Sometimes the audience is to blame. I did a stand up gig and launched into my "What's the deal with airline food?" routine, but all I got was stony faced silence
Honestly, it's the last time I do one of those Families of the Victims of 911 benefits
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 6:15, 3 replies)

Daughter killed this one off quick
The missus and my daughter are sitting there watching of all shite "Long Island Medium"; it's where this fraud, soz, psychic meets people with a camera crew and is able to pretend to speak to their dead relatives and quite frankly made me angry by the way she was prying on the vulnerable (one woman was crying her eyes out as she was being told about her dad who died at Sept 11th). My 6 year old daughter asks what's she doing and get's into a quick conversation;
"Well she's a medium," answers mum, who for some unknown reason is buying into this bullshit. "She can speak to the spirits of the dead."
Immediately my daughter asks "Is it because she's an alien?"
SARCASM HAS REACHED LEVEL 2
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 0:03, 2 replies)

I've read that Keith Moon told Jimmy Page that Page's new group would go down like a lead balloon
and jokingly suggested that he called it 'Lead Zeppelin'.

Page liked the name but shortened it to 'Led' Zeppelin in case Americans pronounced 'Lead' to rhyme with 'bead'.

Dunno if this is true but it made me laugh.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 22:59, 5 replies)

Ah this takes me back to my school days
Coming in one morning and seeing a table full of glum faces Its best not to say "Cheer up you miserable looking fucks, anyone would think that someone's just died."

Yeah. About that.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 20:14, 1 reply)

Lead baloon
My brother, at a much lovrd aunts' wedding. I was stood in a small circle with my sister, mother and two other aunts, silently weeping as the coffin arrived at the church. My brother walked over, saw the collected females, grinned and proclaimed, "Hey you can all drop your handbags on the floor and dance around it!". Words still fail me....
(DustyD, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 20:11, 10 replies)

I went to a musician friend's party once
and got rather hammered on the special punch that was being served (it consisted of a bottle of vodka, one of rum, one of red wine, plus cloves and orange slices, plus anything else that was added as the host got more drunk). Inspired by recent events, I ended up telling the joke, "What weighs five pounds and won't get plucked this Christmas? John Denver's guitar!"

To a roomful of acoustic guitarists/folk musicians.

Tumbleweed.

I did not add to the merriment of the evening.

I think I got forgiven, but it took me a while to remove the foot from my mouth.
(wolfpussy will nibble your fingers on, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 18:52, 10 replies)

Montgolfier brothers? Montplombier brothers more like!
Eh? Right? Eh? Is this thing on? Hello?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 18:50, 2 replies)

I made a joke on Twitter.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 15:30, 2 replies)

Miranda Hart
wouldn't know funny if it bit her fucking goon-looking face right off.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 15:12, 10 replies)

haha there were some Germans and I said Heil Hitler haha and they were upset.
True story
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:05, 30 replies)

Student SOH Failure
In one of my incarnations I was a student at one of your seats of higher education. I won’t pretend it was anywhere good, it was a red-brick Polytechnic in the West Midlands, near the very bottom of the league table. This was the late 1980s and everything was right on and politically correct – there was a Nelson Mandela bar, LGBT Societies, marches against anti-abortionists, etc, etc. There lies the foundation of my fall from grace.

I had quite a wide circle of friends, up until the incident I am about to relate. (And, sorry, fans, it won’t be a long one this time. I’ll try though – you never know, I might swerve into a lengthy digression about Ice Warriors or the political intrigues of Tara, or the best winter gear to wear on Ribos, or something. And hey! That was a little digression in itself there, to tell you that I might be digressing! Truly, I am disappearing up my own arse).

Back to the story. One evening, I was down the Student Union with my circle of friends drinking McEwan’s lager (not export, the pissy normal kind) for 70p a pint. I know – rather expensive. One of us had the idea of submitting stories to Viz and/or Poot, and so we were discussing potential comic strips. I was getting frustrated as all their ideas were hopelessly lame. Flosbert the Bird, anyone? USP – he flies around and shits on people. The Fridge Thing – a fridge that turns into a monster and eats people. Adolf the Gerbil – well, you can probably guess. Fucking shite. Admittedly, one of us did have an idea for a strip about the wacky adventures of middle-class students that was more or less Student Grant, but we dismissed it as too niche, and were gobsmacked when Student Grant actually appeared in 1992 (perhaps someone from Viz was in the Union and had overheard us?). None of these ideas were funny or fucked up enough.

So I dropped this into the mix: ‘Hey, what about a strip about someone suffering from AIDS? It could be called “Adrian Ayds – He’s Got Aids”, and the strapline could be “It’s Fun To Be HIV.” ’

A silence as total as death slammed down. The grin froze on my face.

Hepzibah, a blue-haired gothette Humanities student, burst into tears and buried her face in her hands. Her friend Sarah shouted, ‘Her brother’s got AIDS, you insensitive bastard!’

Max, a blond-haired flamboyant homosexual fond of bright yellow shirts and red dungarees, simply rose gracefully from his seat, walked over to me, and spat in my face. He then walked out and never spoke to me again.

I turned my dripping face towards my best mates Brian and Mike, but they avoided my gaze and then got up to leave.

Soon I was completely alone with a face full of gay spittle and half a pint of pissy lager. I felt cold and hollow, as if my insides had been scooped out, and I knew then that nothing would ever be the same again.

I was ostracised for three months. No-one spoke to me unless absolutely necessary. I was barred from the Union and had to drink in The Smiling Man with the troglodytic locals. Fellow students spat at me. I had death threats slid under the door of my room in College Hall, and my room was regularly broken into and trashed, my kettle pissed in, turds left steaming on my pillow, etc.

When Hepzibah’s brother died she came at me with a pair of scissors. Never saw her again after that, she dropped out, and I heard that she’d become a drug addict and prostitute and contracted HIV herself. Circle of life. Or, rather, death.

I was only, and with great hesitation, let back in after I had published a full and frank apology in the student mag and read this apology out on stage in the Union in front of all my fellow students.

Miserable, humourless cunts the lot of them!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:01, 9 replies)

I don’t know what else to try.
My efforts on a website forum always fail. No matter how hard I try. I’ve tried everything and I’m still deeply unpopular. I’m coming to the conclusion that I’m desperately unfunny and really quite tragic.

I’ve tried:

• Boasting about my wonderful home (have I mentioned my 44,000 litre freshwater pool?)
• Garnering sympathy by telling strangers about my wife’s tit rot.
• Attempted to get ‘lols’ by constantly lying. I’ve even bullshitted about the abuse of a mentally ill woman in a care home and my (Phd qualified) mother killing someone.
• Telling people I’ve been an alcoholic, but I’m now able to have a few ‘tinnies’ when inviting my non-existent friends over to my wonderful home for a barbeque. (Have I mentioned my home? It’s a got a freshwater pool you know).

What will it take for an online community to give me the love & attention I crave?
(_Battered_, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 10:03, 22 replies)

Gerontophilia, it's a buzz killa.
Back in my 20's.
I was at a family barby with my mate Ted. We were down at the river fore-shore on a balmy, summer evening. Ted and I had duly smoked ourselves to the point of being "pole-axed" on the drive over and had a nice big, phat scooby in Ted's pocket for after our meal. We were happily chugging down most of the beers in Teds' Dad's esky and enjoying the smell of our saussies getting crispy as we perched on a bank above the picnic area and surveyed the scene.
Occasionally a pretty young girl would jog by with her dog to appease our puffy, blood-shot eyes as we giggled & talked about our week, what we'd been up to and what we thought of the passing eye candy.

Then I spotted her - an older lady, maybe mid-to-late 50's with a lined but still pretty face and nice sculpted bob of natural red hair. She had a wiryness that people of that age get from exercising regularly and eating right. On top of that frame tho she had the boobs and bum of a lady that had not only raised a few kids but had some fun making them. She'd packed these attributes and body into a pair of tight jeans and flimsy blouse that did all they could to accentuate their contents.
She'd got out of her car with another lady and stopped to talk to someone else in the carpark opposite Ted's and my perch.

"Psst, Ted" says I, "Check out that GILF over there."
"Whaaa..?" says Ted stonedily. Eventually he came too, followed my surreptitious pointing at the lovely lady and giggled. "What's a GILF?" he asks sniggering.
"Well," I say "you know how a 'MILF' is a Mum I'd Like to Fuck?". (Ted's mum is a lovely lady I've known since primary school and she isn't one) He nods lazily. "Looking at this lady I'd say she's probably old enough to have grown up kids, right?" Another nod. "So she's probably likely to have grandchildren." I pause and Ted grins at me like monkey that's just discovered that it's flexible enough to self-fellate.
"Hence, Ted - a GILF is a Grandmother that I'd Like to Fuck." I finish my theorising with a flourish and Ted starts to laugh like hyena on nitrous. A little too vigorously for my liking but then again we're both as pissed and baked as a couple of over done calzone.

The vision of older lustfulness wanders over in the barby's direction. She begins to say hello to people from our combined friends and family eventually strolling over to Ted's dad and giving him a big hug and a smooch. I begin by feeling pleased that I'm getting a nice view whilst I have a good feed but slowly a sense of worry creeps in. Eventually she heads over to us to say hello.
"Hello Ted, who's your spunky friend?" she asks as I begin to blush.
"Hi nan. This is Ringo." Ted appears to be shaking. "Umm, hi Ted's Gran." I manage to mumble.
"Oh, call me Nancy." she says, "Anytime." with a wink. By the time she strolls off Ted is quite literally blowing streams of snot out of his nose trying not to laugh.
Not so much lead balloon as a fart in a spacesuit.

Nancy became a "GIF'ed". Not that I'd want Ted to know.
But since they're both dead now that shouldn't be too much of a problem.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 6:40, 45 replies)

Fake and gay.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 0:48, 2 replies)

Poster #1
Yeah.
Going to see Alpha Papa later so it'll have to be a quickie.

And then a pint.

Poster #2
From Wiki
"Partridge is characterised as an insecure, superficial and narcissistic 'wally', concerned largely with status, the level of his public profile and, to a lesser extent, the ostentatious possessions this allows him to acquire... Partridge is a socially incompetent and awkward character prone to one-upmanship, embarrassing social faux pas and displays of deep insensitivity to social norms. His thoughtlessness and selfish lack of interest in anything beyond his own objectives exposes an unsympathetic character that is disliked and privately lampooned by many of those with whom he comes into contact... Partridge is otherwise depicted as being unable to forge genuine friendships or connections with other people (who are, seemingly without exception, repelled by his unpleasant and self-absorbed personality)."

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just stay at home and read back through your posts?
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 23:18, 12 replies)

I have worked for several German companies in the last 20 years
I have found that the guys I worked with have been hard-drinking fun people to be with - mostly younger than me with a healthy disregard for our respective countries' historical spats.
One guy was a fan of English sportscars - god alone knows why - and he'd bought a a Spitfire which he'd lovingly restored to pristine condition. One day, I'd been invited to his gaff near Frankfurt for a serious pissup with his friends and their parents etc. We all traipsed to his garage where he kept his Jensen (a mint FF no lie), his three MGs and the aforementioned Spitfire (which he hadn't mentioned that he owned).
On seeing it, my cry of 'ACHTUNG, SPITFIRE' didn't go down well with the older members of the group, particularly with his Grandfather (who'd been shot down in the battle of Britain and spent the rest of the war in captivity) but the younger guys found it hilarious.
TL;DR Brit keeps bringing up the war, old Kraut doesn't find it funny.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 18:54, 13 replies)

Not me, fortunately.
I worked for a small firm (fifteen or so people) back in the 80s. As with most offices, we had a couple of outgoing types and a number of absolute social misfits.

One of the outgoing and overall really nice guys was Rob, who headed up one of the sections of the business and was tied for second in command with Mike, my supervisor, who was one of the misfits.

Jim, who worked in the field most of the time, was another affable guy, always ready with a joke. He and Rob got on very well, so one day he starts telling Rob the joke about the guy in the car crash who wakes up to find that he has a voice-operated bionic arm. The joke tells how the doctor demonstrates the arm to him and recommends that he practice with it, then leaves. The guy then goes to the bathroom for a piss, then has the urge for a wank. The punch line is the guy saying "Jerk it off", followed by a ripping sound and the guy doubled over. It's a very visual joke.

Jim hits the punch line and acts it out, then screams "Aaagh! Fuck me!" and mimes jamming something in his ass. "Goddammit! Cocksucker!" and mimes ramming something down his throat.

Too late, Jim remembers that Rob is a hardcore born-again Christian and sees the look of thunder on Rob's face. "Okayseeyoutomorrowbye" and he takes off so fast he leaves a vapor trail.

I hid behind a filing cabinet choking off the worst case of the giggles I've had...
( Wanderer, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 18:32, 11 replies)

Low score
A couple of years I was running a stand at the Big Bang Fair in London. No, children, it's not funny, settle down. The Big Bang Fair is a STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Maths) event for schoolchildren with a family day or two at the end. It's great fun to go to and you get to meet some delightful geeks in the making.

The organisers put on various shows and talks, and my stall was right next to an arena seating about 300 where, every day, a chap from the Football Association gave a talk about the Science of Football. It was a really interesting talk, well presented, with great demonstrations. However ...

The fifteen thousand children per day who attend a Science, Technology, Engineering and Maths fair are probably, by definition, the fifteen thousand children in the area who are least interested in football. The first time he did the talk, he got an audience of eight. The second time he got three. The last time, on family day, the seats were very well filled, mainly, as far as I could see, by escaping fathers.

Poor sod. I really felt for him, particularly because, as I wrote, it was a great show, but designed to interest footballing children in science rather than to interest mini geeks in football.
(ubergeekian, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 18:29, Reply)

Corporate takeovers, 1960s style
This happened long before I was born but my dad was in the room as a representative of the staff. A medium-sized precision engineering firm called Foxalls & Sons had been bought by Krupp, and Herr Krupp himself had come to its home counties offices to sign the contracts and meet his new employees

Small talk doesnt come easy to former nazi 'war production leaders' so he asked Mr.Foxall, the retiring MD, if he had ever been to Germany. Which Foxall had apparently been waiting for all day..

"Oh yes, 28 times, including to your splendid factories at Essen. But I never landed.."

Krupp looked puzzled

"... flying a Lancaster"

Exactly half the room laughed. None of them German.
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 18:01, 5 replies)

My dear friend...
...told a joke at a media event, attended by significant figures (I don't know who, but people it with whomsoever you fancy)
"How do you turn your girlfriend gay? Shit in her cunt."
Microphone feedback, not even so much of a titter, my friend leaves the stage in silence.
(Shining Love Pig, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 16:08, 8 replies)

So we were on a minibus tour in America with twelve other strangers, including two lads from Munich, and a couple from Paris.
I'm sure you can see where this is going.

The guide was good - he learnt everyon's name immediately, where they were from, and made a wee crack at their expense as he drove, and was perfectly happy to take a crack at his, too.

Mrs V and I were at the front of the bus, so subject to a significant amount of his commentary and questions.

As we drove, he explained about the area and stuff, and somehow managed to get on to talking about railways.

"Hey, Vagabond - how d'ya like your railways in England then? Are they any good?" He asked.

"Well" I said, hearing the mechanism start to whirr, and the bomb bay doors start to open, "they're ok - I think a lot of unnecessary fuss is made over them - but I wish we had a shiny new system like France since the Germans flattened theirs."

To a collective intake of breath, and the guide saying, "If you don't mind I'd rather keep politics out of my van if it's all the same to you. So - coming up here on your left you'll see ... "

Fuck's sake - 6000 miles, 70 years, a holiday trip of a lifetime for many of us, and I manage to go and mention the fucking War.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 15:17, 2 replies)

weve been here before?
www.b3ta.com/questions/wrongness/post795345
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 13:03, Reply)

My old boss was pretty laid back.
She was one of those who has a laugh and a joke and a round of FIFA 12 if the chance presents itself. She's even been known to rock out with her cockerel out on Guitar Hero.
Because she's so... well, normal... I once decided to tell her a joke.
"What did the Scottish epileptic get for Christmas?"
She didn't look up from her monitor. "My dad's epileptic."
Shit thinks I. I didn't see that coming
"Is he? I didn't know that."
"Yeah, it's quite serious. He's nearly died a couple of times. I found him once, he'd stopped breathing. Had to call an ambulance."
"Really? I'm sorry, that sounds horrible."
"Yeah, he's getting worse too. The meds don't seem to be as effective as they used to be."
I looked at the floor. I frowned. I looked up. I stopped frowning and raised my eyebrows. I frowned and looked at the floor again.
"My mum's dealing with it as best she can but she's convinced she'll come home one day and find him dead on the floor. We don't really talk about it."
I stopped looking at the floor and tried to arrange my face into an expression of absent-minded innocence.
...
...
...
"It was a Wii Fit, by the way."
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 12:46, 7 replies)

Jamming
I was with a dozen or so newly-made friends in Boston, Massachusetts a few years back at someone's house, having a few beers and pizzas as is the way there. The subject of donuts came up and eager to please and impress my new trans-Atlantic buddies came out with a sure-fire donut joke winner. (although why I was convinced they wouldn't have heard it before I'm not sure)

"Hey hey! Everyone listen to me!! Ahem."
"How does Bob Marley like his donuts?? .... Wi' jammin!!"

**** silence ****

Hmmmm unperturbed I carried on...

"And what do Bob Marley and his wife say to their guests when they're serving up donuts? ..... We hope you like jammin' too!!!"

Cue guffaws, groans and chuckles, but nowt. Silence and 24 or so wide blinking eyes staring at me.
Oh well, I thought - good effort son and looked down into my pizza and Sam Adams.

Then someone piped up from the back and said in a slow lazy drawl:

"Hmmm yeah - we actually call it jelly here."

I shut up after that.
(dogof2head, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 11:49, 8 replies)

I used to find it amusing
When people posted a response to the previous weeks QOTW in the latest QOTW.

But to be honest, I've kinda gone off it now...





No YOU fuck off.
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 10:41, Reply)

In slightly poor taste...

At a company-sponsored holiday-season party, families invited.

Child of a Jewish family is talking about how excited he is about the gifts he anticipates receiving.

Co-worker (with a reputation for being just a bit racist) decides to have some fun.

"You're Jewish, so you won't be getting any gifts."
"Yes I will, Jewish Santa visits our house."
"Santa can't be Jewish."
"Why not?"
"Because Santa comes DOWN the chimney."

Horrified looks all around, followed by the exit of a confused little boy.
(Roving Blowtorch, Sat 24 Aug 2013, 10:26, 1 reply)

Submissions to /board if they don't comply with rules,
some of which don't exist, such as it must be an image.
Nice poem on there atm by saintsandy. Getting flamed of course.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Sat 24 Aug 2013, 9:48, 32 replies)

Regularly on /board, especially when it's me posting.

( FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Fri 23 Aug 2013, 23:06, Reply)