I've met most of my heroes
And to be fair to them, they've been lovely to a tee. The only one that I haven't crossed off of my list now is Leonard Cohen. I may try and track him down next week and let you know how it goes :)

The best of all was Clint from Pop Will Eat Itself, who argued with the security at one of their gigs in order to get me in (I was underage at the time) and then dedicated Familus Horribilus to me and my mate.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 26 May 2006, 12:51, Reply)

Swapping spit
In my younger years I was a massive fan of the Manics (before they became absolute shite and more than a bit porky) and James Dean Bradfield was my hero. I was sat outside a venue (Bridlington) a few hours before the concert and Mr Bradfield came sauntering past. He stopped to chat telling me "i'm just off to the shop, back in a mo". I thought he'd never come back, preferring to avoid his drooling fan (me).
Anyhoo... about 10minutes later he came back, offered me some of his strawberry slushpuppy and then corrected my homework which i was doing at the time. Top bloke. The straw was a bit damp though.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Fri 26 May 2006, 12:49, Reply)

Sooty & Sweep
As a kid I thought Sooty and the Sweep were the business. Went to see a live (not TV) “Sooty and Sweep” show and got invited up onstage by Mr Corbett senior and Sooty apparently “asked” me in his silent-whisper-stylee if I had been a good boy and not actually having heard the silent bear whisper anything to me, I didn’t reply.
Mr. Corbett got very upset with me, but his son and heir apparent Mathew was very kind and seemed a bit embarrassed by his dad.

I am over 40 and still have my Sooty hand puppet. If I had Sue and Sweep as well I’d be making little porno fisting movies for sure…
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 26 May 2006, 12:43, Reply)

My dad..
..used to work in a very posh hotel in London. One day,he was under a stairway,fixing a plug or something,when a load of cameras and filming gear moved in,blocking his exit. It turns out they were interviewing Robbie williams,sitting on the stairs. My dad was trapped under the stairs for the entire interview.

Afterwards,as the crew were leaving,Robbie came up to my dad,and apologized for trapping him in,saying "If theres anything i can do.." To which my dad replied,"well,you could sign this bit of paper for my daughter!" I was only 10,its not that bad! Apparently Rob was a very nice guy.

Also,my dad spent an evening in Meg Ryans room,chatting to her,without realising who she was,and,while fixing a light in Chers wig room (yes,she has a separate room for wigs!) he tried on her famous blonde one!

Apologies for length,its the steroids that do it...
(Miharu, Fri 26 May 2006, 12:40, Reply)

Dave Stewart
Slightly off topic as he's not my hero (chinless cocksucker).

I used to manage Covent Garden Our Price and he would come in about once a month, waddle hobbit-like straight over to the 'E' section of Rock'n'Pop and check how many Eurythmics albums we had in stock. If we didn't have his full back catalogue, he'd demand to see the manager.

Never met him anyway. I'd sit out the back scratching my arse and reading Smash Hits while one of my staff would gleefully tell him "She's too busy to see you".

He couldn't see over the counter anyway.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 26 May 2006, 12:34, Reply)

timmy mallet
As student I naturally had a rather pretentiouis love of all things nostalgic, from my Optimus Prime t-shirt to my Columbo DVD box-set.

It was for this reason that I attended a club night known as "The Big One" on the night that Timmy Mallet was making an appearance on stage.

He jumped around for a bit and then asked for two volunteers to play "Mallets Mallet", promptly picking two pissed-up, fat-titted slappers. He then proceeded to flirt with both women before placing a badge on each of their doughy, overfed breasts.

Afterwards, he offered to hit everyone in the club over the head with his soft mallet. I promptly stood in line, waiting to meet the man. As i came up to his seat he asked me to kneel before him.

"I'm not kneeling for you, just hit me with the mallet."

"If you don't kneel before me I won't hit you."

He then had two security men escort me from the stage.

bastard!
(phys! The Horror! The Horror!, Fri 26 May 2006, 12:34, Reply)

Say What You See....
I was 6 and loved game shows (such as The Crystal Maze and Fun House). On one of our regular trips to Llandudno, we stopped by for some food in Marks and Spencers. I was throwing a wobbly at the time because I was dragged out of the Early Learning Centre, which had just opened up across the street.

Then, my mum saw him!

"Look Rhys! It's Roy Walker! Come on, lets go and meet him!"

Suddenly, I develop the embarrassment that kids normally do when they meet celebrities, dentists or the hairdressers. I stopped crying and put on the breaks, as my mum dragged me over to Roy.

I gave in eventually and co-operated with my mum, after all, I wouldn't want to show myself up in front of Roy. Luckily my mum did enough for me.

"Oh my goodness, you're Roy Walker!" My mum said to a bemused Roy, "I love Catchphrase so much, we watch it all the time on Sunday night. This is my son Rhys, who is very good."

"Ah Rhys...Nice to meet yoy." Answered a polite, albeit slightly annoyed Roy.

"He does this amazing impression of you! Go on Rhys, say what you say in front of the TV every week..."

Imagine me, 6 years old, wearing a Sonic The Hedgehog T-shirt. Bright red. Both Roy and his missus looked on as I struck up my worst Northern Irish accent.

"Look at Mr. Chips, what is he doin!"

Roy, visiably annoyed, said "That's Good....that's....", and walked off.

The rude sod.

If the guy was on the ball he would of answered "It's good, but it's not right.", that would of made my day.

Apologies for length
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 26 May 2006, 12:27, Reply)

famous in france...
i work in the sort of place where we get minor celebrities to sign contracts which allow us to make ringtones and logos and all sorts of crap to sell... so i get to meet some slightly famous people, only they're only famous over here in france, although some people may have heard of clara morgane (try looking her up, many people do), who two years ago was very nice, but she came back this year and was really snotty... but she's still smarter and even prettier than could be imagined... other than that i've met some of the people from the french equivalent of "pop idol", who were so-so, some porn stars, some french tv people, some singers and rappers... but i remained unimpressed. the most "famous" person i've met was mark morriss, the singer from the bluetones when they played here, they'd just been on top of the pops at the time and was a really nice bloke! Oh and i overheard one of the blokes from SunnO))) complaining that he wanted to go to the bog just before the gig to have a crap, and the queue was too long so he'd probably shit himself on stage. Oh and Reni from Primal Scream blew me a kiss at the bar before their gig when i suggested he wear one of the pink tshirts while he was trying to decide which one to wear on stage... nice bloke too!
(Alaning, Fri 26 May 2006, 12:26, Reply)

I once met...
that bloke on Parliament square, can't remember his name...Brian something maybe.....anyway, you know the anti war one who sits on parliament square and people are trying to get him to fuck off. Anyway, I met him and had an interesting conversation with him about war and politics...

He was ace!
(Arse Biscuits The question is not who, but why?, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:58, Reply)

Orange Is Not The Only Fruit
We went to see Julian Clary launch his autobiography at the National Theatre a while back. He did a book-signing afterwards. Lovely, charming man.

A few places in front of us? Judith Chalmers. She just queued up with everyone else. Well done, travel-lady.

We also went to a Clement Freud book-signing. the wife asked him to write "Love Clement Freud" and he refused. Point-blank. Not a nice man. Funny man, but not terribly pleasant.

We went to see Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure at the Riverside Studios before he took it to Edinburgh and then went global with it. Got him to sign a copy of "Are You Dave Gorman?" afterwards. I complimented him on fitting such a great story into 90 minutes. He looked panicked: "Don't say that! Edinburgh have told me I can only have 80 minutes and mustn't over-run!". Top bloke.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:53, Reply)

The Comedian Simon Munnery
I've met many stand up comedians, the majority of whom are really genuinely nice people and will always stop & take the time to say hello.
Honourable mentions in that field must got to Stephen K Amos, Richard Herring, Rob Newman, Howard Read, Andrew Maxwell, Stewart Lee, Robin Ince, Al Murray amongst others.

But, when it comes to "getting down wiv da kids", Simon Munnery is king.

Every year he does a show during the Edinburgh Festival at The Stand, called "Simon Munnery's AGM". It's a ramshackle sort of institution & includes everything from Munnery playing harmonica and rambling semi-improvised lyrics whilst a drummer keeps a beat - through to brilliant sketches, new & old material, character pieces (including Alan Parker : Urban Warrior), guest performances and much, much more.

The title "AGM" comes from the idea of every member of the audience having the opportunity to submit a 'motion' for discussion toward the end of the show.
Time restraints at the venue invariably result in Munnery being unable to get through the entire audience's suggestions.

Rather than just reading out a handful & calling it a day, Munnery likes to give everyone a chance.
So, he decamps the gig - inviting anyone who wants to come - to the pub across the road, or a neighbouring courtyard.

Apparently this is a regular occurence. When I was in attendance, I was one of about 15 people from the audience who elected to continue the show at the pub across the road, where Munnery held court for another two hours, as we went through the remaining suggestions that had been submitted.

It was truly democratic, and wasn't simply a case of Munnery taking a submission, making a joke of it and moving on to the next one, everyone was involved, everyone was allowed to state their opinions on the motion, make their own jokes, etc.

Everyone there found him to be a genial host, as well as a genuine wit, proving how deserving of his fanbase he is. I bought him a pint - and rather than expecting that as "performer's right" as some might - he was very appreciative and humble. A lovely man.

This "post-show" went on for so long that his wife called twice whilst he was doing this wondering where the hell he was!!!!
(Soupy Twist BEST BEFORE:, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:47, Reply)

Grotbags
Attended the Lincolnshire Show as an impressionable young boy. I was there for one reason - to see Grotbags.

'She' was due to arrive by sky-diving onto the showground. 'She' did this to gasps of delight from the crowd and 'she' landed behind a haystack from where the real Grotbags appeared in full costume and make-up.. SeamLESS.

Her response when I finally collared her for a signature?

"Fuck off. I don't do autographs."

Still 'urts. You didn't see that on The Pink Windmill.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:42, Reply)

Page 3 Stunna
I'ma child of the 80s.

The wife and I were at a local auction house a few years back: we'd never been to one before, and didn't quite understand what was going on. I had a stinking cold and wasn't really with it, but turned to the woman next to me, and got her to explain what was happening. Very nice lady, perfectly pleasant.

I turned to the wife, and told her what this woman had told me. And what did the wife ask me? "So, Linda Lusardi is quite a nice person then?".

I then had to sit next to Linda Lusardi for two hours without once turning to stare at her to see if she was as much of a babe in extreme close-up. Bugger.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:41, Reply)

Bill Oddie
The Goodies were filming in my home town of Paignton when I was a kid and I went up to Bill Oddie sitting in his mini and asked him for his autograph.......he told me to "piss off".....
Met Richard Branson at a Virgin vodka promotion night in Amsterdam.
He was a top bloke....totally down to earth.I heard later he puked all over himself.What a guy.
Went out drinking with Mick Hucknall coz a mate of mines sister was married to the trumpet player of the band.He was a prick but it was scary the way people reacted to him.....
........oh yeah and Bobby Gillespie and his 15 year old girlfriend who he used to beat up (allegedly),
(Cat Fur Head, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:34, Reply)

I met ...
Peter Andre in a recording studio while recording his first album a few years back. He had a very limp, damp handshake, and greasy hair. He made my skin crawl.

To counter that, I met Joel Beckett (Eastenders, The Office) at a party a few weeks back. He's a great laugh, and a top bloke.

Error 404 - thanks for the Tom Baker story. He is truly a god.
(8-Ball, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:21, Reply)

several times I've met
members of popular indie combo Faker. The lead singer is good friends with people I used to be friends with.

It took me a while to realise that his English accent is entirely derived from being into English music, rather than being from, or having been to, England.

Also he acts like he's being interviewed by NME all the time ie he tells you what's happening with Faker, rather than any subject you may have an interest in, or have been talking about moments before.

Sadly, they're an excellent band and he's a really good songwriter.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:12, Reply)

Tom Baker - HMV Oxford Street - Signing City of Death DVD
NEVER MEET YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HERO AT HIS BEQUEST.

The "Tom's putting it in" legend is scary enough. Meeting the man proved even scarier for the girl in front of me...

... he immediately placed his incredibly large hand on hers and held her in place.

Tom Baker: Hello my dear.

Girl: Hello.

Tom Baker: And who should I sign this for?

Girl: Simon.

Tom Baker: Ah... yes... and how are you, Simon?

Girl: I'm not Simon.

Tom Baker: (Annoyed) You're not Simon?

Girl: No.

Tom Baker: (Angry) Where the hell is Simon?

Girl: (Terrified) He's at work. He couldn't get time off.

Tom Baker: My dear, I'd never have signed the fucking thing if I'd known you weren't Simon.

A long silence ensues... and then he beams that insane smile of his.

Tom Baker: I'm only joking, my dear!

He lets go of her hand, she grabs the DVD and legs it out of the store as fast as possible.

Now it's my turn. Get an autograph. Tom Baker is laughing his arse off at his own prank.

Tom Baker: Oh I do hope he loves her for this.

Tom Baker, The Man, The Myth... The Madman
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:11, Reply)

Craig Charles - Comedy hero of mine
Lovely bloke, met him while working as a shop assistant at Bristol Airport 7 years ago. Was more than happy to shake hands & chat a bit. He asked me if anyone had bought Robert llewelyns (Kryten) book & I felt bad to tell him no. He did buy a copy (top bloke!).

I asked him what he was up to & he said he had just finished filming a series of 'Robot Wars'. I wish I hadn't let out such a disappointed "ohhhh". What did I expect?, "Mr Naylor & Mr Adams have got back together & written a brand new Red Dwarf series, Chris Barrie is back on board, the scripts are amazing, here have a copy, oh & would you like to watch us film it, hey, why not have a cameo role..."

At least I didn't ask him how he got away with that rape charge.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:08, Reply)

I've never met Wendy James from Transvision Vamp

But, you know, I'd like to.

I mean Jesus, I can't imagine she's got anything better to do.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:06, Reply)

My cousin

was friends with Yahoo Serious in film school, and he wrote the screenplay to 'Young Einstein' and 'Reckless Kelly'. He says he made no money off either of them, which in my opinion is far more money than they deserve. Have I met Yahoo Serious you ask? Oh no, it's far more b-list than that. Rotund comedienne Sue Cruikshank came to a family barbeque based on her friendship with these two and being in 'Young Einstein'. She was at that time tediously defensive about her weight. So did I meet her? Oh no - I saw her from afar and listened to her 'I'm fat' schtick, but no. Einstein's dog in 'Young Einstein' was 'played' by a family pet, Pippa I think. And I've met that dog.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:04, Reply)

A mixed bag
I used to work at American Express on the phones, dealing with unsufferably rich cunts and their credit card problems. This involved quite a few celebrities, some of whom I spoke to, some of whom I heard about.

Elton John - apprently a top bloke, a bit weird

The guy who plays Rab C Nesbitt - lovely fella, really down to earth

Lloyd Grosman - he really does speak like that. Had to bite my hand to stop myself from laughing. He's a bit up his own arse, but that may just be the accent

Robert Carlyle - another genuinely nice bloke

The award for the biggest "Don't you know who I am" went to Paul McKenna. Apparently he is the biggest prick in the known universe.

*adds unfunny comment about length*
(fried gold, Fri 26 May 2006, 11:01, Reply)

stoner hero
i was, and to some extent still am, a big fan of Lee 'scratch' Perry and his dub reggae sound. i was extremely excited to find that he would be playing at the same one day music festival i was to be djing at (me in a shitty little tent with the equivalent of a home stereo for a system, him on the massive main stage).

I went along, did my little set and then sat infront of the main stage getting nicely toasted waiting for Perry and his band to arrive. two hours after they were ment to play it was anounced that they would not be showing up.

Dissapointed and a little worse for wear i started the journey back into town where i had to do another gig late that night.

After setting up in the club i went out on the the street to have a cigarette before starting and i came accross this little old man, very black with a grey beard. he was sitting in the gutter stuggling to get up and then sitting down again. he looked up at me and reached a hand out to me. i started to pull away from this filthy old tramp when i saw the cds attached to each high top trainer he was wearing

'fuck me it's lee perry'

and it was. he hadn't made it to the festival and now couldn't find his hotel. i took a guess (there's only really two hotels international reggae superstars might stay at in dublin) and carried him along to the hotel. the doorman whouldn't let him but eventually i persuaded the manager that this was the lee perry from the lee perry party that had booked out a floor of the hotel.

rather than thank me lee pulled out a joint from his pocket, took a toke, did a little sick on my leg and then wandered into the hotel.
(e p f, Fri 26 May 2006, 10:58, Reply)

I met Peter Singer
He is much like you might expect someone to be had they started out as a normal person and then spent 20 years with everyone around them going "Peter, you are the greatest living philosopher in the Western world. You are the father of animal liberation, Peter. Did I mention, Peter, that you are so awesome?"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 May 2006, 10:58, Reply)

Jess Conrad annexes five-year-olds bed...
The Lidl Tom Jones stayed at my house when I was a nipper. He'd done a gig in town and his hotel room had been double booked.
So my Dad, who was a huge fan, offered him MY bed, and he accepted.
Nice... kick a five year old out of his bed just so my Dad could spend the next twenty years saying "That Jess Conrad stayed at our house'.

If you don't know who Jess Conrad is, he always seemed to wrangle his way onto This Is Your Life, no matter who the subject was, and he does a lot of panto and Butlins gigs.
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 26 May 2006, 10:57, Reply)

Peter Andre & Jordan.
Not heroes in the slightest, but I once had the misfortune to meet this gossip-column-couple.

She is a snooty, aloof, actually genuinely unattractive - and tiny - stroppy cow. She was surrounded by minders, who all seemed intent on looking menacing on her behalf - never mind her greaseball husband.

He is - surprisingly - a disarmingly nice man, friendly & all that - but more than a little bit dim. Bit of a sap too, but a nice sap.
(Soupy Twist BEST BEFORE:, Fri 26 May 2006, 10:54, Reply)

Voice of an angel.
I was once in the cardiff bay area with a girlfriend (we were actually going to the science museum technoquest, should anyone know it, to have an afternoon of magnet based fun) when my lady happened to point oh so casually at the flats behind us and say "charlotte church lives there."
"What?" Says I.
"Charlotte Church... she lives in that flat there."

I spent the next fifteen minutes shouting at the top of my voice "charlotte church! charlotte church." I didn't get bored. I did not waver. I stood and shouted it, always at the same volume, same octave... over and over again. "Charlotte Church... Charlotte Church." It was like a monotonous car alarm just sounding out the name charlotte church. It became my mantra. I don't even think i was fully aware that i was saying it anymore. It was just dripping out of my mouth, like a welsh named syrup, charlotte church... continually falling out of my mouth and sounding throughout the bay area. And my girlfriend with infinite patience, has just taken to sitting on the curb and playing with her phone. (she had an affair not to much later. I couldn't blame her.) Charlotte church. Charlotte church...

Well eventually a net curtain pulls back, and who should hang themselves out of the window but the welsh wonder herself, wearing nothing but a bathrobe, last nights make-up and a cigarette on her lips...

"What!!! What the fuck do you want?" She says, in her lyrical welsh voice.

And I didn't know. I didn't know what i wanted. Why was I shouting for her?

"Erm... nothing. I just wondered if you were in."
(I'm a schmuck, i did a schmucky thing. is unlurking thanks to unemployment, Fri 26 May 2006, 10:41, Reply)

Cheap air fares
I often see Angus Deayton over here in Italy - he bought an over-priced house in Tuscany a few years ago. Occasionally I'm picking up a friend from the Ryanair flight that arrives at Forli airport in the evenings and the first one off the plane is always Angus Deayton rushing out to where he's parked his car. He was having supper at the same restaurant as me and my family a few years ago - very dull conversationalist and also surprisingly short.
(Hazy, Fri 26 May 2006, 10:41, Reply)

Oh aye...
My mate banged the skanky blonde one from Girls Aloud. Sold his story to teh People on Sunday for about £8k. Now that there's a hero!
(The Splendid Oaf, Fri 26 May 2006, 10:37, Reply)

A few...
I've met:

Mickey Mouse when I was 9. Quite a tall chap. Doesn't speak much

Manni from The Stone Roses. He lives mear me. Always lets on. Sound bloke.

Bez. Well, I saw him in Town yesterday ;0)

Loads of Breaks DJs, cos I'm a promotor.

Kiss my swingers.
(The Splendid Oaf, Fri 26 May 2006, 10:34, Reply)

foot in mouth disease
Stopped in a posh hotel in newquay in about 1990. Got chatting to a lad my age, had a bit of a smoke and asked him if he knew who the big fat bearded playright was that was stopping at the hotel....Reply: Yeah, its my dad (Alan Bleasdale of Boys from the black stuff fame, amongst other gritty northern dramas).
Nice bloke though, I felt a right twat.
(dukefukem, Fri 26 May 2006, 10:16, Reply)