This year we were going to have the Christmas parties to end all parties
All of the satelite offices were to be paid to travel to the head office for a right big knees up, no expenses spared for the poshest accomodation, finest food, and bestest booze.

Two weeks ago they cancelled it. I had to pay out of my own pocket to take the underlings out for a meal otherwise they get nowt. And I didn't even want to bloody go anyway.



EDIT: Oh, And this isn't the office party but...

Some twunt has cut down the Chrimbo tree in Winchester. Are we still allowed to draw and quarter arsewiping neo-gypsies?
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 19:38, Reply)

Christmas cheer
Our Chief Exec has become notorious for his Christmas giving. Last year it was 3 boxes of chocolates that were 6 months past the sell-by date, and cards that were clearly factory rejects (picture on the front was landscape, writing inside was portrait).

This year he'd clearly tried harder. 4 boxes of mince pies, a bottle of red wine and a bottle of white wine. Between 30 of us.

The rest of his budget had gone on the 'present'. A flashing santa. No, not a santa with flashing lights. A musical santa that drops his trousers.

The HR manager left the 'party' in disgust, so the present wasn't a total disaster :o)
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 18:47, Reply)

Oooh Oooh, just thought of another one!

Not me but the wifey, used to work in a recruitment agency in Uxbridge. The manager of the office had never earnt commission due to her feeble efforts in trying to 'lead' her staff.

My wife joined her branch and because of her hard work throughout the year it turned out that the manager was now going to earn £25,000 in commision, which she exitedly told my wife about, saying that she was going to give her a 'nice Christmas present'.

So, on the last day before Xmas she hands my wife a small beautifully wrapped package, and what do you think was in it?

SOAP. Yes, watermelonING SOAP! Two little star shaped bars of SOAP.

My wife left the soap in the office toilets and promptly resigned.

.
(SproutsAreEvil, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 18:30, Reply)

jesusbagpuss
How the hell do they explain the massive tree in the Parkinson Court then? :-s
(Outatime, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 18:22, Reply)

SCUM
Last Friday my small 3-man department had a Xmas piss-up in the local pub with our £105. £35 each what our law firm give us.
Our fat pikey sh*tbag woman- repelling "Team Leader" decides that he wants to take his money home. Pikey. After several lines of Peruvian marching powder we confronted him and made him put the remainder of his wong in the whipjar and Fckoff off home to his slag missus.
That'll teach him to fart when I'm eating.
BAH HUMBUG!
(makavel1, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 17:52, Reply)

Can't afford a subject line
I have been organising my company's Christmas party for 4 years. The first year, the budget was about £10,000. We bussed in all the staff from our other UK office and put them up in a hotel; we had 3 comedians, a disco and more vodka than most of us could store about our persons.

The budget has shrunk somewhat over the years and this year I'm working with ...£60. What have I come up with? We're having lunch (not dinner) with half a bottle of wine per head (no beer or spirits), no entertainment, and as a "reward" we're giving away some wine that has just resurfaced after 4 years at the back of the marketing cupboard, and was pretty cheap and nasty to begin with.

I say "giving away" -- actually, we're *raffling* 6 of the 40 bottles we found, and saving the rest. To give to our customers.
(Raps, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 17:50, Reply)

My dads office party
doesn't actually exist anymore. He switched local councils to work for Erewash (derbyshire area) district council and they've had a new boss affectionately dubbed 'the bitch'. She has said the staff are allowed 1, 2 hour slot at lunch time either this week just gone or next week before christmas to have a 'social gathering'. This gathering shall contain no alcoholic drinks and to deter people, the council will have a policeman breathalising everyone if they return from the 'social gathering'.

What a cranberry.
(Deiwos - Woo I found my old name!, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 17:42, Reply)

Big Telecoms
I used to work for a Big Telecoms company (there's a clue there you know). They gave every employee £10 for Christmas. Wow.
(FiatPanda, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 17:40, Reply)

Tight Yank...
Last year our MD (American) paid for the first round of drinks at our Xmas party, costing a total of £64 and then, just before leaving, whispered to me to thank the staff for their hard word and then said that they should then buy their own drinks.

I was pretty pissed off at this, mainly because we'd had a great year and had earnt him TWO MILLION quid profit.

After he'd sneaked out I put my company credit card behind the bar and then went on to spunk up another £850 in booze.

The next day he found out and went balistic. I said that I was only following his instructions after he whispered to me "that I should buy the lads drinks for all of their hard work" - he denied this - but I said that because he had whispered to me in a very loud pub that's what I heard.

He then walked off and sulked for the rest of the day. Bloody tight-arsed Yank!
.
(SproutsAreEvil, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 17:29, Reply)

Scroogey staff
A couple of years ago, I took my team out for an Xmas dinner on a Friday night at a nice restaurant near London Bridge. Everyone was warned beforehand that they would be expected to pay for their booze - there is a seperate Xmas lunch for all staff where the booze is thrown in (and up).

Much food was eaten and many jugs of vodka & champagne cocktails were drunk, as was everyone at the table.

At the end of the evening, as I was aware that we'd got a bit carried away with the cocktails and that some team members earn much less than others but drink more, I decided to pay for it myself (I was as happy baby orangutaned as the rest of them). There was 12 of us and it was around 100 quid a head including the copious booze.

All I asked was that they put their hands in the pockets (or wallets or purses) for the tip for the very friendly and understanding waitressing staff.

Next day at work, the Monday, I discovered that the total tip was a 'generous' 30 quid.

One person complained that she'd had to pay for a taxi, which she felt was unfair as she hadn't planned to drink so much in the first place and otherwise could have caught the tube.

Someone else complained that, being tee-total, the others had received preferential treatment (this same person had previously complained of discrimination when I brought back some liquor truffles for the staff after an overseas trip).

One person said Thank you.

Last year I packed the ungrateful watermeloners off to the local boozer with a tenner a head.
(SpittyWoonerism, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 16:56, Reply)

Don't know if this counts
But my boss has systematically bum raped every member of staff since the beginning of December. I'll never forget the experience as he called me into his office to get my 'present'.........
(myohmy, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 16:38, Reply)

X-mas, McDonald's Style
When you work in a shitty fast food restaurant, it's almost guaranteed that you'll get crap "gifts" from the managers. Last year, everyone got a candle (that smelled suspiciously like a crayon) and a little pocket radio that stopped working an hour later.

And one of my managers yelled at me for forgetting to take my X-mas card.
(pk, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 15:16, Reply)

Not
strictly scroogery, but I've just come from the Pineapple pub in Kentish Town where a 30-strong crowd of TV magazine employees is currently enjoying an Xmas lunch of ready salted crisps and pistachios cos the pub's chef didn't turn up today and they elected not to tell us about this.
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Fri 17 Dec 2004, 15:14, Reply)

.
I am a child molester and you're right - the parents are never happy !
( dogfish, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 14:58, Reply)

The Shame
Not an office Christmas party, but I got roped into being Father Christmas for a kids Christmas party one year.

I thought I was doing really well, my "ho ho ho"s were loud and jolly, and I was interacting with the brats quite well.

And then afterwards, my friend took me to one side and said "Sorry, but the parents weren't very happy, they thought you sounded like a child molester".

"Why?"

"Well, you did keep saying 'Have you been a good little girl? Would you like to come and sit on my knee? What would you like me to give you for Christmas?'".

I don't know, some people are never satisfied....
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 14:42, Reply)

Tiny Tim
Not that my boss is tight, but he bought us all, between us, the smallest box of chocolates he could find as a celebration.

Which is bad enough, but is somehow made worse by the fact that one of us had seen him pay for them with his corporate AmEx.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 14:37, Reply)

Last year when I was working behind a bar
We had the staff Xmas do in the pub. Where we worked. And paid for our beer. At full price.

Well my housemaye went on an all expenses paid trip. To Amsterdam.
( mcdoof fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 14:22, Reply)

Christmas party
Me and my boss sitting in awkward silence in a pub. nice.
(eccentricman, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 14:22, Reply)

Just pasting...
Closest tube stations are Oxford Circus (Victoria Line, Bakerloo Line & Central Line) and Piccadilly Circus (Piccadilly Line & Bakerloo Line).
There are ample taxi's to be found outside the bar, however this will be at individual expense.
Those requiring public transport can view final tube/train times at the link below. The final tube times for all lines at Oxford Circus & Piccadilly Circus are approximately 12:30am.
( sinisterduck, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 13:54, Reply)

Not my christmas party...
I was in a pub (The City Flogger near Fenchurch Street, for you City workers) the other day having a drink with my dad. All of a sudden there appeared a rowdy lot, all in high spirits as the boss was taking them out for christmas drinks! Imagine their disappointment when the boss went to the bar and said "1 bottle of red, 1 bottle of white and 16 glasses please".

Me and my dad creased up and carried on drinking our Bishops Finger.
(Monkey Bastard Hands, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 13:52, Reply)

Tighter than ...
A few years ago my boss "organised" a christmas party at a scary local pub without telling us until the last minute. "Be there for 12:00, I've orgainsed food" he said.

We all wandered in, I went up to the bar and told the barman we'd come for the party. "What party ? and by the way we don't do food".

I persuaded the chap to let us run up a tab. Boss wanders in at 12:30, "Oh where are the sandwiches" he asked, only to be glared at by half a dozen hungry and fed up people. He looked a bit miffed when I told him we were running up a tab on his behalf.

He then went up to each person and asked "What type of crisps would you like ?". "Just get some bags of crisps and nuts and sit down" by this point we had had enough of his organisational skills. My cat could have done a better job than him, at least I would have known she had done nothing.

Since then he "delegates" the task to someone else. In other words he's so useless he has to get someone to do it for him. Do babies "delegate" someone to change their nappies?

Last one I organised for him, we went to my favorite Indian. Before we sat down I'd ordered 15 pints of Cobra and 30 popadoms for everyone. His face was a picture. Even without his stupid beret, bike jacket and long scarf, in his 50's.

I also discovered myself and most of my colleagues can say "what the f... is he wearing" without moving our lips.

He is a Project Manager ffs.
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 13:46, Reply)

i love my job
3 days of getting hammered in Poland and the company picked up the most of the bill, had about 2 hours sleep all weekend then back to work fresh as a daisy spent the rest of the week under my desk just telling my boss I am rendering.. Vodka is evil truly evil
(teaboy of death, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 13:42, Reply)

Last night at the One Glass of Sparkling White Wine Xmas "Do"
with my team (6 grown-ups, 6 researchers), my boss told me he'd left a christmas present on his desk but didn't want to give it to me in front of everyone cos he didn't want to "embarrass" me.

How sweet, i thought.

Popped over to his office this morning imagining, ooh, a big christmas bonus or summing. opened the sloppily wrapped present to find...

an effing mug.


with holly on.


from my place of work.

: - (
(Vyxn, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 13:28, Reply)

Comparisons
I joined a massive multinational in Jun 1998, and that year the grad scheme xmas parties were amazing. There are four offices around Hampshire and all the grads from all the offices numbered about 300+. They just divvied us into two groups (all the singles invited people from the other group) and off we went for one (or even two) total freebie nights. Booze, three course dinner, band, novelty gifts and hotel accommodation for you and your partner. Fantastic. The next year belts had been tightened somewhat. We were all dragged into the auditorium, told that we were paid more than adequately, not to expect raises, not to ask for raises, that it was 'against corporate culture' and 'extremely rude' to discuss salary matters. This left us a bit confused as it had nothing to do with Xmas. Then we were told what our do would be. Xmas that year was a lunch (but no booze). I thought 'no matter, my department party will make up for it, we've had a great year'. Three of us had a quick bite to eat at Fatty Arbuckles - no booze, own costs. This year's Xmas party. We rented Chicago Sucks (only available on a Monday night) and had to pay for tickets to cover the hiring costs and also pay for our own drinks. They didn't even do special offers or a happy hour. Sods.
(I am the infinite monkey!, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 13:14, Reply)

My aunt's boss, who happens to be my parent's next door neighbour,
gave the ladies in the office a packet of sunflower seeds. Between four of them. And not a shop bought packet either. No, he grew these in his back garden, and put then in an envelope.
( charliedontsurf, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 13:11, Reply)

not exactly work
but i just got home from school and they amde us sit through a carol service! they wouldn't let us clap because it was a religious event..... they try so hard
(honourarybiscuit, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 13:04, Reply)

Bolox timing
Not Xmas but New year's Eve, but it's still part of the festering season, right?
Anywho, divided my time between working as an actor (proper one, with Equity Card and everything) and stints in a local toyshop. Owned by a guy more or less my age (late 20's) who I thought had become a mate over the years. I even helped him set the original store up (he currently has three in the area now).
Had just finished doing a national tour of a kids' TV show, and had been asked if I wanted to do a second run of it from mid-January. Turned it down, as the boss had said how desperate he was for good staff (and I knew me toys n games, believe me!), so I started working for him again at the beginning of December (note to customers: December in toyshops is a fecking MARE for the staff, so be nice to them!) Gave me a "temporary verbal contract" as it was "too late in the year to sort out anything official".
New Year's Eve, his missus comes into the store (he was conveniently off0site at one of the other shops) and 'just in passing' says "Oh by the way, today is your last day."
Rang him at the other store, told him exactly what I thought of him, using words that would be changed to cranberry and watermelon on this site, using a phone on the shop floor in front of all his loyal customers, then walked out to a smattering of applause. Was almost worth nearly defaulting on me mortgage for that!
(AlohasRyk, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 12:50, Reply)

i work at subway
our manager has hidden the diary so nobody can book any more time off over christmas.. and he did this on december 5th or something, so if you hadn't done it by then, you can't have time off. luckily i managed to find it on the top shelf, and wrote my days off above other people's so it would look like i had done it already :)
( St3cks, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 12:47, Reply)

I swear this is true.
No-one ever believes me when I tell this story.

In the year 2000 I was working for a large multi-national, who's Xmas do was tied in to a 'fun' afternoon team-building exercise. We'd been told that for this we'd need to bring some old trainers to wear as posh party shoes would get ruined.

This isn't the unbelievable part btw.

Anyway, like someone who didn't really care about their job - I forgot my spare shoes so had to go via my Mom's house to pick them up on the way to the hotel for the do.

So I'm on my way to the hotel when I got stopped by the police and arrested on suspicion of armed robbery. I spend the afternoon in a cell before being released after a taped interview with a lawyer present.

The police's big evidence - I drove past the scene of the crime about ten minutes later and I fit the description of the criminal which was 'Young White Man in a Hat'.

Incredibly I'm back home in time to get ready and still make the evening do. Picturing the mayhem my non-appearance may have caused, I take a copy of my record of arrest with me so that they know I haven't been skiving.

I show up, see my then line-manager and she says 'Hi, are you enjoying yourself?'. And I say 'But I only just got here...'

Literally NO-ONE had noticed that I hadn't shown up. I quit a mere three years later.
(Sex Panther, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 12:45, Reply)