reply)

On the train going through the Mersey Tunnel (under the River Mersey)
My girlfriend, normally a paragon of intelligence, asked me "Is there a stop halfway?"

That same paragon of intelligence asked if there were "two kinds of eggs, one for chicks and one for eating".
( dingochutney *parp*, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 17:27, Reply)

User Support
A clients machine has crashed and using the universal support addage of "turn it off, turn it on again" i was asked:

do i turn of the top bit or the bottom bit!!!
( archie Bubba, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 17:20, Reply)

This one's for jeccy
Back when I worked on helldesk for a large electrical outlet (Caremaster or something like that) I had a bloke ring me up and tell me he had 98 Windows.

Must have cost him a f*cking bomb in Windolene...
( TooMuch2AM, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 17:10, Reply)