I just paid a parking fine to Hammersmith and Fulham council
The only reason I got a fine was because of that idiotic pastime of cretinous neanderthals that is football; because whilst parking is generally free on Sunday's everywhere it's not when Fulham are playing. The selfish wankers.

I pointed out that I don't check the entire football listings before going to my friends for Sundeay cake but this fell on deaf ears and I had to pay, bastards.

So why is football rubbish aside from the injury faking, obnoxiousness, rape, greed and arrogance.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:32, 220 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The fact none of them are gay.
Which doesn't seem likely.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:37, Reply)

Should be about one per team if that 10% thing is correct.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:38, Reply)

Everyone who plays for Bristol Rovers is a fruit.
The same is also true of their supporters, both of them are bent too.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Are you a Bristol united fan by any chance?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

United City
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

ha ha ha
I lived in Bristol for 4 years...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:51, Reply)

And you can't remember the name of both Brizzle teams?
Old age is a terrible thing.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

i live in brizzle now
they're both shite
( zulu eh?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:34, Reply)

Cristiano Ronaldo is very nice to look at.

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:39, Reply)

That's as maybe
He's still a cunt
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:40, Reply)

probably
but he's so hot
*drools*
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:41, Reply)

So we're allowed to be cunts, as long as we're hot?
Can you give me a rating out of ten so I can establish how cunty I'm allowed to be? I assume you have a cunty/hot scale a la Barney Stinson
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
You get a 1.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

he just wants me to tell him how hot I think he is

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

Damn straight
Validate me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:58, Reply)

is that what I said?

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

he lived next door to my mate's parents when he was oop north
disappointingly we never got invited to a single sexy party.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:41, Reply)

Parties require invites
Invites require the ability to write
Writing requires basic brain function
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

Love this

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

gee, did he break your crayons in elementary school or something?

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

he is NOT hot
but it is a foolish woman who forgets the mantra: he might have fit mates.

likewise it is a foolish man who forgets the following: women talk.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:49, Reply)

and who do you think is hotter than him?
I think he's a stone cold fox.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:54, Reply)

b r a d l e y c o o p e r

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

putting spaces between the letters doesn't make it true

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:57, Reply)

no but his extreme divinity makes it oh so dreamily true!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

he is fucking gorgeous
espesh with the shaved head in Failure to Launch
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

She is right though
I think Ronaldo's goofy-looking, but I accept my verdict may be coloured by him being the single most punchable man in the world. Including Chris Hollins.

The following are definitely significantly better looking than him, or Bradley Cooper;

Mark Salling
David Beckham
Mark McGrath
Brad Pitt (still)
Jamie Bamber
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

I'll step in here and say that Cristiano Ronaldo has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle
it goes perfectly with his personality.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

i'll step in here and say
oh my god you're both gay!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)

why?
because I said another bloke is fucking ugly?

pretty sure that doesn't make me gay.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Vipros is right
I'm the only one deserving of your homophobic ire, if you consider an ability to assess the attractiveness of members of the same gender - an ability I'm assured most women possess - to be gay
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

women are usually wrong about other women they think are the most attractive

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

how so?

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:18, Reply)

in my experience
the views of men and women on the most attractive women are not the same.

I justify saying this is wrong because women are designed to be attractive to men to encourage the propagation of the species.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:20, Reply)

god messed something up there because I'm definitely not reeling anything in

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:21, Reply)

his biggest failing was not existing

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:25, Reply)

by your theory then, who designed women to be attractive?

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

I didn't mean literally designed

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:32, Reply)

I'm sure you didn't.

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:38, Reply)

my point is that if we're designed to be attractive, why aren't we all gorgeous?

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:43, Reply)

The ugly ones are mutants, clearly.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

I need a badge or something

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:57, Reply)

Yes, this is generally true
In Kristine's case, she's staggeringly wrong about men who are attractive. Maybe this makes her an excellent judge of female hotness
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Everyone has different tastes.

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:20, Reply)

Agreed
He is the male, Portuguese, talented version of Yoko Ono
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

that's the stupidest thing I've ever read

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

No it isn't
For one thing, I've written stupider. Probably today. For another, it's perfectly logical. Cristiano Ronaldo is male, he's Portuguese, he's talented, and Yoko Ono has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:12, Reply)

You clearly read what I say and twist it into a completely different sentence in your mind.
I didn't say that was the stupidest thing you've ever written.

Besides, it's my opinion, I think he's fucking hot.
At the end of the day it doesn't matter, he won't be with either of us, even if I do think he's actually gay.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

I understand what you meant
I was inferring that I've written dumber things than that, which you've read, therefore eliminating the possibility of that being the stupidest thing you've ever read. Especially since it actually makes perfect, albeit somewhat cruel, sense.

Ronaldo's nailed Paris Hilton, hasn't he? That would turn anyone gay
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:20, Reply)

DID HE NOW.
I love Paris, her birthday is on Thursday.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:21, Reply)

Dude
*looks genuinely appalled*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

I'm American. What do you expect?

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:32, Reply)

You're intelligent, so I expect you not to love her
or even acknowledge her existence, ideally
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:38, Reply)

HA! I'm so not intelligent.
And I do acknowledge her, I have her first cd and love it.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:42, Reply)

I've changed my mind
I no longer want a mark out of ten
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:44, Reply)

too bad, it was relatively high

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:49, Reply)

I issue my stock response to such a claim by an actual living female
I don't believe you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

Proof, right there.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

Are. You. HIGH?
NO, ok, NO FUCK NO, NOT REALLY, NO
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Really, he is very, very oily
He makes the Gulf of mexico look clean
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:41, Reply)

it's nowhere near as rubbish as parking anywhere under hammersmith and fulham council
i'm just off high st ken, and i fall into h&f by one road. this doubles my council tax and means that the parking is unutterably shite. instead of one permit for the whole borough, as you get with kensington & chelsea, it's split into tiny zones and god help you if you put one wheel in the neighbouring zone despite having had to pay h&f through the nose for the privilege of leaving your car on their shitty streets already.

also they must be the last borough in london to have shitty shitty coin meters and no ability to pay by text or mobile or even bank card. AND it's £3 an hour on my street... who has that in change? which of course is why they do it. grrr.

AND they keep closing my road for crap like filming or tree cutting and towing people away if they don't move their cars in the feeble 48 hours or so notice. why can't they do everything on the same day? why?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:40, Reply)

I have zones as well, getting pretty normal,
Luckily i also have offstreet parking!

Council tax is a bitch, I'm not far from the Wandsworth border where it is cheap as chips, instead I pay Richmond rates!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

and yet k&c and westminster have some of the lowest annual rates in the country
i hate council tax. i hardly use any of the bloody services, and the one thing i did like, the local library, is getting the chop. get rid of some bloody councillors instead!

offstreet parking... jealous. i have been waiting for a space behind my flat for 4 years now.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:49, Reply)

I have a garage...

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Don't talk about your Mum like that

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:54, Reply)

does it have a rusty roof?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

oh em geeeeee I told my ginger friend about this
she was unimpressed
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:56, Reply)

Moss grows on the top of it.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:58, Reply)

Are you sure you're not Scottish?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:41, Reply)

*breathes into breathaliser*
Green, so no.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

Hang on a minute....
The crystals are starting to go ginger.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:45, Reply)

Hahaha
Racial stereotypinglols
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:45, Reply)

it provides the means by which Joey Barton will make more money in a few years than many of us will in our lifetime.

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

But he is still called 'Joey'
I'm not sure how much money I'd need before I'd be happy with that.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

£10
that's all you need to buy a m&s dinner for 2 and "impress" some chick with your romantic skills, no?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:50, Reply)

cheaper than buying himself flowers

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

hmmmmmm
two bunches. two guys on here harping on about me sending them to myself. hmmmm. 2 + 2 = did you and jeff send them???????
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:02, Reply)

I couldn't afford to send them to my fiancee
don't think I'd waste a bunch on you when I know you'll have provided for yourself
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

you're protesting WAY too much
did you send the mixed lot or the red roses?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

I'd guess the roses,
he's not terribly imaginative after all.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

roses are my absolute favourites
i love them!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:33, Reply)

Oh really?
Then they were from me.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:41, Reply)

and they were BEAUTIFUL
i have them in my hall and have been texting pics to everyone!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:52, Reply)

The fact you are trying to desperatly attribute your purchases to people on here smacked of desperation.
Admit it, you sent them to yourself.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

How you doin'?
see what I did there
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:02, Reply)

You don't buy dinner like that, you fool!
You go and buy the ingredients and then you prepare something that isn't full of preservatives and e-number.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:03, Reply)

it still screams "i'm pikey and cheeeeeeap"
compared to booking a wonderful restaurant and both of you dressing up and making a real effort
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

this saddens me
and is fairly shallow.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

sssssh
i'm winding jeff up.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

I don't think you are.
you are making yourself look like a bit of a twat
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

collateral damage
i can cope.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Consider me wound up.
HUGZ 4U LOL
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

No it doesn't.
Yes, going out is nice, and yes getting dressed up and going out is nice too.

But there is nothing cheap and pikey about cooking a meal.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

Not if they buy and make wonderful food.
Or even your favourite comfort food.
Watching someone enjoy something you've lovingly made is erm, kind of sensual. God, I adore food.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:12, Reply)

More like a few weeks.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:50, Reply)

*sigh*
too true.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

There's a burger at Happy Chippy in town named after him.
It's a battered sausage in a bun covered in ketchup. I don't know why it's called a Joey Barton.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:52, Reply)

that sounds fucking RANK

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Don't worry I've never tried it.
In fact I haven't eaten takeaway food for about a year because all of it up here is a load of fucking pony.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

Everyone should know when Fulham are playing.
Because we're ace. Although I currently hope a certain Septic midfielder dies after missing a 94th minute penalty in our biggest game of the season last night, so take some solace from that.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Which position is you play again?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:56, Reply)

Taker

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

"is you play"
"IS YOU PLAY"
"IS YOU PLAY"

You fucking disgust me.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:02, Reply)

thank god the semi-literate "that's the joke" pic has been retired
otherwise it would doubtless have appeared here.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:03, Reply)

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

even you will have to delete this shortly
5... 4... 3....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

'Baldmonkey!!!1111!!!!'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

i have a lot more sympathy for baldmonkey now i've seen what he looks like

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:10, Reply)

What does he look like?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

dreamy is not the word
of course there might well be some similarities between a bald monkey and a naked ape...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Waki personified

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1033607
(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

Poor Piston
He never twigged
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:34, Reply)

You have failed to mention how working class it is.
Nor have you referred to the sheer arse-clenching tedium of the game (watching and/or playing), the all-male bathing/cuddling 'issue', the eyeball-drilling vacuousness of the 'commentary' ('eehrm, dey won't be happy with thaa - dey'd have wanted dat to gew in, dere' etc), the 'all-join-in' ghastly crowd participation - and 'cameraderie' (just Fuck Off please), the 'we' nonsense supporters talk, etc etc etc

Cunts. Grotty, common little oiks, the lot of them.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:53, Reply)

I wanted to leave you some space to rant
Consider your mission accomplised!

Wehn Chelsea are playing it's not even worth venturing out as Fulham is filled with fat, loud, smelly, drunk, tattooed plebs shouting their stupid slogans.

If football must persist all grounds should be moved to out of town areas...that are heavily mined.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:57, Reply)

My old offices were off the New Kings Road
Hell on earth when Fulham or Chelsea played at their respective grounds. Fucking mong-browed simians with flag capes everywhere.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:59, Reply)

And then there's the vacuous, gold-digging Wags
And the celebrity 'culture' that's formed out of the putrid miasma surrounding them, their fucking shopping trips, the cheating, the pikey marriages and their cunting Real Life stories.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 14:57, Reply)

The whole tawdry industry is grotesque.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:00, Reply)

I hate the assumption that I will watch England matches because I'm English
Fuck right off, I'm not patriotic at the best of times, and I loathe football to the point where I actively wish a painful death on everyone involved with the industry, which definitely includes the fans.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:03, Reply)

You seem to be missing the one, vital, unifying factor that football brings to the whole world...
...everyone hates Glasgow Rangers.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:00, Reply)

Rangers
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

you haven't really touched on the complete fucking dullness of hearing people talking about it all the fucking time.

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:02, Reply)

How remiss of me.
It's incredible to me how many words can be written and spoken about literally nothing whatsoever. Reams and reams of pointless speculation, or, worse still 'say what you see' style descriptions of something that has alreadty happened.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:04, Reply)

I even get bored of my own hate-filled rants about football

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Football isn't about football.
It's about meeting your mates in the pub and getting off your face. Half the time I don't make it into the ground, it's the worst part of the day.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:04, Reply)

you can do that quite happily without football you know
and it's far more enjoyable because you remove the tedium of having to talk about football
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)

I can do that without any sport being involved
That's another thing, pubs that put the football on can all burn to the ground 'n' all.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)

I manage to regularly achieve this without football even entering my mind.

EDIT right on, chaps
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)

split infinitive?
monty, you're slipping. you'll be saying "thats the joke" before we know it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

I am so angry at the moment that my English is suffering.
Sorry.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:20, Reply)

Ah but I don't see the people I've gotten to know through Fulham at any other time.
We all live in different parts of London and are far too unorganised to sort any thing off our own backs.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:10, Reply)

You met them through football
Therefore your life would be immeasurably better if you'd never met them at all.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

you'd never met them at all they'd never beeen born
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

Don't talk such utter crap
you don't like football yes I get it, it doesn't mean you're better than anyone who does.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

Yes it does

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:14, Reply)

No it doesn't
Labs, don't make me side with Chompy against you. It feels dirty, and not in the good way. On this occasion you leave me no choice, so utterly wrong are you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

You make your bed, you lie in it
Just don't complain about blackouts, memory loss and a burning sensation 'down there'.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Oh please
You won't touch the sides
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:21, Reply)

I wasn't talking about me

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

You're a big man, but you're in bad shape
With me it's a full-time job. Now behave yourself.

(I was saving this for Vippers cos I know he's taller than me but couldn't resist. Apologies if you're shorter than 5'11". Not mocking your height)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

I'm 5'10"
But 6'4" with my hair up.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:31, Reply)

In which case my quote stands
However, if you can tell me which film it's from I shall spare you the ass-whupping you've talked yourself into
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

Get Carter (seeing as you're being ignored by Lab)
The line was said by Micky Caine to Alf Roberts from Corrie.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Correct
I will now not kick your ass
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

You're just begging for the strikethroughs now, aren't you?
You dirty boy.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:53, Reply)

you're 5'11"?
I didn't know they stacked shit that high!

/gunnery sergeant hartman
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:34, Reply)

Very well done, sir

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

No it doesn't. Now if the anti football lot
can stop having such a hissy fit on a par with the ones you complain about on field we can get back to talking about something more interesting.
Like mould, or how we drink our tea.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

Haha!
Whilst I admit the whole Apple Fanboy vs Anti-Apple Fanboy rantings are boring as fuck, I do like to go off on one about football. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:20, Reply)

or indeed what constitutes "something more interesting"
as i don't think you'll find mould or tea under any definition.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:25, Reply)

argh stop it stop it stop it
the lousy grammar is far and away the most offensive thing you've ever posted on here!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:32, Reply)

Fucking hell, it's Monty laying into something he doesn't like
Come see, everyone! Roll up! Once in a lifetime opportunity!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

You're fucking next, pal.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

Next?
Next for what, exactly? Do elaborate, dear boy
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:14, Reply)

BUMMING

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:14, Reply)

That's hardly a threat, is it?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

Well, with the injury faking, obnoxiousness, rape, greed and arrogance
you have many of the main points covered, however I would also like to point out how festeringly tedious it is, how chronically knuckle-draggingly braindead both the players and the fans are, it's overpriced, they're overpaid and the women that are associated with it are all a bunch of shrieking orange harpies.
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:02, Reply)

some of the men are hot though
the spanish team looked blindingly tasty in their lovely dark blue kit this last world cup.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

They really aren't
oily, arrogant little scumbags the lot of 'em.
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

Rapists too, don't forget

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:12, Reply)

this is a beautiful summary

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)

Monty's is probably better
but since I lack his eloquence, it'll have to do.
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

I'm busting this one out again
BOOM
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

Ahahaha
*click*
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

CUNTBOLLOCKSARSESHITCUNTFUCKINGCUNTSHIT.
My mother turns 60 this year and my ex is objecting to my taking my daughter on the most preposterous grounds I've ever heard:

'she won't know many people'

I pointed out that she'd better not ever start school then,on those grounds. Stupid fucking bitch.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:12, Reply)

That is a retarded excuse

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:12, Reply)

You're joking?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

jesus fucking christ
surely by now you have grounds to have her committed to a secure facility on the basis that she is too fucking stupid to be allowed to be in general circulation?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

Ordinarily I'd suggest a protracted course of logical argument
but I believe this has proven ineffective in the past. Assuming that having her committed is not an option, I suggest loading her into a trebuchet and flinging her at France
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

I bet she likes football

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

she is right though monty
it's not as if her dad would be there, or her grandmother, or her cousins, or as if she is THREE YEARS OLD AND THEREFORE NOT EXACTLY CONCERNED WITH THE USUAL SOCIAL NICETIES THAT HAMSTRING PEOPLE AT PARTIES...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

She should just do what i do when I don't know anyone
Get hideously drunk, AND she can probably get away with crying and soiling herself.

This is why I don't come to bashes...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:20, Reply)

Will there be free food and wine?
If so I'll take her place.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

it'd be like a bad sitcom
as monty pushes you around, bonnet on, dummy in mouth.

"yes this is len, yes she's very big for her age."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:25, Reply)

big rapey
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Yes, she has Down's Syndrome.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

this is really childish
this really made me laugh
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:27, Reply)

Hahah
'and smokes rather a lot for someone of her age - we're hoping it's just a phase'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:29, Reply)

yes auntie maude, she IS very fond of beer for a 3 year old female

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:31, Reply)

'Auntie Maude'?
I'm not from 'Coronation Street', you know.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:32, Reply)

i know
if you were, it would be auntie shazzer.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:35, Reply)

Don't be daft, he's Scotch
Auntie Haggis, maybe
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:40, Reply)

I am pro-haggis

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:43, Reply)

I'm now involved in a fucking hateful text war
which I urgently need to back away from. I'm supposed to be staying over at hers tonight but I am way too angry to set foot in her house at the moment and I have told her so.

*fumes*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:28, Reply)

surely the most important thing
is how much len would enjoy the party. tell her not to deprive her own daughter of a party!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

Am I wrong to stay out of the way this evening?
The last thing I want to do is kick off in front of Eleni and I am so fucked off I fear I will struggle to control my temper.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:33, Reply)

it depends on what lies she might feed Len in your absence
about why you aren't there. If that's not an issue then your plan of action is the best one.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:35, Reply)

She's not old enough to know what day it is,
and will be in bed by 8pm anyway.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:38, Reply)

would you say that "she doesn't know if it's arsehole or breakfast time"?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:40, Reply)

Not personally, no.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:42, Reply)

interesting
*makes a note*

and how does that make you feel?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:45, Reply)

Tumescent....and wistful.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:50, Reply)

you'll miss her if you don't go

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

I miss her every fucking day.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:40, Reply)

Instead of missing your child, have you tried a nice cold bottle of Yop? They come in all flavours these days, including peach.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:53, Reply)

The doc says if I have any more Yop my veins will collapse.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

How about a couple of yakolts instead?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 16:02, Reply)

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 16:09, Reply)

What about one of those Yops that aren't yop but they're forign and taste nicer, mostly ?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 16:25, Reply)

What about one of those Yops that aren't yop but they're forign and taste nicer, mostly ?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 16:25, Reply)

Just say "I'm sorry I got upset, I just was really looking forward to it and thought len would love it
can we talk about this tonight"

Add smilies as well.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:33, Reply)

She's already told me she won't discuss it tonight.
Plus she'll think someone's stolen my phone.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:34, Reply)

Yes suck it up and control your temper.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:35, Reply)

I agree with Chompy
for the umpteenth time this month.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

I'm a reply spaz today though.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

I know where you meant to put it.
Rapist.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:41, Reply)

Thanks, thief.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

That's the point, it'll put her off guard.
Take the bit about talking about it tonight off and send it over, I bet she's waiting for an excuse to stop you coming over tonight don't give her one.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:37, Reply)

No, I think she's desperate to go out for the night.
Being reminded of the fact that I am a free babysitter on call whenever she likes and I can take that away if she's a cunt, might be a good idea.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:38, Reply)

You need Rasta Mouse.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:42, Reply)

give her wine
lots of it
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:45, Reply)

I need that wine for me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

we're over 200 replies now
does that mean 2 news links?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 16:01, Reply)

Just the one thread from me. And no link.
This thread is making me very sad indeed.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 16:08, Reply)

if he hadn't given her one in the first place...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:38, Reply)

yeah
whilst it is actually a very sensible and thoughtful statement (albeit the product of a diseased manipulative mind), anyone who knows you really well would know that it wasn't sincere.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

If she won't discuss it, is there a chance she realises you're in the right and she is trying to find a way of changing her mind without looking like you've won?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:37, Reply)

Don't let the babby miss out on seeing you tonight.
You brought the poor little thing into this world by banging that nutter.
Don't miss out on a visit. She'll give in when you calm down. She likes a ruck.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 15:34, Reply)