I can't lie
I can't lie on my CV, even though I would like to. My mum works for the Scottish Ambulance Service as a clerical office for East Central Division and reads CVs every day. She insists on reading mine before applying for any job. At 27, you would have thought I was old enough to apply for jobs without the need for parental assistance...
(Rob Roy The Postie is looking for alternative employment, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 21:26, Reply)

Lost time
I also "forget" to add some of the jobs I've taken and invariably put "at home mom" for that time like working on stage at the strip club, as a go-go dancer,or the S& M club mistress job... "bad dog lick my boot!" this really doesn't look good when applying for church-run agencies or children related jobs does it now?
(pulelehua.geo Ultralurker, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 19:55, Reply)

I can speak
fluent french, japanese and swahili.

That's what got me my job, and I've been here 8 months and not even had to pretend.
(Lord of the Beans, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 19:40, Reply)

rumbled.....
my sacking as manager of a pub (sacked by my mates no less) was turned into a redunancy on my CV (with compliance from aforementioned bastard mates) when applying for an event management job. i basically said that due to budget restrictions the owners had decided not to have a manger, & do it all themselves. interview went great, i was one of only 5 applicants & was convinced i was getting it. but didn't. found out later that the guy who got the job was the same bloke who had been made manager after me. arse.
(charlytune, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 19:07, Reply)

Never lied, merely "enhanced"
Never actually wrote anything technically untrue on my CV's, just enhanced the minor truths.

Anyways, last year I was bored and pissed off with my job so went for a job in IT recruitment, after reading the job role I realised that I didn't actually want the job but I wanted the experience.

So, turn up for interview, speak to 2nd in command of company, as soon as I sit down my 5yrs of sales experience takes charge, I completely controlled the interview, cutting the guy up, interjecting but in a pleasant way.

2 days later I get a call asking me back for a second interview, I mention that I'm not really happy with the wages, so they phone back an hour later offering a higher wage, I still say it's not enough, the call back again offering me higher. I say I'll think about it.

Go back for 2nd interview, all going well until they say "it's a busy office so there will be times when we'll just need you to do stuff", I say sure, but I expect to spoken to nicely, a look of horror spreads across their face that I could be so rude as to expect common decency, they reply "well, it is busy, so we don't always time for please and thank you", "fine" I say, "but politeness doesn't cost".

I didn't get the job I didn't want, despite negotiating a higher wage all because I expected to be spoken to nicely!

The cheek of me!

Oh yeah, CV's are pretty darn useless, having the balls and the words in the interview counts for so much more.
(Laxly, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 18:52, Reply)

according to my cv i have many hobbies
including windsurfing, sailing, scuba diving, fishing, skiing, and snowboarding. when in reality i have absolutely no hobbies apart from watching tv and getting off my tits on beer. but i dont really think that these hobbies would make me look like someone anyone would like to employ.
(fwack bang on it, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 18:15, Reply)

Liiiiies
I was on the dole for a few months a couple years ago, was the best thing to do until something good came up.
However those of you who have been on the dole will know they find jobs for you that match your talents that you have to apply for whether you want to or not.
Seen as I am a sailer who was waiting for delivery/racing work I wasnt so keen on working full time at the local Hardware store or pound land.
This meant I had to spend a huge amount of time "adjusting" my CV so that I wouldnt get the job.
This included having almost pathological interests in tools including the line. "I feel that I was born to work with all types of electrical saws and I have a passion for all DIY tools."
and listing "standing absolutely still" as a hobby and interest.

Needless to say I didnt get any jobs till I was taken on by a yacht in Thailand - winner!!!

length - girth
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Mon 10 Jul 2006, 17:16, Reply)

Tipp-ex fun
Knew a girl from school who bunked off all her exams. When the certificate arrived in the post, every single subject had the word "Abs" for 'Absent' where the grade should be.

A little work with a bottle of Tipp-ex and a colour photocopier later, she presented a certificate boasting straight A's to a prospective employer, and is now the manager at a large high street bank whose name rhymes with "Shabby". If only they knew.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 15:12, Reply)

Blimey
I just remembered. Once, when my friend was applying for a job, against my better judgement and was emailing his CV, he left the room to fetch some coffee. Lightning fast, I made some quick alterations.

Name: Tim Duffy (It's not, obviously)
Age: 19
Qualifications: None
Previous Experience: None
Hobbies: Collecting.
Abilities: I can kill a man.
(Lofn and Idun, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 14:10, Reply)

Not just CV's
I have a tendency when dealing with such dull and tedious activities such as writing a CV to have one of two responses. I either become extremly sarcastic and bitter about the whole procedure (a good example being my GCSE Biology conclusion. I had become so disulusioned with the whole process of finding how great an effect osmosis had on bits of potato, that my closing statement read "At long last, mankind will finally know how much salt water goes into a soggy potato chip.") or, I get bored to the extent that I set myself some inane task, like in my latest CV, writing movie stories into it.

In the past, I have listed the entire montage sequence of Rocky as my hobbies, and my motto was a line from "Eye of the Tiger.".

Being that I'm a lazy begger, I have very little to place in the box for previous experience, and so usually relate to my short film project which kind of counts. Of course, I was subject to the usual 'inflation' of achievement, so writing a script and vaugly telling people to do it became "Project Management from the point of concept creation to realisation." As I recall, once I copied a recent winner of best director speech. You see, my CV's are more fun to read. If you look twice, you will see that a lot of it is infact an homage to cinema.

To this day, I remain completly unenployed.
(Lofn and Idun, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 14:04, Reply)

Lies!
Went for job interview for network tecnhnician at a local college.

Do I know Novell Netware? (No, but I had heard of it.) Blagged interview, got job and hurriedly bought big book on it. Read said book, still had not much of a clue, and luckily my manager found the whole thing amusing and taught me up. See? Lying's good! :)
(nert, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 13:56, Reply)

I went for a job at the local video store
I'm impervious to x-rays and can catch bullets. In my spare time I'm a journalist.

Never heard back.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 10 Jul 2006, 13:25, Reply)

Hindsight
I said I had experience in pool cleaning and discretion when it came to celebrity, and that I was in the employment of one of the original Rolling Stones in the 60s.
Mr Barrymore said 'You start Monday'.
Probably shouldn't have put that down.
(thePontificator, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 13:24, Reply)

Valstorm I think you're confused
There is a difference between a CV and an application form. I think your Dad picked up an application form for you to fill in, not a CV!!!
(Mad McMad, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 12:04, Reply)

Interests
On every CV I have ever done I have put 'Eating out' as my main interest. If questioned in the interview I even do a smutty kind of Roger Moore eyebrow thing, but it's such an innocent innuendo no-one can pick you up on it.

I also used to put Kung Fu and Fell Running. I've never done either of those though.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 12:02, Reply)

Job applicant
I was looking for a new draughtsman through an agency. One CV came was from quite a young chap but academically seemed perfect until I had a closer look at his other experience.

Carer for OAP for five years.
Building and grounds maintenance for five years.

Hang on a mo, hes only 18. It suddenly became clear, he went to live with his gran when he was 13.

Then I opened his CV in word, he had a full page sized Ford XR3 as a watermark ffs.

The agency seemed a bit miffed when I told them "they were being silly".
(Yellow Car is now red, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 11:48, Reply)

Another 'not mine but...'
A company I worked for advertised for a temporary CAD operator and we all had a look through the CV's.
One fool put: "worked for six months on board a support ship in the North Sea. The ship sank 2 months after I left"
While not admitting guilt for the accident, it makes you wonder what he'd done
(kitch, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 11:24, Reply)

What did?
I accidentally forget about jobs that sound bad on my CV.. Like the chicken factory position, or the time I was made redundant within 2 hours of starting a job.
(doos hows my random?, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 11:20, Reply)

Yep...sure I know Quark
I once applied for a post of 'Web Artist'

I had no idea what a web artist done...but being a web designer...i thought it was going to be similar...so sent in my CV, they called and asked me to come in for an interview. joy!

So....they ask about my skills and I tell them about my HTML/Flash skills etc etc...they're kind of looking a bit blank.

They notice I have 'Quark' on my CV...which to be honest, i used once, at university.

So, they ask about my quark skills...and I tell them I'm ..err...proficient in Quark "oh good, we have a little test for you"

erk

they left the room and left me to do a newspaper mock up in Quark....i stared blankly at it for 5 mins...tabs? rulers? whats aall this crap...err...ummm

one guy come back in the room for a pen and asks how I'm getting on.....'fine' i reply.

as soon as the door closes, i get my jacket and bag....quietly open a very creaky door....trip over a phone in the hall way and run down the stairs..pissing myself with laughter at my silent getaway...

teach me to tell porkies.

p.s can anyone tell me what a web artist is?
(Soulisdead, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 10:30, Reply)

Achievement
Not my CV, and possibly not a lie.

When I worked at Gadgetshop I was randomly looking through the pile of CVs during my lunch break. Gadgetshop was known for it's fairly quirky recruitment style - I had to dance to get an application form and sing a nursery rhyme as part of my interview, embarassing but then I got the job so not really a problem - and some guy was obviously trying to play on this.

The bit that stood out was

"Achievements: My parents have never caught me"

Didn't specify what, but I think deep down we all knew.
(daylightroddery, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 3:52, Reply)

The littlest carpenter
My brother in law is a contractor. He got the bug helping his brother, my husband when hubby was working as a carpenter.

Tim's business cards read: "blah blahblah, OVER 36 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE blah" As he's only 42, he's counting fetching beers and holding the nail bucket at age 6 as experience.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 3:44, Reply)

you guys are crazy
I hope you don't admit anything about a job you still have. These qotw answers linger.

also: A CV and a résumé (spelling corrected) are technically a bit different from eachother in the strict sense of each term. :P
(crumpled, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 3:43, Reply)

Disability Benefits (?) Agency
Not strictly a CV, but I used to visit my brother in the Disability Benefits Agency at lunchtime when I was on the dole. They had a noticeboard of funny CVs and stuff, but there was a classic letter sent in by a bloke who was caught 'on a hobble'... i.e. he was caught working whilst pretending to be ill. It was meant to explain why he was working and claiming at the same time. He wrote the letter in the same manner he spoke and went something like this (he was Welsh):

"The thing is, see, I was doing the work I was seen doing, like for some mate's, but it was just a quickie like, wasn't it? Not proper work and you can ask anyone who was there if you don't believe me. My leg and back was still hurting from all the pain but I carried on to help my friends. Anyway you can't get me for this because I have a letter from doctor Jones. TOP DOCTOR!!!! (triple underlined) who says I'm not well enough to work because of my back and if you don't believe me - go upstairs because he works in the floor above you, see. And I know this like because I've been to both places."

I also read my housemate's CV the other day. His hobbies section read only:

"Reading, watching TV, driving.". Class.
(bob T builder, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 22:46, Reply)

Don't you find ...
that people who are really good at job interviews and CV writing can be a problem? A couple of fellows i work (or worked) with at various times spring to mind. one was in our CAD department, all the right qualifications, very good interview, promised the earth and all that's in it, and turned out to be a complete fuckup with absolutely no engineering sense at all, specifying interference-fit holes in components to let a stainless screw self-tap (ie jam into place) instead of tapping it properly because he couldn't be bothered to indicate a tapped hole on the drawing, tutted over the mistakes on a back-of-a-fagpacket drawing i wanted made into a DXF, then got the huff when i returned his drawing covered in red pen where he'd made his own buggerups. Spent hours of overtime playing flight sims and downloading pr0n and eventually got the sack. The other guy gave a terrible interview, but was hired anyway. he's good at his job and well liked, just no good at interviews. the reason? he stays in a job long enough that he just doesn't get the practice at job interviews, which from an employer's point of view should be a good sign.

apologies for length, it's their minimum order quantity.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 22:09, Reply)

big lie
I applied for a job as cellar man at the hammersmith apollo some years ago.. I wasto be in charge of maintaining dozens of bars and looking after thousands and thousands of barrels of beer.

I'd never poured a pint, or changed a barrel, so to get around this, I wrote that I had run a chain of top nightclubs throughout the middle east, but wanted a less stressful job that gave me more free time. the truth was i'd been a glass collector and toilet attendant in Tel Aviv for about 3 days

got the job!
(globalloon, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 17:25, Reply)

Thats a bloody good point Dobby...
...about employers lying on job descriptions.

It took me 2 years to figure out that "Exciting opportunity in the financial services" means "Soul destroying admin shit"

"Challenging Role" means "Impossible work load aimed at causing your imminent mental breakdown"

"Flexi-time" means "You work when we fucking tell you to work fuckface"

"Competitive industry standard wage" means "You're a monkey, here are some peanuts, DANCE MONKEY, DANCE"

"Working in a close team" means "Complete cunt of a manager telling you 8 hours a day that your work is not good enough, you will need to work late, and that I own you man-bitch"

Oh dear, I made myself sad.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 14:44, Reply)

They didn't get the job
A few years backI worked in a recruitment department. We kept a record of CV own goals. Some of which are:-

'I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms'
'It's best for employers I don't work with people'
'I was working for my mum until she decided to move'
'Let's meet so you can ooh and aah over my experience'
'Marital status: often, Children: various'

and my favorite

'References: none, I have left a path of destruction behind me'
(ElGatodeBarco, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 12:40, Reply)