Dear my colonoscopy,
Dear my colonoscopy,

Things you don't want to hear as you slip into sedation:

"Is this the clean camera?"

God bless the NHS,

TheSnark
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 9:33, 12 replies)

Dear Existentialism Society,
Why did I write this letter?

Yours,
AA
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 9:12, 5 replies)

Dear Dr Goldacre,
I both love and hate you. It was you who inspired me to spend the best part of a year distilling Why Newspapers Lie, Scientists Are Obtuse And People Are Really Fucking Ignorant into 10 000 words. All the research involved in this stiffened my resolve to become an academic (/rock star/journalist/novelist/Lady of Leisure, because I can dream) and teach people Not To Be So Ignorant; which in turn has meant I actually have to do actual uni work in hopes of getting good enough grades to do post-grad-type things so I can tell people they are ignorant in a sufficiently authoritative voice. Also, you will keep on blogging about things I can use in my dissertation even though, as it turns out, I actually have to reference other people who aren't you. You bastard.

However. Even though my dissertation-stress is quite clearly all your fault, and even though researching woo has meant I have to study the works of such intellectuals as Jenny McCarthy and the Society of Homeopaths, I do quite dig your work.

Message ends.
(Shinigami, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 9:01, 6 replies)

We need to talk about Kevin...
Dear Kevin Pietersen

Re: warm up game against Bangladesh.

Where did it all go wrong? You promised so much and have on so many occasions failed to live up to the hype, swagger and bluster. Was it when you married that bird from Liberty X? Maybe, Sampson-like, the seeds were sown when you cut your hair. I feel it may have something to do with the gallons of energy drink you seem insistent on throwing down your neck before going out to bat. It doesn't help, Kevin, really it doesn't.

I've forgiven you a lot, the cliche laden interviews, the god-awful "three lions" tattoo, the well meaning, but ultimately misplaced chest-beating patriotism that you have shown to your adopted country, but no more. Being an England cricket fan comes with a life long expectancy of disappointment and self loathing but I can't in all concience keep this in any longer.

Please find enclosed directions to the nearest glue factory. If you could report there at your earliest convience to be boiled down, I think it would be for the best. Apparently, reality TV is very lucrative these days, ask your wife.

All the best for your future career

Rak x
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 8:33, 4 replies)

This is what happens when a snorer decides to come and sleep in a dormitory


This letter *was* actually left for her. Bit harsh?
At least she'll never read the first draught, that just said;
"Please start breathing properly or just stop. We can't wait for you to decide for another night."

(This is from ten years ago. I find the writing style a bit annoying now. Your mileage may vary)
( Zuowan, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 7:31, 2 replies)

Dear every geek I've ever met at Uni (EDIT) Two geeks in particular
No, I do not play Warhammer, World of Warcraft, or any other pointless time-sink of a game you care to mention. No, I would not like to join you in a conversation about it anyway. I don't care what weapons have the highest damage potential, or what level your make-believe wizard is. And when I try and change the subject to something more interesting, don't immediately try and switch it back. I'm. Not. Fucking. Interested. Learn to tell when you're boring somene - it's a skill that'll come in useful later in life.

And just because I sometimes enjoy a game of Halo with my mates, it doesn't mean I'm interested in the entire backstory behind the game. I'm really not interested in discussing which weapon is best, and whether the Master Chief is a clone or not - I simply don't care.

No, I do not think Red Dwarf, Family Guy or Futurama are the greatest comedy series ever made. And just because my opinion differs from yours, it doesn't mean I'm wrong, and you have to spend the next 15 minutes trying to change my mind. People have different opinions - that's part of life. Accept it, and move on.

Talking about weapons, and how cool it would be to own a battleaxe, does not make you sound hard and manly, especially if you're a skinny pale weakling who looks like he would lose a fight with his own reflection. Likewise, discussing 'fighting' moves you've read about on the internet is just fucking sad.

If you like the look of a girl, staring at her from across the room like a potential sex attacker is not the way to pull. Go over and talk to her. The worse she can do is politely make it clear she's not interested. And don't discuss what you'd like to do to said girl if it's painfully obvious the only naked females you've ever encountered are either family members or digital. Basically, stop coming across as a hairy-handed virgin.

Lastly, if I tell you a funny anecdote, don't then take it as your own and start telling it to other people like it happened to you. And especially don't then tell it to me, two weeks later, in the same pub. I'm not a fucking goldfish - I will fucking remember that it's my story and pull you up on it, making you look like a cunt to the entire table.

With love,
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 4:10, 5 replies)

You bastards
I wanted my virginity on this board taken gently, with one of many tales of derring do upon the high seas and my small part in them.

This is my my metaphorical hymen being torn asunder.

I spent many happy years serving before the mast, I was good and well respected. I had (Have) a reputation as a bit of a pisshead but everyone who knew me would have trusted me with their lives.

I was 25 years in The RN Medical Branch and left as a Petty Officer, I was offered my Chief Petty Officers Rate but, though more money and a better pension I turned down because it would have been all admin and no patients and the reason I was respected was my diagnostic skills and my knowledge of anatomy and physiology.

I left the RN and joined to teach NCO's in the army how to teach their lads how to treat catastrophic battlefield injuries.

Here my story begins.

My boss was a halfwit called Nick and a non working example of the Peter Principle
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Principle

I say non working example because if I'd beceome a chief I would have recognised my level of incompetence and so would everybody else.

In the RN we tended to move these fuckwits to safe jobs where an eye could be kept. In the army they got rid of these prats by promoting them so they were someone elses problem (the Peter Principle refers to this as the lateral arabesque).

Nick, you're a halfwitted waste of oxygen who proves that rule. When a leader, being a section boss or even a managing director you are still human and still fallible.

What will always give you respect and undying loyalty is when you fuck up you stand up and say "I've fucked up".

When you're a useless lump of adipose tissue, people will see you just as that.

So Nick (used to work in the MoD in Gosport),
The only reason you managed to reach the dizzy heights of Staff Sergeant in the RAMC wasn't because you were good it was because you were and are an incompetent wanker who is detested by every good and honest squaddie who ever had to come into contact with your slimy self importance.

You lost me my job. That was the most important job I've ever done. I was saving lives and even now when a see a squaddie injured in Afghanistan I like to think that if he survives it may have been my knowledge and my teaching which contributed to his or her survival.

I lost that job because you, in your personal little fiefdom, fucked up. Rather than admit you fucked up you covered up and lied.

If you'd been a leader you'd have had the confidence to say "Sorry, I fucked up". Trust me no one would have thought any less of you. Your reputation precedes you and no one could ever think any less of you.

So I lost my job and, indirectly my house. Just because you couldn't hold your hands up.

To this day I wonder how 20 stones of fat can be ambulatory without the benefit of a spine (I know you're ex RAMC but to remind you,that's the long bony thing which stretches from the head down to where you talk from).

I fucking hope you die screaming and very, very slowly. Burning would be good, there's enough useless flesh surrounding that useless frame to slowly cook for days.

To finish this vitrolic missive I have to say I've been to war five times, the first in the South Atlantic in '82 last in the first Gulf War.I would embrace any of those I was fighting.

You are just a cunt and wouldn't piss on you if...Fuck it I would piss on you, and shit on you and pour petrol on you if you were set alight by an enemy. Not that there would be much chance of that, you could never be trusted anywhere where you may be required to provide any medical knowledge or, god forbid, leadership skills.

My family and friends are genuinely shocked about my hatred for you.

I've been beaten up on rare occasions. When that's happened I invariably deserved it and admitted as much have had a beer with whoever did it.

When shit happens I honestly just try to pick myself up and crack on.
I've managed that for fifty years. except when I had the misfortune to stumble into your little world.

That is why I hate you, my motto has always been 'Shit Happens'.
I met you, you're a shit and you've brought out of me a loathing that for 45 years I never thought myself capable of and a hatred I always thought myself above.

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. YOU CUNT

I hope he does read this.

Sorry for the unadulterated venom which has just dripped from your screen. I'm a nice bloke, I really am.

Peebs
(Pugwash, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 4:05, 4 replies)

Dear Bus Driving Twat
/unlurk
I really didn't find it amusing when you smiled and shrugged a "No" when I asked "Did you even see that cyclist?" this morning, after you over took then pulled over in front of said cyclist causing him to do stopping and skittering to avoid being mashed.
I wish I'd taken your driver number and/or called you an arsing twat faced cunt for apparently not giving a shit that you could have easily squashed the squishy cyclist to deaths.
Yours, sometimes cyclist who hates twats who drive big machines

/relurk
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 3:13, 17 replies)

Dear 17 year old who doesn't know to masturbate
Fuck off. We know you're lying.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 1:06, 1 reply)

Emma
Dear Emma,

It's been nearly three months since I paid the last of the bills from that episode where you nearly got us evicted from our flat, you owe me €200 - answer your phone and your emails and pay me back.

Thanks for fucking up the last few months I had with my gf before she moved away. Thanks for leaving food to rot in the cupboards - the moths we found merrily making it their home were great company. Thanks for making me doubt the kindness possible in people, I guess some people are just selfish cunts.

Thanks for leaving me to sort out all the flat stuff, having to go to court and work out what the hell was going on in a language I can't speak too well.

I try to be a nice person, but you just make me want to lash out and pass on some of the hurt. It's not going to happen though, I'm better than that.


I know it's only €200, and I've pretty much written it off already but for some reason this really bothers me, so just pay up and then fuck off you selfish slag.

Thank fuck you've moved out and I've no longer to deal with your specific breed of mental or hear your high-pitched sex-noises. Life is so much less complicated without you fucking things up.

/rant
(Shippy likes linebreaks and doesn't care what you think, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:42, Reply)

An introduction to be made
Dear B3taettes,I have been lurking here for a few months and have delighted in the foibles,idiosyncracies and sufferings of you and your fellow Betans.I have now taken the chance to make myself at home and come out of the bushes to expose myself as it were.This is me.

I have 30 Earth years although I can still pass for 18 with the gift of eternal youth.I am fit in both mind and body-indeed I am 'special' for I have Asperger's and we are all cool little freaks.I might come and sit on your lap uninvited as we don't do personal space,but being able to memorize the whole book of singles charts means I am highly welcome at the pub quiz,where our team has now got 13 unopened bottles of wine in prizes to consume.

I have an ecletic musical range as long as it is not rnb or boybands. Be different-the Beautiful South,the Smiths,Amy Diamond,Hot Chocolate,even kitsch dancing German teddy bears are all good

I am a thespian.I prance the boards and will be cast as 'Red Weed' in our War of the Worlds production.I can line dance without serious bodily harm,although I am likely to go into a wild ballet.I collect cool souvenirs from around the world-postcards,magnets,even little bottles of ash from volcanoes all arrive in my mailbox and am a Formula 1 aficionado and can play Scrabble at a virtuoso level.

I am bizarrely lovable.Described in a school report as an 'individual fruit pie' I have indeed lived up to that expectation-indeed I dressed as a jam tart to fulfil this prophecy. I have also been a schoolgirl,hula dancer,scuba diver and Smurf-all with perfectly justifiable reasons.

I have worked as a courgette picker for one day before erupting into blotches,as a timeshare dude for one night and for considerably longer doing good and charitable works,and putting my voice on the airwaves in the radio.

And yet I still lack a female partner.Perhaps it was the dare to wear their little sister's bra for the day that put them off.More likely the dare to pad it with brambles.Or quite possibly my compulsive urge to whizz down the supermarket aisles on trolleys.Yet I need some companionship-sweet,loving and as complete a fruitcake as I am.

Now who could resist this.If only the B3taettes knew I was here,they would surely be intrigued by this odd specimen and wish to find out more,to discover the romantic side that would take them for a moonlight walk on the beach....before pursuing them armed with a crab.

If only I'd have the chance to say this to them,surely there must be a nice little B3taette out there who would cherish me.But I haven't written this letter yet.

Oh.Wait.I have done.
I shall wait and see what happens.
Oh and welcome.I shall enjoy my time in the padded cells of B3ta.After all my family tree reads 'May contain nuts'.
(Lemon_martini, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:34, 5 replies)

Dear Wasps
Why the fuck do you exist? I see no reason for you to be here. All you do is sting people and make girls scream like a loon when you are about. You are mean!
(John_Bonham's_snare gave you tinnitus on, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:28, 6 replies)

Dear Roger
I don't think you'll be able to read this (hopefully in some other consciousness you may be), but I'd just like to say a few words about my deep affection for what you did for me in my formative years.

I was utterly taken in by your beautifully simplistic and fantastically lyrical take on life. It meant so much to me as a teenager, though by then you had gone away and I would have listened to more if there was more available.

Your friends have said more about you than I ever could, and in a medium so powerful that it moves people to tears. They loved you and lost you, and the world was a poorer place when you finally passed away.

You chose to live your life the way that you wanted, but to me you were a hero, a gifted, probably flawed genius, that decided to take your own path in life. While you were working in the way that you loved and when you loved it all, you gave pleasure to so many.

When you chose to change your career, it was of your of your own volition, despite other people saying that you shouldn't, and I respect you for that.

You weren't left alone when you wanted to be, and that was very sad. However, your friends looked after you, and that gave you the freedom that you always wanted.

You were truly great, and I won't ever forget you.




































Shine On.
(Dr Teeth Who asked you, you fuckin' hobbit?, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:13, 8 replies)

I lied to you
I said I left you because you used to hurt me. You cheated on me. You came and dragged me round to your house to clean up your sick after getting too fucked (on christmas day).

But really I met someone else better, soz.
(i should have joined myspace, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 0:02, 3 replies)

for future spiderslut.
Don't. Whatever you're thinking of. Just don't. Do the opposite of that.
(spiderslut, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 22:49, 5 replies)

Dear Exes...
...on both sides of the fence. At least those I still don't see quite a bit of these days {as friends alright, calm down}.

There were good times and there were bad, but in almost all cases the balance didn't always, well, balance, at least not well enough for one or the other of us. More often than not the end has definitely been my fault, and there's good and bad in those stories too. In any case all I can say is trust me, at the time you were better off without.

That's not to say I'm the cause of all the negatives. I have in times of my life been a thorough and undeniable twat, but not all the time. Still even where I wasn't the worst of the pair or on a par at least, I don't hold any grudges. Glass houses and all that :)

Whichever way it ended between us and whichever way it was beforehand, I hope you're all okay out there, and that you're at least on the trail of what you want from life if you don't have it already.

Take care, wherever you are.

That Bloke Over There
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 22:42, Reply)

Dear past me
1. Do not pull that girl on your course - it will end in tears (yours, not hers)
2. Some are worth chasing, some not. I think you know which ones I mean.
3. You would have been more accebtable if you didn't try so hard.
4. It's not bad to break up with someone, sometimes it's better that way.

Go to bed
(chocmonster Failed to come up with a witty signature by, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 22:22, Reply)

Dear Climate Change Skeptics
I really hope you're right and that we're not due a totally fucked future, but just in case you're wrong, could you please attempt to lead a more environmentally aware lifestyle?

I'm only trying to save you from the impending embarassment you'll face when Kent turns to desert and the ice caps melt.

Love from

Me
(chocmonster Failed to come up with a witty signature by, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 22:16, 7 replies)

To Runty Rockets and Gato Boo-boo,
Thank you for being the bestest kitties ever.
Sometimes you are the only things in my life that make me smile.
I loves you and you can has cheezeburgurz anytime you like.
(Just a girl., Tue 9 Mar 2010, 21:58, 3 replies)

Well,
I spent a long long long long time writing an answer to this, and sent it to the person instead:) Much much better.

She now has a restraining order but hey, you win some you lose some.

Og
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 21:51, 3 replies)

Dear Kevin Blackwell,
Please, just go now, before you do any more damage.

Believe it or not, you're at least partly to blame, and the sooner you take yourself away the sooner things can start to turn around.

Don't slam the door on your way out, and don't darken our doorstep again.

Yours, etc.,

Captain Crackerjack, Disillusioned Blade.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 21:36, 2 replies)

Dear J,
I wish I had never set eyes on you.

I wish I had never set eyes on you as I would never have fallen in love with you. I wouldn't feel all this pain of not being able to have you.

I should never have gone near you as you were already someone elses. But I did, and thus I deserve this hurt.

Now, I am afraid I will always be alone as no one else wants me. Even if they did, no one even vaguely measures up to you.

Shit.
(Just a girl., Tue 9 Mar 2010, 21:16, 8 replies)

Dear M
I can't believe I wasted 8 years of my life on an impotent tosser like you.

You crushed every last drop of self esteem out of me with your manipulative and strange ways. You were socially inept and were determined I would be the same. You had no sex drive, prefering porn to the real thing and could only muster up the energy for sex once a year and then you would spluff straight away- What the fuck was that all about? Pathetic.

Our 'love life' consisted of me driving you round to various shops, walking round with you for hours before taking you home again without buying you anything. Tight bastard. Freak.

You were a sweaty, greasy weasel and I feel sick at the thought of ever having to look at you again.

You may well have dumped me, but I got the last laugh when you tried to come crawling back didn't I?

I must of been out of my mind to have stayed with you so long.
I wish we had never met. You make me sick.
(Just a girl., Tue 9 Mar 2010, 21:12, 3 replies)

Dear all online merchants
For the love of god, please do not use Verifailed by Visa or Masterfail Secure Code. Maybe they make things more secure, most intelligent people seem to reckon not. Mainly it means I am unable to use my card of choice on the internet. Why? Because after months of wondering why Verified by Visa didn't work, it turns out that VfV doesn't support Firefox, and it wasn't even giving me an error message that informative. Having said that, when I finally Googled the problem it seems that other people found out about the browser incompatibility because they got an error message saying so. This implies that my bank were perhaps not capable of copy and pasting my name, address and date of birth correctly from an old database to a new, thus rendering the service impossible to use. I'm not even going to try arguing with a bank that they have my details wrong.
(GothicTechie, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 20:53, 3 replies)

Dear 4x4 driver
Thanks for leaving your details when a strong gale forced your door into my car leaving a 4 inch dent 1 inch deep. I was frankly amazed at how apologetic you were over the phone and how freely you accepted responsibility and gave over your insurance details.

The repair shop the insurance firm sent me to took over 2 weeks to do what they said was a 1 day job. They even managed to break the wing mirror on the opposite side of the car and it failed it's MOT on that one fact that afternoon.

Your kindness was only marred by some fucktard you will never meet.

Cheers Pal,

S. Diechmann
(Spud Diechmann joined in!, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 20:42, 2 replies)

Dear Wendy...
I've loved you since the first time I saw you.
I'll never not love you.
That doesn't mean that sometimes I wouldn't like to drop you off a high bridge into a deep river.
I accept the sense and the correctness of the fact that we made far better friends than lovers, and neither of us was really happy living together, BUT...
When I'm the only one of the three guys who've impregnated you who's been there for the anti-natals, births, and since then, sending me a Fathers Day card from the kids would be quick and fairly cheap, and encouraging them now they are old enough to do that, Xmas, birthday, wouldn't be too hard, would it?
When I invite you in March to my wedding six months later because I want my kids and my friend to be there, I don't expect to get a phone call asking me to do something for you with a mention of the fact you've already booked a holiday for when the wedding is. And learning a fortnight after the wedding from the kids that they haven't been on holiday that year was a bit of a ballbuster.
You've known most of my secrets for years, you encouraged me after my first bisexual encounter when I didn't know if I'd liked it or not because it was so unexpected to try it again to gauge it properly, you shared your bisexuality with me before anyone else (even the people you were going to share it with).
I don't want to hate you, but you're making it really difficult to be your friend.
Love,
Matter
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Tue 9 Mar 2010, 19:40, Reply)

To whoever it concerns:
99p, or anything ending in the aforementioned sum, is the most annoying thing ever created. I'd rather pay the extra penny and not have to carry around pennies all the time. I know the idea is that people see the start of the number and not the decimals, but seriously? Up to the .00, I guarantee most people will be happy to pay it.

x
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 19:36, 11 replies)

To all those people that tell me "You will meet someone"
"Theres somebody out there for everyone." "The right girl is just around the corner for you." "You're a great guy!"

Three words, NO, I, WONT!

Honestly what is it with people? Just because they're able to hook up with girls in clubs or get somewhere with online dating, doesn't mean everyone has that ability.


The fact I wont letch on girls in bars, stalk them and generally be abusive, inappropriate and disrepectful towards them, I'm not an interesting person!

As I'm not violent, aggressive, and controlling. I'm not seen as a bad boy. Especially as I'm not an alcoholic, a drug user or a criminal. I'm some what different, because I won't shag their best mates, their mum, or prostitutes behind their back.

Because I treat a girl properly, spoil her, look after her and give her all my love, she can't go crying to her mates because she has a bad boyfriend and misses out on all that drama, sympathy and attention.

This all makes me BORING!!

But, I'm not changing for anyone, and as girls actually like the above, then NO, I wont meet anyone.

Yours sincerely,

Single and loving it!*

*Sometimes
(Miggyman, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 19:36, 21 replies)