What I particularly like
is the way you posted this question early today, and yet you haven't bothered to come back and thank any of the people who have actually bothered giving you some useful advice.

Which makes me wonder why you bothered posting it in the first place.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:30, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Terrible form.
Hello, Master Al. How's the knee?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

Much better
Yesterday I had to repeatedly climb over a wall and carry a load of sacks of bentonite down some stairs. I'm going to see the chiropractor again today for some more back crunchy goodness.

How's your knee and boobs?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Bentonite
Is that poisonous to Crowsephine?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

I wish, I could have wiped him out ages ago.
No, it's a very high plasticit clay used in sealing standpipes into boreholes.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Sounds like a job for....WATERPROOF TROUSERS!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:39, Reply)

Oh boy
I wish I had been wearing some waterproof trousers yesterday, I got really damp around the knees.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:40, Reply)

waterproof trousers don't help
when you have pissed yourself
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:52, Reply)

You need £100 wellies mate.
I've got mine today, they are...basically they are some wellies.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Ooh dear. Can't believe it was dislocated and no one realised (that's what happened, right?)
My knee has only been twinging a little, it's fine for the most part. The Stingrays are sleeping at the moment. They're pissed off as no one seems to do sports bras above a D cup and I genuinely don't want to knock myself out.

I amused myself yesterday by running down the steps in the library and one of them made a break for freedom.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:38, Reply)

The Stingrays?!
Did your boobs kill Steve Irwin?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:40, Reply)

He saw them and realised he'd never get any closer to heaven without being dead
so he stabbed himself in the heart.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Jeff's pet name for them
After I posted a picture of them from the time I was dressed as a stingray.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:45, Reply)

:)
JeffTheTitNamer.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:56, Reply)

I quite like them.
But they're not exactly flat.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Bumps are good.
I like lady-bumps.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

I like breasts.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Them too.
Breasts are brill.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:04, Reply)

The stingrays?
Have you named one "Troy" and the other "Tempest"?

EDIT - dammit, always refresh before replying.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

I may just name them that.
Beats Ronnie and Reggie.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Barbara Windsor's fucked your tits?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:53, Reply)

My tits love their mothers.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:54, Reply)

He may not have internet access at work, to be fair.

( Kroney, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

Since when was being fair
part of the internet?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Sorry Al
I forgot where I was for a moment there.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:37, Reply)

HALIBUT!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

ROOOOOOOOTTTTTAAAA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA!!!!!
How are you my dear?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

I'm areet like!
Your bitch is visiting me tonight.
I miss you.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Oh boy
I was thinking about him last night. Me and the wife are planning on cycling to where he lives in the summer and I was going to see if we could stay the night, but then I remembered you might be moving somewhere together.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

He's got a flatmate who wears ballstranglers. I wouldn't.
But yes, hopefully we'll be elsewhere.
But what with jobs and houses, and my GIANT flat full of shit, how will we ever get to the same place? :(
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:58, Reply)

oooh, al
i love it when you're fierce! do me, do me...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

You shouldn't get your hair cut short
When I meet you I want you to look like you do in your photos. Drunk and wearing a bathrobe and holding an iphone in front of you.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:35, Reply)

You wanted me to pose like that!
I thought you had a specific kink, but you were just trying to me look like Swipe!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:37, Reply)

And me!
I thought I was special!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:41, Reply)

You are very "special" monty. Very "special" indeed.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:41, Reply)

that is pretty much every sat/sun morning to be fair

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:38, Reply)

But the bash is on saturday night?
What am I going to do?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:41, Reply)

play your cards right
and get lucky with one of the girls who is staying at mine
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Who's staying at yours?
And where is yours? And will my wife find out?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:46, Reply)

at the moment i think i have LAAK, berk and rakky
and me of course.

mine is on high street kensington.

and just tell your wife that all 7 of us raped you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:50, Reply)

If all rapes were like that, I would imagine the conviction rate would drop even lower.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:51, Reply)

you have to pretend you don't like it though
and beg us to stop. we like that.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:54, Reply)

I'd be all like
"No, no don't put it there, no definitely not that, no, don't you sit there while she's sitting there, mmmmmfffff mfffffmmmmmmfffmmfff mffmmmfmfmmffffmmmmmmmmm, mmmmmffffmmmmmmmmfmffmmmffffff"
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:59, Reply)

this made me laugh
also, do a little sick. but then laugh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Coroner's report:
White male, approximately 30 years old though hard to tell due to historical pie abuse. Died around 0500 hours from dehydration caused by perpetual and explosive ejaculation, aka The Gush. Lipstick, along with bite and scratch marks, occupy 90% of his body. Severe anal dilation. Jaw appears to have been broken for approximately 2 hours prior to death, swelling and rigor mortis causing it to be stuck into a permanent grin.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:04, Reply)

i clicked this

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Ta luv!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Will there be enough room?!
Remember, I live in London so it's not essential I get a bed.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Are you seriously trying to talk your way out of that nork fest?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:55, Reply)

I'm trying to be polite.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

i am planning to boot the flatmate over to her bf's that night
if she's still with me by july.

so 2 of you can have the spare bed, 1 in that room on the camp bed, 2 on the double sofa bed, 1 on the airbed in my room and then me in my own bed. it's all good. i have millions of people crashing over all the time, am quite used to it.

there is also lots of floor space/another sofa, so i think we'll be fine. i am much more concerned about running out of mirrors/towels etc when we are all getting ready!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Oooh bloody hell, must have a big flat!
Thank you for letting me stay. I'll be good.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

it's big enough for parties!
actually it's excellent for parties, because the lounge is big and the kitchen/dining room are big and open off an archway from the hall opposite the lounge, so people can minglise quite easily.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

I'm sorry but I'm leaving you.
You just said 'lounge'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:04, Reply)

you're leaving me
when i am (apparently) hosting an orgy with the most beautiful women on the internet?

as if!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:10, Reply)

And you didn't comment on "minglise"?
It sounds well nice, and if we're pubbing in Ken or thereabouts it'll be easier for me to get back. I think the only way of getting home from there that doesn't involve multiple buses is one 61 min journey :(
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:11, Reply)

I stopped reading in disgust
when I got to 'lounge'. It could have said 'nommy zombies' afterwards and I would be none the wiser. She's on 'ignore' now.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:14, Reply)

It actually said there was lots of room in her lounge for all her nommy zombies to minglise
whilst listening to David Bowie.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:15, Reply)

No doubt they minglise on the 'settee'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:19, Reply)

What exactly have you got against "lounge" and "settee" then?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:20, Reply)

well
it will no longer be me, pressing him into the cushions as he moans my name in ecstasy, let's put it that way.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:22, Reply)

If that's the case, room for one more?
Nope? Thought not.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:23, Reply)

what
you want to be the only guy there with all those women?

fancy that!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:26, Reply)

In all honesty, I think I'd be thoroughly uncomfortable, so a hostel will do me fine!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Sorry, did you say something?
I wouldn't know because I have you on 'ignore'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:23, Reply)

we know you don't really mean that!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:26, Reply)

Precisely the same thing I have against
'serviettes'. They are common terms.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:22, Reply)

What about lavatory?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:39, Reply)

the word 'toilet' makes me feel physically sick.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:48, Reply)

How about bog, or shitter?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:50, Reply)

Listen, AA.
I'm going to be quite firm with you now - I really don't fancy you AT ALL and your attempts to get me involved in some kind of tawdry 'cottaging' episode are both pointless and rather offensive.

Try to move on with your life - somewhere out there is a man who will be right for you, I'm sure. I hope you take this in the spirit in which it's meant.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:55, Reply)

HAHA

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 12:22, Reply)

that is the proper term

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:50, Reply)

Didn't Kate Middleton say the wrong one? I swear she said lavatory instead of toilet

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Her mother said 'toilet'.
She used to be an air hostess. Peasant.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:59, Reply)

thank you!
it IS a really nice flat, i am totally spoiled, but i am always happy to share my spoiled good fortune!

the pub i have in mind is actually farringdon, as that is about as central as i can think of, rather than dragging everyone out west, and it's easy enough from euston/kings cross for the northerners. so about 30 mins in a taxi from mine, basically.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:25, Reply)

I'll be coming from Marylebone
But if it's within zones 1 or 2 I'll get there no problem.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:26, Reply)

it's v easy from marylebone
you'll be fine
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:33, Reply)

30 MINUTE TAXI?!
Bloody hell!
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:39, Reply)

*Reads*
In London, about 200 yards, but someone will have stupid shoes on and be unable to walk.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:40, Reply)

I never do taxis.
I live by a place with buses to pretty much everywhere. I'm probably at most 3 buses away from anywhere in London.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:41, Reply)

FACT OF THE DAY ^
Right there.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:43, Reply)

MY LIFE IS FASCINATING.
Would you prefer this:

In regards to the treaty: Aeneas begins as he “originated the arrangement” (Servius) Fowler: is the hero, and perhaps to contrast the “roman dignity and tranquillity of Aeneas’ speech” with the “greater fervour of that of Latinus, which seems comparitavely wanting in self-possession” pg 60
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Stingray is better.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:49, Reply)

Just a quick point ...
Didn't someone else ask if this was the Fence you were talking about? I only ask because their website says they're closed on Saturdays. Of course that could be out of date though ... ?
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:57, Reply)

How many people can you fit into the bathroom?
I've noticed over the years that women have to go for a piss en mass, if you can't get 7 people in your bathroom, then you might have a problem.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:58, Reply)

They can all squat over swipeys bed

(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:59, Reply)

lol

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

dunno
the bathroom is about 12feet by 15feet i think, from when i bought it. it had a ridiculous wooden four poster bath in there too, if you were taller than about 5'6 you could not get in the shower, my bloke hated it.

the new bathroom, however, is one of my best features.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

*Reads*
Swipe is proud of her plumbing.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:01, Reply)

I can see it now, barging each other out the way of the mirrors
Twenty different hair dryers/straighteners/curlers plugged in hap-hazardously, empty bottles of Lambrini strewn across the place and "Here come the girls" playing in the background.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:59, Reply)

After a few bottle of wine one of them will make a harumph noise
and the others will ask her whats wrong and she'll go "It's my breasts, I'm just not sure they're firm and juicy enough" and one of the others will go "But you have lovely breasts, mine aren't as good, here, look" and then another one will go "No look at mine, they are nothing like as good as hers".

I saw this on a documentary once so it does happen.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

I think I saw that one too
Didn't the shy one then quietly ask one of the sluttier ones what it's like to kiss a boy?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Yeah, only because they didn't have any boys with them
they all showed her by practising on each other. That's what girls do when there aren't any boys around.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Y'see, I suspected this was the case
Glad to have it confirmed.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:09, Reply)

yes
this is exactly what we do. we don't just confine it to breasts, though.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:09, Reply)

Well I know that
but I didn't want to give away the end of the documentary
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:10, Reply)

That's ok, it sounds like one that I'll watch over and over

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Well what happens is that one of them says "Oh girls you'll never guess what I bought as a joke"
and then gets out some strawberry flavoured lube, and she says the others should try it, but the shy one then surprises everyone by actually squirting it on her breasts.

Then they all take turns trying the lube.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:14, Reply)

I saw a bit where one of them slips on the lube and falls
She looks unhurt, and laughs it off, but just as she's about to get up she notices a box under the bed. She pulls it out and they all giggle at the collection of sex toys found within. One then says "Oh my, that one's huge! That'd never fit!".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:17, Reply)

I'm totally picturing the start of this happening at Swipes place
but with all the others looking increasingly more uncomfortable and then horrified as Swipe goes through the entire process described above on her own.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:19, Reply)

i am not sure i want to meet you now
the reality can only disappoint
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:21, Reply)

But everyone thinks I'm quite nice in real life
and TGB always says she forgets that I'm not actually grotesquely obese and is therefore surprised to see me looking like I've lost weight.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:23, Reply)

How odd.
Most people think I'm a cunt. We appear to have swapped...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Not really
Everyone thinks your a cunt on here too.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:29, Reply)

That's not correct.
It's "you're".
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Sorry Lampers
I'll try not to let it happen again
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:34, Reply)

It's fine, I like cocksuckers.
/ac

Of course I meant it's fine, I like YOU
(why the hell is that on autocomplete?!)
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:36, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:36, Reply)

At least I know the difference between you're and your
Ah, now I see where your coming from
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:34, Reply)

Hahaha!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:21, Reply)

And then Swipes guests turn up?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

I have a picture in my head of the bash.
Everybody around the table, girls chatting together and all the men with a distant, glazed expression on their faces because one of the girls has a faint reddish smudge on her otherwise smashing blouse.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:29, Reply)

Or it'll be like a school disco.
All the boys on one side of the pub, all the girls on the other too afraid to speak to each other.

There will be tears before bed-time I'm sure.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:31, Reply)

I can't imagine the girls here
being too afraid to talk to anyone. The boys, well naturally. They'll all be too busy concentrating on not putting their hands in their pockets.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:32, Reply)

And trying not to spill shandy on their Star Trek outfit.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:33, Reply)

you're not even coming
so you don't get to comment!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:35, Reply)

That's because I've been banned from attending.

( Kroney, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:38, Reply)

If Al jumps in front of me in the queue I'm punching him

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Cancer is a small price to pay
for the chance to shit in Swipe's bed.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:48, Reply)

So, out of all the lovely ladies staying at Swipe's that night
All those drunken, giggly, suggestible ladies... and you want to shit in Swipe's bed?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Meh, married men have to get their kicks where they can.
It's not like i'm allowed to actually touch them.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)