Oil change
My first car, my first oil change.

If I'd read the instructions it would have informed me that it *is* possible to overfill the oil tank.

A few minutes later I have to pull over on the A40 as I can't see due to the smoke billowing from the car engine.

On the plus side I'd made a big low-level oil cloud that sat on the road for quite some time.
(breakfastwithjam, Fri 5 May 2006, 9:18, Reply)

mum spent the whole day telling me food that came out the oven was hot
...so, curious about exactly how hot 'hot' was, i put my hand flat against the boiling-fat turkey on christmas day.

i was 6.

although i was a little bit older still when I decided to throw away the instructions for the mercury thermometer (for some reason thinking it worked like those tabs-against-your-forehead thingys) and, for the benefit of international science of course, find out Exactly How Hot Steam Is by holding it over a boiling kettle.

it exploded and left mercury all over the kitchen. I made out it had been left on the shelf above. mum believed me, and until 5 years ago when my parents had the kitchen done, you could still find little bits of it in the back crevices of the food preparation surface. eek.

my brother and dad refuse to read instructions, doing the whole 'we'll figure it out for we are MEN' thing. which eventually meant i would end up staying up to the wee hours dismantling and putting together whatever item (be it toy, furniture or OS) they had gotten bored with and walked away from. every. single. time. i still get calls from mum to come over and help, even though i will now have my man in tow, who will extend the process further before i can get a look-in to fix it.

my favourite instructions were on a japanese-made frying pan my mate's dad bought that said 'please not to burn the bum'. how true those words are even today.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 5 May 2006, 9:18, Reply)

I played Zero Wing without looking at the introductory animation.

For the entire game, I had no idea who all my base were belong to.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 May 2006, 8:27, Reply)

Fun and Games with Chemistry
"if any gas in generated, do not inhale"
another student in the class decides to inhale and discovers the intense pain that rapidly condencing Hydrochloric Acid has on your sinuses when you inhale it.

he then had a hose inserted in his nose for about 45 minutes cycling water through it to rinse them out before spending the night in Hospital.
---
same class, different experiment.
this time, we had to cunduct the experiments outside with portable bunsens, ours turned out to be faulty (no, really).
it exploded, and though no one was injured, it did set a fairly decent size patch of grass alight, so we put it out using the distilled water bottle we needed for a later stage of the experiment.

our teacher protested that this wasn't proper use of distilled water, and we were banned from conducting experiments for the rest of semester for not following instructions.

the principal found out, and immediately reinstated our experiment participation and reprimanded the teacher. we were then given awards for quick thinking.

sometimes not following instructions is a good thing, though i'm sure we'd have pleased more people if we'd let the block burn down.
(mikewicked, Fri 5 May 2006, 8:23, Reply)

Sign
There was this dodgy handwritten sign on my old company's underground carpark about 11 years ago one summer: "Do not park here if you have just filled up with petrol"

Pah - I laugh in the face of such idiot handwriten signs. So I park my Fiat Uno (I know, I'm so very sorry too) after having just filled it right to the brim (like you do).

Couple of hours later, I come back to the car to find a worried looking security guard and about a gallon of petrol leaking out of my car. Turns out the air conditioning vented into the carpark (WHY????) and petrol expands when warm. The carpark was a steady 43 degrees and there was petrol everywhere.

So I did the clever thing and got in my car and drove off. Quickly. Smoking was banned in the carpark soon thereafter......

There was this contractor who threatened to report me for parking there now I think about it as I shouldn't have had a pass to park there - The f***ing w***er - you know who you are, I'm going to come and get you - you b***ard.

Ahem - Sorry, the rant's a bit off topic....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 5 May 2006, 8:17, Reply)

Button
Why is it that when you're told to not push that button that you immediately want to - usually leading to large fires.....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 5 May 2006, 8:11, Reply)

how do you follow these instructions?
instructions on a friend's car radiator cap:
Open Unusually.

ok. o.O

apparently this doesn't mean "Immediately after driving for 40 minutes." he was damed lucky he didn't steam-cook his eye.
(mikewicked, Fri 5 May 2006, 8:08, Reply)

Do staplers have instructions...?
Well,i presume they do,but I didnt read them. When I was very young,I was showing off to my mum about how i was gonna fix a stapler with a staple stuck in it (I was only about 6). Mum said ok,as long as i dont staple my finger....

Luckily I got the bugger out before my mum actually found out,and stopped the bloodflow. I didnt even cry!

Also,when my mum told me not to bite my nails or id get an infection. Hah,I though,old wives tales.

A few months later,I had a giant green ballon-finger. And I didnt show my mum until my friend made me,giving the reason "well,what if you have,like..finger cancer?"
(Miharu, Fri 5 May 2006, 7:30, Reply)

don't
"go for a pee after you've been chopping those (chillies), wash your hands before it"


&pees_

lol @ me for burning, and dad laughing.

Parents clearly know best.

No apologies for 'lol'. Force of habit. :)
( moohalaa, Fri 5 May 2006, 2:24, Reply)

Hmmm...
I think I can sum this up simply enough. Mum always said "Whenever you run a bath keep an eye on it". Ummm... I ended up leaving the bath running for three hours. And completely destroying the flat of the people who lived below. It's not surprising we didn't get our deposit back.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 5 May 2006, 1:37, Reply)

Bloody scars
1) In the backgarden with my 5 year old cousin
Mum: "Don't piss around with that slate Flex, you'll cut yourself"

"hmmm" thinks 7 year old me "wonder how sharp this slate is?"

Bloody scars never go away, eh?

2) around the same time, the town centre was being done up so there was scafflding everywhere
Mum: "Stop running around, you'll hurt yourself"

Why are mums ALWAYS right? Busted my chin up something rotten.

Its a wonder, after two A&E visits at age 7 for bone deep cuts in the same month, Social Services weren't contacted.....
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Fri 5 May 2006, 1:03, Reply)

christ...where to start
well...i have to be honest(sorry), i always read the instructions to anything...mainly because i don't want to screw up like everybody else does.....

one of my mates will buy a game(i don't know if this means all games or just PS2 and xbox) and REFUSE to read the instructions...insisting he will "pick it up" easily enough....so five minutes in, he also ignores optional tutorials, and i've had to tell him how to 'jump that small hole' or what 'this button' really does and why he's about to die!
My brother does the same...but he immediately gets me to tell him how to play them (ie list controls and other important points)...i just let him suffer now

However...the biggest offender(and yes! it should be a criminal offence) is my mum.
she will bin every set of instructins she can find....including;my digital cam-corder instructions TWICE less than 2 days after i got it!!! she recently bought some garden lights(solar powered) and can't get one to work...i can't help her out because when i asked for the instructions...well what's the first thing she does with the set of instructions that came with it??? Yup! in the bin they go! How the fuck can anybody just refuse to read instructions for almost anything?!?

oh and everyone i work with purposefully ignores my simple instructions....because they know it annoys me!


edit:erm....sorry for the rant...it sounded funnier in my head
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Fri 5 May 2006, 0:26, Reply)

(Now Ex) Girlfriend tries to kill me...
Without mentioning any names (you know who you are) - a girlfriend tried to kill me once - she claimed she misunderstood the instruction "Do not turn the electricity back on, I don't trust your house and it's 1950's wiring" while I changed the ceiling rose in her hallway.

Imagine my suprise to find myself no-longer on the top of a ladder, but in a heap at the bottom of the hallway, screwdriver still in hand, unable to bend my arm for sometime afterwards.

Her reaction - "Opps - I thought it would be O.K to flip it back on to make a cup of tea".

I suppose that should have warned me for the things to come...
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 5 May 2006, 0:09, Reply)

ignoring instructions
i had this friend once who slept with a sheep, wasnt even a dare or stag-night prank, he just slept with a sheep. i think she was called flossy, well thats what it said on the grave stone, the farmer caught them and killed both of them.
that was a depressing eulogy












has anyone seen the new qotw?
(antifilth, Fri 5 May 2006, 0:01, Reply)

Instructions, we don't need no stinkin' instructions
I have ignored just about every single instruction there is,
Every piece of good advice freely given,
Every sensible suggestion,
Every single clear direction,
Every speed limit and camera.

Manuals...ignored.
Warnings...ignored.
Common sense...ignored.
Maps...who fucking needs 'em.

If there's a right way I'll find it my way
which means I find it by all of the wrong ways.

I've been beaten up, blown up, patched up, stitched up, thrown out, thrown off, ripped off.
I've fallen out of trees, walked off boats, been run over and opened my kneecap with a sword.
I've welded my hand, skewed my foot, firebombed a wasps nest and stapled my little finger to a desk.

When I was a kid the police used to call at my house first when anything truely bloody stupid had been done - not criminal, well not criminally criminal...just stupid.

Have you ever attached a tractor innertube to a garage forecourt high pressure air hose and held down the trigger until it explodes...No...don't!...I hurts like fuck (although the noise is quite exceptional and the look on the car owners faces is worth a week of deafness).

Do you know why they tell you not to put aerosol cans in fire...I do...what they don't tell you is do not use in conjuction with clay based water pipes and oil filtars to make mortars (don't do this if you don't want a dirty great scar down the centre of your nose...at least).

That's it for now...if you want any advice feel free to ask :)
( Attila the Bun is not in a right cunt of a mood, Thu 4 May 2006, 23:27, Reply)

I know what happened but -
I went blind for quite a while.

What were the instructions?

I don't know. I ignored them. : )
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 4 May 2006, 22:49, Reply)

"Please only post stories here, as comments will appear out-of-order and only make the page unreadable."
Ha! Great story. I wish I had one that good.
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Thu 4 May 2006, 22:39, Reply)

PULL
*pushes*
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Thu 4 May 2006, 22:36, Reply)

Not me, but it could still happen.
Part of my job involves launching weather balloons. Now in the UK we always use Helium. Here in the arse end of the South Atlantic it's too expensive to keep shipping Helium cylinders back and forth so we use Hydrogen, which can be generated on-site. Hydrogen is an explosive gas so there's all sorts of safety gear we're supposed to wear when filling balloons. Namely: gloves, goggles, a flash hood, a thick coat (lovely during a hot summer day) and special shoes that prevent any static electricity build up.
Most of us wear none of these. They're uncomfortable and don't really offer anything other than the illusion of protection.
So I was very suprised to get told "You WILL wear the safety gear from now on" by a boss who knew I generally went to the shed in jeans and a t-shirt.
His reason for going straight into CMA mode?
A coworker who shall remain nameless (Hi Pete!) had gone out a couple of weeks before my arrival and somehow managed to get a balloon to explode in his hand, throwing him about 6 feet. Air Traffic had seen the explosion from the tower but had been too busy pissing themselves laughing to do anything. As had the fire section.
I still don't wear any of the safety gear though. Guess I'm b3tarded.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 4 May 2006, 22:26, Reply)

Don't hold a match to an Aerosol can
Check list:
1 Aerosol can. Check.
1 Match. Check.

Spray aerosol, light match - flamethrower! Cool :-)

Lifted off the can and flame makes it back into the can and, er, BANG! Much screaming and soiling of pants.

Didn't do it again......
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 4 May 2006, 22:01, Reply)

NO USER SERVICABLE PARTS.
Pfft! Never put me off.
( Jimvin dropped plates on your arse at, Thu 4 May 2006, 22:00, Reply)

Blue blood
Copper sulphate. Lovely stuff you got to play with at school on a little petridish to go on top of your bunsen burner. So very blue, so very pretty, so don't you dare touch it or it'll burn right through your skin. So what does class clown Justin do? Starts chucking it round, some lands on the back of his hand, and we watch it melt, replacing lily white man flesh with a lovely gaping bloody hole. For someone whose voice had just broken, he couldn't half scream like a girl.

Speaking of girls, Impulse is much better saved for spraying round your pits for attracting the likes of Justin, NOT sprayed all over the aforementioned bunsen burner. When a man you've only just met suddenly goes up in flames, that, my friends, is Impulse.
(whatswiththemonkey, Thu 4 May 2006, 21:37, Reply)

Don't throw fireworks
When I was about 8 we had the usual family fireworks do, launching rockets, watching catherine wheels and holding sparklers. But we also had some bangers (which I guess you just don't get anymnore so I shall explain for the children - small crayon sized sticks of explosives with the blue touch paper at one end). Now bangers were simple, you lit them and they went bang. So you had to do one of two things to make them more amusing:
1. Drop them in a tin can and watch it bounce around
2. Light the touch paper and throw them.

Now it clearly says not to do this, and my mum said exactly the same thing, but being 8 and liking the excitement I did it anyway.

All was going well until one quite simply exploded in my tiny hand.


But because my Mum had told me not to do this I couldn't make a sound and certainly not tell her what had happened. So I bit my lip, saw through the festivities and eventually went to bed with some mionr burns to the whole of my hand. I think it was a couple of days before she found out.
( HappyToast Groat froth, Thu 4 May 2006, 21:02, Reply)

dont copy videos seen on b3ta
a while back there was a video on the newsletter where some geezer made a flamethrower out of a super soaker. it also said do not try this at home. so me and my ginger cunt friend stephen did, we very narrowly avoided a horrific burning when the whole water pistol went up in flames, luckilly the ginger tosser launched the flame thrower across the garden when things started to get extremely flamable. very very cool for the brief few seconds before the explosion and near horrific burning.
(fwack bang on it, Thu 4 May 2006, 20:02, Reply)

White Spirit (do not leave next to drinks)
So our garage is joined on to our kitchen, and we keep all the bottles of drinky stuff on a shelf in the garage (to keep 'em cold or summin). Anyway, every so often I'll find a bottle of white spirit on this drinks shelf, that my dad claims to have 'put down' and 'forgotten about'.
The white spirit never has a label, and can only be identified by the ridgey-type bottle.
So it's not as if we can read the label and see the scary looking toxic symbol. My dad is a clumsy bastard, and he is continuously doing ridiculous things, but how can you repeatedly put something like that next to fluid we intend on ingesting, and forget about it?

I think hes waiting for one of us to roll in plastered and dehydrated...
(Hanargh, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:57, Reply)

Sparky!
My Dad told me not to touch a spark plug when it was attached to the lead, as that was what ignited the fuel inside the cylinder...I followed his advice and did not get shocked.

Two weeks later, my brother convinced me my Dad was lying, I believed him (bastard) and held the end while he kicked the motor over...after I silmultaneously shat and pissed myself and he pretty much did the same laughing...

PS, Geoff, when I die and join you, you are sooo fucked mate!!
(essbeenz there done that, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:55, Reply)

GCSE mock exam
I didn't read the bit about only answering one question. So I answered the fucking lot.

Got an A* with 99/100

On the proper I only got a bastard C!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:44, Reply)

chemistry teachers
I had two chemistry teachers, one of whom was a bit slapdash to say the least - Mr Olec. The other was OK - he was quite a laugh, but also relatively sensible - Mr Harrison.

At the beginning of the course, Mr harrison gave us a short list of rules never to break. One of these was to always turn on the fans of the fume tanks when working with dodgy chemicals, and another was that if you can smell almonds leave the classroom at once, as it's probably cyanide gas.

Apart from always forgetting to turn on the fume tank fans and therefore filling the room with, for example, purple smoke, one occasion comes to mind...

Mr Olec was teaching us when a very strong smell of almonds came wafting through from the lab technicians room. We all got up to go, and Mr Olec said "where the hell do you think you're going?"
I tentatively put my hand up and pointed out we could smell almonds. "So what?" I explained about the cyanide gas thing, and he said "oh, it's probably OK - nobody leave or they'll fail their practical."

Still, no-one died so I guess he was right.
(teasus likes tea, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:44, Reply)

they told me not to push the button
but i pushed it! badass i am. bad. ass.
eeeeeeee.

abrupt ending.

...im so very sorry.
(quibble, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:43, Reply)