Funny how more spring to mind...
While working in the aforementioned shop we had a 'cake who used to walk around shouting angrily "Well it's alright for you, isn't it? You're Diana Rigg!"
And of couse who could forget poor Avril from my home town who used to hit innocent passers-by with her handbag...if you chased and taunted her enough.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 14:29, Reply)

Mad Bill
God Rest his soul. This retarded old chappy used to reside around a little place Called Chadsmoor (or Chavmore as it has become known) He used to stumble down the road and everybody he would pass by he would shout "Its Fuckin Cold today" even in the height of summer. This sould got run over 5 times and every time he got run over he would utter the words "Fuckin got me again" UNfortuanatly I do not know how his demise came about, as he gave me many larfs when I was about 10. Incidenatally he taught me the word Fuck (nah not really, learnt that when I went to primary school :))
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 14:23, Reply)

All Hail the Gold-face Prince
I was working in a well-known high st record shop and we recieved a letter from a loon calling himself The Gold-face Prince. He claimed that he was a direct decendant of the man who invented the first musical instrument (some sort of harp or flute or some such wank) and as such was entitled to 3% of all money made from any kind of music. He demanded payment and even gave a return address which was the steet next to mine. I love the East End!
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 13:51, Reply)

Coule of other Gems
Girlfriend just reminded me that in North of Spainwhere we lived ther was a man who used to make animal noises as he walked round the town, he also had a crdboard box with SONY written on the side that he used to film people with. He's been slowly adding to it and covering it with gaffer tape, so now it looks Like a huge blue ball of tape.

There's also the other lady who is about 70 years old and randomly lifts up her skirt, if she likes you it's the front and if she doesn't it's the back. She also has the habit of stopping in the middle of the street, squatting down and peeing all over the floor, so you have to be quite careful where you tread when she's in front of you.

There's also mr Groove Armada who dances in circles and runs after joggers trying to get them to joiun in.
(Tix Keeper of the Smurf, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 12:23, Reply)

Some thinhgs jst shouldn't happen
There's a family that we used to live near in Hull. they were actually a mate's next door neighbours and were people that won't ever be forgotten.

The first night our friend was in his new house we went over for the flatwarming. As we got near his house we were met by a load of screaming kids kicking the shit out of each other and then colouring in bits of the pavement with chalk, as we came up to his house we 'met' his neighbours. They were naked and rutting in a bed in their front room with what can only be described as oozing flesh wobbling all over the place. They had no curtains on the windows and the lights were all on full. Just as we were capable of moving again, the bloke pulls out wanders over to the chair next to the window, scratches his balls and sits down to read the paper. The image of 'loveliness' he'd left in bed had me traumatised for weeks. I kept thinking Jabba the Hut and a gurning competition winner's not so secret love child.

As we approach the door, we are met by their son in what looked like skintight leather dungarees with permed hair no shoes and no shirt on, noisily slobbering over a pizza.

From then on that particular friend always came to our place...

And who ever said deliverance wasn't a documentary?
(Tix Keeper of the Smurf, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 12:03, Reply)

Clarke
On the bridge near the Excel centre on the Docklands....

went out for a sit on the bridge, slightly pissed, and to look at the view. soon a rambling old drunk type man comes up to us, we try to avoid eye contact, as you do, and he mumbles at us.
goodness knows what he said, but we stared at him for a while and he continued to mumble.
believe his name is Clarke, and it appears he lives on that bridge. which is pretty swanky, with two elevators, and has a wonderful view of the Thames dam and Canary Wharf.

We tried to get him to leave asap, and when he finally got the hint he put up his clenched fist, "right on brother" stylee, which my friend met with his. gently.

crunch.

clarke smiled, and left, but i think we broke his frail, calcium deficient knuckles :|
(jaffy, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 11:40, Reply)

Down my street...
is a family that have 45 cats. The son spends every day standing around being unwashed. The 'lady of the house' has the longest fingernails in Britain. This means she probably can't use toilet roll. they fill up the street with smelly old caravans with flat tyres and the council send a skip round twice a year and fill it up with rubbish from their home.

Sorry this post isn't funny but neither are they.
(dirty gypsy, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 11:20, Reply)

Reigate Rob
There's a nutter in Reigate called Rob who thinks his fags should be provided by the NHS. Some years ago he approached my mate and said "Do you know what would happen if I injected you with bleach?" My mate gave him a quizzicle look.... "CONVULSE!" said Rob
( Goosegog, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 10:33, Reply)

one note harmonica man
There was this man in Manchester, who I havent seen around for a while now, who was probably not that insane at all but purely after some sympathy.

He'd stand, with his donkey jacket and flat cap on, playing into a harmonica, but only ever playing one note. so for a hundred yards either way of where he was standing, you'd hear "pheep" ... ... ... "pheep"... ... ... "pheep" ... ... ... "pheep"... ... ...

This would continue all day long.
(daveshane An ah dohn make no sense, but baby ah'm the shit, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 10:16, Reply)

We have a neighbour whose flat
overlooks our garden.

He's convinced he's being persecuted by the police and gassed through his light fittings. So far he's ripped down most of the ceiling in his flat to find the source of the gas that makes him all hot and sticky at night most summers...

He's clearly got real problems, but he plays damn good music most days, so we put up with the odd day of ranting wierdness.
( chthonic, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 10:09, Reply)

Hey PetStarr,
i think i saw that krusty look a like in 1997 but it might have been someone else.either way,I've moved back to newcastle in NSW now so i can't go check or summat.

edit:i just went on that site you provided and i think he might have been my neighbour!!

edit2:ok now i see that he cant have been my neighbour but i do recall someone who looked like him.
(That guy with a hat., Sat 18 Sep 2004, 9:22, Reply)

mentally retarded as well as the mentally deranged?
Though not local, probably one of the biggest nutters ever...one who I refer to as "Big Baby Bush", though those close to him apparently call him "Mr. President". Not only is he border line mentally retarded (invents words like misunderestimate, can't even pronounce nuclear), but he's increasingly mentally unstable, mumbling bible verses to himself, yelling at and scaring young interns he comes across for things that exist solely in his mind, approaching reporters in public and cussing them out, intense paranoia (believes everybody is really out to get him), religious delusion (believes that his lord jesus wants him to do the things he does), and so much more. (http://www.toostupidtobepresident.com/shockwave/howard.htm)
Maybe his brain was damaged by that 20 year alcoholic binge he went on, maybe it was all the alleged cocain use, maybe he was just born with a messed up brain, no one knows for sure. He can be sort of cute in the way a retard who pokes themself in the eyeball with a hot dog or splats an icecream cone on the forehead can be (http://www.consumptionjunction.com/downloadsnew/cj_38161.jpg),
but rumour has it that like the grinch his heart has shriveled to a little prune and instead of blood pumping through his veins, a viscous black ooze seeps through his body instead. As with other nutters, he's supposedly incredibly rich too.
(just a semi serious post with a good bit of parody...he's certainly not local, and not really a nutter like we think of the guy with the beard shouting at the corner, but I mean step back and look at it: somehow, a man who's not only functionally illiterate and border line retarded, but described as increasingly mentally unstable and fitting in perfectly in description with the rest of the loonies described previous is somehow at the helm of the worlds most powerful and dumbest nation...the deranged and mentally handicapped can be funny, but also incredibly dangerous too. Just a funny idea I came up with today to try and show the parallels, do with it as you will.) No apologies for ass kickage of content.
(Cloven, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 4:43, Reply)

One of THEM
I've since moved from the delights of Harlow via various other places, to Edmonton in Alberta, Canada.

One time I got the LRT (Light Rail Transport) from Downtown to the University of Alberta. I left the station and got on a Number 6 bus that would take me to Whyte Avenue, which is near where we live.

To pass the time, because the bus was waiting, I whipped out my iPAQ and started to read some stuff on it. After about five seconds of tapping away at the thing, this guy who was sitting to my right starts yelling "YOU've got one of THEM! No one said anything about THIS! They watch me using THEM!". He kept this ranting up as he worked his way off the bus, keeping as far away from me as possible.

I watched as he left and then moved along outside until he was standing parallel with me. He then continued to yell about how they are the instruments of THEM and how they will get him through people like me. After two minutes of this he went. I caused him to miss his bus!

Of course, the thing that cracked me up was how I was thinking "Shit, how can I even look my fellow passengers in the eye", and I took a quick look around. I caught the eye of a young uni student who, in a very obvious fake way, looked at my iPAQ really suspiciously.

I cracked up, as did she, and I'm sure the rest of the bus thought I was really evil for affecting the poor chap's mind.



I'd apologise for length, but I've got a new program on my pocket pc that'll make you think you never read this... Hang on a sec...
(kiwanotree Meh, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 0:47, Reply)

Tony Beep Beep
Apologies if anybody else has already posted about this fellow. (I've not read 'em all yet!)

In the Old Swan area of Liverpool, there is a busy road junction which was frequented by a gentleman, in his forties known only as Tony Beep Beep.

He would stand on the traffic island with a carrier-bag (contents unknown) and shout 'Beep Beep' at the passing cars. Motorists would pap their horn twice and receive the thumbs up from Tony. It really made his day when people papped their horn at him!

The first time I came across him, I was dropping a friend off, who lived near the area and I commented on the amount of people papping their horn up ahead. My friend replied "Ohhh, you've never seen Tony Beep Beep then".

I beeped and got a thumbs up from Tony.
(Green-Alsatian, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 23:51, Reply)

Ooh crikey..
...this is one of those questions that you think you can't answer until you have a bit of a think about it. Personal favourites are:

1) The old lady who's name I've temporarily forgotten (Mrs Fisher?) who used to wander around St Andrews giving Christian leaflets to all the students. She was, of course, a local legend and subject of much derision and humour. Mind you, the rumour was that she was only trying to 'save' the students because her own son had been one and had died after drinking too much and jumping off the pier, so it's not that funny really is it? Is it? I mean, IS IT?

2) Sky-Blue flat cap, care in the community man who runs around Blackpool backwards. Ran up to my mate in Woolworths once, flailed his arms around at the shelves, shouted 'they've gone, they were all here yesterday' and then ran away. Backwards, of course.

3) The scary, Benny-From-Crossroads-alike (beanie hat and all) who came up to my sister and I while we were waiting for a bus in Acton by the little square next to the Safeways (a proper nutter haunt). He had a very long, pointy-looking stick that he was thrashing against his leg and was staring into the middle distance with lovely lumps of spittle gathering at the sides of his mouth. Strangely, all he said was 'Will they arrest me in East Finchley? What will happen to me if I go to East Finchley?' in a squeaky voice and then he left us alone.

I would apologise for length but, seeing as I'm laughing at people with obvious mental health problems, I'm clearly a bit of a cranberry. Phew, shades of that annoying bloke from the first series of Survivor there - used to paint himself in mud all the time. Anyone? Anyone?
(100%hummusfree, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 23:46, Reply)

Tiger man
kiwanotree, mcnelson, as another harlow-ite i've met this man and can vouch for his military obsession. He usually leads the rememberance day parades, I take it he just sneaks in at the front and nobody shoos him away. According to some of my crueler friends he will pull an imaginary machine gun and start shooting if you shout "GRENADE!"
(Herr Dimitri For Truth, Justice and Fluffeh Tiem!, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 23:42, Reply)

On my street
We have a family and their son is a bit loony. He wanders the streets all day every day and every time a car passes he lifts his jumper or shirt or whatever and rubs his nipples vigorously at the people in the car.

It was funny until he got beat up by a gang of twats that roam the streets looking for a fight. I'm in court in a weeks time to give evidence against the little shits.
(Deiwos - Woo I found my old name!, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 23:18, Reply)

Anyone remember Nutty Neil?
Yet more nutter anecdotes from my mother (does she attract them or what?) Apparently, anyone who lived in Basildon during the late 70's/early 80's will remember Nutty Neil - late twenties, Mummys boy side-parted haystack hair and shiny brown charity shop suit (the trousers of which were three inches shorter than his legs) he used to spend most of his life in the shopping centre, having abuse hurled at him by young and old alike - you usually knew he was coming as the sound of teenage boys shouting "NEEEEEIIIILLL" in the gommiest voices they could manage used to precede him wherever he went. Also a similarly sartorially challenged bloke who worked in one of the shops, eventually (and somewhat surprisingly) got married to a similarly simple soul, and after a while they were seen out and about with a pram (the mind boggled at the thought of the conception, but.....)A woman who worked with my Mum, lived near the "happy-but-witless-couple" at the time, and one day when the wife went into the shop where they worked, her curiosity got the better of her and she went over for a look at the baby.....to be met by a row of glassy eyed stares from all the little teddies and cuddly toys that were in there - not FOR the baby, you understand.....INSTEAD OF!!!!
(underachiever, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 23:17, Reply)

Ealing is classic
If you have lived in Ealing for more than a few minutes, you notice an incredible amount of nutters wondering about.

'Harry' is my favourite. He is a middle-aged man, probably schizophrenic, and when his 'other voices' talk to him, he shouts to himself with his hand by his ear as if holding an invisible mobile phone. My favourite repetitious phrase was 'I'm one man, on one mission, against the whole of West London'.

Why don't his carers give him a broken mobile phone, then he could integrate into society un-noticed.

Ealing also features:
* 'Mad rastafari', dresses kinda like a rasta, and stares wildly at people while ranting. Best ever was seeing him with his nose pressed against the window of blockbusters, ranting at those inside. I went past him, came back 4 hours later, and he is on the INSIDE of the same window, ranting outwards.
* 'Crying boy', who is about 20, & approaches people for money whilst unleashing crocodile tears (not the song.) Always gives the exact same 'Lost my mates, dont have money, dont know where i am' story
* 'Shit eating gambler'. An offensively smelly woman who has brown stuff round her mouth, and begs for money with a hand full of lottery tickets.

* 'Tourettes kid'. He has Tourettes.
* '
( Kung_Fu_Russ ran out of amusing signatures on, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 22:50, Reply)

Not really a nutter, but an interesting man.
While waiting for the schoolbus to arrive every morning for middle school, a large, sweaty man with a buzz-cut and slick looking sunglasses would pass by every day in his rusty, old, white SUV. The vehicle was equipped with an intercom that he used everytime he saw us waiting at the corner.

He would slow the car down and say phrases like: "Hey kids, waiting for the bus, alright, great, awesome, have a fun day."

Or: "Another school day, fantastic, that's fabulous, keep up the grades kids."

Sometimes: "What's up students? Wonderful, wonderful. The bus'll come soon. Be sure to get your homework done."

One day saying: "How's it going? That's great. Remember, don't be fool, school is cool."

One day, a menacing looking sophmore flipped him off. He continued to drive by, but never again did he give us the mundane encouragement.
(Senator_Kenator, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 22:40, Reply)

Two of 'em
One in my home town of Harlow. A skinny guy who dressed in army fatigues and who responded to either "Cap'n" or "Major". He'd salute you if you seemed nice enough.

Then there was the famous traffic director in Norwich, who I saw a few times. I heard that there are a high number of Local Nutters in the streets of Norwich because of the historical inbreeding that took place in the area. Very odd.


You know, most of the people I've read about seem to invoke genuine feelings of attachment - like local institutions. They give towns character. Bless.


[Edit] Holy crap, mcnelson, that's the dude! Tiger Man! Pretty cool for a Local Nutter.
[Edit] Greebo - you know him too!
[Edit] Dimitri - ahh yes - when I was there if you shouted grenade he'd either duck and cover or shoot.
[Edit] bennyhillslovechild - Marigold! That was his name!
(kiwanotree Meh, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 22:35, Reply)

Big Badger
Was on a bus a home a few months ago, and saw someone wearing a Badger costume standing on a roundabout waving at the passing traffic -I was so surprised I nearly waved back
(underachiever, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 22:26, Reply)

Tiger Man....
..is a short, military obsessed little dude who 'patrols' Harlow making sure that everything is ok and nothing untoward is going on. He dresses in military colours and is also obsessed with Tigers...whenever he came in my record store we'd either play 'Eye of the tiger' or 'Tiger feet', and he'd dance in an elvis kung fu stylee...totally unashamed.
(mcnelson, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 22:18, Reply)

Nutterville
Long time hovering, little posting - I'm just a bit of a cunt really.

Anyway, to the question.

Living in Aberystwyth (where the local "special" hospital is called Abermad) we're over run with mooshbrains.

Recently a friend had his windows smashed in by an insane heroin junkie and was forced to live in a "cage" to stop his flat and children being battered to death. He appeared in the local newspaper too, the story made him sound like a monkey man (most exciting thing that's happened for ages...). This loony woman is a walking pill-pot and has had numerous court cases drawn up against her (the most recent was yesterday).

Another local yokel wears shorts all through the year (in the winter, yes) and we're talking Gary Lineker football shorts here too. The site is most disturbing. Lets not forget how he goes round shouting at people and being generally abusive. He talks to himself too. Bit of a twunt.

No apologies for length/interestingness because as I stated I'm a bit of a cunt.
(Timmah, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 22:15, Reply)

weather report
Also in our small but nutter infested town is the "Weather lady" who bellows a frankly obvious report on the latest weather at anyone who walks within 15 feet of her. You'll be rushing down the High Street with an umbrella up and she'll be yelling "ITS RAINING!!" at anyone she sees - One day I'm just going to yell back "NO SHIT!" just to see what she does
(underachiever, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 22:07, Reply)

Erection man
My Mum has worked in lots of local shops, and can reel off literally hundreds of nutter incidents. One of her most memorable nutters was Erection man, so called because you would walk past him to fetch him whatever he wanted and, well, he would get a bit over-excited, and then say "oooh, sorry, that KEEPS happening" Anyway, one day when she was working in a second-hand/junk type shop, he came in and decided to purchase an old Sony Walkman (minus any headphones) for the princely sum of £1. Only he didn't have a pound, he only had 38p - which he left as a deposit, demanded a hand written receipt and returned the following day with the outstanding 62p!
(underachiever, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 22:03, Reply)

"The BEST OF LUCK"
The guy everyone seems to know from Camden and north London is named Horace. I used to see Horace daily in North Finchley when I worked in a little music store there, Horace even got me a leaving card when I left which had 4 polaroid pictures of himself inside, and of course it said "the best of luck". He also gave me an ENTIRE folder full of crayon pictures he'd drawn....they are marvellous, mail me if you want to see some ([email protected]), or if anyone wants to chuck them on a page I'll scan and send some around (I'm a lazy, lazy man).

However, there is also a dark side to Horace. Spontaneously he'd emit a stream of filth so vulgar it couldn't be repeated, then he'd suddenly be back with you, talking about his shopping or whatever. Local legend had it that a certain word would 'set him off', that word being the name of his twin brother who died early on in life. I won't reveal the word as you cunts will almost certainly bait him relentlessly!
(mcnelson, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 21:58, Reply)

Snake belt!
Legend has it (my Grandad was a cab driver in the area at the time, and saw this) that years ago, in Brentwood, Essex, there was a slightly eccentric type who used to wander round with his trousers held up with one of those elastic stripey belts with a snake shaped clasp. nothing TOO strange in that you might think, but when he was bored he would wander up to a busy set of traffic lights get on to the road side of the safety railings, undo his belt and re-thread it so that he was attached to the railings by it. Then he would wait until the traffic got moving and lean forward so that it looked (to the poor terrified motorist) like he was about to fall in front of their car. Then of course at the optimum moment the belt would pull him back to the railings thus averting a bloodbath. wonder how many drivers actually shat themselves?????
(underachiever, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 21:55, Reply)

My turn...
Now I don't profess to be normal by ANY means, but at least I know I'll never be as bad as the following wackos...

In high school, there used to be this black kid who always hung out in the music room, long after the class was over, and before it began. People suspected he lived in there. Almost every day, I'd come in and see the whites of his crazed eyes peeking out the window of the attic where the music was kept. He also played the same song over and over: "daa-da-DA!daa-da-DA!" And a variation would be "DAA-da-da!DAA-da-da!"

One word: CALIFORNIA. I used to live in Long Beach when I was 16 and had to walk 10 blocks to and from school every day. There was a frizzy haired middle aged woman who lived in an abandoned house next to the bus stop who never spoke, but liked to beat her chest like a gorilla to express herself. She also liked to sit on the bench backwards.

Then, there was the Incredible Mustache Man of Portland Oregon who would have put Dr. Fu Manchu to shame. I saw him walking along one day and had to do a double take because his mustache was so long it hung to the ground and trailed behind him. It was also fluffy, as though he had blow dried it. We also had the random-shouting lady, and the usual peeing and crotch grabbing and barfing bums, oblivious to everyone. God bless America.
(moonfire38, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 21:27, Reply)

Colin the cunt
Was the name of our local nutter, he used to live on our housing estate when I was a teenager. Aparently he was normal once, but had some form of horrific industrial accident. He did all sorts, he was about 37 and used to have a bike with a trailer attached that he made himself, it was about the size of a mini, and we never found out what it contained. He would aproach a large group of teenaged boys, and shout "fucking coppers" at the top of his voice and then run away as fast as he could....the funiest thing I ever saw him doing though, was riding a moped, with no crash helmet, at about 20mph on a 60mph dual carriageway, with a bottle of diamond white in one hand, and a portable stereo taped to the handlebars playing the pet shop boys at full volume.
( PieJuice, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 20:47, Reply)