Instant Karma
So there I am, responsible dog owner that I am. Have to take my much loved pooch out for her walkies.
So off we trot over the field opposite our house, and she’s running about like she’s never seen daylight before. Suddenly, it’s time, she squats, is it a wee…? Nah, it’s a dog egg. Not to worry; not a problem, as said, I am a responsible pet owner, I’ll just do my civic duty and pick up the little steaming parcel she’s just deposited. I fumble in my pocket for the “doggy bag”….ah…oh dear, I seem to have neglected to take one with me, bugger. I quickly look around, there’s no one in sight; not a soul. Just have to leave this one, put head down in shame and start walking away from the poop as quickly as possible.
I’ll chalk this one down to experience, and check I’ve got shit-bags next time….

We complete our walk through the woods, and return home crossing the aforementioned field… yes, I’m sure you all know exactly what’s coming…. Karma struck me right between the eyes; well actually it was more like the sole of my left foot. Yeah, I’d only gone and stood in my own dog’s shit. Karma alright, and thoroughly deserved.

oh the shame

todgers etc…
( Adolf Jitler is editor of Practical Shoelace Collector, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 20:21, 2 replies)

probs bindun
Dunno about the rest of you, but whenever I laugh at a joke on sikipedia, I expect rabid elephants to fall on my head at any moment...
well, at least until I forget. Then my paranoia goes back to normal levels. They are out to get me. I hear them...
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 19:36, 2 replies)

plane woes
You'd be surprised, neither budget companies, nor 'reputable' ones can get it right.

Flown to Canada 3 times in the last 2 years. First time was delayed by 5 hours, due to technical fault - budget airline

Second time only about an hour delay, but chewing gum on seat, again budget airline.

Determined not to be screwed about a third time by a budget company, the third time, flew with BA, who were, oddly enough, offering cheaper flights than the budget companies. You guessed it, 5 hour delay.

This is karmic retribution for us polluting the environment/creating holes in o-zone layer/general other greenpeace schpiel by flying.

Thankfully I didn't have to go through it a fourth time, gave up entirely, and stayed in Canada.
( Trijian, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 19:34, 12 replies)

I had
A lovely little 125 motorbike, Honda CG125. Rode it to work and back every day, a round trip of about 40 miles. Saw all the other apprentices, and other folk in general, on their nasty little twist and go scooters, and felt slightly superior. This made up for my mate on a big 600cc laughing at me, you see.
Merrily trundling home friday, minding my own business. Sees a car indicating right, to turn across me. Sees him suddenly pull out as I am approaching, sees the tarmc going by at 40 odd mph about a foot from my face.
Today, I get a hire "bike" to replace my poor mangled steed. Look up the Yamaha cygnus 125.
It is snot green, the size of a whale and struggles to do 50, being a 125 twist and go. I could go on, but I might get so cross I'd go and smash it, it is that horrid.
Scooters are like gay sex. Some people like it, and I don't argue with it. But to me, it's just nasty.


Anyone flogging a CG?
( Greenbat, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 19:27, 9 replies)

GOUT.....
....After 4 days of sex, drugs and rock and roll (and a SHED load of booze!) at Download festival 3 years ago, I woke up a day or two afterwards with what felt like toe rot. I was in mega pain and had to go to the docs. I was 21 at the time and doctor diagnosed GOUT! As gout is something that old alcoholics get he was not amused. My work colleagues were though and I was a laughing stock for quite some time. Fucking Karma!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 18:55, 4 replies)

Speeding
My GF has just been done for speeding - serves her right as she laughed at me when I got done in December :o)

Sorry for the lack of posts everyone, I've not had much to post for the QOTWs.

I'll see you/anyone next week though :o) Who's actually going??
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 18:39, 5 replies)

Wedding Dances
I used to play in a band for wedding dances -- mostly oldies and country to keep the elderly relatives doing the polka and headache-free 'til 10 p.m.. The idea was to play what would keep the person signing the check happy.

Wherever we played, there was always one 20-something guy that hassled the band all night "Play Freebird!" and "AC/Fekkin'DC!!" Or they'd launch into a long conversation about "Whassh weh shoulbbd plarry" in the middle of a song -- all the while, fumbling a drink over electronics that cost more than their 9 years of college loans.

The party ended and everyone went somewhere else. We finished tearing down to an empty room.

I stopped by the can on the way out and there was our music critic. He was sleeping it off under the urinals, covered with his own puke and quite a few people's piss.

And no, I didn't piss on him -- or offer to help. I figured that he and I and the universe were "even" at that point.

Length: Not enough to reach the urinal from the floor.
(Yank, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 17:48, Reply)

My Chavvy Mate
I have a pal who is just a tad chavvy, he loves boy racing, bad music and swearing before every other word.

Not that i mind, he's genuine and kind, but slightly egotystical.

So im getting a lift with him in his new car, chavmobile v1, and he is showing off... despite only driving for less than a year he thinks he is 'da bom', cuts a load of people up, nearly runs some poor folk over.

Karma? pulling onto the motorway (M5, if it matters) he spins out, crashes into the central reservation and fucks up his brand spankin new car :)

Ooops.


No length today folks, I appear to be having erectile dysfunction. Sorry.
(Pointless as a chavs bathroom, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 17:23, 1 reply)

I think Karma did this...
My girlfriend and I were on a flight back from Germany and upon waiting for our flight noticed that the earlier flight back to London was delayed. We had a little Nelson from the simpsons 'HA HA' at them and moved onto our plane. Cue much waiting on a fecking hot stuffy plane while they transferred all the passengers off the delayed plane onto ours.

The following week my plane was delayed three hours!! I'm still not sure if this is piss poor service from BA or Karma?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 16:02, 6 replies)

Old photos
Having read the Resident Loon's post below about finding the old house and the man's belongings it reminded me of something I did when I was an art undergraduate....

I was really obsessed with philosophy and existential angst (it's been said many, many times before that I can't do anything by halves - I can't have a vague interest in Plato...oh no! Bloody French existentialists instead....).

One thing in particular that bothered me (and still does in some respects, although now I'd say more that I'm interested and intrigued by this) is the idea that once you're dead and everyone who knows you has died, you have truly died (I can't remember which philosopher said this - I'm paraphrasing, but I think it was dear old Jean-Paul). Added to which everyone remembers events differently.....

So...that means if you find old photos of someone unknown to you then you can make up whole stories about their life.

This is pretty much what the tabloids do
anyway....

Well I found some old photos in a junk shop in sunny Margate. They showed a small boy aged around two or three, named him, mentioned the year and the place. He was born the same year as my dad - 1940, so conceivably he was still alive.

I fired up Google and rather quickly I found him! And even better - an email address.

A couple of emails later and I sent the photos in their original album off to this man and reunited him with a bit of his past.

Other photos I had picked up in the same junk shop were untraceable so I made a series of films using them...this led onto me taking footage in an empty house where an old man had recently died. The empty house film can be seen here.

I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with Karma (I can't say I particularly believe in the idea anyway) but I like the idea of everyone being remembered somehow...even if it's not the truth.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 15:23, 17 replies)

Karma curmudgeon
I've been wondering what the time limit has to be in order for coincidence to become karma. If I fall down the stairs today, is it because I pushed a schoolmate down the steps 23 years ago. Or - and this is just a thought -are the two totally unrelated? Would I have to fall down the steps immediately after pushing the other guy, or would a fortnight be enough time to link the two?

And does magnitude play a part? If I laugh at someone's ginger hair, does that mean I'm due some karmic retribution? EVERYONE laughs and ginges, so that's not really fair. If I will an old woman to fall under a car to clear my path, does that deserve retributive karma?

And what about commensurability? If I spit at Peter Andre, would I be justified in being outraged to receive bowel cancer as my divine justice? Or let's say I lose a limb freeing a puppy from a bear trap, then I find 20p on the street. That's pretty fucking useless karma. I'd expect at least £10,000 for the loss of a limb. This isn't Norwich Union, after all - it's fucking cosmic balance.
(frankspencer, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 15:12, 11 replies)

Karma or just weird body?
I take it as karma that since I'm always nice to everyone, only retaliating when provoked and even then not really doing anything, that when people hit me they seem to hurt themselves. Serves them right I reckon. The punch thrown at me by a flatmate the other day was particularly satisfying when it connected with my arm, only to make all his fingers make a horrible crunch and him hop away howling.
Nice as it is, I do wish karma would manifest itself in some other (better) way though...
(Robbish is twitching & salivating like with myxomatosis, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 15:10, Reply)

if karma is rail
If karma does exist then First Great Western are fucked. Good. They couldn't run a bath.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 14:26, 8 replies)

Parking tickets
When i park up, if there is any time left on my ticket (usually is, I'm a man and things can be done in 10 minutes flat meaning the 0-2 hour ticket is a waste) i take the sticky-backed thing off and leave it on the ticket machine nearest me.

I believe this is my way of passing on karma. Saves someone £1.30 for a ticket.

This has only returned to me once, when i discovered a similar thing had happened - i approached the ticket machine, and lo there was a ticket there. With a whole day left.

So i took it, used it, and passed it on.

Parking ticket karma is cyclical, my friends.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Tue 26 Feb 2008, 13:55, 11 replies)

Karma's a bitch
I've been lurking for years now, and only recently realised that I've had story for nearly every QOTW so far. So I'm finally IN.

So I left the girlfriend's place early one morning after getting in late and it'd been raining. As I stepped over the gutter I noticed a worm wriggling about in the stream.
Feeling sorry, I lifted it out with a key and carefully put it down on the grass footpath.
As I look up I see a glowing AUD$50 note on the road. I run over and claim my Karmic prize. As I cross the road to my car, I see another worm in the opposite gutter. "What the hell" I think, and lift him to his muddy salvation with his mate. As I turned to go back to the car, something caught my eye. Another $50 note on the road. "Score" thought I, doing a short dance. "This could turn into a very profitable enterprise." I spend the next 10 minutes scouring the gutters for more stray annelids, notes in hand but alas none are found. "Oh well, maybe I've done my Karmic duty for the day and received due reward, fair 'nuff" I think as I open my wallet to store said currency until it can be spent on boiled sweets and soda pop. As I stood there, in the rain, trying to figure out where the two $50 notes I had withdrawn the night before had gone, I'd swear I could hear some kind of ghostly laughing...
(Edktstsss, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 13:48, 4 replies)

Karma fucked me over good
I don't really believe in karma, but if it really does exist I am most certainly it's bitch. Here is how it got me (apologies for length).

A few years ago me and mrs Lakejen800 were going through a bit of a rough patch. Enter cute chick from work. Add the fact that I, well past my teen years, am as hormone crazed and irresponsible as ever and put the two of us together on a work night out. Smooching (and a bit of groping) happens but nothing worse and I really didn't think much more of it until monday morning at work.

Everything is fine until towards the end of the day cute chick and I end up in a tiny room with no windows. More kissing (though less groping, we were at work after all) and an agreement to meet up later happens. Over the next couple of weeks we see a lot of each other and also end up doing the horizontal mambo one night. And yes, we did use condom. The "relationship" more or less ended after that night, so I, in my infinite wisdom, decide to just let it go and pretend that nothing happened. for about 1 week...

Then it starts hurting when I pee, and my little guy starts to get covered in yellow, foul smelling goo. Sure enough, a quick trip to the doc confirms that I have chlamydia which of course means that I have to come clean to mrs Lakejen800 (something I really should have done anyways) so she can go see the doc as well. Now, you'd think that getting chlamydia would be enough of a punishment for infidelity but karma had only just started on me.

After a week or 2 chlamydia has been treated and things (sort of) patched up with mrs Lakejen800, when I suddenly get this lingering pain in my right heel. It gradually gets worse over the next weeks, to the extent where I litterally cannot walk without the assistance of some serious pain killers. several trips to doc and a visit to a specialist later I get the diagnosis: Something called Reiter's syndrome (or post-infective arthritis). It turns out that one in a zillion people who get chlamydia also develop Reiter's (okay a bit exaggerated, but makes for a better story) and I just happen to be that one. At this point both my feet and my right hand are swelled up like balloons and without the painkillers I would pretty much have been 100% invalid. Only bright point is that Reiter's syndrome in most cases is temporary. Of course, for one in a zillion people it is NOT temporary. I'm sure you can guess who is amongst one in a zillion again. Yep, yours truly develops chronic arthritis at an age of less than 30.

Fortunately it is not nearly as bad as it was a couple of years ago. My right hand seems to be ok (thank god I didn't have to learn how to wank with my left hand) and I don't use pain killers anymore. I can essentially walk normally, but every time I take a step I am reminded of that mistake I made one night.

Quite frankly, I think karma has been just a tad hard on me. Bastard.

PS. I don't know why I am posting this, as mrs Lakejen800 will undoubtedly kill me if she finds out (and she does quite often read these pages) so let me just try and save my ass in advance: I am sorry, please please please forgive me. I love you a lot.
(Lakejen800, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 13:03, 10 replies)

A knob jockey up the road from me
he's got pimped up spazmobile. His pride and joy that he probobly washes it more than his cock
He decided to wash his car early evening on a really really cold night. The result an ice-rink all around knob jockeys said body panel covered piece of shit. I skidded on the ice and "unfortunately" crashed into it in my 14 year old golf (I'm no petrol head). It was a very odd crash in slow motion that succeeded in knackering his panels and paint work without doing a jot of damage to my old crate

That'll learn him
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 12:41, 3 replies)

I don't know what i did...
But Karma FUCKING hates me...

So far this year:

I've moved into a new house with a mate i've known for nearly seven years. Always got on well and never argued.

January: Find out that an old school friend now lives only minutes away. Haven't seen them in 15 years. We meet up get on like a house on fire.
I introduce new/old friend to my housemate. He fucks her. She doesn't speak to me any more.

February: I have a housewarming party. My sister comes to visit for the party. Everything goes swimmingly, until the next morning when i find a load of used condoms in the ash tray. From my housemate. And my sister.

I dread to think what March has coming (I'm a firm believer in things happening in three's)

All I can think is that somewhere along the line I'll either get a massive payoff, or I was an absolute cock in a past life and deserve everything i get.

Still... You've got to laugh haven't you?

Edit: Found out this morning I'm being made redundant... as of the end of March... I seem to be somewhat prophetic in predicting my bad Karma. Bollocks.
(Nuclear Ninja like a radioactive Chuck Norris..., Tue 26 Feb 2008, 12:05, 10 replies)

Karma sucks kind of?
I usually never overtake other cars as i'm quite a carefull driver (but isn't everyone?) Anyway on the way back from a job i decided that the grandad infront of me was going far to slow for me to be able to make it back in time for my lunch so i overtook him, no worries and looking in my rearview mirror i can see him disapearing into the distance.
A few miles up the road i had to wait behind a car turning right and a quick glance in my rear view confirmed that the grandad had decided to put his foot down and had caught me up but as he was reaching for the wearthers originals in his glove box had no idea that i was stationary and ploughed into the back of me.
Karma sucks.
well actually its not that bad as i now have a "whiplash" claim going through kerching!
(Sethgecko1977, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 11:23, 2 replies)

What goes around...
Picture the scene: it’s 1991 and ScousersPet is an awkward 14 year old, who is sufficiently small (sub five foot) and skinny (sub 6 stone) to have been give the nickname “Runt”, and is bullied mercilessly by a fellow classmate as his all-boys school. We will call the tormentor “Keith” for that was his name. Keith was a good head bigger than ScousersPet and a fair bit heavier and takes great delight in inflicting tortures that leave no mark, such as hair-pulling and painful joint manipulation. Keith makes our hero’s life a complete misery for two years, until they both leave the school at 16 in 1993.

Spin on three years, ScousersPet is 19 and has finally grown up – he is 6’2”, quite heavily muscled and has started a promising kick-boxing career (only halted by a series of injuries) and he finds himself stood in a bar in the rougher end of town. He has spent most of the night trying to impress a cute, 18 year old goth chick, that he had met the week before, but was getting nowhere and had started to consider cutting his losses and leaving. Whilst stood at the bar, ScousersPet glances to his right and spots someone he recognises. After a few moments of dredging his booze-addled memory, he realised the scrawny, scabby little shit next to him is the very same Keith who made him so miserable all those years before and, not only that, he had clearly not grown any since was 16.

Upon spotting ScousersPet looking at him, Keith does a comedy panic-jump as he clearly recognises the victim of his two years torture who is now much, much bigger than he. So ScousersPet brings the meeting to it’s inevitable conclusion: he buys Keith a pint and asks him how his life was going – not bad, but not great, as it turned out, he was a binman, so was on pretty good money, but had developed a nasty substance habit, so was permabroke. Conversation goes on for half an hour or so before they go their separate ways.

So what is karmic about that, I hear you cry (type). Well, cute, goth girl was still in the bar, getting more and more bored by the minute, since ScousersPet had abandoned her to talk to Keith. When he returned to her, she demanded to know where he had been for so long. ScousersPet regaled her with the tale of the bully and the chance meeting. Goth girl suddenly becomes very impressed with ScousersPet and, not long after, sucks him off in the bogs.

Good things happen to those who do good things.
(ScousersPet, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 11:21, 5 replies)

teh other day
i gave a cigarette to a tramp in the local train station, i was heading towards the platform when i noticed again that same tramp walking before me, he stopped and grabbed a wallet someone had lost..but he failed to notice a roll of bank notes(20€ x 20) right next to it..eh eh
( olivier8 (euroloon), Tue 26 Feb 2008, 10:45, Reply)

Long time listener, first time caller
*POP!* I’ve been lurking in B3ta since Noah built a rowboat, I finally created an account.

My story of Karma,

I work in many jobs, one of these many moons ago was decommissioning IT infrastructure after the dot bomb era, testing and junking what didn’t work. One time, there was a brilliant internet server, which was “junked” to the boot of my car. I used it for several years as a hosting service for the red light district.

Righteo, onto the karma bit. Since then, I’ve only managed to have one relationship. It turned out to be a nightmare at the end of it (I was on first name basis with the night shifts of my local police station, the neighbours kept calling them on us!).. And I’ve been unable to get lucky at all since the end of that relationship

Length, Please be gentle, it’s my first time.
(Grey_Ghost has yet to decide on a sig on, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 10:01, Reply)

Annoying woman and kids on a plane.
Oh sitting in those sardine tins in the sky is great isn't it? Especially the budget airline ones are fantastic. Im suprised they dont put us in boxes and rack us up like luggage to be honest.

But I guess the annoying part is the fact that the cheap air fares open up the skys to those that perhaps, arent of the social standing to travel. My earlier post about visitors coming to see me now I live abroad is a perfect example of that.

But on a particular flight one day to Spain. Me and my now ex was getting particularly annoyed with a woman sat infront of us, who had two unruly and hyperactive children.

The first thing she did was get herself and her kids to put the seats right back. Now why in sardine class, they allow you to put your seats back leaving the person behind you with their faces pinned to the back of your seat is beyond me. But its incredibly annoying, and its invasion of your own limited space.

Now I understand that kids get bored on planes and stuff. But this woman just couldn't control them. And the guy she was with did nothing to help either. He just sat there like a zombie, no doubt monged out on drugs.

The kids were running upa nd down the plane knocking into us, kicking the seats and generally being noisey and violent with each other.

The woman was one of those council scum class type of people who talk with their tounges in the back of their throats. After listening to her squarking on for about an hour and swearing at her kids I had completely had enough. But held my temper for the sake of peace.

Now the karma came when the plane was landing. A fault occured on one of the engines meaning we had to crash land. She and her scruffy kids perished. But I survived!! hahaha!

Sadly that didnt happen. But both her kids spewed up all over her during landing. Probaly due to a deadly mix of too much coca cola and endless supply of chocolate she was ramming down their throats. The cabin crew were unable to supply her with any cleaning stuff as they were seated for final approach. So she had to sit there, and arrived in Sunny Spain covered in spew.

Me and the ex smiled to each other and muttered "haha Karma!" to her as we disembarked. Felt bad for the cleaners though! I saw her again at the lost luggage counter at the airport as well!
(Miggyman, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 8:53, 31 replies)

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 26 Feb 2008, 8:25, 9 replies)