To a promiscuous woman..
Christ woman, it's a vagina, not a fucking clown car!
(MeteoriK, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:39, Reply)

small school children...
my poor friend has the unfortunate luck of being the daughter of a well known science teacher at a school near her...she often gets insults shouted at her with regards to her dad...such as 'look the eggheads daughter' and so on...however once as we were sat innocently on a bus one child asked his other friend what he had for breakfast...to which the child replied 'mr so and so on toast'
i still cannot find the logic behind that...
(littlebusstudiesone, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:36, Reply)

never-right
I think the term you're looking for there is "cockblocker". It's the polar opposite of a wingman. Why anyone would want a cockblocker, I'm not sure.

Women are weird.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:30, Reply)

my dad...
... he always like calling someone a 'cuntrag.' quite imaginative, for him, that was.

we also have a couple of cats at home, and one of them is particularly stupid (when he was a kitten, he used to pee in odd places, leading to the name pissy mcpissypants, which still reduces the missus to tears, but i digress). i once described him as being so stupid that he 'walks backwards, wagging his head.'
(blades is looking for a brain, any brain, at, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:30, Reply)

Wicked sarky pple..
1. "insert name here loves nature, despite what its done to him.." - Moleys dad.

2. Standing at the bar in me local (Bubbles in Ashington) A rather rotund lady approaches the bar, now before we get into any debate about fat vs skinny or "give bbw's a chance" or anything like that I'll say that I like a lady with something to grab hold of. However This girl must have been 20 stone +. Its everyones right to be fat but this lass was abusing the priviledge. I don't blame her as such, its probably something thats in no way her fault (like slow metabolism but really fast pie-arm) Anyway the thankfully brief conversation goes like this -

Behemoth - "This bottle tastes funny" Bottle is proffered for inspection,
Gary (for that was in fact his name) - "Just coz it does'nt taste like chips you fat fu**ing Cnut!"
Behemoth - (ignores rapturous laughter of bar apes including me like it's not happening) "Wey here, taste it"

It has to be said that she did a great job of keeping her dignity while all around were laughing at her, but the cynical side of me suspects she didn't hear/understand the joke properly, she's not the sharpest knife in the draw either.

Length? In her case it was the width that mattered.
(Reptilianoid, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:25, Reply)

I'm confused
When did this qotw change to best insults to women

Ya cunts!
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Classic Aussie Folk Song
A verse from "The Ryebuck Shearer"

There's a bloke up north or so I've heard
With a face like a dried up buffalo turd
And if you think that's bad well you ought to see his bird
She looks like a ryebuck shearer
(Maclir, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Clarkson...
My friend: "Yeah, you really remind me of Jeremy Clarkson, you have the same sense of humour"

Me: "What the f...?"
(CornishStanley can't post hyperlinks, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:18, Reply)

Sometimes people pick up my bad habits
My girlfriend won't stop using the word 'bitchcunt'.

Having read white ninja I'm now on the lookout for stupidity so I can use "did you bump your head on a retard?"

A friend of mine likes to tell fat people who make the common sartorial error "No, you should have vertical stripes". Amazingly she is still breathing.
(teebie jeebie, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:16, Reply)

I'm confused
When did this qotw change to best insults to women

Ya cunts!
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:13, Reply)

We should play "just a minute"
and fine people for repetition.

And just being shit...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:12, Reply)

I'm confused
When did this qotw change to best insults to women.

Ya cunts!
( girlinthehole, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 16:05, Reply)

My Father
was driving past a gay bar in Dublin. With the pub on our left he maintained a steady forward gaze and issued the following classic insult....

Dad: 'See that pub on your left?'
Me: 'Yeah, why?'
Dad: 'Full, absolutely full...of lavender cowboys'

Classic.

I haven't read through the 30 odd pages of insults but Chubby Brown or Manning should be included. I saw Chubby live a few times years ago and his put down to hecklers were top.

'Jesus christ love, if you're fanny is as big as your mouth you'll never get a shag'
(Said to a drunken femlae chav who kept yelling 'Chhhuuubbbbyyyyy' everytime he talked)


'Shut the fuck up, if you were so important all the chairs would be facing you'
(said to another heckler who wouldn't shut up yelling)

He may be outdated in humour now but he was a funny fat cunt live!
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:58, Reply)

When you see 2 ladies together.
One's really fit but the other is the fat friend.
I always liked the description:

"Wherever the QE2 is, there'll always be a tugboat"
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:54, Reply)

Cruel, but funny....
When I was in my younger teens, there was a little kid with 'learning difficulties' (OK, he was a spacker or a mong or autistic or whatever) who lived next to a mate of mine near where we hung around.

Because he was retarded and we were arseholes (on a level, I suppose!) we thought it was funny to teach him to swear and use filthy words. The best part of which was when he would mix them up and come up with entirely new ones we could use ourselves:

Ditban fukkin' arse
Monkey face cock
Wanking fanny bastard etc. etc.

The favourite one I remember is; Shit grease dog twat! Difficult to find a situation to apply it to, though.

(Bless you Mikey, you were great)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:52, Reply)

Way back when...
I was in my first year at secondary school (there are 2 in St Neots: Longsands and Ernulf - I was at Longsands).

One lesson this guy (Steven MacArthur I think his name was) was messing about and generally winding up the teacher.

Finally, the teacher had enough, "Steven, if you don't stop messing about, you'll be sent to a special school - and where's the nearest one?"

With no pause whatsoever, Steven came back with, "Ernulf sir."

Oh how we laughed...I guess you had to be there.

*gets his coat*
( snee held his breath since, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:52, Reply)

Best catty exchange EVER.
Scene: two girls doing their makeup; one a very pale blonde and the other a Latina.

Blonde: I need to get more base.

Latina: Why don't you just use White Out?

Blonde: Or better yet, I could do my makeup just like yours and never have a date again!

I left at that point.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:52, Reply)

Insulting description of large breasted woman -
Like a dead heat in a Zepplin race.

Ha harrrrr! Now that's funny.
(Juan - King of Donkeys shut the fuck up on, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:51, Reply)

Top insult/advice to give small breasted women
You: Would you like to know how to get bigger tits?
Her: Yes.
You: Rub toilet paper up and down in your cleavage.
Her: Does that actually work?
You: Well, it worked for your arse.
Her: *Smack* - usually.
(Juan - King of Donkeys shut the fuck up on, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:50, Reply)

My mate is as pale they come...
He has absolutly no colour at all. On holiday in Spain while the rest of us would be sensibly sitting in the shade, he would be out in the sun as much as possible. No effect. At all.
The first insult slung at him was my mate saying “you look like you’re a corpse.” Of course the next logical step to that was “In fact, you look like you’ve never been alive.”
Hence his nickname “stillborn”….
(ab1kenobe, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:47, Reply)

I know spacktard is popular
but ive always preferred remtard
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:42, Reply)

well the funniest one i've heard is
"fuck off you fuckin' blowjob"
(SleweD is totally new here., Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:41, Reply)

She looks like
She looks like she is on intimate terms with a whole bag of ugly sticks.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:28, Reply)

by a lovely female friend
i was recently told to shit off! i think love her :)
(biscuitracer, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:27, Reply)

Unattractive Women
"Her best friends are 25ft, a darkened room and about a 12-pack."
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:27, Reply)

Whores
If a woman looks particularly haggard, I will often be heard saying:

She looks like a $1 hooker on dime night.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:26, Reply)

Overheard at work....
Guy to flat chested girl: Would you wear socks if you had no feet?

Flat chested girl: no.

Guy: then why do you wear a bra?

I nearly bust an artery laughing so hard
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:25, Reply)

Rough as a badger's cunt
Can be used to describe either gender and guaranteed to annoy both equally.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:21, Reply)

I professed to a colleague last Friday in the pub.
"Peterborough has 2 kinds of women...
Those who look like blokes in drag
And those who look like fat blokes in drag"
(Vic Flange, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:18, Reply)

Another one
He's about as popular as a french-kisser at a family reunion.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:14, Reply)