3 weeks ago
By email on a Monday morning when I got to work.

9 years together. 2 kids. House. Everything.

At least by the 3rd week I feel less suicidal.

Sorry if you're looking for humour, but what do you expect with a QOTW such as this?
(Hog UK, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 14:37, Reply)

!Conundrum!
Don't forget, I know all your secrets and if a demented Southern Harpy *does* turn up on my doorstep I'll send her straight back to you via Liverpool to "pick up a friend".

You have been warned.

Brothers - who'd 'ave 'em....

I remain
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 14:33, Reply)

My days of taking acid
were completely over when a few of my mates and I went for a walk through some paddocks. We found a lake with some scary eels in there and spent half the night fighting them. We lost, one of us had a broken arm and we all had bruises all over our faces. One of my friends nearly drowned, and it was only through my brave act of jumping in after him, dragging him out (whilst fighting off the eels) and resuscitating him that he survived. After fleeing the scene and returning to our fire we all took stock of the night and tried to recover. 2 of us were quite badly injured by the eels at this stage, and we spent the rest of the night planning revenge on the fuckers when we straightened out.

In the morning we realised that we were at least 14km from the nearest body of water and that 2 of our friends needed an ambulance, quickly.

No idea what we did that night, but we all swear that we were fighting eels in a massive lake, and that we were stealing their powers.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 14:30, Reply)

When I sobered up...
And realised what I had done.
( Fish, My keyboard has dsylexia built in., Thu 21 Jul 2005, 14:29, Reply)

amsterdam
Me and girlfriend... well ex girlfriend.

Stood in a coffee shop buying some grade A parpnuggets, when a nutty looking cross eyed chap in a dirty mac walked in. He stood about 3 feet away from us with a massive butterfly knife in his hand. STARING at my girlfriend.

I was blunted so sat there dribbling, thinking... hmmm.. hope we dont get stabbed. The coffee shop owners were like "get out! leave them alone! go on! shoo!"

knife-wielding nutbar stumbles out of coffee shop and thats that.

However, whilst leaving, i made a concious decision to let the girl i was with walk out first... the logic behind such a decision? "If he's lurking outside... she'll get stabbed first."

at that point i thought... hmmm.. maybe this isn't "the one"

what a pussy hey? i still think about it and cringe.
( biscuits_alive taste my rainbow, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 14:25, Reply)

hohum
We were invited to a friend's wedding reception, but due a translation problem with stoopid Merkins, we ended up in Loughborough rather than Loogaboorooga. So she dumped me.
(Wrecked Tums, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 14:24, Reply)

...when
i came home to find him in our bed with a 14yr old...they're still together - she's now 15...and he's still a dirty fucking paedo


bitter moi?!?
(Nos coeurs cocaine Montparnasse Le mix de gelée vodka et le beat, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Ex-Girlfriend
She "went for a walk" at rock Night at the uni
Translation:
Let's get out of his way while I figure out how to crush him like a bug...
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 14:04, Reply)

First Boyfriend
When I was an innocent 17 yr old (a whole 3 years ago in November) I got my first boyfriend, now have low self confidence I somehow stuck with this boy for a entire 3 months even though I knew it was over after two weeks when we went for a meal and told me he loved after 2 weeks and also said 'Dont spend too much cos I havent got that much money'
He was a bit weird, so I dumped him by text.
(purplefairy, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:55, Reply)

The perils of cybersex
I used to work for a well known telecoms company which shall remain nameless.....but if I say 'it's gud to tork' you might have a clue. I often used to work long and lonely night shifts in the control room and to pass the time I struck up a cyber-friendship with a slightly weird (but extremely filthy-minded) lady from the backwoods of Tenessee. Things progressed rapidly from suggestive innuendo via e-mail to a spot of phone sex then web-cams entered my life and I was doomed. On seeing my sexy southerner by flickering web-cam I found out she was good thirty years older than I thought, with long straggly grey hair and pendulous dugs that swung gently somewhere near her kneecaps.

She was waving her plane ticket to Heathrow in her shrivelled claw, promising to show me a 'real good southern good time' when she arrived to consumate our relationship.

Thank God I told her my name was Joe and I lived in Northumberland.

And to my brother Joe, aplogies if the demented yank arrived on your doorstep demanding wild monkey sex and lifelong commitment.

Rather you than me, mate.

I'll get me coat......
(Conundrum, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Drunk Pirate sees battalion sex Ex for what she is.
My ex-girlfriend, lets call her Sarah, had dumped me some weeks before this story begins by text message. But she had continued to send me txts saying she wanted me back etc.

Anyhoo, my friend Simon had come down from Scotland to try and cheer me up. So we got dressed up as pirates (it is all most impossible to be unhappy while dressed as a pirate) and went to the first party of the evening. Much booze and inappropriate behaviour later we, still dressed in full pirate regalia, went to another house party being held by some of my other friends.

My ex-girlfriend is friends with one of my old school friends and thinking that I wouldn't be at the second house party (she had been avoiding me as I told her I never wanted to see her again) had turned up with him.
I, slightly worse for wear (I still haven't learnt after seven years of Stella abuse that it makes me into an uncontrollable, sex mad idiot, who says bad things and doesn't remember what he's done), whispered something inappropriate into Sarah's ear and then led her to the bathroom.
Where we had NastyDirtySex.
The problem was I a horrible moment of clarity just as I was finishing off.
This was not good.
I realised in my fleeting moment of sobriety she had put on a wee bit of weight (approx 2 imperial stones) and looked like a hooker who had just completed a Joy Division "battalion" marathon.
Anyhoo I grabbed my clothes and open the bathroom door to find all of my friends from the party stood out side the door, they stared, they pointed in shock and then they cheered.

I looked back into the room, realised what i'd done and that it really was over, ran into the kitchen and had a huge slug of brandy, was sick and then demanded to be taken home.

I still have my "lucky" pirate outfit and have never been unhappy while wearing it.

I havn't spoken to her since, I think she got the message
(A bit Manchester, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:30, Reply)

The end of an era
I used to work as assistant manager in a pub in town. It had recently been taken over by a chain of try-hard bars but for the first six months wasn't too busy. The manager got the sack and they shipped in this northern guy whose job it was to turn around failing pubs.

To be fair, the pub did get a lot busier but profits didn't improve much. This was mainly due to the lock-ins we were having every night of the week and the fact that me and the manager were "borrowing" money from the till to pay for cocaine.

When the owners found out we'd run up a £9,000 stock defecit in 3 months, things didn't look good.

The manager was sacked and replaced with a useless, 25 stone woman from the town who I've always disliked anyway. After a week of working with her it became clear that she knew fuck all about running pubs and was content to sit on her arse all day watching tv while I did all the work.

Things came to a head after a week. It was a friday night and a bank holiday weekend so we were due to shut an hour later. I had a few shots with one of my fellow barmen, a concoction of our own devising made from Absinthe and Agwa (Distilled from coco leaves, not sure if you can get it anywhere except Brighton) which we named the Scagwa. Before we knew it, we'd finished both bottles.

Half a bottle of Absinthe does funny things to you and inevitably I ended up arguing with the fat manager. We had a dj playing and she chose to cut the music temporarily just as I shouted at the boss "Basically you're a fat cunt and everyone hates you". Deathly silence across the bar followed by a rousing round of applause from the 150 odd people in there.

Amazingly she only barred me for 6 months...
(Ed Can Do, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:30, Reply)

When my boss found out...
...that i'd had a bit of a threesome with his teenage niece and another co-worker. Well, what can I say, it was the Australian outback and I was bored...
(DustyMonkey, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:25, Reply)

Picked up a girl on her birthday
and went back to hers for a bit of how's your father. Later on I fell asleep in her bed only to be awakened by her crying.

She was crying because it felt weird bonking someone other than her ex. But weird in a good way.

Weird enough to make her cry, apparently. Thanks love.

Even though I knew it was over, I still stayed with her long enough to move in with her and then spent the next eight months arguing, before I finally got my shit together and left. Which I guess makes me just as big a psycho as her.
(Reverend Jim de Licious, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:24, Reply)

She was shagging someone else
for the first three months when we started 'dating'.

Was it over then? Stupidly, naïvely, optimistically no.

I first realised it was over when we'd been living together for about 8 years. Previously, I'd always avoided her oral efforts because her technique was 'toothy' to say the least and she didn't respond to constructive criticism like "OOOOoouuuuccchchhhhh".

So, one morning she nips under the covers and let's just say her technique had improved somewhat.

In fact, her technique was uncannily identical to the detailed description of the perfect blow-job that one of her drunken work colleagues had related to me 6 months earlier at one of the very few of her work dos that she ever invited me to.

The very same work colleague that she just spent a week with in New York on a business trip.

I did take another 18 months to actually tell her it was over, and then only when she finally realised I'd started shagging someone else.
(SpittyWoonerism, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:23, Reply)

There's more than these, but I can't be bothered
When I walked in on my girlfriend pleasuring on of my house mates with her mouth.

When my girlfriends father said that if I went near his daughter again he'd kill me

When my girlfriend hit me after I said she had nice titties

When I realised my girlfriend was mad, shortly after she'd threatened two of my female friends

When following a night on the piss I puked out the window onto the flat roof below.

When I woke up and realised I was married

and they're not all the same person
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:21, Reply)

You lot
When, for the umpteenth time today a member of staff has found me giggling like a nutter over qotw instead of doing any work. You bastards.
(tomshave, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:21, Reply)

After 4 weeks of working at the TESCO call centre
Talking calls from people who care WAY to much about clubcard, I knew it was time to leave after a dodgy black pudding from the office canteen left me ill for the rest of the day, chucking up the chocolate milk i had washed it down it with. It wasn't a nice feeling, and I left a little trail of brown puke from the office door to the bus stop...
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:15, Reply)

Mentalist
I'd been hopelessly in love with this girl since the age of about 15. Finally got together about five years later, moved in together, got engaged, made plans to go and get married in Scotland.

Then she went mental.

Started following me round town during my lunch break wearing a wig and sunglasses as she suspected I was having an affair.

Insisted I went to a hypnotist to erase all memories of my previous girlfriends, friends, and even relatives.

Painted the whole of our place pink. I'm talking ceiling, walls, floor, and every object contained within. Everything. Oh, and the car as well.

The final straw was when she demanded that I prove my love to her. And there was only one way I could do this.

It was by writing a letter to her brother telling her how much I loved her. Whilst wanking at the same time.

We didn't get married.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:14, Reply)

Time to leave
Worked as a receptionist at night for an out of hours Doctors service.

Had been held at knife knife point in my second week by a guy looking for methadone.

Had a woman collapse in the waiting room while we were alone and stop breathing, when the Dr finally came through he words were "call an ambulance and get her the fuck out".

But it was when someone placed a bag on the counter and asked if the Dr could look at it, that I thought enough was enough. It was a plastic bag filled with, again in the ladies own words, "a blood clot the size and shape of a cows kidney". This had been discharged after her grand-daughter hadn't had a period for three months. The smell was increadible and how the hell does she know what size and shape a cows kidney is.

There were others but I'll only end up crying at the stupidity of some people in this world.
(Billy Sastard, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:02, Reply)

My job was over when I
came in to work one day and a female colleague was off sick, I thought nothing of it until lunchtime when she called me in tears to ask/scream "Why haven't you called to see why I'm off today?", then I got called into the Boss the following week after a few days off myself to be questioned about why she had sent me 50 odd emails while I was away, silly loon had been arguing with me to herself whilst I wasn't there, freak.

Didn't like the job anyway.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 21 Jul 2005, 12:55, Reply)

Mentalist showed me her returned police evidence
Out on the piss, met this girl who was a bit weird but I was drunk and didn’t care.

End of the evening we walked back to her flat and she decided, at half one in the morning, to knock up her next door neighbour and introduced me as her new boyfriend! Despite this unusal behaviour I was still thinking with my John Thomas and went along with it and after she was told by her mate to go away we eventually got to her flat.

On entering I was rather taken aback by the amount of plastic black binliners around the place but feeling the bladder pressure from a night on the razz made my excuses and went to use her toilet. There I was confronted with lots of the usual girly shower/smellies, but all of the brand names had big blank stickers over them.

A bit freaked out now I first ask her about the contents of the bin liners and was told that it was the evidence return to her by the police from the collapsed rape trial she was the subject of.

With a sense of dread I then asked about the blanked out shower bottles, and was informed that she took them from the mental hospital that she'd just been released from after she was sectioned after the trial.

Fucking hell.

At this point dear reader you would think that I should have run for the hills? Oh no, I did what any red blooded male would do and stayed and shagged her rotten, doing a quick exit the following morning whilst she was in the shower, BUT THATS WHEN I KNEW IT WAS OVER...............

Apologies for my 12 inch love soaked length.
(If it could happen to me like that i'd shit my pants, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 12:37, Reply)

...was when, after 5 agonising hours in an office
drinking free coffee, I really needed a piss and couldnt find the bathroom. So I closed the door to the executive suite, unzipped, and filled up a 1 litre bottle of Evian that I had emptied onto the plastic plant.

Turn around to see the MD with a group of sharp-suited clients clustered around the door with their mouths hanging open. And me with my cock squeezed into a bottle of "naturally filtered water."

Oh, the joys of working freelance
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 12:30, Reply)

I came to the
end of the last page.

Then everyone started to clap.
(roysin, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 12:25, Reply)

Lack of Sleep
I used to work as third-line/trouble shooter for a massive multi-national and my job entailed shooting off all over the world at the drop of a hat. One day I'd just arrived back from a job in Spain and rocked up at work for a works piss up in the social club having being awake for the past 48 hours. Of course, after being awake that long booze hits you like a baseball bat across the back of the head and I got massively pissed very quickly.

There was some sort of presentation going on with a lot of Chinese and Japanese from the Asia-Pacific arm of the company and I was swaying about on the edge of the crowd watching these lovely Asian women go up to the podium to receive some sort of sales award.

"What do we in London want to say to these hard-working girls" asked some nameless executive rhetorically?

"ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME TWO-DOLLAR!!!" yells me before falling over and being escorted from the building. And my job.

Ah well. I'd been there for ages anyway and it was time to move on.

Another good memory of when I was
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 12:23, Reply)

FOUND:
One booking form confirming flights to Nice for boyfriend and sl*pper he'd been denying all knowledge of for six months.

Tolerant, forgiving and patient - yes.

Completely self-loathing and desperate - noooo.

Was out of there so fast I didn't hear the door close...
(spacecowgirl, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 12:23, Reply)

Nails in the coffin
Each one of these events was a nail in the coffin of our doomed relationship (which ended 3 weeks ago)

When he sweetly told me he was dealing with the ironing pile and then proceeded to iron all of his own clothes and none of mine.

When he cycled past me in a torrential rainstorm and just shouted and waved instead of stopping and giving me a backie, or at least his jacket.

When he told me he had booked a romantic weekend away in Dublin as a Valentine’s surprise (though it was 2 weeks after Valentine’s day) and it turned out that – “coincidentally” – England were playing Ireland (rugby) that weekend – “We might as well go along to the match while we’re here, eh love”.

When he casually revealed to me that he had been told in the past that he is probably unable to father children due to a physiological problem (veiny balls). 2 years after we had met.

When he switched all the lights out when my friend was round visiting me “because it’s past 10 o’clock and it’s time for bed”.

When he locked me out for the same reason.

When he asked me if I’d be upset if my newborn niece died of cot death before I got to see her. He really did actually say that. As a “joke”. That’s alright then eh?

When he refused to have my name added to his next to the doorbell even 6 months after I had moved in with him “because to be fair it’s my flat, and besides I’ve never had the pleasure of pulling birds and bringing them back here because I’ve been with you the whole time I’ve lived here”.

When he refused to go to my grandfather’s funeral “because I’ve only met him once”.

But the final agonising moment when I finally realised that this man is a tosser, was when we were on holiday recently and I nearly slipped as we were walking along by the pool. My instinct was to reach out to grab his arm for support. His instinct was to pull his arm away in case I pulled him down with me.

I could go on for days… wow this has been great, I feel cleansed!!
(Mad McMad, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 12:20, Reply)

oh mother i can feel the soil falling over my head
Long distance relationships are bollocks.

"Sorry Dan, I can't visit you on your birthday. I'm going to Milton Keynes."

That just about said it all for that relationship.
( blindmelon, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 12:19, Reply)