Telling the boss you'll be late the night before
Tuesday was my birthday, but June in general has been a shit month due to father in law dying and mum being given 6-12 months for the exact same thing FIL died of.

So, Tuesday night, I gathered friends and went out on the piss - the boss came.
After he'd bought me a couple of margaritas and a couple of shots of tequila he left:

"Boss, I'll be in tomorrow on your time"
"What time's that, WBM?"
"Went I get there"

Turned up to work 1 1/2 hours late looking rather green. He sent me home for the rest of the day. I love my boss, me.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 8:12, Reply)

Praise be
I'm never late for work because I'm a hard working Christian. Jesus would never have been able to die for our sins if JC and Judas hadn't synchronised their watches to meet up in the Garden of Gethsemane at the same time. Fortunately, for us all, they did.

So.... PRAISE BE TO THE CHIMPANZEE.
(Dellamorte Dellamore Fuck it all, fuck it up, fuck it., Sat 30 Jun 2007, 6:54, Reply)

I was once late for work because the forecaster I was on with had nicked a police landrover.
True story. It's going to be a long one, but bear with me.
This guy, Frank, was a lovely bloke, but a complete and utter fuck-up. Broke everything he touched. The deal is this: To get into work we are provided with two vehicles, one stays at the office in case of an emergency with the guys on shift, the other is parked at the forecasters' accomodation block, because it's further for them to travel to the mess than it is for the observers, so the forecaster drives to the mess, has his food and picks up the observer from outside the mess before driving into work.
So, it's a Sunday morning which means that there's just the two of us coming into work, no boss, no admin. I'm a lazy fucker, so I'd rather have an extra ten minutes in bed than go for breakfast. I get to the mess at just gone ten past seven. We're supposed to leave at quarter past. We'd taken delivery of two new landrovers earlier that week so I'd memorised the licence plates, because there's a LOT of landrovers at MPA. Sat in the Met parking space was a police wagon, red front panels, blue light on top, the works. So I just figure that the filth have nicked our slot, and I trundle around the mess carpark looking for one of our new rovers. I didn't find one. By now it's gone quarter past and there's no sign of Frankie-boy. I figure he's just having a bit of a lie-in and is skipping breakfast, no big deal but he is pushing it a little. Twenty past comes and goes, no sign of him. At twenty five past I phone in and say "Sorry guys, looks like Frank may have slept in. Can you ring Tom (Our Admin Bloke)'s room and get him to wake him up" (Because the forecaster's don't have phones in their rooms). So my colleague stays on the line while the guy he's on with rings Tom. Tom hammers on Franks door, no result. So I figure Frank's got up late and is now on his way round. I head outside to wait. As I'm coming out of the mess doors I see Frank coming out of his mess.
Me: "Frank! Where the fuck have you been? We're late!"
Frank: "Yeah, sorry about that, I got chatting and didn't realise what the time was."
Me: "Ok, let's just get going. Where's the wagon?"
Frank: "Here."
We're at our parking slot by now. The one with the police rover in.
Me: "Frank, that's not our rover."
Frank: "Yes it is it's one of the new ones"
Me: "Frank, it's a police rover. And it's not new."
Frank: "Well it was parked outside the swamp and the keys were in it, so I thought it must be ours."
Me: "Frank, why the shuddering FUCK would MT give us a rover with a blue light on top?"
Frank: "Ah."
Me: "Let's get it back to the swamp, get ours and hope the pigs don't realise it's gone yet."
We made it into work about an hour late.
Length? I think it would have been a fine rather than a jail sentence.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sat 30 Jun 2007, 6:01, Reply)

I was abducted by aliens
I arrived an hour and a half late, went right to the boss and said "Sorry I'm late, I was abducted by aliens." He weakly replied "I know".

I was a poker dealer, coming to the casino for the 2:30 shift change. A big rig jackknifed and rolled on the freeway, right before the offramp for work. The road was completely blocked for nearly two hours. I was one of 17 dealers who missed shift change. When I finally got to the dealer coordinator and made the joke above, he was neither amused nor disgusted, just wearily resigned.
(Barticus, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 5:26, Reply)

sadly, not mine.

"I have an excuse, but it involves the honour of a good woman. If you cannot accept the word of a gentleman, Sir, then so be it."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 3:08, Reply)

I'm chronically late
for everything, so I've come up with a number of good reliable excuses. Of course, the power outage and bus breakdowns work, but it can only happen so often before people become suspicious. When I need a good made up excuse now, I rely on my pets. "My cat got into the pointsettia my aunt gave me" works great in December (they're toxic to cats), for people who know fish, "my tank crashed and I had to do an emergency water change" is reliable (especially for my boyfriend, who works at a petshop), and the good old reliable "I was feeding my parakeet and he got out of his cage! I had the chase the little bastard around for 20 minutes til I finally caught him." I've never gotten in trouble with any of those. The key is to look slightly more frustrated than apologetic, as if it's as annoying for you as it is for them.

My favorite, though, was completely true. I often have long gaps between classes, and one day, I left my first class, which ended at 11:50, and went to the student lounge to wait for my next class, at 3:30. Around 1:30, it finally occurs to me, my class ends at 3:30... it started at 12:30. Mind you, this was well into the quarter, too. So, I slunk into class, just in time for the break in the middle. I told my professor the truth, and although she gave me a strange look, it was just too strange and dumb to make up, so I got off :)
(RDT <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 3:00, Reply)

"I have a very comfortable bed"
.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 2:29, Reply)

not one of mine but ...........
When i was at college i heard this wee cracker,a student turned up for a lecture 3 hours late

His excuse ???- a submarine crash

Said aquatic mode of transport was being transported on a low loader when it came loose from its moorings and settled upon the queens highway thus blocking the road.

Length ? - irrelevant !!
(shug, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 0:07, Reply)

Not me, but...
... one of my pupils, late for my lesson.
Did the expected glare, 'Why are you late?' (as if I was actually missing him being there or something) and, for good measure, 'And where's your tie?' (like I gave a shit whether he had a tie or not). Anyway, his answer is worth sharing.

"I was on my way to school, and I was on time and wearing my tie. As I was walking past the building site, all the builders sudden went mental and started throwing bricks at this old lady who was nearby. So I had to protect her by fighting all the mad builders, and that's what made me late. Also, the old lady's leg was broken by one of the bricks, so I used my tie to make her a splint."

I gave him a merit mark for originality.
(Turangalila, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 0:05, Reply)

The force is strong with this one
Not me, but a mate's little brother was a weird kid at school..guess he took it from the family; wore a cape sometimes, did odd stuff..

Anyways, one day he walks into class late and the teacher berates him.
"Why are you late?"
The kid, in his cape, thinks for a second, then wave his hand across his face.
"I'm not late."

*Blank stare*.....Laughter. She let him join class without any slip because of his Sir Alec Guiness impression of the Jedi mind trick.

Did I mention he was 15 at the time?
(denki, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 23:44, Reply)

I have a bicycle
Whose brakes don't function, whose gears work via some sort of divine intervention and whose chain is held together by rust and more rust. So when I was late to a french class the the obvious excuse is 'Mon velo est merde'. Luckily the teacher is a very liberal, indie styled and all round awesome dude, so he just laughed.
(Daktar can't fit his desired text in here., Fri 29 Jun 2007, 22:25, Reply)

Why i'm always late...
Because I'm a lazy bastard.
(jnewco81, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 22:11, Reply)

Not mine
But I wonder how this person came out in the end.
(tellum0 is spelled with an 'o', Fri 29 Jun 2007, 22:01, Reply)

So there was this box of ninjas right...
When I was about 16 I used to go rowing with this absolute joke of a club, it was a good laugh, we mostly took the piss out of the other super competitive clubs in the area (because they didn't have a bar like we did) and had tea and biscuits after ten minutes on the water.
The best part was making up excuses for being late for fitness training (2.5 mile run, WTF?).

This was what we said to our not-so-happy coach on a particularly perfect for training day (bright, cool breeze, not too hot, not too cold)

"So we were walking to training right? But there was this box of ninjas, see? So obviously we had to fight them!
And we would have been there sooner but then we were kidnapped by one of the other clubs because they heard our tea making was a front and we were actually the biggest competition.

We were then arrested by the FBI because we had to disguise ourselves as Arabian nomads to escape from the rowing compound. When we were found innocent we were then approached to make a documentary about our experiences so we got caught up in a meeting with the studio executives.
And that's why we only made it for the warm down.
(WhitieMcPaleface, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 21:44, Reply)

No excuse needed
Here's how it goes:
Do undergrad degree;
Work for a few years;
Do Masters degree;
Some more work;
Do PhD;
Do post-doc;
Then get a job as a lecturer and no one will ever give a shit if you show up or not. Your colleagues, if they're actually in the building, won't care. Students won't even notice. Only my Protestant work ethic and Catholic guilt actually guarantees productivity of any sort.

If anyone ever does question your attendance - and it's unlikely - just mention that you were seeing your psychiatrist and you won't get any sort of trouble at all, especially if it happens to be true.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 21:18, Reply)

...
Stroll into the newsagents late one day, not particularly in the mood for being shouted at by the balding shopkeep.

"Why the fuck are you so late, you useless bastard!"

"FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING BALDY SCOUSE FUCKING CUNT!"

And that is my best excuse to date.

Edit: And before you lot get any ideas, i was relieved of my duty that day.


click 'i like this' to see a pic of the shop keeper.
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 21:12, Reply)

I'm pregnant.
ahem.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 20:34, Reply)

best excuse ever. for anything.
works best for days off, but can be used for lateness as well. Told to me by mate fat kev, who isn't that fat any more.

"i was/am bleeding out of my arse".

guaranteed to get you away from, off or indeed shunned at, work.

cracking stuff
(harestylenumber1 loves weiner, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 20:24, Reply)

The subway was delayed because the draw bridge was up
When I was working in downtown New York, a fellow I was supervising was late to work because the subway was stopped while the draw bridge was up. I researched it, and his story was completely true. The last elevated train in New York was torn down in 1952, but there are subways that run above ground. The subway from Bronx to Manhattan runs over a draw bridge. They rarely raise it, but that day they had a barge full of old subway cars that were headed out of town.
(Barticus, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 19:39, Reply)

i am starting to wonder
how many subsequent QOTWs after this one will contain at least one entry saying "Sorry I was late posting..."
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 19:33, Reply)

I once turned up late at a place I had just started at
my excuse was 'Sorry, I forgot I had a job'.
Went down quite well actually.
A mate at the same place had the best I've ever heard though...
'Sorry I'm late, there was a submarine in the way.'
Even better, it was true :)
( chunderbunny lacking humus since, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 19:27, Reply)

Favourite excuses for being late
1) Headwind.
2) The dog ate my car keys and we had to hitch hike to the vets.
(halfcut, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 19:23, Reply)

my favorite is
If I told you the Mi5 wold have to kill you and I don't want to be responsible for that
(McShaggswell, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 19:02, Reply)

Because of some old woman visiting the US for the first time in many years...
In my current job I was contracted out to a company in another city about an hour from here, as was another engineer from this company, so we rode together in my car (a VW Jetta diesel that gets 50 mpg).

One morning we were taking our usual route, when traffic stopped. Completely fucking stopped. The interstate was a parking lot.

When traffic began to move again, we were all being shunted off of the interstate to drive through the city and pick up another interstate to continue our journey. It added an hour and a half to our trip, to our vast annoyance- but we finally realized that we had been shunted past the Richmond airport.

So when we got there and they asked why we were late I said, "Because Queen Elizabeth is visiting."

I shit thee not, your bloody queen made me an hour and a half late for work.

(Actually, at the time she was already in WIlliamsburg, where we were headed. I think that Dubya flew into Richmond to be with her, and that's why the roads were closed. But either way, it was Liz's fault.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 29 Jun 2007, 18:49, Reply)

Just remembered this
Ended up on a massive bender one Thirsty Thursday, drinking till 9am and all that jazz.
Too bladdered to call in sick or make any sort of lame excuse, I simply turned off my phone and went to bed.

On Monday morning was called into the boss and given a bit of an eating, to which I calmly replied 'I'd booked the day off months ago'

'But there is no record of it in the online time sheet Parker Larkin!' proclaims the boss triumphantly (the cnut)

Dammit, says I, I keep forgetting to save those when I enter new data.

They weren't happy, but what could they do?SWEET FUCK ALL THAT'S WHAT!
HOORAY FOR ME!
(parker larkin is an experiment, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 18:29, Reply)

Got run over by The Queen (nearly)
Having manouvered my bike through several lanes of traffic I've now reached the centre of the Mall and am feeling super nimble. As I near the pedestrian crossing, two police on motorcycles roar past my left with lights going. They zoom around the Victoria Monument in front of Buck Palace and stop directly ahead of me.

Now being at the centre of the Mall, I need to use this crossing. I hop off and wait, as do the cops.

After a while I get bored of waiting. The traffic's all stopped on the other side of the monument, but no vehicles can be seen exiting the palace. I put my foot to the pedal, intending to make my move.

DON'T YOU F*CKING MOVE. LOOK! yells the nearest cop, pointing directly at me. At least I think he is pointing at me.

He is actually pointing at the very shiny, very expensive looking car being driven at speed on THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD. Sitting bolt upright in the back is a monarch, her expression registering some concern.

I mean, what the hell was she thinking?
(StateOfGlee, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 18:13, Reply)

Midday Snack Incident.
"Why are you late?"

"I was buying skittles."

"They have skittles at the canteen!"

"Not sour ones."


And that's how I spent a period of time known as "The Skittle Guy." Sour Skittles fucking rule.
(FurtiveBiscuit, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 17:49, Reply)

..because i was early last week.
( polar ice is done for 4 months, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 17:42, Reply)

You wouldn’t believe me.

Not in a million years.
(abignumber, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 17:26, Reply)

Not so much running late but
i needed the morning off work so i rung up at work and it went like this....

Me: Can't come into work this morning as someone has died.....

Work: Oh i'm sorry, who is it?

Me: I don't know but they are on my kitchen floor......

The only excuse that can be used only once!
(djgalaxe, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 16:56, Reply)