I've been sick twice in the early hours of this morning
The question is do I phone in sick? (I don't start until 3pm)

If I don't go in then I lose a days pay, however there is the issue that I've vommed twice already.

Alt: morning, I'm going to sleep and will decided this dilemma later. Invent your own alt: topic, I'm ill ffs!
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 6:43, 142 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Did your vomit consist of mainly cheap lager?
If so I wouldn't worry about it. If it consisted of small pieces of meat, and you are a vegetarian, I'd see a quack right away.

Go into work anyway you lazy fuck.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 7:01, Reply)

Go to work
Spend an hour or so vommeting as soon as you get there. Doesn't matter if it's real or not. Get sent home, which will instantly make you feel better. So, buy some chocolate and crisps on the way home and watch Mary Poppins which cures all minor ailments.

Alt: Awwwwww
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:11, Reply)

Depends if you're throwing up because you've been pissed or not
Also, whether you work with either food or kids, then don't go in.

Alt: Fucking overslept this morning, meaning I didn't get any breakfast, argh!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:11, Reply)

Sage advice for missing breakfast
Not all of the cream cakes in your local bakers are defrosted at 10 in the morning. The flapjacks oh the other hand are fine.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:19, Reply)

I don't tend to have sweet things for breakfast, most of the time it's either marmite on toast or a bacon butty.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:23, Reply)

Or me
I don't want to catch his fucking lurgy.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:50, Reply)

Dear Wet Ham Man,
Perhaps you have overindulged on your favoured brine-heavy porcine by-products and this has induced nausea. My advice to you in this instance is to eat two tablespoons of brown sauce.

If, however, your ailments relate to your sig, then you are a workshy bag of shit and should both man, and shut, up immediately.

Alt: OK, will do. My topic is 'is Hambo an alkie?' Yes, I think he is.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:38, Reply)

you up the duff?

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:44, Reply)

I say he's got swine flu.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:47, Reply)

could be the bad aids.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:53, Reply)

Is it mine?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:47, Reply)

shit just got real.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:53, Reply)

Unlikely, with *those* raisins.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:55, Reply)

Raisins?
Fucking grapefruits, mate.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:09, Reply)

grapefruits currants
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:16, Reply)

I had 18 days sick last year.
Do I win 5 pounds?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:52, Reply)

That's a lot for someone not in the public sector.
Yes you do win £5.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:55, Reply)

I'm guessing that he won considerably more than that
Possibly earning more for his sick days than someone in the public sector earns in a month.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

But he is such a nice chap, I don't begrudge him the money.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:03, Reply)

:-)

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:08, Reply)

I fucking do.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:19, Reply)

You win a bonus not dissimilar to my annual wage.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:55, Reply)

If it was alcohol related I wouldn't be complaining about it
I must be man flu! :(
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:54, Reply)

Have you thrown up again since the original post?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

you could be pregnant.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

ham baby.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:02, Reply)

You should allow at least 24 hours from the last time you were sick before going in to work
Also, stay off b3ta in case you infect the rest of us with your bad AIDS.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 8:59, Reply)

Also, delete your account and kill yourself.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:08, Reply)

The only sensible way to prevent it from spreading

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:14, Reply)

take two teaspoons of cement, wethamman, and harden the fuck up.
my topic - I have to go to Leeds tomorrow. WHY, /OT? WHY?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:00, Reply)

To see how the other half live?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:02, Reply)

I am the other half.

I actually love Leeds, my family come from there, I just can't be arsed to go.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:03, Reply)

I love Leeds too.
When we drive past it, it's a sign that we are finally as safe distance from the other half's parents.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:14, Reply)

ERRRR!!!
MIGHTERS IS A NORTHERN!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:15, Reply)

I knew there was something wrong with him

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:17, Reply)

There is, he lives in London with you cunts

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:17, Reply)

he lives in Edinburgh with those cunts actually

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:18, Reply)

I'm going to spend 24 hours in Newcastle in a couple of weeks. One afternoon/Evening then a morning.
What should I do to make the most of the time?

(I know technically you don't live in Newcastle, but it's pretty much all the same place to me from down here...)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:20, Reply)

Go shoplifting with Baz

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:21, Reply)

Oh man you should totally go on "the boat" it's really good

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:22, Reply)

I think the boat has gone
Sorry to break the news
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:22, Reply)

NO. WAY.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:23, Reply)

(HA)WAY

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

Ahhh mint man pet man luv man

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:36, Reply)

When the boat comes in

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:23, Reply)

Have a wander round the town, check out the castle
Tyne cruise, go to Tynemouth and see the Priory. Have lunch at the Grand Hotel on the seafront.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

Thank you.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

The Grand is a tremendous hotel
Proper Victorian sea-front job. I got married there. Food is top notch
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

Well, I have to check out the wedding venue of the famous Sportscows now, don't I?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:45, Reply)

Go there
Do your durty biznass and leave.

That is all.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

I recommend spending those 24hrs traveling South

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

Why would he want to go to Antarctica?
You numb cunt
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

PENGUINS!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:35, Reply)

CLUBS!

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:45, Reply)

GOLD BARS

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:49, Reply)

Day off, youre contagious.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:01, Reply)

Are you wet because you've been in the shower?
Or are you frothing at the clopper?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:14, Reply)

Would that be the watersports show?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:14, Reply)

Wipeout with Richard Hammond, in my version the contestants have to make there way through an assult course constructed in TGB fanny
while she is watching "Twilight"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:21, Reply)

I feel sick.
What a disgusting mental image you have created, mentioning Richard Hammond.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Puking = phone in
No-one wants to sit next to your vom-laden carcass, stinking and heaving

Alt:
MORNING! I feel fucking great today! 3 night's sleep in a row for the first time in about 10 years! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:16, Reply)

Cunt.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:17, Reply)

Lying cunt, you mean.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:18, Reply)

You just slept for 3 x 8hrs in one go?
Chinny fucking reck-on, you were posting on here yesterday. You're as bad as fucking Quinters.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:18, Reply)

Pedant

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:23, Reply)

Also, fucking harsh man!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

That's a bit cruel Monty, come on.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:37, Reply)

I WILL NOT APOLOGISE.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:51, Reply)

...for my countries coduct during ZE VAR!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:53, Reply)

This consecutive run of deep sleeps are a sign that your body is slowly shutting down
You are dying. The great feeling is your brain releasing endorphins.
Sorry to be the bearer...
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:19, Reply)

His only hope is to delete his account and , err...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:20, Reply)

hahahah\
*drinks coffee*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:20, Reply)

Meh

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:23, Reply)

I may just be Myalgic Encephalopathy
it's all me, me, me with that lot
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:25, Reply)

Bunch of lazy hypochondriacs

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:27, Reply)

Don't get me started on the M,S. lot

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

I know - selling shit overpriced food to thick middle-class aspirants.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:33, Reply)

I got some new boots from there yesterday
25% off!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

kitten heel or flats?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:35, Reply)

For you, anything sweetcheeks

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:53, Reply)

This isn't any disease
Abject tiredness, served on a bed of ...erm... bed.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

So many sick people ! about 1/4 of my office are sick.
I cut myself in my little finger yesterday, it was really deep, I had a knife under the washing up water and I let go of a heavy dish and it crushed my finger against the knife. It was quite cool seeing the blood drip all over the bubbles. It's OK, though, don't you lot worry about me, I used a plaster and it stopped bleeding after a while.

What I don't get, right, Jeremy Kyle, if I was going on national TV, I'd have a bit of pride and wear a shirt or something, have a shave, have a hair cut, that sort of thing. So many poeple go on that show with no make up in what looks like the shirt they slept in, which came out of a "3 for £10" packet. And when they come out shouting ! How the hell can they expect that to look good? Oh god, so many of them are so absolutly pathetic.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

Get a dishwasher

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

and stop watching jeremy Kyle

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:36, Reply)

+ stop smoking

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:37, Reply)

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down? Give the bitch a slap.
HO HO HO HO, domestic abuse.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:38, Reply)

I've had a vicious cough for the last week or so.
Proper hacking up my lungs. I'm happy to report that I now seem to be on the mend. This does mean I'm going to lose the sexy octave lower voice I've had, though :(
( Kroney, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:37, Reply)

Must have been great being an alto for a week

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:38, Reply)

It was, I felt all manly :(

( Kroney, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:39, Reply)

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:41, Reply)

i like this

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:54, Reply)

you'll be fine by 3
i have a new roommate at work and she wants the aircon on freezing (to be fair, since this hardcore detox i am cold ALL THE TIME so i had the heating on max and she has turned it to halfway but i swear i can see my breath in here).

how can i win this thermostat stealth war?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Put a jumper on.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:51, Reply)

i am already wearing one :(

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:54, Reply)

Take it off and point to erect freezing nips

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:54, Reply)

Punch her in the minge then.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)

Tit fight
Its the only way
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:54, Reply)

we have no jelly
sorry to disappoint
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:55, Reply)

Blowjob Competition ! I promse I at the end I won't just declare myself the winner and take the troffie for myself.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:58, Reply)

I'm sure you're excellent at giving blowjobs Gonz - but I fail to see how this will help.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:59, Reply)

i was going to say, surely the trophy is...
... a metric fuckton of spunk?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:00, Reply)

20 years' worth of backed-up jizz.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:01, Reply)

mmm
chewy
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:06, Reply)

oh god I feel sick

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:11, Reply)

Like a wax dart

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:39, Reply)

I've heard that blokes are way better at sucking cock 'cus they know exactly the right bit.
Like to press down on that little bit of willy thats inside you behind your balls.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:01, Reply)

You heard that from my dad.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)

pffft
girls do that too! and you don't get to play with tits at the same time if you have a guy doing it. well, unless you have your own bitch-tits, i guess.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Hah, and along the same lines of thinking....with blokes you get a textures-sensation of a good bit of facial hair.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:43, Reply)

You're missing the point here. Firstly, if she puts the thermo on cold and puts on a jumper, she has relinquished control and bypassed the win.
Secondly, if swipey can simply just put a jumper on, then surly the reverse is acceptable; that you put the heating on up and the workmate can sit in her bra and knickers.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:57, Reply)

the workmate has a killer figure
i would not enjoy this. it would annoy me too much.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:58, Reply)

Hook a bro' up, yo'.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:01, Reply)

she has a bf
sorry mein lieb
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Sad Times & Never Minds

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:43, Reply)

Har har
your diet has left your body with zero energy to maintain its internal temperature. You are going to get hypothermia and die.
( Kroney, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)

i think there may actually be some truth in the first sentence
not the second though!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Expand your field of operations
child porn on the desktop, that bitch is outta there
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:57, Reply)

interesting
i'm sure someone here has a stack of specialist child porn i could borrow
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Labs RIP my niggah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:01, Reply)

yeah that hardworking labs
damn him and his job
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Finally, a sensible plan.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:00, Reply)

This might be a crazy suggestion, but
How about, instead of engaging in a stealth war and talking to us about it, you talk to her and find a suitable compromise between you?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:05, Reply)

Then punch her in the cunt.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:05, Reply)

where's the fun in that?
but if we're being boring, how do you think the dial ended up in the middle, meaning that she is still too hot and i am still too cold?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:06, Reply)

Then you should put your cold bits against her hot bits
/sweatyhands
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:08, Reply)

stealth is the answer, simply add one degree at a time everytime she is out of the office

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:13, Reply)

Is it a digital or analogue
thermostat?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:40, Reply)

I'm pulling a sickie next week,
we've The Fairy Job mother coming in to shout at all the unemployed dross that I have to call "clients", and she's scary.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:17, Reply)

I thought the boss eyed bitch got fired?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:18, Reply)

Maybe she did,
and that's why she's coming here? She's like Supernanny, without the sex appeal.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:20, Reply)

The Mash yesterday
Referred to her as "TV strop wrangler and guilty wankbank icon" which pretty much covers it.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:30, Reply)

Never even heard of her.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:38, Reply)

I thought the Fairy Job Mother would be referring to Mary Portas, not Jo Frost...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:41, Reply)

sorry, yeah, I was referring to Frost.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:42, Reply)

Fairy job mother is that booss eyed bint that is was the head of A4E
Jo Frost is Supernanny
Mary Portas is Queen of shops
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:43, Reply)

Ahh, fair enough
It seems her name is Hayley Taylor, and fucking hell, she looks like a sour faced bitch. Not quite as bad as Hilary Devey, but still rather unpleasant.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:43, Reply)

She'llhave fun shouting at our doleys,
she'll prolly get a punch in the minge.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:48, Reply)

I don't know who any of these "people" are.

( Kroney, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:45, Reply)

That's because they aren't in star trek

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:45, Reply)

I fucking loved Mash. That hawkeye and peirce never failed to make me laugh.
OMG, piston is _just_ like [hotlips hoolahan's first mister, forgot his name].
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:46, Reply)

Have you got a new perscription?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:46, Reply)

Frank burns !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 11:16, Reply)