150 MPH in a Ford Probe. Death was certain, but I survived somehow. Can't say the same for the car.

(drunksteve is not drunk, Mon 19 May 2014, 5:18, 1 reply)

Cheap drill
rubbish story with no punchline but a few months I bought a really cheap drill but after only a few goes on it, the part which grips the drill bit exploded, sending pieces of steel rushing past my face.
I now intend to spend at least twice as much (£20) on my next one. Boy have I learnt my lesson.
(snarf81, Sun 18 May 2014, 21:56, 7 replies)

Had a good few of these, mostly motorcycle related.
Probably the most memorable was having my front tyre blow out after hitting a smashed bottle at 140mph+. German motorway, before you ask. I highsided the bike trying to save it and somehow came out of that unscathed, then slid down the road (thank the lord for leathers; if you're gonna lose skin on the tarmac, make sure it's not yours) watching the crash barriers getting inexorably closer. My feet against the barrier stopped me, at approximately the same time I realised that I now had 170kg of originally expensive metal and plastic chasing me. The bike itself was going end-over-end and somehow managed to bounce over me, the rear wheel clipped my shoulder.

When it's not your time, its not your time.

No Otters were harmed.
(m.auron, Sun 18 May 2014, 19:24, 2 replies)

Avril Lavigne in near dearth of celebrity news stories.
www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2631418/Avril-Lavigne-poses-bikini-South-America-reveals-shes-sick-past-two-weeks.html

Sorry, no otters.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sun 18 May 2014, 15:13, 7 replies)

hitching a lift with a perv who put his car into a scary spin. Oh and Jeebus. Lots of Jeebus.
I may have told this story before.

Back in my scary eyed evangelical days, I was hitching back from Nottinghamshire to Devon. A bloke stopped to pick me up, saying he could take me a little way down the motorway. He was decidedly odd, but as far as I was concerned Jesus had my back (eish!) so I'd be fine.

Then odd bloke kept putting his hand on my leg. I'd look down, firmly remove his hand and tell him nicely to stop it, then he'd do it again, only a bit further up. At this point we were on the motorway so I couldn't very easily get out.

Then he asked me what my God would do if he drove me to some remote place and raped and killed me. He really did. Why at this point I wasn't bricking it I don't know. I just replied that he'd really better not, because God was looking after me big time, and he'd protect me one way or other. Good job I believed it, because this guy was obviously a bit simple, and he started to believe it too.

But then he tried to touch me up again, at which point the bus in front braked suddenly. He wasn't concentrating on the road, but rather on my leg (honestly, I don't think my legs are _that_ special) and belatedly slammed his brakes on. This resulted in the car screeching round in a spin. It felt like it span round about three times, but it may have been just the once. We somehow ended up unharmed on the hard shoulder.

At this point I should have got out and run off, but instead I just looked at him and said "see - you'd better leave me alone!" with a smug expression on my face. I didn't even look or feel frightened (maybe partly because I couldn't drive, so didn't really know how scary that had been) while he was shaking and sweating like, well, a perv. But this time it was in terror.

Then he broke down, apologised repeatedly and said he'd never really intended to rape and kill me - he was married and just a bit messed up. I forgave him (as you do when you're a manic evangelical) and told him he needed Jesus to sort him out, and he was so sorry he drove me all the way to Exeter without trying to feel me up once, crying and repenting. As I got out of the car, I firmly told him he needed to get is life in order, and strolled off.

Thinking back, I realise how fucking stupid I was, getting in his car in the first place, and also not just breaking his fucking fingers when he was trying to fondle me, then getting out and reporting him to the police. I really hope that something in him did change (even if he did go to the Jeebus crowd) and that he didn't kill and rape some other hitcher who was less persuasive.

But at the time I had the arrogance to think that despite all the shite that goes on in the world, Gawd almighty was looking out especially for yours truly because I'd been praying and was doing his work. It took me an embarrasingly long time to figure out that it's all a pile o' shite, but I did in the end thank fuck!

And look - it wasn't all a build up to a daft pun or anything!
(teasus likes tea, Sun 18 May 2014, 13:17, 6 replies)

Fuck near death. All ya need is some fat bitches and donuts. werd.

(drunksteve is not drunk, Sun 18 May 2014, 5:58, 1 reply)

I should be dead already.
I can only sleep in the car if I'm driving.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 18 May 2014, 2:13, Reply)

I should have died in a fiery crash.
I accidentally left my cell phone on while the plane was taking off.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 18 May 2014, 2:12, 1 reply)

Many years ago before mobile phones I had a pager which I had left at work, upon realising this I decided to ride my trusty Mt500 at a great pace (I could've missed a MASSIVE DRUGS deal had I not) back too my place of employment to collect said pager, unfortunately a Muntjac deer decided that life wasn't worth the effort and threw itself into my path causing me to crash quite spectacularly, probably,having realised I wasn't dead I managed to kick start the mt and get myself the the Dr's, a few stitches later and a couple of weeks of walking like a retard and all was well , 'till today when I finally gave in and went to a&e because my knee had been giving me grief , turns out I'd broken my kneecap and the stray bit of bone had finally made it's presence felt, Massive drugs? at least a quarter
(perturbed monkey, Sun 18 May 2014, 0:52, 2 replies)

Firemen had to cut me free from my Cosy Coupe after I was involved in a Little Tikes pile-up

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 17 May 2014, 14:47, 3 replies)

Alcohol / cars / MASSIVE DRUGS / and also shitting myself
Friday night, hometown, out to the local fat slag whaling club in my home town. Club kicks out at 2am and we meander back to my friends house not so far away. The partying continues various other people who have been in other venues arrive including a friend we shall just call "C".

About 4am and we are running low on massive drugs, so we decide to take a walk to the local dealers palace after giving him a little tinkle, of course he is awake, when C offers instead to drive me there. A very drunken and at this point in time made from adamantium SpanishFly decides that's a great idea. It's a 10 minute walk 2 minutes in the car after all.

On the way to the palace there is a stretch of road that is notoriously bad, with a canal on one side of it and terraced houses and parked cars the other, the road is kinda snakey, we are going far far far too fast when I hear these words "FLY FLY FLY WE'RE GONNA CRASH" and then we got a parked car head on doing about 50mph, and I ladies and gentlemen did not have my seat belt on. The car came to rest upside down some 40 feet away from the initial impact, I was, quite amazingly, still in the passenger side of the car. The first thing I noticed was that all of my teeth have been knocked out, I know this because I can feel them all in my mouth, I have a mouthful of broken teeth. I start to spit them out to see that they are chunks of glass and in fact all my teeth are intact. The second thing I notice is severe pain in my right leg, broken ankle severe soft tissue damage the works.

I see "C" making a run for it and telling me to run, it's at this point I realise how totally fucked my leg is and that I have indeed shat myself. Badly. So I strip off clean up with my boxers, lob em, and put my pants back on and try and make a break for it....which I don't.

He police later told me that I was probably the luckiest bloke alive, something to do with the g force and the way the car spun and flipped pinned me (for the most part) into the car seat. However when we went to see the car before it was crushed there was a very distinctive open mouthed face shape in the window screen on the passenger side of the SpanishFly, and just there on the passenger seat were some dirty cunts shit stained pacman boxers.

EDIT JUST FOR THE LOVELY STUJ: tl;dr - crashed as a passenger, should have died, shat myself
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 17 May 2014, 8:12, 8 replies)

This day and age, any near D'earth experience has to be your own fault
Two incidents stand out for me.
1. Years ago I had a 250cc motorcycle with utterly crap lights, they were good enough for a dark lane but with any oncoming vehicle I couldn't see my own headlamp illumination at all. I then had the idea that if it was late at night I could ride pretty much as I wanted to because I could always see oncoming headlights from half a mile away. Then one night I was tearing along the backroad, cutting a right hand corner by some degree when - you've guessed it - a car came the other way... with dim headlights. I swear I was headed right for the grill, swerved away to the left and somehow missed the vehicle which presented me with the next hazard - the nearside hedge. Again I avoided this by inches although it was by far the preferred object to hit. What a fucking idiot.
2. Delivery work resulted me driving a Transit somewhere in Berkshire in the middle of winter. The roads were wet but without frost, however a rare result of freezing fog earlier on had coated trees with a good half inch of thick frost. The temperature had gone up in the day, the frost had dropped off and this resulted in about 6-12 inches of slush directly below trees overhanging the road. I hit this at 70mph and the van went entirely sideways, I fully turned the steering wheel into the skid, then the van went back onto wet tarmac and lurched violently toward tipping over before straightening up under control. Then I went into another slush pile, just going a little slower but still way out of control again, same sort of panic but to my amazement never rolled the vehicle.

TL:DR RTA's that should've happened.
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Fri 16 May 2014, 22:36, 3 replies)

I observed Thora Hird in the shit hotel with pretentions way above it's station in Leeds. She was walking
with a friend and she tripped. She recovered and stated to her friend that she nearly died going through the plate glass window. She was about 3 metres away from said plate glass window. She died though, and Alan Bennett shed a tear but he otter know better.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 16 May 2014, 21:56, Reply)

My mother got married. She had the nee D'eath experience.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 16 May 2014, 21:48, 4 replies)

How hum
Was on M25 getting home from work.
Just on the Dartford bridge when there was mass pile up in front, I hit the brakes and missed the anal encounter.
Like in slow motion in my rear view multiple cars slammed into each other, human centipede style.
Then BANG! I was then joined to the centipede and smashed up through the rear of the car in front.
3 Wheels left on the ground, glass blown out everywhere, pissing blood.

I remember not a lot other than being dragged from the car by a Police officer and some guys shouting 'You Cunt' at me from a minibus.

Shoved into hospital and exited some time after, fucked my neck, back and knees, otherwise ok.
(Master_Slob UK minister for cultural appropriation., Fri 16 May 2014, 18:53, 9 replies)

I was at the bar in the Rock Royalty ghetto at Sonisphere a few years back.
Dave Mustaine was stood just to the right of me.
So that was my near 'Deth experience.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 16 May 2014, 16:13, Reply)

Where's the famous George! this week?
Surely he's been close to drowning in poon on many an occasion.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 16 May 2014, 14:14, 13 replies)

Once as a lad on a Scout Jamboree (a big international camp) I got a ticket to go gliding.
After my go, I was stood next to this huge Swedish older Venture Scout (or whatever they have) watching the winch they used to launch the gliders. It was basically an articulated lorry cab sat on the back of another lorry cab, to drive it around. The one on top had the cab facing backwards and a big winch drum on either side where its back wheels should be.

The wire cable is run out to the glider, hooked on, then the clutch released and the winch winds the wire in. It picks up the tension in the wire, yanks the glider forward, and at some point it picks up enough speed to take off. The pilot releases the cable as he passes overhead, and a little parachute stops the steel buckle on the end of the wire dropping fast enough to crack someone's skull. At least, that's the plan.

When the wire snaps, however, there's nothing to stop the tension in several hundred yards of wire whipping back half the length of the runway, over the winch, and lashing a two-inch-deep gouge in the tarmac a few feet to my right. To this day my parents don't know how awfully close I came to going home in two rather slender but very separate boxes.
( joefish It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks, Fri 16 May 2014, 14:13, 2 replies)

When I put a link link in my profile, why does it link back to my profile?

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 16 May 2014, 13:46, 14 replies)

And we wonder why QOTW is dying....

(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 16 May 2014, 12:16, 9 replies)

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 16 May 2014, 11:23, 31 replies)

Mate of mine
Works in the family business of house clearances. From when he was a wee-un he's been going to the various local tips and scrap yards. One day, when he was about 11, he was standing around, waiting for his Dad to drop some stuff off. He was watching one of the tractory things with tracks on compressing some rubbish when it's tracks blew off, snapped and swung, scythe like about 3 feet from his head. He was shocked but unharmed. Turns out someone gad (illegally) dumped a compressed air or acetylene cylinder in with some waste and the tractor had made it go pop.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 16 May 2014, 11:21, Reply)

Avril Lavigne

(Andrew Avetoom, Fri 16 May 2014, 10:59, Reply)

my granddad had his eardrums asploded firing artillery during the war
we were quite close
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 16 May 2014, 10:57, 3 replies)

I sat next to a guy at the bus stop once and he started waving his hands at me.
I thought he was being weird so I tried to ignore him, but he just seemed to get frustrated and was waving them more and more furiously. The red mist descended, I turned to him, put my face a few inches from his and shouted at the top of my voice, "STOP FUCKING DOING THAT YOU CUNT".

He stopped and sort of mumbled something along the lines of, "Or-fi-under".

"What?" I said.

"OR-FI-UNDER".

He looked down and pointed to my crotch where I saw my tucked shirt poking out of my flies.

"Ohhhhhh, my flies are undone?, Thanks!".

He motioned with his hand moving away from his mouth to say "Thank you".

I sheepishly nodded back.

That was my near a deaf experience.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Fri 16 May 2014, 10:40, Reply)

I once stood a small distance from the author of Uncommon Criminal.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 16 May 2014, 10:34, Reply)

I once saw a really bright shooting star.
That was my NEA death experience.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 16 May 2014, 10:11, Reply)

Oops.

(username failed moderation, Fri 16 May 2014, 9:56, 6 replies)

Avril Lavigne.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 16 May 2014, 9:53, Reply)

Andi Peters.

(Andrew Avetoom, Fri 16 May 2014, 9:42, 4 replies)