Tropical disease
This Christmas, whilst at my in-laws, I managed to inadvertently reduce my usually hard-lad nephew to tears. On looking at some mild spots of psoriasis on my hands, the terror child asked ‘What are they?’, whilst jabbing at them with a mucky finger.
‘Oh no, you’ve touched them now…’I replied…’That means you’ve caught my hideous tropical skin disease…’
He disappeared, and after a few blissfully quiet minutes, I found the boy huddled in the kitchen weeping, ‘I don’t want it, I don’t want it’. Cruel, but at least it stopped me from being continually kneed in the knackers for five minutes.
(skinlesscod, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 13:26, Reply)

"I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine."
That's a line from "One Night In Bangkok" (from the musical, "Chess"). When I heard it in the car one day (aged about 7), I asked my Dad what it meant.

He told me that in International chess matches, the players sometimes kicked each other under the table to try and put each other off...

I grew up thinking chess was a contact sport.
(Seebeedee, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 13:23, Reply)

wee sex
when I was about 6, my dad when cornered on the subject of making babies explained it was like "going for a wee" but you did it inside your wife. needless to say this was more confusing than instructive, and led to plenty of playground mocking when I passed on the info at school breaktime.

btw - loads more of this stuff at www.iusedtobelieve.com
(mrbeans is felching, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 13:23, Reply)

If you swallow
chewing gum, it stay's in your stomach FOR EVER!

Apparantly.

Not that I'm complaining. As a teacher I have a deep hatred of the stuff. Of course I could also post half the things I make up in lessons, but that would be unprofessional ...
(Havelock, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 13:20, Reply)

My brother said a condom was a fury animal....
that a man chased around and killed and put on a womans tits when he wanted to snog her - fcuking liar!
I was 6 and wanted to know what it was as his friend Richard Lemon had told the joke - 'How do you know when elephants have been doing it in your garden? A dustbin liner's gone for a condom! - and I didn't get it although they thought it was very funny.
My Dad didn't when I told him, in fact I don't think Richard Lemon came round after that...

Ooh - and guess what, my parents told me that when the ice-cream van played music it had run out.
(Rata-tat-atouille, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 13:15, Reply)

School Teacher/Palm Reader liar
Not my parents, but at a school fair when I was about 5, one of my teachers had a palm reading stall... So I paid my 10p and she started reading my palm...

"oooooooh" she said

"Your life line says you won't live to see 20"

... 5 years old and she tells me i will die before I was 20... I tell you my 20th birthday was a joyous fecking day...

Granted... i probably deserved it... i was a proper shit at school.
(I am the Nuns, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 12:51, Reply)

From November...
...To 24th December, I convinced my five year old son that I knew Santa pretty well. So well in fact, I showed my son (CJ) my mobile phone, and I had saved Santa's number in memory, as simply picking up the phone and pretending to speak to Santa didn't fool him, he had to see me find the number, and the phone had to be lit up for the duration of the call. I would call Santa every time he was naughty, and ask him to take 1 - 5 presents off him, depending on the severity of the situation. I also told him that one year Santa did not come to me, and I was the only child in the whole world who didn't get a single present at Christmas, and I cried all day.

I love Kids.

We also regularly browse through catalogues and shops near his birthday and say things like 'oooh, he'd love that Barbie car. We'll get him that' and he goes batshit insane when we do that.

I got him the Ninja Turtles sewer for Christmas. I love it.
(V3lvetPresley, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 12:49, Reply)

Sad Lisa
When I was little, we had a sheep in our garden called Lisa. One day Lisa was gone and my dad said he had her taken to a herd with lots of other sheep so she could meet some friends.

We had roast lamb on the next weekend.

I didn't find out until christmas a couple of years later, when my dad said, we'll have a roast lamb for christmas dinner, "but it won't be as good as Lisa". I still cannot eat lamb today.
(dogpile, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 12:48, Reply)

I told my friends little brother
that if he didn't be quiet his mummy and daddy would both get sick and die.

Kids are so gullible.
(el_pollo_diablo, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 12:32, Reply)

Lies lies just lies
just a quickie about the whole "Nig nog" thing. my mum and me used to make ginger oaty biscuits and they were officially called nig nogs, i have the recipe and they really are quite yummy and not in anyway racially offensive!
(leanora, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 12:23, Reply)

Rubber Dubber a dubber
Once I was watching TV with my mother when an advert came on for durex condoms. I asked ny mother "what is a condom?" to which she replied "it's a block of flats." Bless her.
(berkarmada, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 12:03, Reply)

Yellow potato
As a young 'un I wouldn't eat pumpkin. Didn't bat an eyelid at "yellow potato" though - I couldn't get enough of the stuff.

I was 15 before I worked out "yellow potato" was the result of my mum boiling potato and pumpkin and mashing them together.

Mind you, my younger brother is twenty seven, and just last Christmas Mum convinced him that at 4.30 on Christmas Eve she found a butcher who was able to sell her that organic turkey he was insisting on.

We're a gullible lot I suppose.
( Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 11:56, Reply)

My Parents Told Me...
That sticking your fingers in the plug socket would kill you.
Well I tested it but not on myself. My younger brother is now
currently making a speedy recovery in the local hospital.

Conclusion: It's A Lie
( Mr. Street, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 11:51, Reply)

you cant always trust your mother
my mum told me that if I picked my nose my elbow would get stuck.
(dedlymonkey, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 11:26, Reply)

My Dad told me Marmite was lovely.
So I dug a big spoonful out of the jar and ate it. I was sick for hours. Literally.
( pxyzyzygy, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 11:25, Reply)

A few lies from when I was a liddle boy
1. "Deep inside your belly button there's a screw, and if you undo that screw, your bum falls off" (Verbatim quote)

2. "That smell is incense. Go to bed" (on coming downstairs aged 5 to get a glass of water: in hindsight I realise they were stoned out of their trees)

3. "It's wrong to feed your sister paperclips" (We are both adults now, and evidence continues to suggest that perhaps it was the right thing to do)
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 11:24, Reply)

The Mushroom Man
When i was about 7 or 8 i used to try and sneak off down the park with my friends, however my mum wasn't keen on this idea. So she told me, if i went down to the park without her, a Mushroom man would catch me, and turn me into Campbells Mushroom Soup. So of course i used to wait at the edge of the park for a 6ft tall walking mushroom. Looking back on, i suppose it was better her saying that than, an evil peadofile would get me.
(kickingbunny, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 11:24, Reply)

my primary school motto was:
"The Fear of the Lord is the Beginning of Wisdom"

Emblazened on a wooden plaque accross the back of the stage in the assembly hall.

Fortunately I was too young to know what it meant, and thought it was someting to do with teeth.
(dedlymonkey, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 10:42, Reply)

Evil toilets of doom!
"If you stay still after flushing the toilet, you can be sucked in and drowned!"

- told to me by my mum when I was 5, giving me a lifetime need to move around the bathroom after flushing, and for a while when I was a kid, leading to the 'quick retreat' method of not flushing until I was about to leave the room, pressing the lever and RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!
( watashi-wa Evenin'!, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 10:32, Reply)

Gradients and Parents
In a knackered Toyota Corrolla, somehwere in Scotland on 'holiday' in driving rain. My dad drove down a really steep hill and was about to go up the other side when I noticed the gradient sign. 1:6 and was told that on average only one in six cars ever made it.

bastards.
(National Squid Never knowingly underfondled, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 10:24, Reply)

If you don't wash your bum...
it'll heal up.
That's what my wife was told by her dad.
(boukha, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 10:03, Reply)

Dog Poo
This one's kind of the other way around... A while back my mum said that I could get fined up to £500 if I let the dog shit on the pavement. I *thought* she was lying... I've since found out she wasn't (apart from the fact that it's about £1000 instead...). Still technically a 'minor' I got let off...
(richietheg my dad buries dead people. he's an undertaker., Fri 16 Jan 2004, 9:47, Reply)

lies
Me: Mum, can I learn the piano?
Mum: No, learn the accordion instead, its much better.

c*nts.
(thrain, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 9:41, Reply)

Twiglets taste horrible...
that's it. My mum told me that, and she was lying...
(richietheg my dad buries dead people. he's an undertaker., Fri 16 Jan 2004, 9:36, Reply)

well, not my parents but....
about 5 years ago, my brother told me the strange man up the road, called Bob, had a false leg. It was only during the heatwave last summer. when Bob had shorts on that I realised my Brother had been pulling my (also not false) leg. D'oh!

Edit: I was 18 before I realised.
(DeeDee, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 9:05, Reply)

Neighbours
Watching Neighbours/Home and Away as a kid and thinking, wow Australia would be a cool place to live. I now live here and its shittier than England!

Also, told this to my younger brother after him spotting a pic of pubic hair in a jazz mag on the street...

Brother: why is it all dark there?
Me: She burnt it on that fireplace in the picture and thats why she has no clothes cos they burnt too!

Classic!
(SkinnyBoy, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 8:53, Reply)

I can't read speech bubbles
When me and my brother Weasal were little, our mum use to buy us comics (now we have to buy our own) but she would never read them to us as
she said she "couldn't read the words in the speech bubbles", poor mum we thought for many years, she must have dyslexia (and a very rare form to boot, as she managed to read everthing else)
Later she confessed, she could read properly, she just didn't want to do the different voices (this is one of the many reasons she not getting grandkids!)
(not just a pretty hatstand, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 8:38, Reply)

Soufflé
I asked my dad what Soufflé was when i was about 8..... and got the reply "Its somthing you put in the oven then say, oh its gone all flat" and for about 5 years i thought Soufflé was some kinda joke cake that goes flat on cooking.....
(Jimmy8085, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 8:00, Reply)

Natural Gas
My Dad told me that Natural Gas was elephant farts and the way they fill lighters was to stick them up am elephants bum and wait till they fart. So to save the elephants from this cruel and unusual torture we should never play with lighters and waste the gas. Some people should never be allowed to breed.
(rokie, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 7:56, Reply)