First
This is one of my favourite nutters I was reminiscing about just the other day. I develop a slight man crush on Enzyme each time I re-read it.
( Pig Bodine., Thu 22 Nov 2012, 11:59, 24 replies)

my internet saviour
many years ago, when i first got cable, it came with a large keyboard/remote control and access to chat sites. i'd sit up late most nights, chatting to interesting people i'd never meet in real life.
then, i started talking to tim*. tim was a nice bloke, always had a kind word for everyone and seemed quite genuine. we talked every day for ovr a month before i'd tell him the area i lived in, though; i'm not completely stupid! as it turned out, tim lived about 10 miles away from me and suggested that we meet for lunch one day. he said he knew a nice place close to me where we could eat. i knew it well. it was a christian cafe, but it attracted people of every religion(including atheists like me) due to the gorgeous and huge jacket potatoes sold there.
i agreed to meet him the following week.
the day came and i took myself off to meet tim. i wasn't nervous, as we were meeting in a very public place and, as i said, he seemed perfectly nice.
he was already there, waiting at a nice table by the window. we sat down and ordered our food, making smalltalk whilst we waited.
as soon as the food arrived, tim explained his real reasons for wanting to meet me: he was concerned for my eternal soul. i had agreed to meet him without a chaperone, which clearly marked me as a woman of loose morals. he'd seen me use bad language on chat, so that was another black mark. i'd admitted to having relationships with men i HADN'T MARRIED(gasp!) which, to him, was a cardinal sin. he'd chosen that particular eatery because he was a born-again christian who had dedicated his life to saving fallen women he met in chatrooms. i tried to explain that i didn't share his religious beliefs and would appreciate it if he didn't force the issue. it didn't work, he just saw that as my sinful side coming out. when he started to talk about getting me baptised, i left. the fact that he yelled "jezebel!" at me as i walked out of the door cheered me up enormously.
strangely, i never saw him in that chatroom again.


*name changed to protect the religiously challenged
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 23 Nov 2012, 15:05, 13 replies)

bono
Oh blimey, I have my fair share of weirdos contacting me due to my absolute hatred of that cunt bongo.
Some friends and I set up a group on that awful, yes you hate it site, facebook.
It's quiet these days but a few years ago when you could actually talk to people on there and have some fun we had some real scary anger projected towards us.
Mike Brown was just one example.
He LOVED bono and U2, and very much took umbridge to the fact that we hated bono and his fucking face.
He posted over and over again calling us for everything and entering into the kind of arguments that you just can't (don't want) to win and are utterly pointless and we did take great pleasure in discussing his issues with him. Thing was, if someone loved the little Irish cunt then that's fine, each to their own, but he was utterly obsessed with changing our minds. When it didn't go his way he would be apoplectic with rage.
We banned him and blocked him but he kept coming back back with fake profiles spitting feathers and getting more and more insane as time went on.
Turned out his dad was a top lawyer in America and was going to sue us, he reminded us of this at least 3 times a day.
After someone posted a picture of him in his back garden topless showing off his U2 hubcaps, (yes, hubcaps) he went completely MENTAL.
The females got horrible rape fantasy messages, really scary threats, from not only him but his plethora of 'friends'.
We never heard from his dad though, funnily enough.
He was just the tip of the iceberg. There was the guy who had a liking for U2 but also very young Thai girls and the lady who brought her entire family into the mix because she was just SO ANGRY. It's amazing how not liking someone and stating it, online, can cause such outrage from those that disagree with you, online.
On the other hand, I did make some proper real life friends from that group. Many who I have visited and have stayed with me and who I count as valuable people in my life, even years on.
There has even been 2 weddings between fellow bongo haters and they are all impossibly happy.
I guess I have to thank that cunt bongo for something.
FUCK.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 21:37, 9 replies)

I'm an AirBnB hipster
I took a month off work to drive across the USA in 2005. Before I left I set up a website with a map which people could mark with their location and an offer to trade a bed for beer.

The end result was I stayed with random people from the Internet every night for a month, except four, including two nights where I was just so drunk I passed out in the back seat of the car.

Some of them I had e-known for years but many were just random SomethingAwful goons, or friends of friends of people I'd met earlier in the trip. I was plastered every night (except the weekend with the Mormons), went to a random bachelor party and a homecoming dance (not on the same night, sadly) and met an incredible number of fantastic people. I suppose this sort of thing is a lot less scary for a 6 foot guy than for a lone girl but even so it was striking how welcoming and easygoing everybody was. The trip made a huge impact on my attitude to strangers in general.

The best part was carting around a giant spiral bound art pad and telling (almost) everyone I met to draw me a Top Trump card for themself. Have a nose around here if you like. It's not exhaustive (I was slapdash with it at best) but you get the idea.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Fri 23 Nov 2012, 10:35, Reply)

Freecycle.
I was helping the folks redecorate their spare room last year, and they'd decided to get rid of a large double wardrobe. Instead of smashing it up and burning it as I had suggested, My mum put it on freecycle and within about 30 seconds someone had snapped it up and said they'd be round later to collect it. I have never used the site, but I can imagine you get all sorts of treehugging weirdos trawling it for free shit.

It took two of us about half an hour to get it down the stairs and out the front door. The woman who came to collect it asked us if we could help her get it into the back of the car.

Her car was a Nissan Micra, with two occupied child seats in the back. She honestly thought that she'd get a double wardrobe in the bootspace of a Micra, and got quite tetchy when we said that there was no way she could, unless she had a wood chipper to hand.

She was clearly a bit stupid and we ended up smashing the wardrobe and burning it.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 11:11, 9 replies)

In which grandmasterfluffles has nipples like brave toy soldiers standing to attention
Before meeting the lovely Mr Fluffles, I had an OkCupid profile. Through it I received many strange messages. The guy who was desperately looking for a woman to sit on his face and fart was particularly brilliant, but even he couldn't compete with this. Make sure you are sitting comfortably and enjoy this masterpiece with some lube and a box of tissues.

i wudnt mind kissing u in the rain..getting in an argument with u on purpose..

getting u mad..
cos earning ur forgiveness after wud be bliss..
u wanna no how id do it ??..
heres how..
id come back in the room after stormin out.. dressed in a helmet n large riot gear cos u never no what u might throw at me ..
then id cautiously approach u get ur trust.. take off my helmet..
kiss ur lips..
kiss ur shulders..
get down on my knees..
slide up ur skirt..
kiss ur knees..
kiss ur hands..
begging for forgiveness..
if ur still..
in a strop..
id proceed to kissin ur elbows..
laying u back..
kissing ur stomach..
suddenly stopping..
take ur hand..
lead u up to the bedroom..
where u hear music..
soothing music coming from ur bedroom.. icecubes..
marshmellows..
babyoil..
skittles..
mnms ..
now ur blindfolded..
til i lead u in to the room..
where theres champaigne on ice..
a bed of roses..
well rose petals..
took me ages to de thorn em! ..
but ur smile was worth the pain..
cramps in my fingers..
im standing behind u kissing ur shulders u got this nice black dress on n i slide the shulder straps off slow im kissin ur collar bone i turn u round kissin ur sexy kissible lips in the rain lips taste jus like strawberry tongues we stumble over to ur bed of roses petals fall on to the bed i motion down to ur feet t gonna mess with them jus sliding off ur shoes real slow i em the foot t the shoe i ur leg ur knee back of ur legs i run my hands down ur sexy black dress down ur chest i lift it up slow just half way sumhow u got a marshmellow in ur navel i suck that out ur stomach i push ur in thighs apart here comes the best bit i ur inner thighs slow licking i tease u with my toingue i ease in slow u moan sigh i dun i run my hands underneath each thigh clutching u under my elbows pulling u forward i slowly gently thrust my tongue inside u u sigh a lil louder i u thrust aalil quicker thrusting deeper n deeper ur butt cheeks clenching im hold them in each palm ur inner thighs start to shake clenching clasping round my ears im going deaf so tight its nice it spurs me on to go in deeper in ur womb ur moan ur pelvis n hips moving back n forth uncontrollable thusting in rythm with my tongue back n forth back n forth the tempo speeds up nowur shaking more convulsing sweating i cant hear ur moans but ur thighs wrapped round my head say it al i taste ur womb on my tonsils i wanna come up but u got me down thre so tight i cant ur ankles digging in the back of my back ur ass cleching im gonna explode my self dam gurl feels gud **** j holliday heres archie moses i luv ur taste of u **** its so nice succulant can i fing er ur bum hole well i start fingering uncontrollably ur bum hole so tight i feel ur **** walls wrapped round my tongue n ur bum hole tighting round my fumb cum with me i want u too i finger u faster n faster ur heart beating immensely wanna feel ur **** juice on my tung bust baby bust comonnnnnnnnnnnn do it all over my face tastes nice r u fingering it

dam shud i go on or u gud i think ur gud lemmie c..
next..
i raise up to ur lips from r inner thighs..
i
kiss
ur brow
then down to ur lips
tongue kissing
ur panties
round ur ankles still
i push ur thighs apart
n slid up in u slow n gentle
thrusting
u moan slightly
still
semi turned on by the oral
u wrapped ur legs round my peach bum..
so tight
i have to push down on ur thighs
to get comfortable
u roll
over on me
now ur on top
u raise
up
massaging my chest ..
i take ur hand
n suck on ur fingers
one
by one

our
pelvises
thrusting
together
u start to
ride me
slow
ur hair
all in ur face
im having
to move it out the way of ur mouth n eyes
thrusting
faster
dam u tight

u work out
my hands lazily
on ur hips
but
concentration is inept
eye contact maintained
i put my fingers
in ur mouth
for u to bite on
gently!!!


shud i go on??




i like ur hat..
sitting on ur bed side table ..
so i reach out..
put it on u..
still riding u..
upping the tempo..
short in breath now..
jus laying there..
watching ur hips..
so sexy n smooth in my hands..
moving back in forth..
up n down..
in a circular motion..
feels so tight..
i wanna
arrive..
but u pinch me
hard!
shouting no!

carry on!
im dying here

u grab my hands
in put em on ur firm soft
breasts
nipples erect
like
brave
toy soldiers
standing to attention..
hearts pounding..
if i die
i wanna go
like dis..
u bouncing
up n down
on my
now
aching
enourmous
throbbing
member..
im in ecstascy..
heart rates up
my toes are getting ready to curl..
u moan
louder n louder
exhaling
ur hairs moved again
i cant move it cos it looks so sexy
runing over ur face
falling
on my chest
as u kneel
down
to tongue kiss
me
i clench
my but cheeks
n palm urs in my hands
tightenting the grip
letting u no
i wanna
cum
u kiss me
passionatly
i hold u in the clutches of my big strong arms
tightenting my hold
showin u
ur safe with me
n no
one
will ever hurt u here
u shudder
with
excitement
i shudder with u
we
exhale
at the same time
arriving together
i lay ur head on my chest
kiss ur hair
moving it out ur face n kissing ur sweating brow again
wiping the sweat wiv my hand

..
then
..

i
ask
ya..
im gonna need a cigarette..
and..
a..
light..

open..
the..
window..
its..
hot..
n steamy..
in here..

© By archiemrpoetmoses

Incidentally, ARCHIE_MOSES still has a profile on the site. Ladies, this man is single.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 17:51, 25 replies)

I regularly invite random people from the internet to stay in my house
I'm a member of couchsurfing.org which is a website that facilitates random strangers staying with each other all over the globe. There's a feedback system which weeds out the undesirables and people spend a while building up their profiles so you know what you're letting yourself in for. As I live in an awesome little village on the North coast of Cornwall, which happens to be full of party people and very close to lots of excellent live music, I have quite a lot of couch surfers asking to stay. I've never once regretted saying yes to any of them. I've had Polish, German, Chinese, French, American and English people to stay. I've been cooked for, furnished with huge volumes of alcohol, been played amazing music and made friends for life through it.
(teasus likes tea, Sat 24 Nov 2012, 15:53, 6 replies)

We've all met him.
He hovers around cyberspace like some kind of wasp, ready to attempt to sting to death anyone who angers him.

Back when the internet was shiny and amazing and chat rooms were all the rage, I used to amuse myself by getting drunk and wandering around the freeserve chatrooms (before it became wanadoo, then orange, then demanded their router back which I've just remembered is under the bed covered in dust), watching for people arguing and butting in. At first, I went by the name "TJHooker", but quickly discovered that the monicker "hooker" in a chatroom full of lonely people on a weekend resulted in a large volume of unwanted private messages. I was there to kick ass and take names, not lick ass and feel shame, so the name changed.

I'd usually pick the one who was being the biggest twat to go for, so in a way I suppose it was sort of proto-trolling, an embryonic white knight. This was around 2000 when most people hadn't developed their hard, calloused internet shield that renders them desensitised to trolls that many folk have these days.... it was like shooting fish in a barrel.

I quickly discovered that the type of person who wandered around freeserve's chatrooms insulting people weren't always the sharpest bunch. Usually a few well aimed remarks would have them ranting and raving and they'd usually storm out of the room in a huff after a short while, I felt like I was performing a sort of public service. Then I met the internet commando.

He was in a room throwing insults back and forth at certain people, so I rolled up my sleeves and started baiting him as usual, getting him to make a fool of himself and laughing at his lack of brain power, soon enough he snapped, but instead of flouncing out of the room he started going absolutely fucking mental at me. He was threatening to kill me and my entire family, all very much to my glee, until he mentioned the fabled "IP address".

"I'll find you you little cunt. I'm looking at your IP address now I'll be there soon." Now, my experience with computery stuff at this point in history was playing quake over a college network, and baiting nutters in chat rooms. I did not know what an IP address was, or if indeed he knew exactly where I lived, although I had heard college lecturers mention the thing when talking about the internet. He, on the other hand, seemed to know exactly what this IP address was, and from what he was saying, it was pointing him right to my front door. I started pretending I was at work, but he said "No you aren't. You're in a house. I'm going to fucking rip your head off you little cunt. I've been trained for this kind of thing, you're fucking dead! You don't go through what I've been through to take this kind of shit!"

Ah I wish I could say I'd heard it all before, but I hadn't. I genuinely believed he had a big map on his screen with a red flashing dot over my house, and that he was donning camo paint and bullet belts. I thought I had just poked a mentallist and invited him to come round and give me a good kicking, so, ever the hero, I promptly shat myself and apologised profusely before switching off the PC and spending a nervous few days wondering if he really could track me down.

Even now I wonder if he's in the bushes across from my house, watching, waiting silently, carving the days into his arm. Quite why a highly trained commando who'd seen one too many friends die would be on freeserve chat at half two on a saturday morning shouting at teenage girls never occured to me.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 1:57, 10 replies)

The Donutsh
I had an interesting experience with people off the internet once... I run a radio station** for unsigned bands and had some music from a fellow b3tan who is in a band called The Donutsh. I live in Thanet and had some work in London but, due to poor planning, I didn't have enough cash flowing to get to and from London every day so I put the word out, half-jokingly, during a radio show and got an email off Klepsie basically saying "Come and stay at my house, it's ok, we can get stoned". Great success!!

So I show up and Klepsie is lovely, we talk bollocks, we watch telly and all is good.

The second night we drive over to Henry the bass-player's house and things get weird. Henry has an interest in Research Chemicals. 'Research Chemicals' is a euphemism for anything legally-obtainable that can get you high. Flavour of the month is AM2201* - a potent non-selective cannabinoid receptor agonist. Essentially that means it gets you allofthestonedatthesametime... drooling-laughing-hungry-stupid-razorsharp-insightful stoned.

I took a hit from a normal cigarette dipped in this mysterious white powder and within 30 seconds I was further gone than I ever have been before. Paralysis and paranoia. I couldn't move for what seemed like hours and the whole time I was convinced something terrible was about to happen. "What have they given me.... weird white powder.... what if it's PCP... why can't I move... Maybe they are satanists... they are going to drag me into the courtyard, strip me naked, and ritually bugger me...."

I started to regain control of my limbs and move around a bit. The head of a cat popped up over the edge of the coach. "Oh that's nice" I thought, "It's all so obvious now.... the cat is the LEADER!! If I make friends with the cat they won't ceremonially humiliate me!!". Of course... it all made sense! I started to stroke the cat, the cat loved it and started doing all cat-things.. rubbing it's head on me, purring and started to climb onto me.

When I initially sat down on the couch I had kind of leant back and lifted my balls up so I could cross my legs. The cat climbed on to me and sat down directly on my balls. So warm. It started purring and stared me straight in the eye. There is a warm throbbing presence on my testicles and I want, no - NEED to impress it. It's a matter of life and death. I swear the cat wants to have sex with me. It looks... horny. It is trying it's hardest to give me a hard-on. What do I do. I'm going to get raped by a cat or The Donutsh.

I started to stare at the curtains while trying not to cry. At some point I became aware that I was in a room full of people laughing and joking. I was safe. They were friendly. We could watch Metalocalypse and smoke some more AM2201.

*AM2201 is commonly sold to labs who need soemthing with which to clean their gas chromatography equipment.

**shameless plug - www.federalradio.co.uk - live shows Thursday and Sunday evenings... join us! send us your music! :)
(Ktulu O'Ryleh float like a turd, sting like chlamydia, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 23:49, 8 replies)

Dear Demon Internet,
Yeah, this isn't a Demon Internet bashing post. More a sort of, well, kind of, an apology.
There are still nutters who think an IP address is as good as a street address, and Google kinda helps here.
All niche web sites and chat rooms get nutters, even seemingly intelligent, literate long term members can flip if the correct keywords or sequences of phrases are used. I imagine some of them as believing themselves to be the Internet equivalent of a cold war sleeper.
I got death threats for using 'centripetal force' not....

CENTRI FUCKING FUGAL FORCE YOU FUCKING CUNT NOT FUCKING CENTRI FUCKING PETAL was the initial response I got.
Wikipedia wasn't around, but it was no matter to respond and cite to support my initial answer to the question. I don't feel the need to outline the actual transcript, but I was polite, courteous and provided links to and attributed c&p in responses. Maybe that was the trigger?. How to drive a nutter over the edge by being polite. Death by being English through and through :-)

He, genius he was, posted Demon's address and proudly proclaimed, in capitals, that he was going to come round and do various things to me which made me think he was a qualified butcher. Possibly scary. That I was online meant I was in.
Come round for a cup of tea, invited I. I wonder if he went round and scared the shyte out of anyone there.

Never posted again. We so wanted him to, but he never did. OK, nothing unusual there. Nutter goes off on one, realises he's been a dick and drops that username or just never posts again.

My signature file at the time included my name, company name, telephone number and street address. 200 or so miles north of wherever in London(ish) that exchange was located. Every bloody reply I gave had that info. Every single one, I could be traced so easily by just putting my name into something like 192.com but no, he demonstrated his leet skills with a few lookups and a whois query.
Had he rung the number, he would have got to speak to me directly, or by looking the company up, my boss.

Bless 'em one and all.
( moonbadger Doesn't judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 19:56, 7 replies)

Some charming emails I received recently from another site. Author's handle not altered to protect the guilty
From: Chosen by Grace
Subject: woo woo? learn what ad hominems are idiot
Message: WOO WOO = noodle monsters and magic bombs that oh, just need a few billion years to magically turn into men. SHUT THE **** UP STUPID MORON. GOD YOU'RE DUMB. DELUDED.

What a smug dumb **** cultist retard: dur swamp gas, dur uh its photoshopped, dur uh everyone i dont believe is woo woo, uhhh my feelings make me right, uhhhh my word is true cuz it just is, i dont need site no sources. WOW GOD COMPLEX MUCH YOU HEART FEELY ******? HOLY **** SHUT THE **** UP ******. ****** think ur smart and wise and clever cuz u ****** repeat someone's little phrase "woo woo"? Wow ur a smart scientist now. WRONG. ME: MASTER OF LOGIC, THEOLOGY, ANTI SOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDERS: SICK OF ****** MORONS LIKE YOU WHO THINK REPEATING "WOO WOO" AND READING NARCISSIST SKEPTIC **** AND READING MAINSTREAM SCIENTOLOGY HEADLINES THAT SAY, "WE SEE STARS BEING FORMED" AND WATCHING NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC AND DINOSAUR CARTOONS MAKES YOU WISE AND RIGHT AND ISN'T "WOO ******* WOO" YOU ****** MORON. NO MAGGOT BRAIN: BACTERIA DON'T TURN INTO FISH LET ALONE MONKEYS OR MEN YOU DELUDED RETARD WHO THINKS "BILLIONS AND BILLIONS" OF YEARS IS SO SMALL THAT HE JUST SAW IT ALL HAPPEN AND IT'S SO OBVIOUS. ******: HOW ABOUT YOU BELIEVE THE LAST 6,500 YEARS OF KNOWN ARCHEOLOGY MR. "OH CREATIONISM IS UNREASONABLE! YOU THIKNK U NO WHAT HAPPENED IN 6,500 YEAR! HOW ABSURD" NO WOO WOO ****** THAT'S YOU IDIOT BACKWARDS BRAIN. WHAT A TURD IDIOT. GULLIBLE, NAIVE, BLIND SELF RIGHTEOUS HYPOCRITE, POINTLESS AIMLESS HYPOCRITE. GET A LIFE!

From: Chosen by Grace
Subject: woo woo? learn what ad hominems are idiot
Message: ", religious and woo-woo bullshit." AND I MORONS WHO USE DUMB NONSENSE NERD "WOO WOO" CLICHES AS THEIR EXPLANATIONS TO EVERYTHING AND BABBLE CRAP WITH NO EVIDENCE GET IGNORED. AND MORONS WHO THINK IT'S REASONABLE TO BELIEVE BEAUTIFUL DESIGNS BEYOND THE COMPLEXITY OF AN EXPLOSION AND WHO BELIEVE IN MAGICAL BOMBS THAT MAKE UNIVERSES AND LIVING THINGS THAT DO ALL THE THINGS AND ARE COMPOSED OF ALL THE THINGS HERE THAT MORONS LIKE YOU REFUSE TO THINK ABOUT IN YOUR ARROGANCE YOU ********: ETERNIAN.WORDPRESS.COM/EVIDENCE HTT[P://66QUESTIONS.TK GET IGNORED ********.

THE "WOO WOO" ****** NERD IDIOT TARDS ARE YOU ******. PAY ATTENTION ****** AND STOP BEING AN OBVLIOUS STUCK UP ******. YOU'RE A ******* NOBODY YOU IDIOT ATHEIST, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD ALREADY ****** LOSER: YOU ARE NOT GOD ******, YOU DO NOT MAKE LAWS FOR ANYONE ****** YOU DO NOT DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR WRONG ******, WHO THEN ****** DOES ****** AND WHY DOES TRUTH MATTER ******? DUUUUR? PSYCHOPATH MUCH? GET MORALS ******: STOP LYING, STOP STEALING, STOP MURDERING, HONOR YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER, REMEMBER THAT GOD MADE THE UNIVERSE AND RESTED ON THE SEVENTH DAY, DON'T COVET ******, DON'T OPPRESS THE POOR NEEDY ORPHANS STRANGERS OR WIDOWS ******. MOSES CAME UP WITH ALL THAT IN ONE BOOK ****** AND YOU CANT TAKE A HINT YET NOT EVEN AFTER 5000 YEARS AND 1000 YEARS OF HUMANS WIPED OUT FROM AN OBVIOUS WORLD WIDE FLOOD MR. "ME NO SEE NO SEA FOSSILS ON DRY LANDS ANYWHERE OR ON MOUNTAIN TOPS DUR"? NOW THAT'S WOO WOO


From: Chosen by Grace
Subject: DUUUUR
Message: "There are no moderators" IF THAT WERE TRUE IDIOT THAN THE FLAGS WOULD ALL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT YOU ******* IMBECILE. BLOCKED YOU ******* IDIOT.

AND FUCKTARDIO: YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T BEEN HERE LONG SINCE THE MODERATORS USED TO HAVE A FORUM FOR DISPUTES AND SHOWED PICS OF THEMSELVES IN ONE OF THEIR DUMB "LOOK AT US" ARTICLES HERE YOU ******* IDIOT. CLUE ********: STOP BABBLING YOUR ******* **** WITHOUT EVIDENCE ASSHOLE. ******* USELESS MAGGOT.

From: Chosen by Grace
Subject: DUUUUR
Message: "There are no moderators" IF THAT WERE TRUE IDIOT THAN THE FLAGS WOULD ALL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT YOU ******* IMBECILE. BLOCKED YOU ******* IDIOT.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sat 24 Nov 2012, 5:57, 22 replies)

Conspiracy nutter
A friend of a friend's friend once contacted me out of the blue because he had somehow found out I spent some time working for a pharmaceutical company. His first email appeared relatively sane and I had no idea of the madness to come. His second email was slightly more worrying. He dismissed pretty much all my first hand observations, quoting the deranged and paranoid theories of his circle of conspiracy minded internet chums. As a postscript to his email he also hinted at several other demented notions he subscribed to.

What I should have done is leave it right there and not respond, but I hadn't yet appreciated the depth of his commitment to the crazy ideas he had put forward, and I was tempted into refuting them with self-evident facts and well established scientific truths. What a mistake... I didn't realise that his irrationality and paranoia rivalled David Icke.

I had never come across someone who had bought so completely into every possible wacky internet theory. He had moved from his home in the USA to Mexico because he believed that the American government was attempting mind control by dosing all food and water with psychoactive drugs. He was prepared to believe, based on the most unreliable evidence that government, banks, military and big business are co-operating and conspiring to perpetrate all manner of secret complex and unlikely programmes against the general population.

Here are just a few his notions, roughly in the order they came up;

Powdered silver cures cancer.
Fluoridation is for mind control not dental health.
All cancers are caused by fungal spores.
HIV doesn't cause AIDS
The Pentagon orchestrated 9/11 attacks
Television was created by the military for mind control. (Mind control is a bit of theme of his).
Artificial sweeteners cause birth defects.
MMR causes autism.
Wearing a magnetic wrist-band can cure heart disease.
All wars are started by weapons manufacturers.
The moon landings were faked.
Just about anything you can buy at your local supermarket will give you cancer.
The US government records and transcribes ALL phone conversations.
American pharmaceutical companies conspire with the CIA to secretly drug the population.

And finally... masturbation will make you more intelligent.
( notoolsovernight you're all luvvly an' 'orrible, Fri 23 Nov 2012, 12:34, 15 replies)

I made money from a nutcase
I made a lot of money from an internet kook. I shan't name this man but I shall relate as much as I can.

This man would post open-ended, vague prophecies to a certain internet forum (well actually lots of forums, but one I happened to be on too). A typical prophecy might be to warn of a "hurricane of death" that would kill "many" without saying when or where or how many. Then he'd wait for a hurricane to kill enough people and dig out this mouldy prophecy and proclaim his own greatness. He had whole shopping lists of similar prophecies.

This man was a narcissist. Like most narcissists they fly into a rage if they don't receive the adulation they believe they are entitled to. All his ghoulish delight in death and disaster just earned him mockery not adulation. So he'd wig out and it was fun to watch. But sometimes he went so far as griefing his detractors in real life, accusing them of being paedophiles to work colleagues, bosses etc. He was a nasty prick in other words.

So any way the guy gets arrested. In the US background checks in one state will reveal if someone is wanted in another state. He was. He had an outstanding warrant for skipping state while on trial for running someone down. He had been convicted in absentia. So he stewed in jail for months awaiting extradition proceedings to happen and after that he enjoyed serving his original sentence plus extra time on top.

Wouldn't you know that another of his hobbies was registering domain names? Most of them were junk but one in particular caught my eye. So as soon as I heard he was arrested I reserved the domain from the hosting company that he used. The company would hold the domain should it ever expire and give me the option of buying. And since he was in jail it did expire, I took ownership and I've owned it ever since.

I bought some hosting for the domain, put some useful content on it to make it attractive and search engine friendly and threw some banner ads in here and there. I reckon must have earned about £15k during the time I've owned it. Not a fortune but a small buffer on top of my regular income.

So I'd like to thank this horrible excuse of a human being. This pathetic smear of dogshit on the sole of humanity. If not for his obnoxious narcissism and felonious past I would not have owned this site and I wouldn't have enjoyed the money from doing so.
(MagicMoose, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 23:22, 2 replies)

Squashing a turd means everyone gets shitty.
Up till spring I helped run a little .org which did charitable work for people down on their luck. We also had a talkboard where you could grizzle about the job, swap tips and tell lies.
There was a guy who ran a similar board, rather laxer on the racism and UKIP/BNP/EDL bollocks, and who HATED us for a) being slightly busier and b) having a trustee who'd shown him up for being a liar.
Two years ago he decided to shut us down by writing to our commercial sponsors (and the Trustee's employer) and telling them we'd been cooking the books. He announced that he was doing this after Christmas, so that he could enjoy our fear and trembling over the turkey.
I fired off a Letter Before Action, got no joy and went down the County Court and applied for an injunction. We announced this on the board and two interesting things happened: our regulars piled in with support and the page count went through the roof.
Then I get a phone call, apparently from Plod inquiring about criminal defamation (no such offence). After 30 seconds I told not-Plod to either fuck off or come round with a mate. 40 minutes later I get a phone call from the bloke's landline, apparently from his solicitor. He's doing me for libel, false accounting, threatening behaviour. He impersonated a copper to get my attention. The solicitor is funding his case (yeah, right). He gives me a REAL legal practice name, but a false solicitor name, which I find out in real time from the Law Society while he's talking.
Ring the practice, tell 'em the tale, we have a bloody good laugh.
Get him into court, don't get the injunction but he admits impersonating Plod, the solicitor and botting the board to make the libel more widely published. Get him outside and tell him that he really should have spotted the microphones.
"In two weeks, the transcript will be with your advertisers. Have a nice Christmas".

Short version: cunt threatens mates, gets fucked by someone who doesn't like bullies.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 22:08, 12 replies)

Odd picture
I got into a silly row with a silly man on a silly internet forum.

In order to settle this arguement, the silly man worked out my name (not hard as it turns out, I'd posted pictures using a photobucket account that is basically my name), worked out whereabouts I lived (again, not hard, I'd commented on crime stories that had happened near where I lived) and then worked out exactly where I lived, presumeably using 192.com or the like.

So what he then did, was came round to my house, in the middle of the day, took a picture of himself stood on my doorstep and posted it on said silly forum.

Which was just weird.
(ScousersPet, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 16:32, 8 replies)

I went on a date with someone I met online once.
Turned out, while she'd described herself using the right words, she'd rearranged them slightly.

She actually had short white hair and long black curly teeth
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 15:56, 2 replies)

more dating stuff
Girl I met had been on a couple of dates with a bloke she met on the webs before me. Drinks first, then a couple of nice dinners. She thought he was a bit of alright, he worked in a good job and for the fourth date, he asked her over to his massive city centre apartment for a romantic meal.
Turned up, and was wowed by the apartment, the food, the expensive chablis etc.
After dessert, he excused himself from the table and popped into the bathroom. Apparently, he was gone a while, but being a pragmatic sort of bird, she assumed he was having a nervous poo and washing himself off a bit before getting a little frisky.
What she hadn't expected was for him to come out agin, 15 minutes later, wearing a skintight black latex gimpsuit with full face mask and ballgag.
Not a hint of it prior to the event, just sort of strolled casually out and expected her to respond favourably.
She didn't

shortly after that, she drunkenly let slip that the reason she moved to leeds was because too many people back home knew her as the woman who tried to kill her boyfriend by stoving his face in with a shovel.
I didn't hang around her long either (I looked it up, and sure enough she made the national news)
(kaptinkurtz, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 13:54, Reply)

i have only met people from here and the occasional internet date from the internet
every b3tan i have met (ok, just 1 exception, there's always 1) has been lovely and not at all crazy. but the dating... oh god, the dating...

first up, i was 18 and the shiny new internet had this thing called "chat rooms". i had never come across anything like it before, but as an english student with lectures making up a grand total of 4 hours a week, i had plenty of time to play around. "met" a guy who lived near my parents up in cheshire. the online chat was great, the telephone chat was fun, we agreed to meet. long story short, he got cunted, vomited all over the inside of my car, and cried about being a virgin before admitting he had lied about where he lived because he thought i was posher than he was.

roll forwards 2 years and i haven't learned my lesson, i'm back in the chatroom one day and "meet" another guy. this one also lives in london. it was all going so well until he rang on the day we were meeting, got my flatmate, confessed in a rush that he had no idea what to wear and had chosen his ugliest mate for her so that i wouldn't fancy his mate instead. this would have been quite sweet except that (i) all that angst about what to wear and he chose a leather waistcoat? and (ii) his mate was plug ugly. unfortunately he was ten times more so. although the worst bit was that they didn't fancy us.

left the internet alone for a long, long time after that. the next time i tried it was years later. i could tell tales of cuntish pikeyness and shit sex, but as the /qotw asks for "crazy", only one of them really stands out. chris. chris seemed like such a nice guy, if a little alarmingly tall and a little shy. until he lunged across the table at me after the first coffee with fire in his eyes, clasped my hands to his chest, and said urgently:

"so have you found God?"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 16:35, 14 replies)

Seems appropriate...
I've just moved in with the only person I've ever met from the internet after a seven year long long-distance relationship.

Last night he woke me up three times by farting really loudly and then proceeded to greet me in the morning by asking (hopefully theoretically) if I'd rather have an Ipod or a Galaxy SIII shoved up my bum.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Sat 24 Nov 2012, 17:46, 4 replies)

Everyone is a bit mad...
But if you want some quality insanity have a wander over to forums.carm.org - it a Christian website but the ID/Evolution board has some prize religious nut jobs. My favourites are:

Supersport - a guy that is just so unpleasant and stupid that he is proud of having cheated in order to get his high school diploma. He also posted on an online memorial for a guy that died a couple of years ago that said guy was a baby murderer and other foulness. The board was set up by the dead guy's family and this bloke refuses to see how it was wrong or why he should apologise.

Nouveau - Someone that claims to have been the CEO of a fortune 500 company, to have five advanced science degrees, to be a surgeon, to be a published economist, organised the Pan American Games, and to have raced yachts at a speed of 35knots/hour. Oh and he thinks that anyone that accepts evolution is a Nazi.

dad - a guy that believes that science can't say anything about the universe outside of our solar system because once you go outside the solar system it's all different and just looks like the universe is consistent.

I love reading the works of religious nut jobs. It reminds me why I am so happy to have gotten over my religion.
(TeabagSalad Never teabag a troll, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 16:08, 3 replies)

Oddly, I've met very few until this week
...when I decided to have a clear out and flog a load of crap on ebay.

I listed three suits that were brand new and I had never worn, and some very old, yet decent condition ZX81 tapes - in case a collector was after them or something.

I sold all of the items. The first nutter was the buyer of the ZX81 tapes - he firstly wanted me to send them second class to save on postage (fair enough, although the amount saved was around 17p). I weighed them on the franking machine at work and told him the price. "Too much" he says and then quotes me 20p to send two tapes to him. No, I replied, the postage is most certainly what I said it was. This goes back and forth until he simply just pays for the tapes with no postage and then tells me that as I've tried to "rip him off" with the postage, he will, instead pay none.

Then, the chap with one of the suits emails, quite simply "Where's my suit? I paid immediately, if I hadn't, I expect I would have 10 emails from you by now demanding money. I don't suppose you care about that and only look in your paypal account etc..."
I replied telling him that it was dispatched the next day (he won the auction on Sunday, so could only send them Monday). I got this email from him yesterday! He then emails me this:

"obviously you see the payment in your email account. I guess your interest is to check your payment account and damn any other stuff. Does this makes sense, if that you never received any payment from me, i am sure that i would have received more than ten messages. When i did check the dispatch status, i see todays date, so that means that the item was dispatch today. Sometimes it is good to be honest,cos telling lies ,reflect immediately."

He's got a thing about me sending him 10 emails, despite not actually sending any.

I marked the item as dispatched yesterday when I got home from work, the suit having been sent on Monday. I think he thinks it updates via suit-telepathy or something and therefore I am wrong when I say I sent it Monday.

So....it seems ebay is quite flush with nutters; one that wants the postage costs of 1979, and another who wants the postage performance of a time machine.

Bah - I've fucking had enough of nutters for one day.
(dchurch bah, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 16:27, 18 replies)

Breast is best
Another freecycle story. After weaning her daughter, my flat-mate decided to get rid of an electric breast pump, so she put it up on freecycle. Fairly soon she was contacted by a man who asked many sensible, intelligent questions about the machine - it was clearly something he knew a lot about. Having satisfied himself that it was the type he wanted, he said he'd like to have it.

"Will it be yourself or your partner that will be collecting it?" asked my flatmate.

"Oh, it's not for a partner, it's for me," he replied.

*click* brrrrrrrrrrrrr
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 12:52, 4 replies)

Crazies and gullible types
Everyone I've ever met from the internet has proven to be crazy and gullible. I have the (NWS) pics to prove it too. Just click "I like this" and leave a reply to see them.
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Tue 27 Nov 2012, 7:20, 15 replies)

I once made the mistake of telling someone on a YouTube video they'd pronounced a word wrong
Turns out I was the one mistaken but I got about 10 people telling me to kill myself, go die and troll somewhere else.

If I wanted to troll then I can do a better job than just telling someone they'd pronounced a word incorrectly and then being the one who was actually mistaken

People on the Internet are mental and want you dead if you make a small mistake. Why do I come here?
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 26 Nov 2012, 4:28, 8 replies)

Whether in front of a computer or behind a wheel, kicking a ball
or acting, an otherwise perfectly dull person can turn into a rather wrathful psycho spitting spite and vengeance and can be rather frightening to witness.

Click 'I like this', you fucking cunt.
(roysin, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 16:04, 1 reply)

not crazy off internet but little crazy doing it..
one of my mates won a trip around the world, so me and other mate happily tagged along, lots of great places, (hong kong, bali, bangkok.. austrila, new zeland and america) all about.. 17 years ago now.
so while in aus, in sydeny we stayed at the luxious YHA, which was a cockroach invested shite hole.. after a day my friend pipes up and says he's sorted a room for the next couple of nights, turns out a MUD we used to play had a couple of aussies who played as well, and happy to let us sleep on the floor, when think back it could of been anything, but it was some of the best days in aus we had...
(funkmaster, Fri 23 Nov 2012, 20:13, 4 replies)

Advertising for housemates on Gumtree sort of counts, right?
We had one bloke who came around, looked about the flat, and then asked if he could try the shower. I thought 'fair enough, it's an important part of your morning routine'. I stood by while he spent a full five minutes stood by the bath with the shower head in hand, messing with the temperature, trying the different settings, etc., with a look of real concentration on his face.

He emailed back the next day and said he might be interested, but he wasn't sure. Could he come back and have another look at the shower?

We also had a guy we had to ask to move out after a month because the shy PhD student who had the small room upstairs noticed her knickers had suddenly started disappearing from her laundry basket and then reappearing there later on since he'd moved in. When she brought it up with him, he said he was only borrowing them because he loved her.

We also had a bloke who seemed pretty nice when we interviewed him, but turned out to be having a massive crisis of some sort. He revealed to us he was moving out of his old place because his wife had left him, went on a massive bender for about a week (which got him sacked), then suddenly decided alcohol was evil and I returned one evening to find he'd poured my gin down the sink and wanted to talk to me about the evils of my ways. He later joined the army.

Short version - if you decide to live with people you meet over the Internet, don't assume they'll be normal
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 23 Nov 2012, 11:20, 5 replies)

My studies of chatroullette have led me to conclude
that the average man on the street, given that his anonymity was protected, would be either flashing his cock in your face or idly masturbating when meeting you for the first time, given his choice
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 19:08, 2 replies)

I got a flurry of weird messages a few days ago...
...from David Markuze, a.k.a. David Mabus, a.k.a. that bloke who was arrested again this week in Canada for threatening people online.

In the past I have also debated creationists who are convinced that basic mathematics is wrong. This particular argument was that the total capacity of Noah's Ark only needed to be the number of animals times their median size, not their mean size. Median size of 2 mice + 1 elephant = size of a mouse. Therefore for 2 mice + 1 elephant you only need an ark big enough for 3 mice.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 14:58, 12 replies)