that bank one reminds me of one a friend told me
Her uni lecturer, who's Spanish, was in England and went into a bank to make a deposit. The bank teller was shocked to hear him declare that "I want to put some money into my cunt."
(OnionTerror is a bag full of sick, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 17:00, Reply)

working in a bank...
... I work in a bank (in the UK), and some american tourists were at one of our ATMs. making eye contact with one of them I'm greeted with "Hey, come over here can you help us, we dont know what to do". Me thinking 'oh, they probably have entered the wrong PIN number or something', I walk over to them to see a screen showing a Spanish flag, German flag, French flag and a British flag... "which one translates it into American?" they ask... idiots!!

Misunderstadning, or stupidity about which language they speak in America?
(kyuoyoo, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 16:39, Reply)

another from uni
I was sitting on the front row in the lecture hall, not listening to the lecturer as usual. Then I heard her say something that I didn't agree with and put up my hand to open a discussion about whatever it was not being valid for certain reasons. When I finished, it was all quiet (about 200 people there). I realised I hadn't heard the context of what she was saying and I was talking about something totally unrelated.
"Erm, never mind. Sorry."
(OnionTerror is a bag full of sick, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Wimpy
I was in a Wimpy with my mate back before they were Burger King (you know what I mean..) and the best thing you'll remember about them is they had table service. The young, rather saucy (but disinterested) waitress comes over to take our order.

Her: Hi, what can I get you?
Me: Uhh, Large Cheeseburger, Fries and a Coke.
Her: Small, Medium or Large?
Me looking at her funny: No, a Coke.

Cue her looking at my mate, then me.. I still don't understand what's up. Concerned, I reply "I didn't ask for Sparkling Orange.. I want a Coke!"

More strange looks until my mate says, "Get a large."
(kna has forgotten everything., Sun 9 Oct 2005, 16:25, Reply)

When my girlfriend was at a training day, I was just wondering around Bath
when I found out the trains are a bit.. fucked (anyone who travels on that Bristol - Portsmouth line will know what I mean; I get a coach instead until they're done). I needed £10 to get home, and I knew her Mum (who I get on very well with ^^) was in town - so I gave her a ring. No answer, fair-enough I thought- she's driving home!

Later on - my phone rings - and it's my girlfriend, odd I think - she's still in her training thing (which she'd been terrified about, especially phones going off and things). She says "Uh hi, you rang me?". And I panic. Oh dear oh dear do I panic. It takes about two minutes of apoligising for me to realise;

1. My Girlfriend sounds very much like her Mum

2. Her Mum had called me from home, and in my panic I'd failed to see the "home phone" icon next to my girlfriend's name when she called me. Not her mobile.

3. That I'd made myself look a little bit silly.

:(
( stevierar, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 15:16, Reply)

Weirdest wrong number ever
I got a call that was so entirely random. it went something like this:

phone] *ring*
me] *picks up phone* Hello?
her] Hey! is that Carrie?
me] Uh, yes it is...
her] Hey! it's Tracey! Hi! How are ya?
me] Weh?
her] Great! Listen, how much do you reckon we'd need to start a yoga group?
me] Wha?
her] It'll be great! I'll do a class on Tuesdays and you can do one on Thursdays!
me] Uhhh... Wait - who do you want to talk to?
her] Is that Carrie?
me] Yeah, it is - but i think you've got the wrong number...
her] This is Carrie, yeah?
me] Yes, my name is Carrie, but i think you've rung the wrong number.
her] Huh?
me] my name is Carrie, but I don't think you want to talk to me. You have the wrong number. You want a different Carrie.
her] oh, I thought you were Carrie. Can I speak to Carrie please?
me] no, I am Carrie but you have the wrong number, Carrie's not here.
her] oh. When will she be back?
me] she won't be back, you have the wrong number.
her] but this is Carrie's number, yeah?
me] no, it's MY number! you have the wrong number!
**INSERT LONG RAMBLED DIALOGUE CONSISTING OF ME TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO HER THAT I'M NOT THE PERSON SHE WANTS TO TALK TO** Finally:
her] Ohhhhh! Oh I'm sorry! i must have the wrong number!
me] That's okay, no problem.
her] Do you have Carrie's number?
me] Uhhhh... No....
her] Oh. *pause* Do you know how I can get hold of her?
me] Uh... no... because she's YOUR friend.
her] Oh. *pause* Is Dale there?
me] No. *puts phone down*
( Seventh is somewhat subdued, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 14:46, Reply)

I hate using the phone.
Calling up a mate for the first time, I was unaware that he was named after his father.

Otopski: "Hey, can I speak to Robert G?"
Father: "Speaking."
Otopski: "Err... [pause] Robert G?"
Father: "Yes, who is speaking?"
Otopski: [Utterly confused] "Uhh... Otopski... Are you sure you're Robert G?"
Father: [impatient] "Look, what is this about?"
Otopski: [whimpering] "I just want to talk to Robert..."
Father: "Oh, are you calling for my son?"

Parents who name their kids after themselves are cunts.

Edit: Oh crap, I've just remembered, in the same vein as Equalizor's post... Phoning up my girlfriend, apologising and generally blubbering. This continuing for about a minute until I hear the bemused words from girlfriend's mother "...Do you want to speak to L?"

Damn their identical voices!
(You're kidding me., Sun 9 Oct 2005, 14:28, Reply)

Smashie And Nicie
I think I'm in love with Stusut79. Damn him and his dali-esque ramblings. More I say, more!

Anyway, back to the QOTW.

Back in the 90's my mate Mike and I were avid fans of Harry Enfields television programme.

We knew most of the sketches, all of the catch phrases and often used them as amusing fillers in general conversation.

Cue me ringing him up one day, and saying in my best Smashie and Nicey voice "Hello mate...I don't know about you, but I do like a nice cup of tea!!!"

The voice at the other end of the phone said "I think you must want Michael, I'll go get him..." I'd forgotten just how alike him and his dads voices were.

If the carpet could have swallowed me up, I'd have been oh, so grateful.

As it was I just managed an "Ahem...thanks..."

Length joke? It ain't no joke! Then again, it ain't no length.

Equalizor
(Equalizor, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 14:21, Reply)

I don't speak Geordie
While at Leicester uni, I was chatting to some mates about clubs to try out there. My Geordie mate told me about about one called "Orshan".
What? What does that mean? Orshan? The closest I could guess was that he was talking about Horsham, a small town in Surrey, which is a bit far to go clubbing.
Luckily, another mate translated for me and said in English, it's called "Ocean."
(OnionTerror is a bag full of sick, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 14:21, Reply)

Once my mate walked into Burger King
And asked for a Big Mac.

They said Mcdonalds was round the corner.

He said, "Oh."
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 13:57, Reply)

Cake
When I was a kid my ma made us a special cake one Sunday afternoon which we'd been looking forward to all day. When it came out of the oven and colled down enough, we all had a slice and found it to be totally uneatable 'cos it made our eyes water.

Turns out that when she'd seen the words "grate a little nutmeg" in the recipe, she'd taken all her nutmegs out of the store, picked the smallest one (a little nutmeg) and grated the whole thing into the mix.

How we laughed.
(lolwhites, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 13:32, Reply)

True story
Many years ago my younger brother (aged two at the time) decided it would be a good idea to swallow a screw whilst my dad was doing some DIY.

Much distress ensued not helped by him spitting up chunks of blood. Fast forward to local accident and emergency department where we are seen by very kind and very indian paediatric doctor who agrees that my brother should be admitted for observation. He then goes up to the paediatric ward to tell the nurses about the new admission who swallowed a screw.

Fast forward some more to a group of nurses coming down to a&e to see the 2 year old boy who has swallowed a squirrel! HAHA much mirth directed at the doctor with the Indian accent and disappointment from the nurses who expected some bushy tailed rat to be hanging out my bro's mouth.
(Lurchio, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 12:28, Reply)

LMAO!!!
When I was about 4 my uncle came round once while my parents were out shopping.

"Untle!! I is huuuuungwy!!" I cried. So he went into the kitchen to make me some cereal. As he came in stirring the bowl he sat me on his lap and said "Here comes the choo-choo train!" so I opened my mouth like a good boy.

So you can imagine how embarrassing it was when he began penetrating my tiny rectum with his haggered old penis. He didn't mean my mouth!! And the "cereal" was actually KY jelly... D'oh!!

How we laughed as he explained he would kill my parents if I ever told them.
(soma9766, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 11:17, Reply)

Garden in a Bottle
I'm now reminded of an incident that took place when I would have been 10 years old and my sister 9. We were in town with my mum in December and my sister whispered to me, "What'll we get mummy for Xmas?". I replied quietly so mum couldn't hear, "A Garden in a Bottle", having seen a rather nice big round shaped, green coloured bottle thing which had some cacti and other plants in it. My sister said "OK", then 5 mins later said to me , "What's a curn in a futtle?"
i still slag her off about this, similarly the ice cream cone incident I mentioned previously.
(garrison, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 10:47, Reply)

On a school trip to London
I'd managed to claim the back seat of the minibus with my friends.

As we approached the Science Museum, my teacher spotted a reasonably convenient parking space. However, unfamiliar as he was with driving a minibus, he struggled to cope with the size of the vehicle, the reduced visbility and the weight of the steering at low speeds.

After a couple of aborted attempts to maneuver into the space I can only assume he was starting to lose patience and had decided to try a variation of the courier driver's trick for quick parallel parking.

Now the courier's trick is to drive forward into a space at a sharp angle and when the nearside front wheel has gone up onto the pavement turn the steering wheel quickly so that the vehicle straightens out into the space, with the wheel dropping back onto the street.

My teacher decided to try this technique, but instead chose to reverse into the space. As this would result in one of the rear wheels going up onto the pavement and since rear visiblity was so restricted he called out for assistance:
"Someone look out the back and tell me if there's anything in the way."

I dutifully looked out of the rear window and responded:
"There's a couple of meters behind us."

I can only guess that my teacher was glowing with pride that one of his pupils had so readily embraced metrification as he reversed and, as the rear wheel mounted the pavement, came to an abrupt halt as the back of the bus struck the two parking meters that I had been trying to warn him about.

Much hilarity ensued over his misunderstanding of the difference between two metres and two meters!
(SpittyWoonerism, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 10:30, Reply)

maybe you had to be there . . .
When I was a nipper my family went to Germany to visit my uncle who was in the RAF based at Laarbruch. One very hot day we went to visit a nearby zoo and on spying an ice cream van, my sister approached it and in her finest Scottish said "Foo much is yer cones?" to which the German gentleman replied "Coca-Cola?".
Cue me, mum and dad pissing our pants in laughter.
(garrison, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 10:03, Reply)

Mums and motorbikes
My mum told me about a couple at her work who ride a Honda Bluebell and Honda Translap.
(badseeds, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 2:14, Reply)

Thar she blows!!
About 7 years ago, me and my girlfriend came home drunk from a fancy dress party where we had been both dressed as pirates. For some reason my girlfriend decided to go on the treadmill in my room.

Halfway through her run, my girlfriend started shouting the classic pirate phrase "Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight!" but in my drunken stupor I thought she said "Increase it to eight!", so I duly did so.

Not expecting the sudden speed increase, my girlfriend was catapulted into the upstairs banister, knocking herself out. I then had to get my neighbour to drive us both to casualty in full pirate regalia.....

It was about a week before I could speak to her again...
(knife_of_justice, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 0:26, Reply)

Arf, Barf
Me: "Ai goig arf"
Dentist: "Laugh? What's so funny?"
Me: "Ai se ai goig arf"
Dentist: "Arf? Dogs?"
Me: "Ai..."

Arf I did. Arf wioth a "B" infront. All over myself. Thank god for plastic bibs down at the good old dentists. The pump that collects spit and what not was shoved half way down my throat (almost).
(s_nails, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 23:53, Reply)

lucky thing my mother reminded me of this story
me VERY small in the back of the car with my mother,"mummy whats a cunt",she said she was sorry but she didnt hear me so i repeated,"whats a cunt",she became very figity and said shed never herd the word before,then she proceded to ask where id herd it,"well mummy you were talking about julie(a friend from austria)and you said she came from a different cunt-tree".i dont know why i though that it mustve made sence back then
(ruku87, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 20:35, Reply)

pid jins !
up until the age of about .... 13 ... I was aware of two types of pigeon. you've got your wood pigeon and your clay pigeon.

obv, the wood pigeon lives in teh woods, where wood comes from and the clay pigeon lives in teh quarry, where clay comes from.

simple, innit ?
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 19:25, Reply)

Children
A 6 year old boy in my class told everyone that deaf people have to wear ear grenades.
(khd, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 18:52, Reply)

Major Life Changing Misunderstanding
I applied for a job in the wrong town. They have similar names. 6 years later i still work in the wrong town.
(khd, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 18:30, Reply)

Americans...
When I was about 12, we went to Florida on holiday. There was an American kid about my age staying in the same hotel, and we became friends.

One day we decided to play a game of pool. We set up the table, and he took the break.

He potted one of each type of ball. He then said "Salads."

"Huh?" was my reply. "Salads" he said again.

It took about 5 minutes, but I finally realised he meant "solids"... as in "I will play with the non-striped balls"...

_{We'd always referred to them as stripes and spots, as the solid ones had a spot with a number in... (ok, so did the ones with stripes, but still...)}
( calibrax loves teh hamsters (not in that way), Sat 8 Oct 2005, 16:27, Reply)

Pilot error, very expensive
"Full power, 65kts, V1, engine T's and P's steady" the co-pilot tells me, "75kts, V2, T's and P's look good" and now I'm waiting for the '90 kts, rotate' call, but glancing over at him, he looks sad and not overly alert.
"Cheer up" I tell him. He automatically reaches over and pulls the undercarriage leaver up, followed by about 15 seconds of rapid and heart renching desceleration, grinding metal, sparks and ear splitting noise. Air accident investigation's conclusion. "Cheers up" and "Gear up" sound similar. No Shit.
(anotheradam, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 15:37, Reply)

My mum...
...works as a secondary school teacher in Liverpool. She told me about one time (teaching CDT-type stuff) when the class was having a bit of a project primer/brainstorm thing about toys for the disabled.

She opened with 'So, what kind of toy or game do you think would be suitable for a child who has a disability?', to be answered by one lad at the back of the class with 'Fuck-all'. My mum went into an immediate indignant fit and told the visibly nonplussed lad to get out of the room and wait until she came to deal with him.

She left him there for ten minutes until she had the rest of them ticking over and then went outside to mercilessly bollock him - my eldest brother had cerebal palsy, y'see, and in addition to having a profound effect on his ability to get about and communicate like a regular joe, it was a major factor in him passing away in his mid-30's so such issues are quite close to our hearts. The fact that this lad swore in class basically forgotten because of this, she really did rip into him. She gave him the works, saying that he can't go through life viewing people like that, how would he feel, he couldn't live a day in thier shoes, he should be ashamed and so on. To his credit he waited until she had finished and then said in his scouser-than-scouse accent, 'But I don't get you miss - I reckon after thinking that not all disabled can make use of one, but what's wrong with a football?'

A school teacher honestly apologising to a pupil is a rare thing - never happened to me when I was a pupil, anyway :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 15:13, Reply)

The greatest plane journey in the world....
Maybe that should be most embarrassing. Pull up a chair, it's a long one I'm afraid.

The initial torment was making the mistake of being a fifteen year old boy. It plays havoc on the hormones and all manner of strange things can happen. As a random example, say, the vibration of a plane giving you the most persistent erection known to man. Now this is of course hideable unless three key things come into conjunction.
1. You're flight is nine hours long, your mother told you to wear something comfortable and you chose very thin track suit bottoms.
2. You checked in very early and are sitting right at the front of the plane. That means in front of about 200 other passengers.
3. Your cousin insists, what with you being tall, that you put her bag in the overhead compartment RIGHT NOW.
The result of this is me, not only standing but actually stretching, accentuating even further the blantant erection tenting out the front of my track suit bottoms to an alarming proportion in front of 200 total strangers.

Get in!

Can this flight get worse? Of course it can, I haven't got to the misunderstanding yet.

So a couple of hours later and my ears are popping like a bugger causing me no end of pain and annoyance. It's at this time a stewardess approaches me and, thrusting a food tray in my direction, says, what I'm pretty sure, is "Muhmeemuumoo?" At this point I'm starving so nod enthusiastically giving no thought to the fact that no one around me is being served.

I look down at the tray to see a mound of salad which leaves me slightly disappointed. No where near as disappointed, however, as the realisation that the same stewardess is now talking to an angry man sitting just across the aisle from me who is loudly remonstrating with her. Apparently he's a vegetarian and the stewardess is very sorry but they appear to be one vegetarian meal short on this flight. A rather large penny drops in my head.

I of course just turn bright red and shit myself at the thought of two public humiliations in one day when I point out my mistake to the stewardess. My loving brother has twigged as to what's going on and is trying not to laugh out loud in the seat beside me. The bloke across from me is now very angry indeed. Suddenly I am blessed by the ghost of cool (a very rare occurance in my life).

I calmly tapped the stewardess on the shoulder and told her I'd overheard their arguement and said I was only a vegetarian for health reasons, not any kind of beliefs, so I'd be happy to give up my meal for this man and eat the regular stuff. She looked at me with a faceful of such thankfulness I thought my guilt would make me die.

She gave the man my meal and I relaxed in the glow of kudos. Shortly she returned and gave me not only my normal food but a little model of a plane by way of a thank you. My guilt hit fever pitch and then was quickly followed by an altogether more terrifying thought. Surely there would be a list of passengers on the plane who had ordered a vegetarian meal and surely I wouldn't be one of them.

I spent the next five hours sweating with the guilt and worry of being found out. When we landed I barged people out of the way to get off the plane first and away from the thankful smile of the stewardess. As a touch of karma, being that I was off the plane about five minutes before my brother he said I missed them talking about me. To this day I've never been sure but he must have made this bit up, he just must have done.

As he walked out of the door he swears one of the other stewards asked the captain for the little model plane for a friend, the captain explained they'd already given it away to "that veggie kid with the hard on who gave up his meal".
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 8 Oct 2005, 15:02, Reply)

Your dog will be shot
I was staying with my Italian friend in Rome a couple of years ago, and she was talking about her imminent trip to Sardinia with her parents and dog, Lara.

"I'm really looking forward to it," she said, "But I'm worried about Lara with the sheep."
"Oh yes," I replied, imagining her concern about her over-excitable dog chasing the no doubt numerable sheep in the Sardinian countryside, "You know if your dog is running around doing that in England, it could be shot."

My friend gasped in horror and confusion and told her mother what I had just said, who also looked at me with a look that clearly wondered what kind of barbaric nation I lived in.

Turned out she was worried about the dog getting sea-sick... on the ship. I was too embarrassed to explain.
(Topoana, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 14:57, Reply)

Last one just reminded me

of when I was in Budapest staying with friends. One of them had a birthday so I went to the local mall to get her a new cd. After perusing for a sufficient amount of time I made my choice and went to the till.

Hungarian is hard as fuck so I said (handing over cd and vaguely gesticulating):

"Nem tudom Magyarul (I don't speak Hungarian), could you wrap this for me please?"

The bloke looked at me with extreme nervousness and seemed completely at a loss for the few English words he had at his command.

"Please, I... I don't know how, but rap section iss overr therre..."
.
(roysin, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 14:52, Reply)

A toast
Misunderstanding phrases seems to be a familly trait for my lot. At another large family gathering my brother, with all the pomp and ceremony a nine year old can muster, stopped everyone in their tracks saying he wanted to make a toast. Everyone turned to look at him acting all cute and he suddenly turned into a rabbit caught in the headlights. As panic flooded his brain he mumbled something about thanking them all for coming and then finished with a flourish by raising his glass of coke and happily shouting "UP YOURS!"

I was still laughing as he was dragged away by the ear, it wasn't until I heard the smacking sounds coming from the kitchen that I made the mental link. He of course meant to say 'bottoms up' and just got a little confused. Oh the irony.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 8 Oct 2005, 14:15, Reply)