The posts about how all babies look the same despite their parents' insistence otherwise
reminds me of a Chinese proverb: "There is only one beautiful child in the world, and every mother has it."
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 13:18, 1 reply)

I used to think..
..that the reason my grandad was bald was because he got his hair shot off in the second world war.
(lost, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 13:16, 1 reply)

How could I forget
I was in town this morning attempting to buy some new stationary stationery* when I witnessed some neds/chavs/scum hanging around outside a shop.

"That's strange," I thought, "that shop should be open by now."

As I approached, I could see the shop was indeed open, but the scum had taken a book from said shop and put it in the automatic doors, meaning the doors hit it and ruined it a bit more each time.

For some reason I wasn't surprised in the slightest, things like this just happen when I venture home.


*Woot!

Fixed it. Happy now?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 13:06, 7 replies)

Correct me if I'm wrong...
... but aren't all kids drunk up until the age of about 3?

They vomit, they shit themselves, they can't walk in a straight line (if at all) and are constantly falling over...

I like babies but I couldn't eat a whole one.
( pixxelated mocks you with their monkey pants on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:56, 2 replies)

Elephants and my nephew
Brilliant QOTW! At last I can talk about my nephew.

Danny is about seven now and one of those quiet sensitive children. He's very generous, looks after his younger sister and is a nominated 'friend' at school (where he patrols the playground looking for 'sad' children on their own. Bless!). But once he gets into his element he's a damn funny little kid.

A number of years ago, I visited my brother and his wife and when I left some time later little Danny wanted to give me a picture. He handed me a piece of card, about three inches by two inches, and it was painted completely grey.

"That's lovely Danny!", says I, "What is it?"
"It's an elephant uncle Ghostlight", replies he.

Well, I couldn't see the elephant, just grey-painted card. I thought it might have been one of those things I did at school where you loaded paper with a half inch thick layer of different coloured paint and then etched a picture out of it. Apart from the brush strokes of Danny's artistic masterpiece, I could not see the elephant.

After a while I had to admit to defeat and saw the big eyes of my nephew looking up at me sadly, waiting for his praise.

"I can't see the elephant though..." I said after a while.

Danny held his hand demonstrably to his face, a couple of inches from his eyes and in a hushed yet triumphant voice said:

"It is a picture of an elephant, but it's really REALLY close..."

I collapsed in tears of laughter and have dining out on the anecdote ever since!
(Ghostlight, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:55, 4 replies)

This was from an off-topic reply of mine last QOTW
Good:
Genetic continuity
Look after you when you're old
Can eat them if times are hard
Throw them to distract the zombies

Bad:
Smell
Expensive
Noise
Hassle
Your partner might die giving birth
Can't do all the stuff you'd like to
Negative impact on sex life(Can anyone confirm or deny this?)
No refund policy if you get a bad one


I've not got children, and I don't think I want any.
( Cawl, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:54, 15 replies)

A Small Rant
Ok, so chavs and chavettes are allowed to procreate until they get stabbed or remove genitals with with pliers, and then the kids are allowed to run are doing whatever the hell they want, shouting and fighting and all sorts of kid like things.

But on tv? They remove all sorts of things from programmes during the day as they are unsuitable.

Now removing some things I can understand, but they just removed the words 'talk dirty to me' from a song in Scrubs.

*Scowls at unnecessary editing*

And yes, I should be working and not watching Scrubs.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:51, 1 reply)

Nature repeating itself...
Step 1: Discomfort and bloating around the abdomen, which leads to...
Step 2: Much pushing, straining and sweating. Much pain. Possibly piles as well. All of which leads to...
Step 3: One disappointing little shit (and a possible prolapse).

Constipation or pregnancy? You decide.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:47, Reply)

When I was a child ....
I thought dogs shit out their tails and horses were grown up cows.
( Ramsay Tupper, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:45, Reply)

Parking
I think this is a pearoast but whatever....we get into the local multistorey, and are patiently waiting for a gimmer in a Micra to complete a 93-point turn. From the back seat pipes up a little 4 year old voice "Hurry up you old twat"

Daddy doesn't use swearies when driving any more
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:45, Reply)

Kids - love 'em
...couldn't eat a whole one though

/Mustapha Bin Dun

EDIT ah yes. Repeatedly.

*shuffles back to /board*
( barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:45, Reply)

My nephew is an adorable little sod.
A few months ago I was up at my parents, they were looking after their loving grandson for a few hours when my brother came to collect him.

He had recently had an eye infection and was constantly scratching his eyelid, never really thinking about it and just continually playing with his toys as he did.

His dad was not too happy about him scratching around his eye like this, and when he noticed him scratching away while playing with his toy car, said in a calm but threatening way "You shouldn't scratch your eye, what will you do if you poke it out?" My nephew, still concentrating on the car he was playing with, without turning around or missing a beat replied.

"Then one of my eyes will be on a stalk and I'll look like a dalek"

He was five at the time. He's fucking ace!
( Muns, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:35, 1 reply)

Not funny at all, but quite odd...
I came accross the facebook page of my primary school the other day. It's strange to see what those snotty-nosed kids, that you spent those seemingly endless days with when you were 4, are up to now.

Case in point - one kid, who I remember was always pissing himself, now has a degree in mathematics and a family.

The girl I had an infantile crush on back then is now at Cardiff uni.

And me, the slow child who everyone took the piss out of - even the teachers - I'm a software developer. With A-levels and everything. And I spend my spare time getting pissed, going to festivals and riding around aimlessly on my motorbike.

It's strange seeing people grow up...
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:35, Reply)

Bindun I'm sure
When my son was born, he was so surprised he didnt talk for a year...

*sorry for that..
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:24, 1 reply)

Axeman Jim's post reminds me...
When I was but a wee child, I used to think cars were electric, and they had cables trailing out behind them.

The fact that I'd never seen one of these cables didn't faze me at all.

But then I was a little bit slow.

I also thought that you accelerated and braked using the gearstick.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:23, Reply)

Twins.
Twin babies.
3am.
Someone crying.
Endlessly.
Fucking hell.
Out of bed.
Stumble to kids' room.
Pick up baby.
Wrong fucking baby.
...
( collapsibletank procreates, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:06, 3 replies)

My childhood
I was born at a very early age. I was two.^*

After that, I was, for quite a while, a child. However, it was little more than a passing phase. I grew out of it.



*Yes, I know that's an old Hoffnung joke. But it's a good one, and any excuse to quote Hoffnung is to be embraced.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 12:01, 5 replies)

The only babies or children I like...
are of the feline variety. A kitten won't give you half as much gyp as a screaming human brat.

I'd rather look after this:

www.georgeszirtes.co.uk/dynamic/CuteKitten.JPG


than this:

tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:g1hbfHzvEcW0DM:http://www.nobeliefs.com/

Anyday
(Errorist, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:57, 3 replies)

Toilet Training.
I was at one point left to look after a small child of the male variety.

He was indeed cute and cool and all the other things that newborns spectacularly fail to be... right up until the point he went to the loo.

He'd been gone a few minutes, and I absent mindedly OK'd this thinking "Yeah, I like to read a book too"... A few minutes later my subconscious made itself heard and chastised the more vocal part of my brain.

His mum had clearly stated that it was Ok because "He's toilet trained" but It was quiet... too quiet.

I went to the bathroom door and enquired "Is everything OK Sam?" to which I got the reply "Yes, come and look"

Fearing a toddler's "rate my poo" show-and-tell I slowly pushed the door open. Little Sam stood there with his bags down and shirt Hitched up, proudly displaying his arse. "Look, I can wipe myself!!"

"Well done Sam.. and Now it's time for a shower... C'mon.. clothes off!"

Sam infact had - with 5 minutes of careful work - had successfully re-distributed a good deal of turd *all* the way up his back with carefully executed wiping motions.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:57, Reply)

The first time I felt old
I was in Sweden visiting my (now ex) girlfriend over easter. Her family were round and we were all looking forward to some pickled herring with extra pickles for sunday dinner.
In an effort to ingratiate myself with her family (and eventually her pants) I decided to spend a bit of time with her 2 young cousins.
Tom and Jonas were about the 7 year old mark and couldn't speak very good english (although, even at their age they woefully rang rings around me in the 'learning a foreign language' stakes). I saw they had recently got guitar hero and being only 21 at the time I thought I'd take it easy on them.
What was to follow was a humiliation on a grand scale. It was as if they were the spawn of Jimi Hendrix and Axle Rose. I, however, bore a resemblance to a leper with Parkinson's.
They laughed at me and said things in a foreign language that I didn't understand. I felt sad.
Apparently I had also agreed to a bet, where if I lost I would have to eat a whole packet of salted liquorish. To them a tasty treat but like eating salty rubber to any non-scandinavians.
Being outstripped by some ankle biters made me realise my failing and I felt like my dad must have when I first kicked his ass on Super Mario all those years ago.

Click I like this if you think that all children are planning the downfall of their adult suppressors.

Length? 2cm, black and salty.
(kintore_homeboy tenuous links since 1986!, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:47, 4 replies)

operation bog wipe flush
Love kids, was one and more often than not I act like one. However when I was around 13 there was an strange occasion when I had to baby sit a 5 year old during the day. All was going well when my tv watching was disturbed by singing coming from the loo. The tune went something along the lines of

“I’ve done a poo, and I’ve finished,
I’ve done a poo, and I’ve finished,
So please come and ……….”

This singing continued until I decided to go and investigate. The door to the loo was wide open and the girl in question to my horror presents her bum to be wiped. This is when I discovered the true meaning to the lyrics of the song “…so please come and wipe my bum”.
Now I was way out of my league here. Firstly I had only agreed to look after her for a hour or so in the day. Secondly I hardly new her, to me she was a random child of my mums friend. Thirdly I had had very little experience in wiping other people’s bums (and still do, thank god).
Despite her charming song and character, I stuck to my guns and talked her through the operation from a safe distance. Hiding behind the door, and thinking surely this isn’t normal.
(kurious orange, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:25, 2 replies)

How I Prevented a Woman from Breeding
Or, How I Stopped a Bitter Old Woman Inflicting Her Brood Upon the World.

Every kid goes through a period of wanting to be something fairly impossible. I was no exception. In fairly quick succession, I wanted to be: an assassin, a brain surgeon, a marine biologist, Indiana Jones, a housewife, a boy, Chewbacca, Miss Moneypenny, Baron Munchausen, the man in the moon, a vampire, a bat, a vampire bat (which resulted in me embarassing my parents by hanging upside-down from the handrails in the subway - when we were living in the USA - and screeching at people), and a dog.

A small, yappy type dog. I used to scamper up and down the stairs on all fours, whine when I was hungry, curl up in a little ball to sleep, hold up my "paw" to shake hands, and bark at people.

One day, my mother was walking me to school; she was thinking about her next lecture, I was sniffing lamposts and growling at squirrels. We rounded the corner, and bumped into a lecturer that knew both of my parents, so they stopped to make polite small talk, and gossip about university life. This conversation bored me, so after trotting around her a few times sniffing her coat (and her nervously trying to keep talking to my mother without appearing too distracted), I stopped, barked at her, and cocked my leg against her.*

The conversation finished swiftly, my mother, holding back laughter, dragged me off to school, whilst the other woman walked off hurriedly in the other direction, shooting confused and disgusted looks back at me.

I wasn't told until much later that she had recently got married, and was in two minds about whether or not to have any children. After meeting me, she firmly decided that a childless life was infinitely preferable to the shame of dragging around a species-confused child.

She was a silly old harridan though, so I like to think that I stopped her inflicting her genes on the world.

*I did NOT pee on her. I just pretended to.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:24, 4 replies)

ahem
although I posted earlier about parents affinity for oversized SUV's. I too helped ruin the planet as a child.

My dad took the family car to work, so my mum took me into town on the bus. After running up and down playing with the bell and shouting I was told to sit down.

Then something got my attention


"mum, mum mum mumummumum!" said I tugging at her skirt

"what is it?" replied she, slightly exasperated

*points at other passenger* "WHY IS THAT WOMAN SO FAT? IS SHE GOING TO HAVE A BABY OR IS SHE JUST A FATTY?"

We got off at the next stop and shortly afterwards became a two car family.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:22, Reply)

No respect.
Me and the then-GF had spent the night at Riff-Raff at the West Indian Center in Leeds and were on the 7.30 train back home the next morning. We were coming down on E's and feeling rather content, watching the world go by and having a cuddle (well, actually, planning what to do to each other once we got home).

Then four little gobshites got on the train and sat directly opposite us.

And started playing their cunting MP3's. Blasting them out from the loudspeaker of some shitty mobile phone.

We gave it 5 minutes, and then the GF decided she'd had enough.

"Will you please turn that down? It's too early in the bloody morning."

Little Gobshite #1: "Did you just swear?"
Laura: "No, I said 'Bloody'."
Little Gobshite #2: "She did! She said 'Fucking!'"
Little Gobshite #1: "She fucking swore!"
Laura: "OH, FUCK OFF!"

And they did.

It was possibly the most bizzare experience of my life.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:22, Reply)

I was out
Having a coffee in an establishment with a couple of gentlemen friends a while back, and as it was a lunchtime there was a number of women, equipped with squirming brats there too.

One of the dirty peoplelings kept staring at me, through a round hole in the back of the chair that it was crawling about on.

I stared back, mentally willing it to stick its head through the hole.

It did, with some difficulty, and then realised that it couldn't get out of the chair-based spawn-trap.

I spent the rest of my coffee-drinking time laughing my arse off, as people ran about, panicing and screaming.
( Cawl, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:12, 8 replies)

does anyone remember this?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Spooks_of_Bottle_Bay

It wont be repeated, or released on DVD as one of the main plot lines is a puppet obsessed by garry glitter.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:10, 3 replies)

My own mother just reminded me of this...
When I was about three or four in the late seventies, my older sister Paula brought home her new best friend "Marcella".

Marcella was from Jamaica, and had just moved to the country with her parents and struck up a great friendship with my sister that has lasted a life time.

Anyway, my little tiny toddler self on first seeing Marcella stood stunned in the doorway, and then gently tugging on my mothers skirt I pointed at Marcy, and proclaimed "LOOK MUMMY - MONKEY!!"

Thank christ that woman had a sense of humour.
(Kaplaaah Wasting time on the net since 1994., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:08, Reply)

I have a pretty cool workplace...
One of the ladies here is a bit of a crazy driver, she told me a story earlier about how her husband didn’t put the kiddy seat in properly and when she took a corner, her daughter is like, “mummy look” she turns around eventually and her kiddy seat has tipped over, restrained child and all.
(Sammyj, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 11:05, Reply)

Repost, sorry
A mate of mine asked me to look after he 6 year old daughter while she went shopping. The kid is a quiet, arty type so I didn't mind at all. Since it was a lovely day and I didn't fancy being indoors, I stopped on the way to my mate's house and bought a box of coloured chalks. I then went to my mate's, took the kid out into the cul-de-sac they live in, gave her the chalk and told her to go for her life. She spent a happy afternoon decorating each paving slab with pictures of flowers, smiley faces, the sun etc. I read a book and got a tan.One of my mate's harridan neighbours spots this artwork and goes completely fucking tonto at me, claiming it was mindless and wanton vandalism and that she would be calling the police. She ranted at me for a good 10 minutes, even calling me "young man" (I'm 30). I continued reading my book. Once she had finished ranting and headed back indoors, my mate's kid drew a great picture of a witch on her drive with an arrow pointing towards her front door. I bought her an icecream.
(ScousersPet, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 10:59, 2 replies)

And so... I vomitted three times before and during the clean up...
My son is just turned one... and I mean just turned because his birthday was yesterday.

And a lot of people blow smoke up your arse about how cute your kid is, and how clever and what not and I think a few months ago I was starting to believe that he might be truely gifted.

Until one morning I hear screaming from the living room as Im making him some brekkie...

I rush back in and the little angel is standing at the stair gate like a teeny prisoner, crying his little heart out to be rescued... and he's managed to get his nappy off on one side and is standing with it round one ankle...

And I cant understand what all the tears are about until I look closer.

He'd had a massive crap, (and I mean a MASSIVE morning crap), got his nappy off and smeared excrement all over the laminate...

...and then, I don't know - for some really "gifted" reason thought he'd see how it tasted.

He smiled at me through the tears and all I could see was slightly orange coloured shit caked on his two newly sprouted top teeth.

Personally I prefer porridge for breakfast.
(Kaplaaah Wasting time on the net since 1994., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 10:40, 2 replies)