my brain is not working at all this morning
I'm basically sat here staring at my screen with a slack jaw.

What can I do to get the old grey matter firing again?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 10:03, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A cautionary tale
Yesterday me and Mrs al went into town to have lunch near the river with Mrs al's Irish friend and her man who had stayed out ours the previous night.

We were sat outside and the women went in to order the food while the men stayed outside to make sure everything was okay with the beer we were drinking. Eventually the women returned with the news that, if we wanted to eat outside we had to
1) get take away fish and chips; or
2) order our food to a table inside, wait for it to arrive and then take it outside ourselves.
The reason for this clearly being that the waiting staff in the pub suffered from heliophobia. Or possibly piss poor management.

So we moved inside to have our food which was due in twenty minutes, and we waited. And waited.

And waited.


...


And waited.

And eventually three of our meals turned up with apologies from the waitress, then shortly afterwards a fourth meal turned up. It was roast chicken with chips and gravy, but Mrs al didn't' order roast chicken with chips and gravy, she ordered roast chicken with yorkshire puddings, roast potatoes and vegetables. So the meal was sent back.

And five minutes later the nervous waitress returned with the receipt and nervously tried to explain that we had apparently ordered roast chicken with chips and gravy and then a greasy looking cunt from behind the bar turned up behind her to explain that, the roast chicken meal that the he had put into the till was 90p cheaper than the one she wanted, and so she would have to pay the extra 90p in order to be allowed her lunch.

At which point I got very angry shouted at him that we had waited an hour and that it was their mistake and they should bloody well sort it out. He came back with calming hand gestures and tried to explain that "I'm just trying to sort this out" and I had to point out that if he was sorting it out, he would have brought us the food and apologised to us and not asked for 90 sodding pence.

Turns out, that some waiters have a lot to learn from doctors and that double checking orders could save you being shouted at by angry punters.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 9:27, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Royal Show starts tomorrow
So I have to park in a field and WALK 10 mins to work. It's outrageous. On the plus side I can raid the food hall at lunch for delicious freebes.

Thus the questions are: Any perks of your job? What are you having for lunch? And if you could dress Captain V up as anything what would it be (minus points for a cat)?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 8:23, 35 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

it's my b3ta birthday in 1 day
I usually never give a rats arse about this sort of thing, but I discovered by accident today. So, my good people of B3TA, what do you suggest I do to celebrate? So far I can only come up with getting a little tipsy after work.
(knackerz is skinning up, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 6:29, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Are most of you PC-philes
or are there any MAC users out there?
My personal preference will always be PC (i even remember the good old days of being able to reconfig the system in DOS to make games play dammit) but since hubby has brought home a macbook pro i'm slowly becoming a mac0phile (never thought i'd admit to that)
My pressing and immediate question tho: what good games are out there that will run on a mac os? The only ones i've seen in the local stores are fairly crap
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 2:25, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Who's still up at this time on a Sunday?
And when do Sunday nights ever stop feeling like homework night?
( Maladicta, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 23:10, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

OMG, I've lost a fan somewhere along the way
Last time I checked I had 55 fans and now I only have 54. Sadface
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 23:09, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's happened to /talk?
Rob finally closed it?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 22:01, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

For those of you that have signed up
I've changed the date of my birthday bash to coincide with International Talk Like A Pirate Day on the 19th of September.
( Captain V, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 21:32, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Evening cunts
How've your weekends been? Sad to go back to work tomorrow? SADFACES ALL ROUND. I've had a lovely weekend of doing bugger all yesterday in the sun and then going to the V&A today and the pub for dinner after. I'm now watching Night at the museum 2 and my important question for you is...

If you were to be any artifact in any museum in the world. What would you be and where?

I'd be one of the exhibits at the now defunct MOMI on the South bank.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 19:48, 58 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Zoinks!
www.jamescartercomedy.com/
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 18:26, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

All right?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 16:14, 62 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yesterday at the cinema
I saw Joel's Crusha advert in giganto-vision. It was glorious.

What was even more glorious was my flatmate choosing to sing along at the top of his voice in front of several small children and then pissing himself laughing.

I also need to go out and get some money for the bus tomorrow and lunch for me and flatmate but can't be bothered. Try and persuade me?
( Maladicta, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 13:31, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This made me laugh muchly!
www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=117381910241&h=jalQZ&u=QriIU&ref=nf
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 12:29, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sods Law
It's lovely and sunny here. BBC weather says it will be sunny all day, if I put my washing out and go out for the day what are the odds it's going to start pissing it down?

Give me your sods law stories. Or just wibble filth if you like, but that's par for the course really.

Also a big squishy hug to Ma & Pa after reading Ma's post down there, you even made a cynical cunt have a little snffle xx
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 11:01, 45 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good Morning B3tans Everywhere...
Come on in,
the music's loud...
the drugs are clean...
the women/men are easy...
the coffee's hot and strong...


got any Molly Sugden jokes?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 5 Jul 2009, 7:28, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Nothing really
I hate my life. I've spent the last year MTFUing. I am the original loser.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 1:17, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Things that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside lately
I've spoken to an old friend I haven't spoken to in ages. We had a nice relaxed conversation and it felt like it hadn't been six months or so since we last spoke.

What things have made you feel warm and fuzzy inside lately, for those of you who still feel such things and aren't twisted bitter husks of men and women?
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 1:15, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Topical
I was going to shop up a BBC News feature about British forces being held back by insurgents led by George Washington, but I couldn't be arsed.

Anybody else want to run with it instead?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Jul 2009, 0:16, Reply)

T-Mobile Fail!
My BlackBerry is currently connected to T-Mobile and as I haven't bothered phoning them and proving my age is still subject to their content filters, one of which blocks access to B3ta.

Therefore imagine my surprise to find that Opera Mini doesn't have any restrictions on it! Woo hoo! I can post from a decent keyboard again!

:)
(bill, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 23:17, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

so...
I've drunk too much and have watched the British and Irish Lions smash the Saffas, what have you done this fine Saturday?

[edit] I've also got hold of the Guitar Hero 3 soundtrack and am now rocking away merrily.

That is all
(b3tamax Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 22:40, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's started already.....
"Do you have the 4th July in England?"
"No, we just go straight from the 3rd to the 5th"
Confuses 'em every time.......
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 19:29, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I bought an unofficial Ericsson phone charger from Amazon last week.
It has arrived and is utterly shit; charges intermittently and randomly cuts out, and will only continue charging if I jiggle it.

What have you learned the hard way this week?

If nothing, I recommend you all go and see Ice Age 3 because it is lovely.
( Maladicta, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 18:56, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Greetings from Guatemala!
I've managed to get Internet access here, and have been catching up on the rest of the world this morning.

I've been here two days so far, and have seen mind-bending things. For one: all of the buildings here- and I do mean all of them- are built so that they are open to the outside atmosphere. As I sit writing this, I'm in a room with the doors open to the outdoors. All of the restaurants I've been in have areas with corrugated metal roofs over them, but are mostly open to the sky. There are no window screens, and other than maybe three houseflies, I have yet to encounter insects. It's an entire city of pavilions and open-sided buildings.

And the people here! It seriously looks like the stereotypes of Mexico down here, with armed guards all over the place and old women wearing outfits that would make a peacock embarrassed, and lovely little senoritas wearing painted on jeans and stiletto heels teetering all around.

Speaking of: as I was in the airport in DC one of these little cha-cha girls sat in the chair to my immediate left. She was wearing VERY low low-riders that seriously looked like a coat of paint and a cropped shirt with a low neckline, hair streaked with blonde, deep brown eyes, six inch heels... and as she was talking in Spanish on her cell phone I kept getting whiffs of sulphur.

This hot little chica was cracking off one Big Nasty after another. Kinda wrecked the illusion, ya know?

I need to bring my camera's card down here with me so I can upload pictures. Seriously, this place defies description...

More later. But I can strongly recommend this as a vacation destination.

Stay happy, my homies...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 4 Jul 2009, 17:11, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I was feeling very sorry for myself,
throwing up all night, sorm sort of hacking cough thats leaving pieces of lung everywhere AND I'm in work, then I realised maybe my day isn't so bad after all, I mean I've never shit myself on live T.V.....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5252Kx37vXU&feature=PlayList&p=BE90EEDFC60E664D&index=0&playnext=1
(Bababoon, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 15:11, Reply)

I need that XKCD "Someone is wrong on the Internet" poster
Following Workboresme's post earlier, I was browsing around the Free Range Kids stuff and found this - trueslant.com/karendukess/2009/05/14/the-parenting-book-that-beats-valium/

The second commenter "Anne Field" clearly has not only not read the book she hasn't even read the review. No it's not a stupider risk now you smug cow, CRIME HAS GONE DOWN. That's the sodding point of the book. And the ARTICLE YOU ARE COMMENTING ON.

Argh. I almost registered for an account on a website discussing womens issues just so I could bitchslap a comment from 6 weeks ago.

Fortunately I have b3ta instead.

Who have you seen being wrong on the internet recently?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 13:28, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lack of funnies warning *UPDATE*
For those who read my heartfelt tale of ruined love on off topic page 153 (and those who are interested), here's the latest.

It's been the hardest 6 weeks of my life. I tried my absolute best to win her back and it didn't work. I was truly heartbroken.

Until a couple of my friends drove past her car late at night, where she was spotted having a big argument with some guy from the pub where she works occasionally.

'Hmmmm' I thought - this explains a lot. So I confronted her and it turns out that she is just 'seeing' him, she's lost the vast majority of her friends (who she knows because they're my friends) and she's latched onto this group of middle aged divorced alcoholics, gays and perverts in the pub.

She said that she really isn't over me, and knocking around with this guy (in a non-relationship/non-sex way)is an attempt to clear her head of me and give her some breathing space.
She said there was nothing there, until I learnt the other day that she's been fucking this guy pretty much since a few days after she finished with me. Not something I would have expected from her, as I thought know her well. Gossip I know, also coming from a friend who she has cut off horribly as well in the past few weeks. So perhaps there's reason from her friend to stir things? Or perhaps she's just bragging to her mates about shagging this guy to boost herself somehow?

To any lady B3tans out there, is this normal? Or is she just a complete old gash bag?

There's a lot more going on in the background, muddying the waters of why we actually broke up in the first place.

She says that she never has and never would cheat on me while were together. I believe her on that, but I'm starting to think that she is just a plain liar and nothing that has come out of her mouth in the last 5 years is reliable. She has changed rapidly for the worse in the last 2 months into someone who I would have never loved in the first place. So I guess I'm grieving for the person she used to be.

I want to hate her, but I can't. I still love her even after all of this. 5 years is a long time, and on reflection, she was a better girlfriend to me than I was boyfriend to her for a long time towards the end, and she did try so hard to save us, efforts which I never reciprocated.

I'm still hollow and numb and missing her, 6 weeks later, although much better than I was to start with.

So, if I can't bring myself to hate her, I thought of all of you and I have yet to decide whether or not to advertise her mobile number, email address, home number, whatever you like if you fancy dropping her some pictures of spunking cocks or just to take the piss....hehehe
(Sir General ***WoW***, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 12:11, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)