Fate/Karma awaits
Princess Diana copped it exactly 13 years after my birth. same hour, minute, everything. I can only assume that despite my current career in primary education, I'm destined for regicide. could be worse
(chikkstrel, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 18:42, 2 replies)

A long time ago
In a galaxy far, far away (well, at school), we had a teacher called Mrs Knaggs. Knaggs by name, not *quite* Knaggs by nature - she had a well fierce reputation, and did indeed have many shouty moments, but if you were on her good side she'd happily regale you with tales of how she couldn't go on the pill because she'd had a thrombosis, so used a Cap instead, and how she fitted it by lifting her leg up the side of the bath.

So this one time, well after school had finished, we'd been at band practice or some such activity, and were having a lark running in the corridor on our way home. All smiles and schoolboy pranks as we ran towards the door ... and then, out of nowhere, comes Mrs. Knaggs. The loudest "Oi!" I've ever heard, and immediately both my calves cramp up in the most agonizing pain, dropping me to the floor, poleaxed. I didn't even hear the rest of the telling off it hurt so much. The second she stopped, so did the pain.

Witchcraft or Karma? You decide. Although I've long since left scholastic endeavours behind, I don't run in corridors any more.

Anyway, she eventually married the deputy head, changed her name and calmed down a bit. I sometimes wonder if he was ever privy to a glimpse of her insertion technique....

Length? About 20 yards before I get cramp.
(ramrod_newell had his hair brushed at, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 18:34, Reply)

I don't know what I've done to deserve it, but.....
This has been one of the shittest months of my life. I've had 2 parking tickets, a speeding fine, got a cracked windscreen from a lorry kicking up a stone, turned my MP3 player into a £170 paperweight by accidentally deleting the software on it and today i heard my shock absorber go on my car.
Arses.
(MarKo K, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 18:20, 4 replies)

Scooter-ma
One of the things I share in common with JD off of "Scrubs" is that I ride in to the hospital on my scooter every morning.
There has been a mountain of roadworks around where I live which has slowed down even my nimble machine and vexed me.
This morning though, all temporary traffic lights smiled upon me, there were no lane hogs. It was sunny, but the sun wasn't in my eyes and it wasn't too windy. I smiled.
As I came to the final corner before the hospital entrance I said to myself (under a full face helmet you can be as loopy as you like) "This is too good to be true. This will come back to bite me some time later today". I put on my indicator and "JESUS!", a bloke in a 206 pulled out right in front of me and we both just stopped in time.
He looked very sheepish.
My heart was going like Kris Akabusi.
(Al Fresco dances like your dad, only faster, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 18:15, Reply)

Motorcycle Arsonist Karma
Don't know if anyone has seen this yet:

www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23440910-details/The+moment+a+fumbling+arsonist+tried+to+torch+a+nightclub+-+and+set+fire+to+himself/article.do

Upshot of it is that dude tried to do an arson attack on nightclub and set fire to himself by accident.

Karmic/ironic?
(MizStinky, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 18:04, Reply)

Tenner
About two years ago I saw a bloke drop £10 onto the floor in a London train station.

Result! thinks I, though as I bent down to pick it up... the arse seam of my jeans ripped apart.

New Jeans? £40. Length? 32in.
(toomanydecibels has bleeding ears on, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 17:34, 5 replies)

Inappropriate karma
I once saw a 3 year old who was screaming and shouting in the middle of Asda fall off a nearby cliff and break its fucking neck. It's now in a wheelchair for life.

HA! HA! HA! HOW WE LAUGHED!

(may not be accurate.)
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 17:23, 1 reply)

new years eve...
...a few years ago and to help the night out I managed to aquire a few grams of some very dirty very grimey bass. Not something I would ussually do but what the hey - it is new years after all!
So half way thru the night and I've made my way thru half my stash and I really am feeling it. I know my limits and know i had reached them.
However, just in case, i refused to sell on the other half 'just in case'. Despote several people asking i carried on holding.
Shortly the 'just in case' happened. Just in case i got severe parania, just in case I'm convinced the bouncer on the walkie talkie heading towards me is gonna bust me, Just in case i run to the ladies and bomb everything i got left in one go.
Despite becoming fantastically high and having an amazing evening the next three days were literrly spent in a dark room, unable to sleep, unable to focus, convinced i was going to die.
(Emily Salvage, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 17:13, Reply)

SMOKIN'....
My boyfriend and I had quit smoking for our New Years Resolutions last year and in Jan we stayed in a nice hotel in Leeds after a night out. When booking I proudly asked for a `Non Smoking’ room.

On the evening we went out and we had a great night but we weakened our resolve and had a few ciggies. We went on to a club and were naughty and took some class A drugs. Upon returning back to our hotel room we were deperate for ciggies due to our drug taking and I went ahead and lit one.

My boyfriend said it was probably not a good idea and that we should go into the bathroom where it was more ventilated.

In my chilled out of state of mind I declined and I asked him `what’s the worst that could happen?’……….No sooner had the words left my lips when we heard the loudest, scariest sounding fire alarm that I have ever come across!

I jumped out of bed, put out the fag and paced the room waiting for security to come up. I had visions of us having to evacuate the hotel and been glared at by hundreds of freezing cold guests that had been evacuated at 3am. I had googly eyes from the drugs and would have been in no position to deny anything.

Luckily for me (and I thank my lucky stars to this day), the alarm stopped and all went quiet. I reckon the guys at reception saw us come in fucked up and let it go.

I have NEVER, EVER smoked in a non-smoking room since and no longer take class A drugs.

Lesson learned!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 17:07, 1 reply)

A few years ago
I knew a girl who took being dumped by her boyfriend badly.

She decided to take revenge, and so spread a story around university that he had crabs.

She never realised the implications of this... given that she had gone out with him people assumed that she had crabs too.

Every guy she tried to hit on for the next year knew her as 'crab girl'. It took her about 8 months to realise why she wasn't getting any interest.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 17:02, 1 reply)

May Day Protests, teenaged punkery etc...
This little stunt bit me on the arse so bad...

As a 15 year old goth kid who hated school, I found the May Day protests a valid enough excuse to bunk off. I changed out of my uniform in the toilets, got the bus to Oxford Street and met up with some very hot university students at the station who I immediately bonded with. After swigging from a vodka bottle, smoking a copious amount of weed and general tomfoolery...I decided I had better get home at a reasonable time or the folks would know I hadn't gone to school.

Of course, I didn't have enough cash for the trains and the buses had stopped due to the still ongoing protest. After about an hour of trying to get home and failing I finally called my Dad to come get me on the train, confessing where I was.

The old man bellowed down the phone that they "bloody knew" -they had already seen me on the television! They had spotted my black and pink hair and trademark jacket a few hours before and had been trying to angrily call my mobile to have a go at me. No amount of apologizing could get my dad in a better mood to come and get me, so I, totally stoned almost passed out on a bench trying to prepare for Dad's wrath to come.

After that a homeless person tried to beat me up for "stealing his bench" and a do-gooder attempted to take away the safety pins on my jacket because I "looked like a self harmer"

Dad eventually turned up with as face like thunder, hollering at me in the street , and me still having not gotten the weed and vodka out of my system, rambling and giggling like a manic 5 year old. It didn't go down well as I was practically dragged unto the train.

When I got home Mum was a nightmare. Besides the banshee-like screaming and plate going smashed, I got the playstation, my only real mate at the time locked up for ages but I didn't care because the munchies had kicked in and all I wanted was food. I will never forget the look on my Mum's face when I interrupted her outraged lecture with a slurred "what's for dinner?"

Approximately an extra two hours shouting was earned from that.

That was about 5 years ago and I'm still being reminded of that day off I took. If I've learned anything from this, it's that if you're somewhere you shouldn't be and TV cameras are liable to be around...it's best not to have unmistakable pink hair.
(trippeh, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 17:01, 3 replies)

mmm veggies
ooo another one. Ther was this kid in high school who used to beat me and my weedy friends up. One time he caught my best mate and proceeded to break all his fingers.

soon after his dad had an accident and ended up a veggietato.
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Fri 22 Feb 2008, 16:51, 2 replies)

I've noticed there are a few tailgating stories here, so I'll post mine:
My mate has a 306 TD which he has tuned up to overfuel massively at full throttle. This, along with making the engine perform slightly better, also has the side-effect of producing huge amounts of black smoke every time he puts his foot down.

So that's what he does to tailgaters - cover the front of their car with thick black soot. Apparently works best with brand new BMWs.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 16:48, Reply)

That's what you get
On the way home from school I was kicked up the jacksie by a kid called Danny Fleet. He was just the sort of idiot who would kick off on onyone in his purview. Anyway, a few years later he was hit by a car and was, last time I checked, close to vegetative.
(Umbilical, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 16:47, 2 replies)

Festival Karma.
Once upon a time (well, a few summers ago) I went to the Ennerdale music festival up in the Lake District.

I was supposed to give a friend a lift - however I got a phone call from a few people I knew who were staying at a hippy commune up in Scotland at the time. "Don't take him!", they said. "He's a thief and a wanker!"

These later turned out to be totally unfounded allegations, and the real reason I wasn't to take him was because they were both headcases and had both had long and convoluted on-and-off relationships with him, where presumably he had got sick and tired of their bullshit.

So me, the naive arsehole that I was, listened to them and didn't take him.

He made it anyway - he got a lift with someone else - there were bad vibes all round, I had a shit time, it pissed down and I didn't have any clean socks. That was my karma.

Their (the Scotland crew's) karma?

Well, their car's engine exploded on the way down, costing them a thousand quid to fix and meaning they never made it to the festival.

The odd thing is that I'm still quite good friends with all of the people concerned, they're just stubborn as fuck and all mental. And me? I listen to my heart, rather than my dick.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 16:43, Reply)

Cars and idiots
Back when he was studying medicine, my friend Dr Woods used to punt around Colchester and Ipswich in a little brown Mini.

One evening an Escort looms large in his mirror, stereo so loud that Woody can hear the bass tube booming away over the Mini's own sound system. Said Escort was three feet from the Mini's bootlid and the driver was intent on bullying Woody for fun.

Woody doesn't bother with brake testing or direct confrontation. Oh no, his idea was much more subtle.

He slows almost imperceptibly to 0.5mph below the indicated limit. This enrages the knuckle dragger in the Escort who edges close, flashing his lights and waving his fist.

Lining up for his target of a stationary and very expensive black BMW saloon, Woody wrenches the streering wheel hard to the right, in a manner akin to Ayrton Senna taking the chicane at Monaco, threading around the BMW in one swiftly executed manoeuvre. Mr Escort, possessing neither time to swerve or the Mini's natural "flick of a wrist" agility ploughed into the back of the Bee Emm.

Woody indicates and pulls over (he's a medical professional after all). The shellshocked chimpanzee in the stoved in Escort is looking bewildered, but is unfortunately going to live.

But not for much longer it seems, for the front door nearest the wrecked BMW opens and two, large and extremely annoyed gentlemen are seen to exit. Woody decides that he's seen enough so he rolls down his window to give a cheery wave and departs in the general direction of away, as the two large gentlemen extract the dazed simian from the steaming Escort by means of his lapels.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 22 Feb 2008, 16:42, 2 replies)

Llama Patrol reminds me...
I was giving a mate of mine a lift home one Sunday down narrow windy country roads. There was a chav wanker tail-gating me for about ten miles, trying constantly to over take me. He had his similarly chavvy girlfriend as a passenger and was obviously trying to impress her with his Formula 1 grade driving. Eventually he managed to overtake me, coming out of a small village where there were white diagonal lines down the centre of the road. There was an elderly couple in front of me so he ended up cutting me up, requiring me to put my foot down hard on the anchor.
Some miles later there was a nasty humped back bridge and as I slowed down to go over it I heard a crash of metal: chav wanker had rear-ended the old couple in front.
I drove past, pointed and laughed.
On my way back from my mate's place the old couple's car had gone but the chav car was parked in a ditch, it's entire front end stoved in. I chuckled about that one for the rest of the day!
(Ghostlight, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 16:23, Reply)

Karmic Cycle
Definitely near-instantaneous Karma in action. I think this was last Summer.

I was out for a ride on my bike, and I'd decided to head out into the countryside. There I was, wheezing along (I'm not the fittest of chaps) and suddenly I was almost knocked to the ground by a car full of insult-shouting Chavs.

Annoyed as I was, I carried on cyling. Upon turning a bend in the road, I was delighted to find the same car on it's side in the ditch, with the aforementioned Chavs standing around holding their heads in disbelief.

I felt kind of smug as I rode past.
(llama patrol, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 16:14, Reply)

Team LiveSTRONG
Many of you know last year I rode on Team LiveSTRONG to raise money for the Lance Armstrong Foundation in my Sister's memory. (Just got my email from the team, so I will be riding again this year!)

So, it is like Day 4 of a 7 day, 478 mile bike ride across Iowa. We overnighted at the University of Northern Iowa and after a great nights sleep, I was up and preparing to head out for the day. The team was having a meeting and I was REALLY frustrated because we were wasting time. See, July in Iowa is HOT. So every minute we wasted in a meeting before kicking off was a minute closer to the high sun and heat of noon.

The meeting was just mumblings about silly stuff and I reached my boiling point and decided to be Lone Wolf Citadel and snapped my right foot into my pedal and pushed off down a very very slight hill towards the sidewalk that would carry myself and my roadbike to the roadway for the start of the race. As I reached the sidewalk, I didnt realize it was as elevated from the ground as it was (about 1.5 inches) because the grass was so thick I couldnt see the base.

My front wheel connects with the sidewalk and after wrenching my front wheel to the left about 90 degrees, I go down. On my right side (so no free foot to catch my fall because, well, its ATTACHED to the pedal!) and the way I fell, my KNEE HAMMERED right into the perfectly sharp edge of the sidewalk.

After copious amounts of swearing, I was able to extricate myself from said bike and dragged myself to a nearby picnic table. Upon examination by the 'Team Physician' (I hope they werent paying him!) he patched up the inch long tear in my flesh and said "Right. You can be on your way!"

Later? I discover a sliver of my patela/knee cap has been chipped clean of the knee area. It's still there, floating around.

Karmatic Result you may ask yourself? My being a whiney git wanting to get on my way cost me one piece of my knee and ALOT of blood! So much for me being a 'Team Player' apparently. Though I have since pondered this a good bit and I have come to the conclusion that 'no good deed goes unpunished.'

The best part: the rest of the team left after they learned I was okay to ride. Bastards.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 16:13, Reply)

pun alert
My mate Dave bought a spanking new Lamborghini Galliardo last month - midnight blue and with titanium wheels. Unfortunately. after just a few days the steering column broke. Then the CD player melted itself. Then the brakes had to be replaced due to a fault.

It was by these misfortunes that his new car was marred.
(frankspencer, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 16:12, Reply)

I consistantly and without remorse
was an arrogant cunt to every nation on earth with particular spite saved for brown countries and now everyone hates me and my friends and wants to rain fire on me.

Fuck em, that's what I say, whats the worst that can happen!

Love from America*

10/09/2001

*In all fairness we tagged along as well
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 15:58, 12 replies)

Just remembered another tale, this is a tale with an added spang...
This was a good number of years ago now, back when I was a somewhat spoddish student. It was the end of the academic year, and barring my appearance on the "the following students have failed to reach the required standard" list, life was generally good.

So it came to be that I was making my way over to the artist formerly known as "Mrs Bluemeat" in order to indulge myself in various activities of the genital persuasion. We'd also arranged for me to spend most of the summer there, since her then landlady's rental terms were somewhat better than those offered by my own parents.

As an added bonus, Mrs Bluemeat was fortunate enough to be working for a recruitment agency as office staff. This had several benefits, most notably that it enabled me to remain on their books even when they were not taking on further students for the summer. Whilst being incredibly useful, this was but the fruity stuff within the cake.

The icing on top came from the fact that when around during the holidays, I'd frequently join Mrs Bluemeat and her colleagues for the imbibement of various intoxicating substances, all of which essentially meant that I was very much in favour with all of the office staff. This frequently lead to conversations in the office where my name was frequently discussed as soon as the particularly choice jobs rolled it.

So, faced with the possibility of well paying doss work with less rent to pay and all all you can eat breastage, it was all a bit of a no-brainer really.

Which kinda leads me back to the point of the story. Since i'd be over there for some time, I'd decided to do several runs from home, carrying most of my important possessions with me.

Those of a London persuasion will know the propensity of particularly rushed commuters to sometimes get past someone by barging another person's bag so that it swings out of the way harmlessly, creating a path for them to go about their highly important but completely inane business.

Anyway, it came to be that whilst taking one load of my possessions over to Mrs Bluemeat's that some businessperson attempted this particular trick with my bag.

One *spang* later and they discovered that I was actually carrying my PC system unit in the bag, and that they had just met with one of the corners of it.

Length? They were probably doubled over for a good few minutes..
( bluemeat has been best of all the animals since, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 15:43, 2 replies)

I was driving home from work one day years ago
on the motorway.

I was happily going along at 70, when the car in front was going 60. No problem, I pulled around to overtake, and the guy speeded up, so i got in behind him again.

He slowed down.

I went to overtake, and he sped up.

He played this stupid game 3 or 4 times, much to the obvious delight of his 3 passengers.

I was driving a clapped out old metro at the time with a top speed of 80 on a good day, and so even if I wanted to go stupid-fast to overtake him I couldn't (not that i generally condone excessive speed).

Roadworks were just up ahead. Driving the road every day, I knew EXACTLY where the speed cameras were.

"Right", i thought, "i'll get you you bugger".

I pulled out and planted my foot down, and he kept up same as the last few times. Then, at the last possible moment, i slammed on my brakes and went through the speed camera at exactly 50mph. He flew through at about 80 and got flashed.

He was, from then on, mr. 45, and i cruised past him at a leisurely 50. I gave him a smile and a wave as i did so and felt great for about a week afterwards.
( Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 15:07, 2 replies)

When I was a young kid,
and especially into my teens, I used to think ginger kids were hilarious, and took the piss out of them as often as possible.

Then, as I entered adulthood, I grew a beard and it came out...ginger. If that's not karma I don't know what is.
( krang, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 15:07, 7 replies)

We just recently moved into our new house
and I'm a little bit nuts about keeping everything just so. The Wife can be a bit clumsy at times and sure enough
she recently chipped a plate after dinner while rinsing it prior to loading it in the dishwasher.

She felt bad. I was furious. And while I didn't call her a clumsy fucking cow
who I should never have gotten involved with let alone get married to because God knows you are
passing those careless, simian handed genes onto our fucking children, thank you very much... that is
exactly what was running though my mind.

I am silent yet my body language is screaming "Out of the way before you fuck something else" As I offer to finish up

I pick up a glass, rinse it and promptly shatter it on the side of the sink as I make the move to put it in the dishwasher...

Fuck...
(Galapagos Tortise, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 15:03, 2 replies)

I went to the doctor
he said "I've got some bad news. Firstly, you have a possibly malignant tumour."

I was, obviously, devastated.

"And there's more I'm afraid - you have early onset dementia."

"Oh well", I said,

"at least I don't have a tumour."

Yours,
Anne Olde-Joake.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 14:57, Reply)

In light of frankspencers request for more cynicism
I heard that Madeline McCann used to kick puppies and deliberately shit herself when her parents wanted to go out.

Karma, eh?

There, cynical and gets in the obligatory maddie joke.

insert length joke here.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 14:39, 8 replies)