when i was at school
this freshman girl had serious mental problems. every day she would cry about nothing. she wore the same black dress every day. her face looked like the exorcist girl. she was fucking scary.

so one day at the final bell i went out a side door into the main hallway to the main entrance, and shes barrelassing down the hallway screaming her fucking head off.

but what really got us off about her was one time me and my friends tyler, jade, matt, jenn, and alyssa were hanging out in the auditorium and she comes over to jade and says "can i fix your brain?" and she starts moving her hands in a circle around her head. jade practically shat her pants. all i could do was watch this little girl trying to fix jade's brain. laughing. she was laughing hysterically. it was shitting crazy. then she got transferred out of the school before i even learned her name.
(USER No: 21515...FUCK YOU TO FUCK YOU FU see profile for limited time offer., Fri 17 Sep 2004, 20:26, Reply)

nutter? more like a wanker!
this bloke who must live around this area, does the same routine for 10 years and counting... he goes out in his 2CV in the morning, drops it off 100 yards down the road, leaves the engine running for 20 minutes, he goes back out to the car, gets in, reverses back outside his house, turns the engine off, and leaves it for the next day...

it cant be something normal (every day for 10 years?!?!)

nutter
(buggeringfuckering Time's a great healer, unless you've got a rash., Fri 17 Sep 2004, 20:26, Reply)

An elderly black man got on my bus the other day
and started shouting "I am a black jew! I am a black jew!" Then he asked the driver to drop him somewhere en route. The driver asked him where. "Jerusalem," he replied. The driver patiently pointed out that the bus goes from Turnpike Lane to Barnet, but does not stop at Jerusalem en route.
(themanwhofellasleep, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 20:22, Reply)

nutters
There was a guy that sat on a bench next to the traffic lights on my way home from school. He would wait for a bus to stop at the lights, then go up and hug it and tell him he loved it. I was deeply traumatized at the age of ten when he started chasing me down the road yelling that I was his girlfriend.
There was another guy my brother and his mates would tell me stories about. He could run really fast, and when he caught you he would cut your arms with a rusty coke can then rub fairy liquid and lemon juice into it. The trick to get away from him is to climb up a tree, because he doesn't know how. And if you stayed up there for ages, he would get bored and go away. 5 years later, and I'm still afraid he's going to get me.
(Anchoivies, anchoivies, you're so delicious, I love you more than all the other fishes., Fri 17 Sep 2004, 20:13, Reply)

Quad biking chicken
In Swindon there's a guy who rides round on a quad bike dressed as a chicken. His bike broke down outside our office one morning and he waved at us while he was trying to get it started. Another guy dresses as Elvis and busks in the middle of roundabouts in the morning rush hour.
(rogerzilla, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 20:04, Reply)

There's a woman who lives beside my office...
who has two little ratty dogs. When she takes them for walks, she puts their coats on... and puts them in a kid's pushchair. And pushes them around for a while. She pushes them up this fuck-off steep hill round the corner. It obviously is quite difficult for her. And the dogs just sit there quite happily.

Nutter.
( chaotic_illuminator proud spacehopperist, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 19:34, Reply)

That monk nutter who walks around west yorkshire.
I saw him last week in bradford city center. he didnt have any shoes on.
(as1232004, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 19:32, Reply)

This sick woman used to live in my neighborhood in New Jersey. She was the singer in my old church...


She's been on howard stern and has quite a national reputation as being a nutcase.

Click here for more of the "Underdog Lady"
(avid, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 19:31, Reply)

AAAGGHH
Near my house there is this nutter who chased my friend around with an axe. the police came. And when his cable tv went off he smashed up the telewest big green box next to his house with a sledge hammer.
(as1232004, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 19:21, Reply)

where
to start on local nutters? it's terrible.. I live in a flat, and the 2 lowest floors are filled with nutters (with papers to prove it, it's some kind of program to have them live in 'normal'society). 1 spends the day outside, singing incomprehensably. another just walks around the neighbourhood with her blanky, and looks like a truck ran over the eft side of her face. then there's the shouty woman. she shouts. there's the 2foot kid, who's really over 25 years old. there's the icky black guy.. he stares at you with his weird bulging eyes. the scared woman. she's scared of everything...

I live in a weird flat..
(radja, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 19:10, Reply)

Well there's me...
And this dude who lives next door.

He's a big black dude (quite beefy) and has to take his medicine or he attacks white people on bicycles... He just stands outside next door in their drive way. Just standing there... staring... With headphones on, big beefy headphones.

My brother, his friend and my mother said that one day he didn't take his medicine. So the police were called.

3 police cars
2 police motorbikes
1 police van
1 ambulance...

and 1 police helecopter.

All outside next door.

My mam says there's a kidnapper next door on the other side, but I don't believe that so much.

That reminds me. He's kinda a nutter and used to be local. There was this kid who lived next door. About 7 years older than me. My brother and I used to give him and his sister the yogurts from our fridge because we didn't like them. They were happy, we were happy, my mother thought we ate the yogurts.

Then they moved away.

That was when I was about 8. When I was 11 the dude came back. He arrived before I came home from school. He had turned into a chav. He said he had come back from Cornwall to ask me out. That's the nutter part. Did feel sorry for him though. I think he went away feeling very upset. Well I would never go out with anyone who looked like/is a chav.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 19:03, Reply)

once i was in bristol...
seeing a friend at uni and we went for a hungover walk around clifton village. cue one stinkin-ass tramp. he wanders up to the front of this pub, drops his trousers and promptly take a steaming huge shite on the pavement. then sat in a doorway and sang something loud and incoherent. im told this is a common occurance with this old twunt, anyone else seen him?

oh yeah, was recently visiting my girlfriend in chester and spotted a very wierd looking fat blind bloke (mid 30s id say) who busks. but does this guy have an instrument? Nope. Does he sing? Nope. HE WHISTLES.

Very wierd and a bit disconcerting.

Apologies for length
(tapes_are_punk, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 19:02, Reply)

Round-a-bout
There used to be an old bloke in Brighton who, on a sunny day, would stand on a round-a-bout with a car wing mirror trying to blind motorists by reflecting the rays from the sun into their eyes.
(Bee in a cage, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 19:00, Reply)

Mad Grimsby Lady
I used to do a lot of walking about Grimsby and Cleethorpes (mainly between my house and the Jobcentre) and there was an old biddy who would walk around in her typical old-biddy gear.. except for the bright pink socks and training shoes. And if she got within range, she'd point at you and say "Ginnnng!" Odd.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 18:57, Reply)

The busker in Manchester
who can't play guitar and has Tourettes. Can you guess which one people watch him for?
(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 18:52, Reply)

Nottingham Dancing Man
I havent seen him for a while - but when there is something on in slab(market) square that involved music - namely gospel bands playing or something - he usually pops up - he LOVES to dance - and spin - and wave arms.. rhythmn and mood pay him no heed...

rubbish video of dancing man

Ps: this video contains my voice - and my ex-girlfriend laughing - it brings a tear to my eye..
(DrTchock reporting live from the White Chocolate Farm, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 18:48, Reply)

Local Nutter
My Mum. Enough said
( nowimboard shouted "Bring On The Trumpets!" at, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 18:47, Reply)

Local nutters..
Well where do I start? I went to college in Bury St Edmunds, there were a few local nutters but I think that the most prolific was a guy that was known to all as "Chutney" I do not know how he got this name but he is an old guy that walks around with a v neck sweater on - backwards. He also carries a walking stick that he likes to hit random passers by with.
In the Abbey Gardens lives an old boy called Geoffrey, he is no harm to anyone, has loads of money but chooses to live on a park bench with all of his possesions in a waitrose trolley and umpteen plastic bags.
Now we move on to Thetford.. Bobby would have to be my favourite. He is constantly seen walking to the Candy shop to buy himself "20 superkings" The rumours are that he is a paedophile that has been released back into the community but nobody can confirm this. The man spends half of his day sitting on a wall, his voice is kinda half american half retarded. Our favourite thing used to be to ask him the time, "threeeeeee fordy tooooooo" he would boom in his slow drone, it was great.
Another weird guy was the one that Always wore those black shades that block out the light from all angles, he would wear a crisp white shirt, trousers, doc martins and a leather jacket. When shopping he always produced a wadge of twenties then went and got his taxi. The guy is huge, must be about 6'6" and can "get a bit angry" according to a few taxi drivers.
Last but not least is "Dippy Derek" this one is not right really but it has to be said. He is a very intelligent man, used to be a pilot but somewhere along the line he had a car crash and was left quadraspazzed, so now he walks around pushing his wheelchair shaking his angry fist and dribbling. Sometimes he even parks his wheelchair at the side of the roads and flips the bird to passers by.
(sHo0sH, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 18:02, Reply)

Very bad tranny in Luton
During my student days I used to work at Sainsbury's in Bury Park, Luton.

Anyhoo, one day a very bad transvestite walked in dressed in a Brownies uniform and carrying a teddy bear (he she literally looked like the tranny character in Little Britain)

Upon filling a basket with tampons, tights and a packet of Oxo cubes (!) she went to the checkouts and paid the cashier by putting the money on the teddy bear's outstretched paw.
The tranny would only accept the change back into the teddy's paw as well.

Ah great days
(mr matt, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:39, Reply)

Elvis 1 & 2 and Britney Spears' grandmother
The Broadgate Circle by Liverpool St in London is an ice rink in winter, an arena for duff entertainment in summer. Apparently the champagne swilling customers of Corney & Barrow need something to watch from the bar's balconies.

Anyway, an annual feature of the 'entertainments' is the line dancing which sees about 30 oaps bused in to teeter through the works of Billy Ray Virus much to the bemusement of the local suits.

And this attracts three of the oddest twunts I have ever seen.

One is a woman who looks about seventy and dresses like Britney Spears playing the lead in a Dolly Parton biopic. In fact I imagine young Britney will grow to look like this in some 50 years hence. The woman dances like an arthritic whore.

The two men appear to be Elvis fans. Both have wigs. One is happy to be seen wearing a wig, the other wants you to believe it is his real hair. They must be in their late 50s. They dress entirely in man made fibres and wear ludricous plastic shades.

The overt wig wearer shimmies his hips and steps from side to side. He thinks this is sexy and hip.

The covert wig wearer merely stamps out a death march with one foot to the strange tunes he hears in his own head.

They do not take part in the major event. They dance on the fringes. One year the idiot employed to make banal comments over a microphone (normally refered to as a compere) made some bitter laced remark about "our friends over there, they come every year, we don't ask them."

And indeed they do come every year. I used to think they were on day release, now I'm not so sure.

They would lead to comments like "I saw your mum out in the Circle at lunchtime" when you got back to the office. Little Britain hasn't created better comedy characters and they have that vital element of actually being a little scary as well as funny.

I saw them wrecking the afternoon of some luckless busker down by Embankment recently. That made me both chuckle and yet feel rather sad at the same time.

Anyone else know who I mean?
(Dr Benson Smoke, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:31, Reply)

Altrincham - Market Dave
Can't see any reference to this Cheshire town's "Market (or Mad) Dave" yet...

He looks at least 70, wears a flat cap, and pushes a massive barrow thing around town, filled with bric-a-brac and general junk... scrap metal, chairs with legs missing etc.

Anyway the barrow is pretty huge, and doesnt fit on pavements, so he just wanders along roads with it - completely oblivious to the tailbacks he causes or the impatient cars whizzing past.

And to cap it off, most people swear on their lives that he's actually a millionaire, and he's just a total scrooge.

Yeah right.

[Yes I know its comparatively tame, but all the other manchester nutjobs have been taken]
(Silentz, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:30, Reply)

Littlestone
In my home town of Littlestone, in south Kent, there was a local nutcase. We could never be sure of his name, he was dubbed "Pavarotti", for he was constantly singing opera. Once, he told me his name was Orlando, but I found this hard to believe.

Anyway, Pavarotti lived in a basement flat on the seafront, above which one of my friends lives now. He has the kind of design painted on his door that you would expect to see on some Russian Dolls. Pavarotti could usually be found wandering along the seafront or up and down the main road. His dress sense was unique. Often, a pink or white dressing gown and slippers would prevail, which certainly looked odd on a man of about 65 with a large, greying beard. Other 'a la mode' clothing people have spotted him in include a pink feather boa, a child's t-shirt, and some very small, very tight, very '70's' shorts.

At the age of about 12, we plucked up the courage to talk to Pavarotti. This is when he told us his name was Orlando, and then continued to say how myself and my mate Jon looked like sisters. (I'm a chap). Pavarotti taught us how to whistle by putting grass between our thumbs and blowing, and we did this as we left him. Because he was doing this too, he waved at us with his feet.

Odd guy...

Apologies for the girth.
(Malnourished TEALEAF!, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:14, Reply)

And then there's College...
My college has a large building in it with a large area especially for 'special needs' cases and so we get a few nutters in and around the campus. Most are regular spackers and as such should not be mocked as it's not their fault, but there are a few that have that extra edge of madness that makes it OK to laugh at. Favourites include the boy who *constantly* wears a crisp black suit, white shirt, bow tie... no-one knows why. Then there's the couple who are clearly in love as much as spackerdom can allow, and basically never take their hands off each other - I think the male half of the couple was suspended for a few weeks at the end of last year for allegedly fingering the other's arsehole in the canteen (not a silly college rumour, this was confirmed by the tutors) while eating chips. Sick chip-eating spacker loons.

As for the others, their transport, the 'Sunshine Bus' (as it is called, for that's what's painted on the side of it) used to park right outside the window of my old Philosophy room, which made for many un-PC giggles. I've dropped the subject now, and I still feel guilty.

I'm scared of turning into a nutter, really - if my uncle was a little louder then he'd surely make the list if anyone from Shoebury is about - he's very much English (was born and bred in Hornchurch) but has never been quite there, according to other members of the family. He's called Stan, works for the council (I think - I haven't seen him in years) and talks with an American accent. No-one, not even close family, knows why. If anyone's heard of my nutty uncle Stan, be sure to mention him if you want...
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:11, Reply)

farnham
I've skimmed thru every pag and I ca't believe i'm the only poor sod that spent any time in farnham. it had a few beauties, the best being eric, eric was great, he used to divide his time between the various supermarkets, shuffling around chatting away, occasionally he'd accost someone and talk at them for a bit, even making sense sometimes! he did have a habit of following pretty girls tho, which was a bit perturbin for 'em but eric was completely harmless. then there was the guy with one of them litter picker arms that had taken it as his duty to clean up farnham, which i think he'd have liked to do in a travis bickle style, if you so much as glanced in is direction, he'd launch into a tirade about 'fuckin' students!'. Andthen there was the ghost lady, she was deathly pale, thin as a rake,and generally dressed in cream or white. she did absolutely everything in slow motion, from counting out her change (i worked in smiths, it took her hoooouurrrs), to riding her bike, it was amazing how she kept her balance whilst riding at a pace not far off stationary, she used to cause massive traffic jams, she ruled! oh and to the person that felt the need to explain what burger king is, I think most people worldwide know of burger king, we've got far too many of em here, i know that!
( baby wet ones, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:10, Reply)

Nutters in Nottingham
Nottingham has more than it's fair share of nutters.

I had encounters with a few of them while I was working at Argos (broadmarsh centre) while I was a student.
There was this one guy, in his late 50's or early 60's, hard to tell when they look like a tramp. He would come in and ask for a refund on the batteries for his £12.99 Alba 'ghetto blaster'; on the grounds that he had been using it constantly for a week and the batteries had run out! He stank of shit.
Turns out, he used to stand in the street and play his music and try and entice very young children to dance with him..... Haven't seen him for ages, hopefully he's locked away, or even better dead.

The second I saw while at Argos (chav central) was a really tall guy, probably in his early 30's. He stank of piss and can always be seen pushing his bike around the inside of shops. He used to come in and ask some really daft questions, for example, 'will this single sheet fit on a double bed'? Sure he did it just to wind me up.
I once saw him on a TV show on the sadly missed cable channel 'Live TV'. The show toured shopping centres up and down the country, paying people tiny sums of money to act like a twat. In this one, the presenter tried to interview tall bike man, thus giving the viewer an insight into his insane ramblings before making him wiggle around on the floor like a worm.
Tall bike man decided to add his own sound effects and made the moaning sound of a worm crawling on the floor - presumably these are the worm noises only he can hear.. His fee for this brilliant insight... £2.50

Another classic one was this old guy who once came into the shop. Immediately you knew he was not all there. He asked me and my friend Eleanor if we wanted to see his drawing of the town fire station, which, apparently, he had been working on from 3am that morning. To humour him we made out we really wanted to see it. He pulled a roll of paper out of his bag, it was about 6 sheets of A3 taped together length ways with a really crap drawing on it. Looked nothing like the fire station, he had drawn a really long box, put a door on it and wrote 'Fire Stacion' above the door. Rubbish!!!
2 weeks later he came in and asked if I wanted to see his book of celebrity’s names, addresses and phone numbers. Intrigued, I agreed. I quickly lost interest when the first page simply read "The Queen, Buckingham Palace, London". Mad as deck chair.

Also if you are ever in West Bridgford, you may be lucky enough to see the 'Cowboy and the Goth'. The cowboy is the true entertainment of the couple. He's English, but believes he's American. He lives his life as an American, dresses like an american, eats like an american, starts wars like an american etc.. Anyway, one day a few years back, a mate of mine saw him in the street and decided to call him something rude, can't remember what. "GO GET GAS, YOU ENGLISH TWAT" came his witty reply, presumably referring to buying some petrol. Now, sure enough, if we happen to be out in one of our cars and we need to pop to a garage, this phrase make's a regular appearance.

Also, anyone else seen 'Eric the Viking'? He look's mental. Sure someone must have a story.




I would apologise for my length, but if you've read it this far then that you fault...
(Raoul Moat's New Fishing Rod, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:08, Reply)

Dymchurch...
In the rather small, and generally crap town of Dymchurch ("Children's Paradise"), the local loon is Leo. He can be identified by his love of Arsenal FC (always sporting a shirt), waving at people, especially those on coaches, and also by his completely random spinning. For no reason. He will be walking along normally one minute, and will occasionally do a few spins, then continue walking. He was in the paper recently. Some yobbos beat him up. I think the said paper described him as a "gentle giant".

Also, he once popped up at the window of my friend's house whilst we were having a party. Scared the life out of us. He left, spinning merrily.
(Malnourished TEALEAF!, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:05, Reply)

We have a few here...
Midway between Southend and Basildon.
We have the man in the hunting cap and milk-bottle glasses who sits next to girls on the bus up to college. He's about 50 and while not quite a kiddy-fiddler (the girls in question being over 16) is certainly deeply unnerving. He also smells.

The not-all-there lady with the not-all-there son who is around 12 and plays with toy trains continuously at the bus stop (he will drive them over anything in their path, including people sitting in the seats - he has the 'simple' look his mother, who accompanies him, has. It's quite sad really.

The weird old woman who will get on the bus occasionally and remark to anyone over the age of 30 how nice a day it is, then burst into fits of old-witch cackling for no reason at all. Obviously also a bit simple, but being rather scary I can't feel sorry for her.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:04, Reply)

Bucket Man
Once I was walking to get my lift to work via Boscombe, near Bournemouth - walking up one side of a small road bridge.

Suddenly, over the brow, came someone on a pushbike, with an old silver metal bucket on their head with a slit cut out so they could see!

I asked a woman nearby "Did I just see what I thought I saw!?" and she said "Oh, that's just Bucket Man". Apparently someone with a severe phobia of sunlight (due to a skin condition, though that might be myth). The bucket was real enough.
(BouncingAyatollah, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:00, Reply)

Oxford Norman Cook fan
Waiting for the bus in Oxford 2 weeks ago, I heard "fat boy slim is fucking in heaven, fucking in fucking in fucking in heaven"...first real quiet, and then real loud. The culprit turned out to be a 60 year old woman wearing a grubby floral print skirt and a grubby blouse from which hung her enormous flabby belly, and, as she gyrated up and down, her flabby grey breasts peeked into view. This turned out to be the only FatBoy Slim song she knew, and indeed the only verse of it, as she repeated it endlessly up and down the road, and was still doing it when I got on the bus.

The bus didn't come for 30 minutes.
(PummRa, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 16:59, Reply)

two randoms...
I organise a Drum & Bass night in a bar in Worthing, every now and then one of the regulars comes upstairs to have a rave with us. The bars owner calls him Jessica (I think his names Fletcher), and he has a piercing in the back of his neck. The guy dances like a loon and every so often strikes a kung fu pose and shouts so loud he drowns out the sound system. Friendly bloke tho...

Also, I saw the dodgiest transvetite ever in Occasions in Worthing the other night. Looked like a skinny goth freak had taken the night off listening to metal and put on a little black dress.. uuurrrghh..
(Grobie, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 16:50, Reply)