No offence Gonz but that thread doesn't seem overly inspirational.
Tell me about the best day of your life. Or the worst - if it is funny. Any reference to alcoholic parents will result in your being marooned on the Isle of Wight for ever. With NakedApe and his 'joke book'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 11:59, 123 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Near The Top
EDIT - poll now closed
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:00, Reply)

The best day of your life was when you were raped by Chompy?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:01, Reply)

His wildest dream came true
My best day was when al got a bit drunk at a bash and blurted out "Everyone has a rape fantasy, don't they?".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Is that a joke or did it really happen?!

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:04, Reply)

It really happened
the difference is, most peoples "rape fantasy" involves them being raped. In mine, I'm wearing a Chompy mask and lurking in an alleyway.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Oh god that's spectacular. I love you.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Trigger Fingers

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

Strike that, reverse it
Poor fella,
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

We thought it was a joke, and laughed
Then it got awkward as no-one spoke in agreement with him. He kept looking at us, expecting someone to at least give a cursory "yeah", but it was made worse when he said "Oh come on guys, everyone has one or two fantasies about being raped. It's natural!".
I think he went on to explain it more, but I went to the bar.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:13, Reply)

I read this as
Al craves man meat
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

I'll drag you down an alley when I see you next.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

That was to al. I'm on my phone and cba editing.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Way to break my heart, Lampers.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:17, Reply)

HAHA!
Lampers wants to rape me more than you!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

Oh but of course.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:19, Reply)

HAHA!
Applebite prefers me to you!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:19, Reply)

When did she say that?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:22, Reply)

On here and in the pub

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Holy shit!
Promise?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:17, Reply)

You can be next in the rape queue.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:19, Reply)

I figure that, if I'm going to be bumraped
I might as well have it done by the best.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

worst day
i posted it on b3ta ages ago, all went a bit wrong with love-of-life at uni, i stormed off heartbroken to bed, lay there crying into the darkness thinking nothing could ever get any worse than this, then massive farting noise was the only warning i got before the ceiling above my attic bedroom split and i got drenched in a century of rusty roof water and pigeon shit. shudder.

obv the day my mum collapsed and died was not one i'll forget in a hurry either.

best days - yesterday was pretty cool, now i come to think of it. any time i've been to alton towers. the day in grenada on a tiny private plane then an antique schooner snorkelling with turtles on the empty grenadines paradise islands. loads and loads of them!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:05, Reply)

the ceiling above my attic bedroom split and i got drenched in a century of rusty roof water and pigeon my ex ran into the room, jumped into bed with me and did a massive
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:06, Reply)

different ex, sadly
god i've had some real peaches in my time
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Alton Towers.
Why? It's full of northern people queuing.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:11, Reply)

This is as we have manners
You fucking Southern pusher-in-errers!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Good question sir!
Best Day: I'll not go with kids being born/wedding day as that sort of stuff should go without saying. I shall pick Wednesday 21st June 2000 - my first visit to Glastonbury. Now us northen types have quite an epic journey to get there, hence setting off at 9am on the Wednesday to get there.

Arriving into Sunderland town centre to raid Food Giant for 96 cans of lager to sate the thirst on the train journeys. Train into Newcastle. Train from Newcastle to Taunton (6 hours of lager and poker playing). 30 mins wait at Taunton so jumped into a taxi to replenish lager supplies at offy. Taunton down to Castle Cary in an old-skool carraige, spliffing all the way. Hour bus from Castle Cary into the site, then pitching the tents, etc. Sat up drinking and smoking all night with my best mates - priceless!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:07, Reply)

I think my best day so far
was Christmas Day 2008. I was staying in a house in Blueys Beach NSW with my then girlfriend and my cousin and her kids and her partner.

We had got up and had champagne and scrambled eggs and smoked salmon for breakfast and then opened presents and then gone to the beach for a swim. Then we came back to the house and prepared dinner, we had a massive ham and a turkey and loads of prawns which we marinated in soy sauce and garlic.

Then me and the eldest kid fired up the BBQ and stood there cooking the prawns and drinking some cold beers.

Then we all say down and had our freshly cooked prawns as a starter, then once we'd cleared the plates away I made the unusual step of standing up and saying a few words.

I thanked my cousin for organising the beach house and all the food and said how grateful we were for letting us stay with her and then I said "I would like to propose a toast, but before I do that I have another proposal to make" and I turned to my then girlfriend and said "I know you weren't expecting this because you expressly forbade me from asking you this on christmas day, but would you do me the very great honour of agreeing to marry me?"

And then she said yes and she cried, and I cried a bit, and my cousin cried and then they all cheered and we drank more champagne.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:07, Reply)

funnily enough
that's the worst day of her life too...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:09, Reply)

hahaha!
I blame the champagne
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

I like this.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Sounds a bit bent to me.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

how gauche
I went to the most isolated place I could find, so if she said no I could bludgeon her to death and bury her body in a peat bog
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:11, Reply)

I like the cut of your jib sir

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

*takes notes*
Sound thinking, young man.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:13, Reply)

I have to say
proposing in front of other people is gauche in the extreme. Talk about put someone on the spot. I don't like Al any more.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

I think we should burn him
Or at the very least brand him.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:15, Reply)

On my phone that looks like "bum him"
the surprising thing is that I actually zoomed in to confirm rather than accepting that was what you'd said.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:33, Reply)

I was annoyed that a couple of people turned up to admire the stone circle
shortly after I'd proposed. Particularly as they then went on to ruin the photos I was taking of it.

What on earth were tourists thinking, being at the top of a hill on the Outer Hebrides in April ffs.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:15, Reply)

were they German?
they crop up in odd places, usually trying to avoid other Germans.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

I didn't speak to them, or go anywhere near them
just gave them a good scowling
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:19, Reply)

My family used to do this all the time.
We'd visit some site on holiday and get really fucking pissed off if anyone else had the bad manners to visit at the same time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:25, Reply)

You should be thankful
They were going to McCann the shit out of you.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Aww. You almost seem human.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:11, Reply)

Doesn't look it though

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

Looks like about six humans* welded together.

*called 'Rik Waller'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:15, Reply)

The human centipede whale
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Yesterday was pretty damn good.
Shopping, meat, meat, Nic Cage, meat, cheesecake and beautiful people. Cost a fucking bomb though :(
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Nick Cage's meat?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

If only.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

I can only assume that his penis
has gobe very bald in the middle and he tries to cover this with a dodgy sweeping pube haircut
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:13, Reply)

dodgy sweeping pube haircut bird
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Your argument is invalid etc etc

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:17, Reply)

quite

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:35, Reply)

15 April 1989, Hillsborough football stadium, Sheffield
Can't even bring myself to joke about how it was the best day of my life. That was when I realised that some things are more important than football.

Obviously that ludicrous notion elapsed pretty quickly, but it was still a fucking horrible day
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:11, Reply)

things more important than football:
1. everything
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

SPORT OF QUEENS

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

Tennis.
www.queensclub.co.uk/
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

Not linking the image again
Just close your eyes and imagine it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

2. everything else

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

Well said sir!

(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

I was trying to make light for fear that I be called a melodramatic bastard
but as that hasn't paid off, you fucking well imagine watching dozens of people lying dead on a football pitch at the age of ten

You SHIT
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Darth you utter bender

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:17, Reply)

I'm aware that is must have been horrible
but it's not the only time people have died in horrific circumstances. They don't get any extra sympathy.

That's something that fucked me off about recent coverage of disasters. The BBC were reporting as if it didn't matter a damn that other people had died or lost their homes or whatever, they only wanted to know about the British.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:22, Reply)

I fucking hate that
I heard a report about the Christchurch quake that stated how many dead were British FIRST. Fucks sakes. Unless you have family out there (I do, different island though) you're not going to know them whether they were British or not.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:26, Reply)

I don't like that either
"80,000 forrins were killed in an earthquake, but none o' the Queen's citizens died so here's Tom with the weather."
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:28, Reply)

+ on 9, Hillsborough football stadium, Sheffield 4, The London Pallaium was the scene of Tommy's show once more
It was a full house and he had the crowd eating out of his hand once more
Everything, as usual, seemed completely unplanned
And in what seemed like a finale Tommy dropped to the floor
Causing the room to erupt into laughter and rapturous applause
the curtain closed, lights went up and there was no encore
Everybody left there seats and headed for the door
Unbeknownst to them they had witness Tommy Cooper's death
He had given his all until he had nothing left
Now please note that at th moment that this entertainer died
Even with a room full of people not one tear was cried
Much less, they rose to their feet as they lauged and clapped
Now tell me one fucking thing that's more beautiful than that...
Cos' im sure i cant think of one.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Hahahhaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Dan le Sac?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

...and Scoobius Pip.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8zi7vcnjVc
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:35, Reply)

*stands up*
*applauds vigorously*
*sits down, awaits next salvo*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

I thought it was fucking brilliant.
I wish that happened across the nation every fucking weekend.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Your comment has been noted

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:21, Reply)

see also
The Herald of Free Enterprise
That boat with the party on it
WWII
The Hindenberg
Michael Ryan

etc etc
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:26, Reply)

Wanna buy a lorry?
It fell off the back of a ferry.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:26, Reply)

*chortles*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:28, Reply)

Next time you're whinging, son...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:32, Reply)

This

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:36, Reply)

You don't count, you're a peasant who buys Ferrero Rocher with your own hard-earned cash.
If you'd got some quail eggs 'on tick' he might respect you.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:40, Reply)

I don't expect respect from any B3tan
I doubt this comes as a shock
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:44, Reply)

I was showing you respect right there! ^
You fucker!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:47, Reply)

It's so difficult to keep up with what's sarcasm and what's not
Er... thank you :-)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:49, Reply)

I'm not surprised
That must have been fucking awful
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

My mate was there and he was in that pen, but he escaped, and his mum couldn't find him. he was only about ten.
And my cousin's cousin died. He was eighteen. My dad was pretending to have a shave but he was sobbing, but I kept staring at him, and eventually he said "I babysat him, and I still think of him as little like you." and I felt like I'd done something wrong.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

That's horrible
Every time I think about that day it chills me to the bone to imagine how much worse it must have been to be at the other end.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Naked pedalo joyriding.
Best day ever.
( wanderlust, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Oh thanks. I was going to say 'meeting you'.
Now I'm not, I'm going to go with 'when the Blue Peter garden was vandalised'. It was pretty close anyway to be honest.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:17, Reply)

hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

No you weren't you liar.
You would have said
1. The Blue Peter garden being vandalised.
2. Any day that involves going to Tayyabs.
3. Any day that involves buying records.
( wanderlust, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:22, Reply)

4. When Joey Deacon flipped his shoe into the sea
5. Meeting you
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:26, Reply)

4 lols

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Which one wasn't funny?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:33, Reply)

You are Freddie Flintoff
AICMFP
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:17, Reply)

This would be the best day I was not there for

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

I read this as naked peado joy riding

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:19, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:37, Reply)

Nope, I don't have a best day, nobody got engaged.
Another very good day was when I got lots of good 7" singles and we drove to a faraway Asda and I got Monster Munch (beef of course) and cola Hubba Bubba and a lovely green travel toothbrush and there were good songs on in the car and I farted and my mum and dad got cross but not really and we laughed and sang.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

This is more my kind of answer!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

It was sunny as well.
And we got home in time for Top of the Pops.
And it being Thursday, there will have been boss comedy on afterwards.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Brush Stokes or Birds of the Feather is my guess.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:25, Reply)

I quite liked Joking Apart

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Kristallnacht.
(best, obv)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

I really want to not find this funny
You bastard.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:30, Reply)

What is funny about drinking champagne?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:33, Reply)

*something about drinking it from a hollowed-out Jew's skull*
You do it Monty, I haven't had the practice
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Doesn't keep the fizz

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:35, Reply)

It'd leak out the eye sockets too
A symbolic, rather than effective, drinking method
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:41, Reply)

They haven't really thought this all through, have they?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Usually they're so well-organised

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:45, Reply)

That Himmler just couldnt be arsed with the details, could he?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:50, Reply)

I suppose victorious symbolism was fairly low on his list of priorities

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:54, Reply)

One of my best days was when I passed my driving test first go, eight years ago.
First time I've ever felt a sense of achievment.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:32, Reply)

I have nightmares that I've passed my test and they're making me drive

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Nobody is going to make you do anything you don't want to Roota.
Apart from the bad man who lives in your wardrobe.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:35, Reply)

+djtp

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:36, Reply)

^this

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Woo! Go Blousie.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:34, Reply)

I know.
I was buzzing for a month.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Is that because your car vibrates a lot?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:39, Reply)

VW BEEtle

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:39, Reply)

It meant the world was my oyster Al.
But so far I've only ever driven as far as the Lake District.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Did you train it to DG + Tourettes?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Yes.
I hate driving long distance. It's boring.
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:44, Reply)

Did you at least get fingered once you got there?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:43, Reply)

Only the once.

( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 12:44, Reply)