Projectile Blowing
On the morning after our arrival, her dad insisted on taking me on his daily tanker route, draining brine from oil well tanks all over the Permian Basin of West Texas. He insisted the only value of education was learning about petroleum engineering, but out on those vast, blasted plains, who could argue? Far from civilization, he had perfected a way of blowing his nose without tissues: projectile blowing - close a nostril and blow - that was remarkably effective for the well-trained. I try it now and again, but never having studied petroleum engineering, it always seems to backfire.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Wed 25 May 2005, 4:22, Reply)

sticky situation
The first time I nearly met my ex's folks, I had spent my first night with her at Uni (without making the beast with 2 backs unfortunately, just cuddling), and then in the morning I was happily feeding the pony, when the doorbell rang. We obviously ignored it, as we had more important matters at hand, when a flatmate knocked on the door and shouted that my gf's parents were outside! Cue mad panic, and my gf shouting that her room was a tip, and could her parents go for a quick walk outside, a likely excuse that they swallowed. As soon as they left, I quickly got dressed and legged it to my flat (next door). Later, she told me her mum joked that they wondered if she had a guy in the room with her...I actually met them a few weeks later after having done the dirty deed with the gf, nice folks they were too.
(theclown, Wed 25 May 2005, 4:08, Reply)

Jesus Frickin Hardcore
New Girlfriend.
We arrive at her aunty and Uncles place on Xmas eve. We crash for the night in their study - naked on a squab with a thin blanket.

Early in the morn. Knock Knock. It's her aunty - she needs to print her sermon, so she enters in her vicar outfit. SHE IS A FRIGGIN VICAR!

Then her uncle enters, needs a hand with his archbishops ouftit. He apologises for the intrusion but xmas day is their busiest day. HE IS AN ARCH-FRIGGIN BISHOP!!!

We continue to lie naked in the middle of the room under hardly any covering. Then her dad arrives, let's himself in and makes small talk, while i like buck naked next to his lovely daughter.

First time I met any of them. Thank god I never got a 'tent' on.
And I'm sure that the room stank of sex.
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Wed 25 May 2005, 2:23, Reply)

GF parents ? rule of thumb i avoid like the plague
when i was in my late teens, I met this girl at a talent contest where i was taking part.

I met up with her a week later. Myself being from london her from Reading , when i went to meet her in reading. i was offered a place to crash by her parents.

Expecting the sofa, i was pleasantly surprised to find out that she had made a bed in the g/F room, even more a bonus it was right next to her bed.

next morning, got up and went down to breakfast, where the whole family was sitting. whilst munching through my toast , her parents moved onto a "Lets talk about what you two did last night speech" expanding into how its perfectly natural for teenagers to have sex and how we should all now talk about it, and share it as a family moment!

It got weirder, her back garden was filled with doves that were multicoloured , her dad having something to do with dyes and animal testing.

dumped the bitch a week later, after i had cracked a couple of ribs playing rugby and she didnt believe me and procedded to punch me in the ribs to see if i was telling the truth.
(Chance1234 up for parole on, Tue 24 May 2005, 23:13, Reply)

Nice old boy...
Midnight. Pub to her front room. Parents sleeping directly above. House volume turned to max, each creek is deafening - we creep and fool around silently.

On leaving, attempt the stealth "slow-touch" technique to soundlessly turn on the hall light and rearrange clothes, locate shoes...

Said "light switch" - the panic button for the house alarm, floodlights the front of the house, sends out 1000 deicibel shriek and sends the father naked down the stairs to brain the intruder.

Didn't stay around for, or get offered, a cuppa. But did hugely enjoy the walk of shame, shoes (and underclothing) in hand, as each and every bedroom curtain twitched along her street.
(KS2, Tue 24 May 2005, 21:30, Reply)

not parents but...
...elder sister of 4 years (we were 16)... So i get invited back to my (then) girlfriends place after the 30 minute walk from college, "wa-hey!" i think, i'm in! We get slumped on the couch getting to know each other ; ) then her sister pays an unexpected visit from uni. She stroll into the living room and politeley exclaims..."oh, should I leave you two for hot, raunchy sex?"

This came as quite a surprise, as both of us had our Vplates, the girlfriend went red and looked down. i quietly nodded at the sister, smiling...

...she got the message and left :D
(lazy_alias, Tue 24 May 2005, 21:24, Reply)

My meeting of the parents.
One of my ex's had the craziest "parents" I've ever met. Her mum an ex-biker turned hippy and step-dad still a biker. After spending a night on the town with said ex she insisted that we stop at her house. This just had one problem I had yet to meet the parents. The meeting started so well, I was sober enough to smile politely and nod in an interested manner until the conversation was drawing to a close when her step dad blurts out "Well I guess you'll be wanting to get her to bed and fuck her ragged. Don't look so shocked I know what people your age get up to. ". Her mother had to add "Yeah, we were young once."
( The Doctor Why is it big and why is there grass?, Tue 24 May 2005, 21:15, Reply)

Women drivers
Driving round to meet the bird's folks for the first time, some whore pulled out in front of me on a roundabout. Cue a long blast of the horn, and me generally acting the tosser behind her for as long as she was ahead of me.

The ex thought it was a magical coincidence that we both arrived at her house at the same time, and blamed destiny or some other crap like that. Bloody hippy.
(TheJacksonSixth, Tue 24 May 2005, 20:33, Reply)

Abortion anyone?
I first met my ex girlfriends parents to discuss how I had managed to get her pregnant. enough said.

first post woo!
(haveyouseenmywife, Tue 24 May 2005, 19:33, Reply)

Stinky
A million years ago I drove to meet my first girlfriend's parents. On the way I required some fuel for my vehicle. On attempting to apply fuel nozzle to said vehicle I buggered it up and sprayed petrol about half a gallon of petrol down my legs. I spent the entire evening confined to the kitchen with the back door open with her and her parents shouting questions to me.

And this, gentlemen is my first posting on B3ta in probably two years. I'm back!

Shellgrip
(shellgrip, Tue 24 May 2005, 19:24, Reply)

Think visit to girlfriends house with parents
on site.Think 1st meeting.Think me offering to make cuppa tea.Think me leaving ring on cooker on with chip saucepan.Think lots of blah de blah chat while chippan starts fire. Think kitchen curtains ablaze and me and pops trying to put same out. Think that was last time I saw them and her.Think Firestarter. They did!
(shitstirrer, Tue 24 May 2005, 19:01, Reply)

It's all about the socks!
Way back, when I met my ex-husband's folks for the first time, his mum cooked a lovely meal. As we were all sitting around eating, we got onto the subject of airports, flying, travel etc......his stepdad came out with the classic line:
"Eeeh, you can't buy a decent pair of socks at any airport these days"

Eh?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 24 May 2005, 18:31, Reply)

When I met the parents
Was at my birds house for the first time (ex now, but not because of this) we where in the lounge on the settee, ever the clown i rocked back on the sofa grabbing the back of my legs and put a lighter to my arse, just as the burning ring of fire ignited her mother walked in with a tray full of sarnies and drinks to see my rear end lit up like the Beggining of Bonanza, she simply turned round and walked back in the kitchen without saying a word, bless her.
(toxicbograt, Tue 24 May 2005, 18:14, Reply)

Nice ass...
So there I am, a rather nervous young teenager in the home of his girlfriend. We're cuddling on the couch and you can tell each smile and touch is held disapprovingly by her parents.

They don't like the amount of time we're spending in the house (read : her bedroom) and suggest we go for a walk. My girlfriend walks out of the room to get coats and gloves from the closet under the stairs.

After a few minutes I get up and go find her, to see her bent over, digging something out of the closet. Never being one to miss such an invite, I grabbed her ass and squeezed. "Hey there sexy" I said.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend had gone upstairs to the toilet and it was her mother whose ass I now had in my hand.

Lets just say I don't think she was best pleased.

We never exchanged a word about it, but from that day forward there was a definate "mood" between us and the relationship didn't last much longer.

Certainly not the best way to impress the old folks.
(PrinceMong, Tue 24 May 2005, 17:27, Reply)

Ouch... and I thought I had suppressed this!
The first time my ex came to meet my family, she was very nervous as there is quite a large number of siblings. She is from the 3 kids, conservative catholic kind of family while my family… isn’t. Anyway, all is going well around the table and everyone is being polite as possible when a conversation about Udo’s oil comes up. My brother is saying how good it is for you and all but how it tastes gross. My sister pish poshed that saying he was a wimp and announced how delicious it was.

Cue her walking to the fridge, taking out the bottle and filling a soup spoon full. All of us were looking on in anticipation as we knew something momentous was about to happen. When that Udo’s oil hit my sister taste buds… the retching immediately started! She dived for the kitchen sink and proceeded to projectile vomit like I have never seen before. Naturally… we all thought this was the funniest thing we had ever seen and fell around the place laughing. The Ex just sat there with a look of horrification I only ever saw on her face whenever she hung out with my family!

Different worlds.
(Preacher, Tue 24 May 2005, 17:17, Reply)

When I met the parents
When I first met my girlfriends parents for a Sunday Roast, I had a sneaky De-Ja-Vu feeling that i'd met him before. Turns out he was the arresting sergeant taking my drunk details at the desk after getting caught nicking road signs a couple of years before.
(headlesschickun 'Simon says..... bend over', Tue 24 May 2005, 17:06, Reply)

doh
although not exactly a partner, met a bloke, night out, beer. Stay out. Enuff said. Anyway, fone call at work, its the mother. Do you know my son is only 16 years old....

well, i was only 18 myself...and he looked older. Oops.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Tue 24 May 2005, 16:42, Reply)

It's very dark in here.....
It was always going to be a bit awkward. My parents don’t say a lot at the best of times, and hardly leave the house much these days. The girl I had been seeing for the last week or so was absolutely terrified, and was always moaning. I know that a week isn’t that long, but I knew that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. The starter and main coarse pasted without a word uttered between them. I tried to lighten the atmosphere by tucking my penis between my legs and singing “I’m a lady, I’m a lady”. My Man-gina dancing did nothing to help. My parents just sat there slumped in their chairs, staring into space, and my girl just would’nt sit still, always squirming about on her seat. I asked my dad what he thought of my “bird”. He just buried his head in his desert. Always the drinker! My Mum was fine, till the dog snapped off her arm, then my girl started to cry and pissed herself. Disaster! I didn’t think it could get any worse, then police turned up. Untied and un-gagged my girl, and took my parents rotten corpses away. Oh how WE laugh about it now! Don’t WE? No, WE don’t. I do. Yes, but you’re a little odd. God, my teeth are itchy.
(goes back to drawing perfect circles in human excrement)
(Jeeves, Tue 24 May 2005, 16:29, Reply)

In a Hospital
I had met my g/f at the time in my first year at Uni. When I met her she told me she was epileptic but she had not had a fit in nearly two years. I went out one night and had left my phone on silent by accident, coming home in the taxi with some guys from my halls I check my phone and have 23 missed calls and answerphone msgs - and then the phone rang again and told me I had to go to A&E as she had just been admitted into hospital. She had had 5 fits just after I left to go out and 3 more before her parents had driven four hours to be there with her. They arrive and tell me how great I am for being there with her and that they had heard so much about me etc etc. After she had got better I sat down and had the "we need to have a talk" absolutely nothing to do with the epilepsy, just didnt like her much.
(multipac, Tue 24 May 2005, 16:22, Reply)

*Shame*
I was getting changed in my ex's bedroom and couldn't quite locate my bra. I was wandering around his room looking for it, not wearing very much AT ALL, when I suddenly saw a grey-haired, open-mouthed gentleman staring at me from the hallway... turns out my ex had forgotton to tell me that his Dad was staying with him, and had popped out to the shops.... with his own set of keys... so he let himself in and spotted me in all my nekkid glory rooting around looking for my missing undies. I slammed the bedroom door, got dressed, and sauntered out nonchalantly to introduce myself. He could never look me in the eye after that... the feeling was mutual!!

Another ex's father studiously ignored me throughout dinner the first time we met. I was feeling slightly miffed about it when I noticed that he was wearing a hearing aid and hadn't heard a bloody word I'd said.
(Mad McMad, Tue 24 May 2005, 16:18, Reply)

playing games
I had been going out with the g/f for about 3 months when I was invited round to her parents for Lunch. The first surprise was to se her mother doing dot-to-dot books. I realised later that was just about her mental limit. So we have the meal and her father challenges me to Scrabble. It seems he did that to all her boyfirends and always won - he fancied himself in that department. Anyhow games gets going and just about every other word I put down is challenged because he has never heard of it, but*all* are in the dictionary. Anyhow the final coup-de-grace was when I put down the word RHIZOMES on the bottom row. Two triple word scores, the Z on a double letter (or treble I forget which), and the bonus for getting rid of all my letters. Boy was he pissed. First time in years he had lost and he never offered to play again. I was even more pathetic because I married her 6 months later and it only lasted a year. (Mind you - I still think I should have married her sister who was gorgeous!).
(anthorin, Tue 24 May 2005, 15:52, Reply)

When I first my my fiancee's Mother
It all went swimmingly, we got on really well, and the good lady and I spent a very happy easter down there.

Feel free to replace positive nouns and adverbs with negative to create a more typical story.
(Light, Tue 24 May 2005, 15:49, Reply)

At least I know she'll age well...
A few months after Best Beloved and myself got together we were enjoying a housewarming party to celebrate her and her housemates moving into a place that wasn't a mouse infested hovel with a fungus problem.*

We were lying on the floor and, as is our wont, diseecting the various talent in the room and mischeviously discussing our desires with regard to each of them, when the door opened and a woman walked in.
Tall, pale skinned, elegant, long dark hair hanging down to her waist. Wearing a low cut red velvet dress and patent leather high heeled boots.
In short, utterly mouthwatering in a slightly goth styl-E.

So, allowing my eyes to run slowly up the seemly endless legs of this women I whispered to Best Beloved, "Who the hell is that ? She's gorgeous."

To get the distinctly amused reply, "That. Is my mother..."


Still together, Didn't sleep with her mum. Still tempted though.

*Yes they were students
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Tue 24 May 2005, 15:31, Reply)

It was like death warmed up
First time I met my first -ex's parents was about a year and a half after we started going out. She called me up to say they were all in hospital and she wanted me there... I arrived about 5 minutes before the doctor came along to say her mum had just died, then had to tag along while she and her dad and some random wailing aunt "said goodbye".

First time I met the parents, and first time I ever saw a dead body, all in the same 5 minutes.

I honestly didn't know what to say...
( dr_fonz, Tue 24 May 2005, 15:28, Reply)

First time I met the inlaws...
...well, I think they were the inlaws anyway, I couldn't really be sure as they didn't smell particularly like the missus.

Also met the 6 brothers of the missus, sure that was nice. Ended up having a scrap with one of them, we ended up tearing each others ears, not very nice. But no-one semmed to mind.

Mrs. Inlaw surved up some raw fish heads for dinner, which were suprisingly nice, even with nothing to drink but milk.

Ended the evening with a big piss up the wall of the cardboard box they were living in, under a railway arch.

Quite a good night really, but I am a feral cat.
(My cat poos in shoes, Tue 24 May 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Scrabble
Second time I met her folks, sitting round after dinner having a game of Scrabble with her dad, the Brigadier.

Guess who couldn't resist the 40+ points for 'QUIM' on a triple word score, thus dishing out a humiliating defeat and reminding him what I was about to do to his daughter.
(BPM, Tue 24 May 2005, 14:13, Reply)

embarrasing old's..
Always too embarrased as a teenager to admit I had boyfriends to my parents, I finally bit the bullet and brought one home for the old's to meet when I was 19. As far as they were concerned he was my first.

He was a good-looking, respectable 24yr old - I figured he would pass any test they might have.

So, he's sat on the couch fielding their questions with ease and charm when Mum excuses herself and leaves the room. Dad, bf and I carry on talking and suddenly we're being blinded by flashes of light. I could hear the familiar sound of a camera winding itself on.

me: "what the hell are you doing?"
mad ma: " sorry *bf*, but *girliebitz* has never brought home a boy for us to meet - this is so exciting, I have to take photo's of the occasion... could you just sit next to *girliebitz*? "

cue: us leaving quicksmart & me telling ma it wouldn't be happening again. 11yrs, several relationships later she's still waiting to meet the next one
(girliebitz, Tue 24 May 2005, 13:46, Reply)

Drugs + Curry
During my university days (back when I was a lad. Well.. 3 years ago) I was quite into clubbing and taking a few pills on a night out. My gf at the time really wasnt in to it but didnt mind that I was.

One weekend at my parents gave me a call saying that they were going to be in the area the following sunday and would like to take me and my new girlf out for a curry (used to live in Rusholme in Manchester for those who know). The evening before this curry I had tickets for a big night at Gatecrasher in Sheffield where I took a few too many drugs.

Cue the next morning when my parents come over. Im in a massive comedown state, having to eat a curry (for those of you who dont know, in that state eating anything is hard, let alone a Jalfrezi) and having to try to make conversation for my parents and new girlf. Both failed, I was sitting there feeling rough whilst my parents and girlf had to talk (now what have they in common... me?).

When I got back from that meal I got a battering so so so much from the missus. But hey, it was a grand night out!!

Stayed with her for 3 years after that and my parents eneded up loving her (I think more than me at times) so I must have done something right.
(Robble, Tue 24 May 2005, 13:38, Reply)

Her mum was nicer
I was seeing this girl, not the best looking but i wasn't picky at that time. I went round her house for dinner one day. They were clearly very well off. it was a big house. Her dad was quite old and the mum was much younger and quite a lot better looking than my bird.
Anyway we had a nice meal and got on quite well with lots of small talk. afterwards the dad and girl cleared the dishes and washed up. this was through two closed doors from the dining room.

Much to my suprise her mum started flirting with me. She then suggested that i came over the next day to "see to her". i thought she was testing my loyalty, so i said this. She said "you want proof?" she quickly slipped under the table un did my flies and gave my cock (by now harder than a coffin nail) a few sucks and a rub.

The rest of the evening went ok and i explained that i had to go home.
Gave her mum a wink on the way out.

The next day i turned up to see her mum as we had arranged and she dragged me upstairs and we had fantastic sex.

Needless to say i didnt see the girl again.
But i did shag her mum a couple more times.
(pkittoe, Tue 24 May 2005, 12:28, Reply)

My dad is ex-special forces
A few years ago, I took my then g/f on a short holiday to meet my parents in the Midlands. That same day there was a news story about a guy who had gone nuts and shot his ex girlfriend dead with an AK47, in a hospital car park.

When we got to my parents house it turned out my dad was watching that story on TV.

They mentioned the killer’s name. It turned out my dad knew him.

They mentioned he was ex-special forces. It turned out my dad had *trained* him.

They mentioned that his burst of AK47 fire had resulted in 18 hits. “Good grouping!” my dad said.

“Hi dad, this is Icky*”

Later that night she waited until we were in bed together to tell me that she was sleeping with someone else. This was ok in her world as, in her own words, she had “met him before I knew you”.

I remember lying awake and thinking “If I kill her, will my dad shop me or help me cover it up?”


*Not her name, but honestly descriptive once all the facts were in.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Tue 24 May 2005, 12:20, Reply)