This is my insult.
I think this QOTW is shit!
(Miggyman, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:21, Reply)

Thanks to "The Fast Show" for this
When I first started this job, a load of us workers were taken on and organised into teams of 12. On this team were a manager, 3 seniors and normal lackies. Myself, Justin and a guy called Chris were designated as the seniors and we all got on with the job. Well that was except for Chris. He started to get a bit anal with regards to talking and approaching other staff, except toward me? For some bizarre reason he'd been miserable as sin towards the others, and I got singled out as the "friend amongst enemies". How the fuck I managed to earn this is anyone's idea.

So a few months pass, and Chris is getting more and more agitated with work and paranoid about other staff "talking about him", which is only really people voicing concern for him (not against) and he starts doing odd things to other members of staff. One he tried dropping a heavy book on her head from a slight height, another he'd be spying on quite clearly while we're all working....it was all rather odd.

So one night after work, we're all yapping on MSN and in logs Chris. The others keep a window open and talk to me while Chris is whining on about how we "don't understand" etc etc. I'm just cpoying-pasting all of this into the other conversation with the team, and they've all got the giggles. In the middle of this, I come out with the reply "Just tell us what's going on mate, you need to be more assertive, like that Monkfish bloke on the Fast Show."

Hence the legend of "Monkfish" is born.

They (and I) were doctoring pics of monkfish, getting menus left at desks with monkfish highlighted as the special and cut-outs from the Fast Show left randomly around the desks too. Big posts with "Sponsored by Monkfish", also we went into his email account (for we work for an ISP) and added the address MONKFISH@******ld.com too, which we subscribed to various porn sites etc.

A few months later he went the full course and threatened to smash my face in in work, saying I'd been spreading rumours behind his back. Justin saw this and quietly reminded him that everyone was sick of this and he'd drill him up the road after work, and at the end of the shift we never saw Monkfish again. A real shame that :p
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:17, Reply)

one from the West of the US:
You're too dumb to drink piss out of a boot with instructions printed on the heel.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:15, Reply)

Posh pisshead
My folks had come up to rainy Mancland to see me and the wife's new house. We decided to take them out for a meal in posh Didsbury. Before we went to the restaurant, we nipped into a nice-looking pub.

While we were in there, a bit of an arguement broke out between a couple of customers, one of whom was effing and jeffing a fair bit.

The barman asked him to leave. The drunk ignored him. He asked him to leave again. Same deal. Barman comes round the bar and says "If you don't leave, I'll throw you out myself" to which the drunk replied: "You sir, are a twat!"

I completely creased.

The landlady had entered the fray at this point and was pushing the drunk towards the door saying "it's over, get out" repeatedly. As he neared the door, the pissartist said to her "Madam, if you want it to be over, you merely need to sing". It took us a little while to cotton on to that one.

Two of the poshest insults ever.
(ScousersPet, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:15, Reply)

Lunar Jim
Like I said - entertainment purposes only.

Watch, but don't participate.

In my case, on stag weekends. Typically in Prague.

Obligatory insult to remain on topic - this time for gay men:

Chutney ferret.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:59, Reply)

My Name
At work everyone calls me Fred West... nuff said.
(Miggyman, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:58, Reply)

Impossible to retaliate to
The owner of my local corner shop was having an argument with a customer over something or other, the customer shouted "fuck you!", the owner replied with "fuck you 10 times!"

There really is no comeback to that unless you're going to go in in multiples of 10, but saying "well fuck you 100 times buddy!" which just sounds ridiculous :)
(he who walks, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:57, Reply)

I'm told that in a Viking saga

Someone is insulted by being accused of being "fond of bathing."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:56, Reply)

K2k6
Ewwww, you've done it with a Sultana Flicker?
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:56, Reply)

Just remembered
You'll never be the man your mother was!
( girlinthehole, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:53, Reply)

Quick one

I like uphill gardener. S'funny.
(schnuff, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:46, Reply)

Big girl's blouse
Funnily enough, we men sometimes regard lesbians in that way too!

Only for entertainment purposes though.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:44, Reply)

And just to fit in
with the one line answers, from those unable to think of stories...

You look like Darth Vadar with his mask off.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:43, Reply)

Scooby
.
Have pearoast that had me laughing like a loon first time around. Best. Insult. Ever.

www.b3ta.com/questions/mugged/post56974/


I work in Hackney. This place is where good muggers go when they die. Too many stories.

The best was when I was waiting for a bus on Maire Street. A 17 year old wigger bad boy sucks his teeth in (doubtlessly reflecting his wannabe Caribbean cultural heritage).

'Giz your wallet'

There are about twelve people waiting at the bus stop with me who all heard and saw this.

'No.' I reply.

Sucks his teeth again.

'Giz yo wallet or I is gonna get my people on you.'

A Caribbean pensioner laughed out loud and said:

'Yo peepil? Who is yo peepil? Dey is Mary poppins 'an scooby doo! Now you missed da school bus ten minute ago, get ya walkin!'

He skulked/ exaggeratedly limped off towards the Empire.

'Thanks' I said sheepishly, wondering at the bizarre combination of Mary Poppins and Scooby doo as his choice of derision.

'No problem fella' said the old man, 'I sin him every day walkin' down here, only normally tis with an au pair you see.'

'Oh' I said, 'Mary Poppins, I get it.'

'Right.'

'And what about scooby doo?' I ask

'His par sister look like a dog.


My compliments to sadler


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:43, Reply)

Who does your hair -
the council?

(one from Julian Clary)
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:42, Reply)

worst insult ever.

One of my brother's friends, who was a bit slow, saw my brother with a Groucho Marx nose-and-glasses on or something like that, and said "hur, you look more like yourself now."

Also he had a deep, slow, stereotypical stupid guy kind of voice, which made it even less effective.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:42, Reply)

Is that... is that warm cutlery?
I'm going to try and do something totally original here, and not use the word 'thundercunt' once in this post.

Apart from that time.

Anyway, back in the halycon days of University I was, as is the wont for most students, working in a restaurant. If you've ever been through Wakefield (and if you have, God (or whatever your preferred deity is) bless you), you may know of the existence of a restaurant known as Wolski's. I used to work there.

So anyway, one day myself and one of my fellow barstewards were stood around on a quiet Sunday afternoon, polishing cutlery in hot water.

It was at this point that one of thie kitchen porters came to the bar, looking for a drink. We'll refer to this chap as John, because it was fashionable at the time and I'm not about to let the idea go lightly. Anyhoo, John came to the bar and, through a cloud of spittle and teeth and hands that were slightly too large, got his drink. He then proceeded to tell us about how he'd been told off for replacing puy lentils with peas because they 'looked similar'.

Bless him, he didn't know better (and having said that, neither would I).

It was at this point that, polishing a spoon, I associated the smell of warm cutlery with latent stupidity and gormlessness.

And from that day on, if you were stupid, ignorant, gormless or gullible you were referred to as a 'hot spoon'.

This, of course, lead to Spoonery.

Other insults that we invented (so as not to get in trouble with customers):

You HESSIAN SACK.
You make me want to take Blood and Stomach pills!
You... you... you... MONK!

I'd better go. I have babbled long enough!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:42, Reply)

Legless
Lesbians aren't competition - their a treat we give ourselves now and then.
( girlinthehole, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:42, Reply)

A simple one
to be used when someone is overestimating their own importance:

"And you are...?"
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:39, Reply)

Gay Guys
.
All you straight guys are wasting your time thinking up insults for Gay guys. You should regard them as allies. I mean think about it. The more Gay guys there are, the more women there are for us straights.

No. You should reserve your ire for Lesbians. They're competition.

The rug-munching fuckers.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:38, Reply)

Just nasty

'Smell my fingers......that's your Mum, that is!!!'
(EvilBugger, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:34, Reply)

Maths and cock-riding
When I was back in school there were two boys who really hated eachother, who I shall call Alex and Mike because that was their names.

Our maths classroom was the steriotypical rows of desks, with two to each desk. Mike and Alex constantly fought through every lesson, and the teacher was constantly telling them to shut the hell up, stop swearing, go sit outside, etc.etc. Until one day that Alex turned to Mike after one of the "yo momma.." type jokes and just screamed "shut up, you, you,.... NOB JOCKEY!!!" and the whole class just erupted in laughter, including the teacher who was laughing so much she couldn't even bring herself to tell them off for it. T'was the first time any of us had ever heard somebody refered to as a Nob Jockey...
( Bathory, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:34, Reply)

A truly withering comment
A gay friend of mine released this one at an office Christmas party once to our boss who thought she looked like Cindy Crawford.

'And you've come as............?'
(EvilBugger, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:34, Reply)

In a previous job
we'd renamed one guy "Bingo McTwattybollocks". Still call him that whenever I see him.

In the same job, one of the workers there was saying about how easy it is to insult certain people just by saying a completely random phrase repeatedly to them, or whenever they expect a reply to you. So after a quick discussion, we picked our member of staff victim and came up with the phrase "THE CAT, SAT ON, THE.....WALL." which would be said as loud and slow as possible.

We did this to him for 6 months. He's now permanently a bit mental.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:33, Reply)

Old fav' this.
For when someone did something particualrly Spacky when I was at high school, use a particularly damb voice, dropped a few levels:

"Duh! Dimebar"
( The4thCrystal Wishes he was better at photographamising..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:32, Reply)

You've got a face...
...like a smashed crab.

Another winner which had me laughing for weeks after was walking past some workmen putting the roof on a bus shelter - one guy clearly was lacking on the brains front and kept tilting it the wrong way. I can't remember the initial "directions" part of the tirade but it ended "YOU FUCKING THALIDOMIDE!" - obviously was still on the waiting list for his Diversity course...
( dan j what the buggery bollocks is this?, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:32, Reply)

Crisps! Colleagues! Diatribes! Swearing!
My office can, on occasion, be very juvenile. There are a group of us clustered in one end of the office. We're all late 20's, early 30's, pretty intelligent and working in sales we are all sharp and can think quickly on our feet. As an added bonus we all have the maturity of children, once our targets are hit.

Football and appearance are our two main arguing points. One of our number models himself on David Beckham (to the tattoos) and has Chelsea posters all over the shop. He is naturally known as Mincer.

Another chap earned his nicknames at the same time I earned mine. A general chit chat about the news had turned into a minor argument about women, a more severe argument about penis size and then a vicius row about character flaws. I was Christened "The Famous Egghead" owing to my (apparently) inflated sense of importance and my bald headed resemblance to an egg. I quite liked this insult, and laughed.

My opponent, scenting weakness the way a shark can smell a surfer, carried on, a stream of polemic attacking my accent and so on. I retaliated, casting aspersions on the personal habits of him, his forebears and potential descendants to the amusement of all before following with the coup de gras.

He sat there, red faced, mouth slightly open, reeling at my attack. A hush descended on the room... I opened my mouth and said "I can't believe a man with a head shaped like a snack food is trying to score points off me... why don't you give up, Nik Nak Head?"

He reeled, like a man struck by a blow. I laughed... and followed up with a devasting kick to the still twitching corpse of his ego... "So fuck off, Mr Lumpy Head."

This guy once entered himself into a Most Handsome Man competition; these insults were hard for him to bear.

Six months on, he is routinely called both Nik Nak Head and Mr Lumpy Head. He dislikes it intensely and swears excessively when called either. That is why I think they are thw two most effective insults I have ever employed.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:31, Reply)

An old friend
......of mine, who shall be known as Ned as his name is only one letter different and he reads this board, is gayer than a gay in a mardi gra celebrating the biggest gays of the past fifty gay years and we where in the pub with him one night when he called over another guy who also turned out to be gay but had only recently outed himself.
During the course of much beer quaffage Ned let out the lowest toned gut rumbling fart any of us have ever heard, which even managed to gross out most of the blokes in the bar though he did manage to redeem himself when his gay friend also farted but in a much higher tone (to the muso's out there think of the lowest key on a piano then the highest that was how different).........

"VIRGIN!"

For those of you who don't understand, imagine a balloon letting out air without you squeezing the neck and then squeezing it, same noise different key right, now imagine two women, one thats not had sex and is rather, how shall I put it, tight down in the nether regions now iagine the other who's had it away five times a day for the past twenty years and lobbed fifty kids through her clacker.
(Official Sarc, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:30, Reply)

YOUR ALL GAY
:)
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:30, Reply)

Back from childoohd
You smell and your Mum dresses you funny!
(EvilBugger, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:30, Reply)