UPDATE!!!!!!!
Sainsbury’s ‘Hot and Spicy’ pizza:

Cooking time from chilled: 10-12 mins
From frozen: 19 mins!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone somewhere has their maths TERRIBLY WRONG.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:37, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Microwaved pizza?
Never mind the maths. Something has gone TERRIBLY WRONG with the whole of society.

edit: hang on ... that's conventional oven times, isn't it? That'd be different sums. But fucking hell ... pizza should only take about three minutes. What the fuck is that shit made of?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Oh shit yes that was indeed oven not microwave, but the same ratio should apply shouldn't it?
I am not one of life's Domestic Scientists.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Microwaves penetrate food so it should be pretty straightforward transfer of energy.
In conventional ovens the heat has to penetrate the food from the outside so it's going to be more complicated. Although I would imagine it's mostly done by spotty graduates in white coats poking things with thermometers rather than actual maths.

One of my old colleagues did her doctorate on finite element analysis of dissipation through heterogeneous fluids. Or "how baked beans get hot". Best/Shittest PhD title ever.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Baked beans should not be microwaved, unless there is no hob available.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Words of wisdom.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:56, Reply)

What's your opinion on cheesy beans though?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I'm not sure I have one.
I do have a couple of sandwich toaster things at the bottom of a draw somewhere. They get dusted off every couple of years for five minutes of beans and cheese stoodent reminiscence. Then I remember that I can afford real food.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Haha, food to reminisce?
For me, that's chicken super noodles over chicken breasts.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:18, Reply)

that's optimistic...
takes at least 35minutes in the ovens here.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:38, Reply)

35 minutes for a pizza?
Are you cooking it on the top of a lukewarm radiator?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:40, Reply)

Using the power of the sun

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:42, Reply)

nah we just freeze things really well.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:42, Reply)

Where do you work?
I just want to make absolutely sure that I never come anywhere fucking near you.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:44, Reply)

You couldn't get much further away
she's in Oz
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:53, Reply)

[real life sigh of relief]

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:54, Reply)

no mate -- it's not a place where I work - it's the ones that get SOLD here.
Woolworths or Coles pizzas.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Do commercial freezers in Oz run colder than the rest of the world?
No. Your oven is shit or you're a fucking idiot. Or both.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)

it's a student residence on campus.
Of course the oven is shit you wingnut.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Are we talking around in circles?
I asked if your oven was shit and you said "nah we just freeze things really well"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:43, Reply)

it's both.
Also - Nah doesn't always mean No here. No means no. Nah means all kinds of things. depends on the tone. Come visit and you'll see.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:47, Reply)

You're a fucking idiot.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)

They just look at the pizza in a disapproving manner until cooked.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Using the heat from Germaine Greer's untouched gash.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Undouched, you mean.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:06, Reply)

You need to consider the specific heat capacity of the various ingredients
Also, doing anything thursday I might go see donkey gums try to be funny in stand up.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Can you cup his balls and go rrrrr!whuff!whuff!whuff! from me?
Thanks.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:41, Reply)

I think fouricci will be there as well, I'll ask him for his postcode.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I missed the whole catg thing, is he some drug crazed paedo or something?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:44, Reply)

The daily mail did a story about him which was typical bollocks
that he was a coke head while being a head teacher. He sued and got an apology I think but when people who didn't like him found out they kept mentioning it until he flounced.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Cool, Holy National Newspaper disgrace, a link to a page 23 apology will never be a suitable defense to an internet hounding

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

I reckon when a paper gets it wrong, they should dedicate the exact same space as they had of the story, to an appology.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:56, Reply)

That's something that has been proposed.
But it's never got anywhere, there was a bloke on the news who said "yeah but if you did that the papers would just be full of apologies"... you could always not get things wrong...
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Where? I might come to that.
I haven't thrown a shit-filled sock at someone for AGES.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:44, Reply)

It's near temple, it's on a boat motherfucker.
comedylock.eventbrite.com/
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:45, Reply)

I might come.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

"Our Father..."

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

As will, I it's a bit annoying I can't get friday off but I havent' seen him for a while
and it'll be interesting to see if he's as funny as he thinks he is yet.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:52, Reply)

He's certainly not lacking in self-confidence.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:54, Reply)

I'm being polite here. He's slightly unhinged.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Slightly?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:04, Reply)

I'm still being polite here.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:06, Reply)

No pizza should take 19 minutes

( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:41, Reply)

I am far too impatient to wait nineteen minutes for any sort of food.
I refuse to make anything that takes longer than five minutes to sort out. I put most frozen things in the microwave to save time.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Kill yourself.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:46, Reply)

If he microwaves frozen chicken, that's fairly likely to kill him anyway.
Unless he does it properly.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Not quick enough.
He's clearly in a desperate rush to reach the grave with as little joy as possible on the way. A hot bath and a razor is probably the optimum solution.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:53, Reply)

I microwave it so it's unfrozen.
Then whack it in a frying pan. Timesaver.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Suicide.
It's the only sensible option for somebody in such a hurry to embrace mortality.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:05, Reply)

I'm too busy chugging glasses and slapping arses to prepare food properly.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)

But surely you can take fifteen minutes to top yourself.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I reckon I could do it in two.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:13, Reply)

I reckon I could do it in five.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:13, Reply)

There's only one way to find out.
dear investigating officer, this is an internet conversation and not an actual recruitment to suicide, yours etc
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Listeria is not your friend!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

No, it's a type of flower. LOL!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Tee-hee.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Listen to Shambers, Bal. He's a doctor.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)

What the hell are you doing microwaving a pizza? Have you been "toking" the "crack cocaine" "pipe" ?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)

You're like an ex-smoker.
Five years ago you lived off vacuum packed convenience food and now you're Hebrew Fucking Wotsisface.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Jackie Mason?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Last night I made my own hand-rolled pasta with peas, bacon, pamazaam and mint in a butter emulsion... followed by an elderflower jelly with maskipony.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Pamazaam? Maskipony?
You are a spelling GOD, gonz.

Is pamazaam like cheesy Valium?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:04, Reply)

You rub a bottle, say the word, and a naked guiney with a cheesy knob appears.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Hahahaa

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)

it's funnier if you read it as "guinea"
/darkielols
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:36, Reply)

I did.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I expected no less

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:50, Reply)

That really is how marscapone should be spelt.
Can I just point out, right, I love the fact that you're properly getting into your food and cooking, but making your own pasta is an epic waste of a life. Unless you're making and filling your own ravioli.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:15, Reply)

My mini-tiny ravioli rolling pin is one of my favourite kitchen gadgets.
I pretend I'm a giant.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:17, Reply)

I pulled off an epic piece of kitchen win a couple of months ago
we made our own wedding cake and rolling icing for a 30cm bottom tier is pretty challenging. Cake-makers 50cm marble rolling pin? £35. Narrow steel table leg from B&Q and angle-grind the end off? £7.

All round win. And that's even before I worked out how to slice the teir horizonally with picture wire.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:25, Reply)

My thoughts to that was "teir? teir? Their? There? Is Badger saying 'their' like people sometimes say 'teh' to be all cutesy with their spellings? .... OHHHHHH, teir, like a layer of cake, yeah', that is a real word".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)

I did spell it wrong, to be fair. tier.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Have you seen L-Space's Heath-Robinson sous vide set-up?
That's some diy kitchen win.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:39, Reply)

I'm refitting one of my labs here and I'm totally fucking stealing the water bath
it's big enough for about a quarter of a pig and the digital thermostat is accurate to about .2 of a degree according to my Squirrel.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:46, Reply)

It's next on my list after I've built the pizza oven.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:49, Reply)

I've gone back to a rock and roll city life
so have no garden for making an oven. Boo. I get OK results with my electric oven at 270ish and a stone, though. Although I have to blind bake the dough rolled-out for a couple of mins before topping it. But a proper oven would be so much better.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)

I'm gradually extending the kitchen down the garden.
I'm not going to be happy until it meets the vegetable plot expanding in the opposite direction.

I've got plans to dig a wine cellar. That may require some careful domestic negotiation.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Blame your girls.
The eldest must be well into digging by now, right? "Ah, sorry about that .. .yeah, I mean, she was just digging a hole and I turned my back for a second, she'd put the joists in and everything. brickwork's lovely, though, right?"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:08, Reply)

This might work.
My original plan was to claim I was digging some serious foundations for a climbing frame. You can never be too careful. Think of the kiddies!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Nah', it's much nicer to make your own, I agree it's a bit of hard work without a pasta machine, but with a machine by the time the water's boil the pasta can be done.
But the textures and flavours are much nicer, plus you get the startchy water which helps sauces, you don't really get that with supermarket or dry pasta.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:26, Reply)

if the textures and flavours are nicer you're buying rubbish pasta, mate.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)

In which case, they don't sale good pasta. They sale it'll-do pasta.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:34, Reply)

I don't own a microwave
or a dishwasher, or a toaster how cool am I.
( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Not very cool at all. Soz.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Do you have domestic staff?
If you don't have domestic staff and you don't own a dishwasher then you're a fucking idiot.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)

My dishwasher is Polish.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:00, Reply)

I got a 'polish' off my 'dishwasher' only last night.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Your right hand can do more than one thing?

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Ha! I'm LEFT HANDED!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:07, Reply)

genuine LOL.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:09, Reply)

What should you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap the bitch.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:07, Reply)

it os
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Bloke goes to the Dr and says he thinks his wife is dead.
Dr says " You THINK she's dead? Why only think?"
Bloke says " Sex is the same but the washing up's piling up!!"

/coat
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I still can't work out if that joke is about blowjobs.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I still can't work out how this could possibly be a source of confusion to you.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:18, Reply)

I don't have a dishwasher because it doesn't take long to wash up by hand

( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Spoken like a true peasant.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:32, Reply)

They're noisy, slow, expencive and half the stuff doesn't get cleaned properly
they require maintenance and eventual replacement. A wife just requires a slap every now and then
( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Who are, peasants? You are so right.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:36, Reply)

I find wives require far more maintenance than dishwashers.
imho.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Mine is silent, takes zero time, and costs less than doing it by hand.
Are you living in the 1970s?

edit: in which case, can you fetch me a box of original findus crispy pancakes? Ta.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:41, Reply)

paper plates and plastic cutlery is a bit lazy, though

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)