Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
(
rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Ok, fuck that last thread, it's getting too big and far too serious.You can think of your own question though, I'm not spoonfeeding you.
Alt: There is no spoon.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:29, 165 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Alright Fuckleberry Finn?I was just about to start a new thread too, to get away from ChompFairy conversation, but I couldn't think of a question.
Turns out you couldn't either.
If there's no spoon, then what the fuck did I just eat my yoghurt with?
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:32,
Reply)
*psst*It wasn't yoghurt either
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:34,
Reply)
Damn that snake oil salesman and his 'Savory Yoghurt' spiel!(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:37,
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Mango; best of all the chutneysCONTROVERSIAL
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:40,
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AgreedI like the chilli mango chutney from Veeraswamy (or something)
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:41,
Reply)
Mango chutney with macaroni cheese and bacon is amazing(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:47,
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Chilli mango chutney and cheddar on crackers = nom(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:53,
Reply)
The kind that scarpe has so he doesn't piss his pants at the end (or sooner) of the night(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:37,
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Is 'Kaliber'what you are trying but failing to say?
Well, now your edit makes me look stupid, doesn't it? I don't need any help on that front, thank you very much.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:36,
Reply)
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1351555
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:37,
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Ah, thanks. I can only read downwards so I wouldn't have seen that three posts up.(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:38,
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You can use the tub to empty it into your mouth if you try(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:39,
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Would yoiu rather have a tail or fur?Alt: but there are ten thousand knives
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:37,
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Someone has put up a massive A3 sign in my office just saying:PLEASE BE CAREFUL
It's not next to anything, I don't know if it's a) fucking stupid or b) trying to scare us.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:39, Reply)
It just means THEY KNOW.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:40,
Reply)
The closest thing to it is a door.doesn't look broken but... I think I'll go out the other way from now.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:42, Reply)
Someone put one in our loo saying 'Please Ensure You Flush After Use'and someone wrote under it 'My wife usually flushes for me'. Which I find an incredibly odd thing to have said.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:41,
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We have a shit terrorist where we work.Always leaves the hugest dumps I've ever seen. Seriously, I'm surprised they haven't asked for the right to vote.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:45, Reply)
This is one of my many, many pet hates.I've frequently gone into the bogs here and stumbled out again backwards yelling "What the fuck is wrong with people?"
One blocked up in bog roll, the other with piss drenching the entire cubicle and the third looking as though somebody's arse has fucking exploded whilst they were desperately yanking their trousers down.
Why do people think this sort of behaviour is OK? The regularity with which this happens is disturbing.
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Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:47,
Reply)
something something something space docking(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:48,
Reply)
It is shocking, I agree.I look around the office and there are the usual wankers and no mates and weirdos that you get, but I don't see anyone who I think 'I bet they don't even know how to use a fucking toilet' and yet someone leaves shit on the seat, so...
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:49,
Reply)
There was one I saw the other dayIt was the same size and shape as a tennis ball.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:01, Reply)
hahahahA kid at school was about 3 feet tall but did shits the length and girth of large cans of beer
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:06,
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"I wouldn't say it were big, but if it'd've had brains, it'd've been able to rule the world..."(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:07, Reply)
Is the sign referring to youand only you don't know it, but everyone else does and is talking about you and making plans to only drink liquids from previously sealed containers?
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:41,
Reply)
They have put signs in each of our toiletsexplaining how to flush and clean the toilet after using it. And then, to finish it off, reminding you to wash your hands.
Worst of all is that, seeing the state of the toilets some times, the sign was probably needed.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:44, Reply)
I heard some Americans calling cheese ON toastcheese toast yesterday, this annoyed me greatly
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:49,
Reply)
Even worsesome people in these parts refer to it as roasted cheese. WTF?
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:56, Reply)
My sister was upset last nightafter I asked her why, she eventually confessed that she'd got sorted into Slytherin on Pottermore. Is there something more trivial to be upset over?
Alt: Yes there is, or what would celebrities talk about
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:51,
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No offence like, but unless your sister is ten then she is a bit of a twat(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:52,
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I assumed she was, but now you've said that I'm kinda hoping to find out she's 23.(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:53,
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She's 17and otherwise normal and healthy with an active social life
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:55,
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hey, it's serious business.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:55,
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You can tell her that I got into Gryffindor, so she can suck it.I for one would definitely be ok with being sorted into Slytherin. It's where all the criminal masterminds hang out.
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Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:53,
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I'd only cry if I were sorted into Hufflepuff.They're all losers.
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Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:56,
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Reading this sub thread should make you cry(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:57,
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No really, I've slept with at least one woman.She was awake and not even screaming or crying.
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Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:00,
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You don't want to fist bump me after I've been with your Mum, trust me.(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:03,
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This is truethat should be a consolation to her
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:58,
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Ravenclaw are boffs, so you'd probably get beaten up a bitby the Slytherins and the cool kids in Gryffindor, but it's definitely better than being in Hufflepuff house with all the fat kids who're shit at sport and the ones that like Home Ec.
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Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:01,
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I used to think you were cool(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:02,
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It's another wizarding schoolBUT FOR GIRLS
zing to end all zings, right there.
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Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:15,
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It's rare I say this.But you really need to get out more. And stop reading kid's books.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:16, Reply)
planet's dumbest animal?my brother and his missus bought a budgie a couple of years ago. it generally lives with my dad, since he works from home, so it gets more company there. dad texted him this morning to say: "what sort of budgie did you buy? one that is scared of bananas!"
turns out the bird was flapping joyously towards him when he clocked the big scary yellow budgie-eating fruit in dad's hand, panicked mid air, squawked, forgot to fly and just splatted onto the floor where he sat there blinking and waiting to be rescued. stupid budgie. birds are supposed to eat fruit, not run away from it. lucky for him that his great great great great great grandparents were bred in captivity. he wouldn't have lasted a day in the wild! we had one when i was a kid, it was 10 times brighter and not scared of anything... this one is a runt.
alt: doubtless he would be frightened of a spoon too.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:54,
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Don't they eat nuts and seeds rather than fruit?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:55,
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And cuttlefish, no?Cos there are obviously loads of cuttlefish in the jungle.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:56,
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they sharpen their beaks on itdon't think they actually eat it. might be wrong though.
ours just ignores it anyway.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:59,
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mostly they eat seedsbut you should also give them fresh fruit v regularly, as they would eat that too in the wild, and a diet of seed alone is too calorific.
we try. we try, try, try. but that feckin budgie is scared of everything. tiny slices of apple, grape, banana, toast, spinach... everything they are supposed to love, he just shits himself and then ignores it. but the big scary humans who could crush his one ounce frame with a thumb? he loves them.
THICK.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:58,
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You should pull his head off, sellotape it back on and sell him to a blind child(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 14:59,
Reply)
Thank you.I think I'd wiped that horrowshow from my memory.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:02,
Reply)
Dumb and Dumber is amazing, try it with MOAR MDs(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:04,
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I do not care, for it is fucking funny!(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:02,
Reply)
Our secretary is retirying in OctoberShe sent an invitation for dinner to all of us, to a wine restaurant. I replied with what I thought was a joke, saying "I'll be there, looks really nice (although I won't have the wine). She replied back with a "Well, there'll be soft drinks too"; and she seems to have taken it seriously.
I know I'm bad at joking and sarcasm, but that bad? Really? I'm a bit sad now. I'll show you: :_S
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:02, Reply)
Oh, ChompyYou should be here to tell me those funny things at the right time. Now it's too late. I said, again, in a joke tone, "I see, you always thinking of everything" And she replied "Yes, I thought of Alan and Chris too" (who are celiacs)
She spoiled all the fun.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:09, Reply)
CoeliacAuto-immune disease causing gut problems, most commonly called gluten intolerance.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:15, Reply)
Sometimes people don't get irony, wit or humour.A bit like the person sat opposite me. Of all the jokes I know, she likes the "man with half an orange for a head" joke the funniest.
Weird.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:08, Reply)
Oh for fuck's sakes.I'm not writing it all out again.
Here: defectiveyeti.com/half_head_orange.html
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:11, Reply)
I fucking love that joke.I actually told it to someone via email the other day.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:11,
Reply)
I assume it's a variation on this one?I was waiting for a bus, when a guy pulled up in a Ferrari, he got out and out of the other door stepped Kate Moss. They walked off arm in arm, but the weirdest thing was that he had an orange where his head should be. The next day, waiting for the same bus a Porsche pulled up, Cindy Crawford stepped out of the passenger door and walked off down the road arm in arm with the man with an orange where his head should be. The third day, the same thing, a Lamborghini pulled up, Linda Evangalista got out of the passenger side and walked off down the street with the man with an orange where his head should be. Thursday, it was a Mercedes and Elle Macpherson and the man with an orange where his head should be. By Friday I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed to ask, so I said to him ‘What gives? I see you everyday in a different expensive car, walking off arm in arm with a different supermodel, what’s the story?’
‘Well, I was cleaning out my Nan’s house after she died and I found this old lamp, I rubbed it and out popped a genie who said he’d give me three wishes. So for my first wish I asked for a new top of the range sports car for every day of the week, and for my second I asked for a different supermodel to sleep with every night’.
‘Oh, OK’, I said ‘And what about your third wish’.
At which point he turned to me angrily and said ‘Isn’t it obvious? I wished for an orange where my head should be’.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:12,
Reply)
Yeah, I just realised we posted at the same time.Your version is even longer.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:14,
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It's my joint favourite joke, with this one, but this one needs a willing stooge.Ask me if I'm an orange.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:15,
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Are you fucking retarded?I fucking told you twice already, I'm a fucking orange.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:18,
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I know.The worst thing is, I genuinely find that funny and always have.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:19,
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It's poorer than a Bangladeshi flood victim.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:20,
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Not worth it's own thread reallyBut, seen as today would have been Roald Dahl's 95th Birthday, what is your favourite book of his?
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:16,
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'How a retarded misspelling of my name made me famous' by Roland Dahl.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:18,
Reply)
Matilda.The whole psycho-kinesis thing is pretty damned cool, all told.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:18, Reply)
I think he must be SERIOUSLY into film.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:21,
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Oh man, that zing was nearly as good as my Harry Potter one.(
Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:25,
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"my uncle oswald"dark, funny, and about sex. who knew roald had it in him?
well, anyone who read "tales of the unexpected", i guess. but. still.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:20,
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Was Tales Of The Unexpected the one with 'Lamb To The Slaughter' in it?(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:23,
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Not sure if you actually remember "Tales". It was awful. Like "Sapphire and Steel", only shit.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:23, Reply)
I loved it.It may be shit if I watched it again now, but I thought it was great at the time. Joan Collins getting her head chopped off by her husband because she had it stuck in his expensive sculpture, George Peppard blowing himself up because he didn't clean his rifle and...
...actually, those are the only two I remember. Maybe it wasn't so great.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:26,
Reply)
Did he have a six foot willy and he showed it to the girl next door,by any chance?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:25,
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Yeah, he left a lot of small bequests to a lot of peopleso it was pretty lengthy
Edit: Whatever, ninj
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Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:25,
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She thought it was a snake so she hit it with a rake. And now it's only 44m.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:29, Reply)
Cos he's a DORTY FECKIN CONTwho likes that kind of thing.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:31,
Reply)
"The things I'd do to Sophie Dahl if she wasn't my grand daughter"(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:28,
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Punch her in the cunt for marrying a midget?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:30,
Reply)
...and breaking Michael Parkinson's heart into the bargain.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:34,
Reply)
the things you'd do to European shipped veal, if they weren't your granddaughter. (, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:31, Reply)
One of my co-workers just said"Fantastic Mr Fox is the only book I've ever properly read."
The only book. Ever. He was twelve when he finished that and hasn't read another book from start to finish since.
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Kroney, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:34,
Reply)
FuckSomeone has been working with my Excel spreadsheet to "make it better" and has fucked it up. I'm going to have to re-do all the work I did on Thursday.
Grrr
(, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 15:37, Reply)
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