Useless shit you've bought
What pointless gadgets etc have you got cluttering up your loft/garage/kitchen etc? Still using that George Foreman Grill/Tassimo coffee maker/steam cleaning mop etc...?

Tell the class about your knobbish shopping errors so we don't make the same mistakes as you, you stupid fucking wanker.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:26, 151 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

I threw away "Jamie Oliver Flavour Shaker" yesterday
but that was a present. Never even opened it
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:27, Reply)

eBay is your friend here

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:28, Reply)

Not even Ebay wants to be friends with Nakers.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:30, Reply)

He's gone rather quiet about that particular 'kitchen essential' these days, hasn't he?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:31, Reply)

Kitchen essentials
Fucking sharp knife
Good pan
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:34, Reply)

Gas hob

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:37, Reply)

trufax

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:37, Reply)

yes.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:41, Reply)

spoon

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:42, Reply)

I had one too
Although I used mine once. It took forever and 90% of the ground up stuff stayed stuck to the inside. Useless.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:41, Reply)

i have a pestal and mortar
it may be a 10,000 year old design, but it works pretty well
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:41, Reply)

It's on my list

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:47, Reply)

I use my George Foreman all the time
Our steam cleaning mop was "fucking shite" though and only lasted a year
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:28, Reply)

A George Foreman is the shizzle for cooking bacon.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:30, Reply)

Also chicken as it takes about 8 mins
Toasted sandwiches are also good on them
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:31, Reply)

And sausages
You won't buy cheap frozen sausages again once you've put them on one and seen how much fat comes out, though.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:33, Reply)

Better out than in

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:33, Reply)

I'm buying a slow cooker
My breadmaker is still in use, despite Vipros saying it wouldn't be. TAKE THAT YOU SMUG BEARDED FUCKWIT!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:32, Reply)

We use our slow cooker to produce pulled pork.
It fucking rules.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:34, Reply)

I would like your girlfriends recipe for coleslaw if she would be so kind.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:38, Reply)

i think she just made it up but I'll ask

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 18:27, Reply)

I had one while I was married
and I was a bit like a grown up. The bread was nice while it was warm, but more like a bathsponge when cold
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:34, Reply)

one sex once,
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:35, Reply)

bread spunk
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:36, Reply)

lol

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:37, Reply)

No need to fucking brag about it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:36, Reply)

those were the days

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:36, Reply)

Dunno if this counts, but
Cabin In The Woods came on our Love Film list.

It's utterly fucking shit in every single possible way.

My movie geek mate was telling me it's apparently got loads of horror film in-jokes in it. So it's fucking "witty". It's not - it's fucking shit and a waste of our rental.

Cunts.

It made me disproportionately angry.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:33, Reply)

Films are always shit.
The last good film made was 'The Warriors' - FACT.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:33, Reply)

I saw Platoon for the first time at the weekend.
It was alright.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:35, Reply)

I've never bothered with it either.
It's no 'The Warriors', I imagine.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:37, Reply)

He is my favourite character

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:39, Reply)

I liked the sequel "The Marios" better.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:40, Reply)

Not really one for buying kitchen gadgets
but I remember my parents had a thing specially for taking the top off boiled eggs. I like to use a knife
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:33, Reply)

Lakeland sell a 'soup maker'.
It's a fucking blender with a heating element in it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:35, Reply)

My new boss bought one
*facepalms*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:36, Reply)

Fucking hell.
Having said that, from bitter experience I know that a fool and his money are soon parted.

I say good luck to anyone who expedites such.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:37, Reply)

Lakeland sell some real expensive stuff
the coffee machines especially.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:40, Reply)

Oh like a cigar cutter. My grandparents had one of them, too.

( Kroney, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:37, Reply)

i really want a boiled egg now

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:39, Reply)

I don't.

( Kroney, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:39, Reply)

My pointless gadgets include
a couple of old Palm Vx PDAs and a Psion handheld. Maybe still worth fuck all in ten years.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:35, Reply)

I love the term 'palm pilot', what a rocking euphemism that was.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:36, Reply)

gerund + noun = euphemism

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:38, Reply)

I was given one of these for Christmas a couple of years ago.
www.lakeland.co.uk/16672/All-In-One-Avocado-Tool

still haven't used it.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:38, Reply)

Do I need a deep fat fryer?
They're less than fifteen quid in Sainers. This is the sneaky real reason I started this thread.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:40, Reply)

We don't have one and I've never felt the need for one, despite being a big fan of kitchen gadgets.
They have a tendency to smell after a bit too.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:41, Reply)

Yes but I would like to do tempura veg, my mother's legendary cheese eggs and waqqui chips.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:43, Reply)

What on earth are cheese eggs?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:45, Reply)

They're scotch eggs but with cheese round the meat instead of breadcrumbs.
They are probably about a million calories but they're fucking NOM.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:46, Reply)

I like the sound of that.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:49, Reply)

They are absolutely fucking delicious.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:55, Reply)

Just get a decent pan and a bottle of sunflower oil
When you're done frying, pour the oil into a jam jar and leave it in the cupboard until you need it again.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:43, Reply)

Ta.
Just saved me £15.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:43, Reply)

Buy a big slotted spoon for getting stuff out easily.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:46, Reply)

I have two already.
This is looking better and better.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:47, Reply)

DOn't forget to always use your face to check how hot the oil is before starting.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:53, Reply)

OK, got it.
Face - oil check.

This is great! Thanks so much!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:54, Reply)

Your welcome.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:56, Reply)

^ this ^

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:44, Reply)

Jesus Wept
only the worst sort of cunt would want one of them
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:40, Reply)

Look if you want it, just ask him.
He doesn't want it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:44, Reply)

I am only a mid range cunt
I would use a melon baller...

But I draw the line at an avocado tool
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:46, Reply)

My cuntiest kitchen gadget is probably a foil cutter for wine.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:47, Reply)

but losing something like that
would mean a delay in getting wine from bottle to gob
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:50, Reply)

I've used it millions of times. Great use of £1.99.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:50, Reply)

I have a knife
and/or sharp teeth
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:51, Reply)

^ threat OTD

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:58, Reply)

Yes, but given you tend to drink White Lightening it doesn't get much use.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:50, Reply)

I contemplated
one of those red wine airers...

But I also have a foil cutter
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:50, Reply)

Stunned has one.
It looks lovely as an ornament actually.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:53, Reply)

Are you sure its not a
butt plug
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:01, Reply)

Yes.
His butt plug looks entirely different.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:07, Reply)

haha
that is superspecific. How many people make enough guacamole to warrant one of those?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:40, Reply)

Top chef Ainsley Harriott says 'guacamole' to rhyme with 'whack-a-mole'.
He also says 'sautee' liek 'sortie'.

I think he might say 'jalapeno' as 'jaller peeno' as well. I love that guy.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:45, Reply)

He speaks like Gonz writes.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:48, Reply)

I dream of his death every single night, and wake up heartbroken each morning.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:51, Reply)

He's like the Richard Blackwood of cheffing.

( Kroney, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:51, Reply)

He wishes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:52, Reply)

The smoothie maker I bought last year.
It takes ages to to make a batch and twice as long to clean.
Much easier to buy some Innocent on the way home.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:43, Reply)

Or just use an ordinary blender.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:44, Reply)

don't smoothie makers let you make smoothies from anything
like carrots and car parts and things?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:45, Reply)

I don't know.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:46, Reply)

Allegedly
in reality, they should be called mush makers.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:49, Reply)

smoothies are just stuff mushed up, though

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:51, Reply)

Yes, and you are supposed to be able to pour them out.
Mine come out like tomato ketchup
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:56, Reply)

I think you're thinking of the "will it blend?" chap off youtube
blends Iphones and stuff.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:48, Reply)

He doesn't sound like a waqqui prick at all.
Which is excellent news.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:51, Reply)

that is a great site

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:52, Reply)

Yeah I love YouTube too!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:53, Reply)

As a blender, it is a stonking good one.
but the bit that makes it a smoothie maker is useless.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:47, Reply)

I have a little "Mini Chopper"
like a blender but smaller and shitter. A plastic beaker and a thing with a spinning blade sits on top. I used it a few times to chop up onion and mushroom but

a) it didn't actually chop most of the contents, just the stuff at the bottom by the blades so you had to constantly shake it, too, and
b) the amount of time spent scraping stuff stuck to the beaker out meant I'd have been better off just using a knife.

I have a slow-cooker, it's pretty damn good.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:46, Reply)

like a blender but smaller and shitter. A plastic beaker and a thing with a spinning blade sits on top. I used it a few times to chop up onion and mushroom but

a) it didn't actually chop most of the contents, just the stuff at the bottom by the blades so you had to constantly shake it, too, and
b) the amount of time spent scraping stuff stuck to the beaker out meant I'd have been better off just using a knife.

I have a slow-cooker, it's pretty damn good

So I've heard.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:48, Reply)

That's its name, it's on the box and everything
I did ponder rephrasing it but I knew it would give someone 5 seconds of puerile enjoyment.

EDIT: someone everyone
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:50, Reply)

i didn't get past the phrase
"I have a mini chopper"
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:48, Reply)

LOL SOME SORT OF SMALL COCK JOKE

( Kroney, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:49, Reply)

AHAHAHAH ANDREW MARR!!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:50, Reply)

they use them on SAturday kitchen all the time
are you calling baby james martin a liar?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:08, Reply)

well that killed it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:18, Reply)

Damn you Nakers.
DAMN YOU TO HELL.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:19, Reply)

Right on cue...
...the Kleeneze catalogue has just dropped through the letterbox into the dog's mouth.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:52, Reply)

I read that as Kleenex catalogue and thought, wow, this guy is a pro masturbator.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:57, Reply)

Henry hoover. It's shit.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:54, Reply)

Anyone got/uses a pizza stone?
Or are they another 'mug's game' item that is entirely unnecessary.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:56, Reply)

Fucksapizzastone?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:57, Reply)

You cook pizzas on them in the oven. Basically a stone disc.
Supposedly makes them cook better.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:00, Reply)

I prefer pizza made with dough and tomatoes and stuff

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:58, Reply)

Oh this is good.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:59, Reply)

Not really.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 16:59, Reply)

it's GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:05, Reply)

Of course its'a mugs game
Your better off cooking pizzas on the shelf not a baking tray so the hot air can get to the base.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:03, Reply)

that's why you have a stone, you heat it up in the oven first and it cooks the pizza from the bottom more effectively than air
because air, as we all know, is a shit conductor of heat.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:07, Reply)

That's cleary more inefficient as you have to heat a fucking stone up using HOT AIR from your oven
before if cooks your pizza. If you have a fan oven, which you will do if you're not a total kitchen spastic, then it's a fucking waste of time.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:23, Reply)

Metal is a better conductor of heat than stone
if that were true, a baking tray would be better still. It isn't.
( Kroney, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:30, Reply)

The claim for them is that they absorb moisture and thus give a crispy base.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:37, Reply)

So does using the grill tray
As any moisture just falls off the pizza.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:40, Reply)

Stone is well known for its absorptive properties.
They're practically sponges.
( Kroney, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:48, Reply)

They are ceramic on the whole
But even if they weren't, surely even in your dismal French upbringing you must have encountered porous rocks like chalk, limestone, sandstone, pumice etc?

No?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:59, Reply)

The Doris has been after a steam cleaning mop for a while.
Just in case you've got one going spare.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:28, Reply)

Well I was too
but I now had two different 'they're shit' reports so maybe not.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:36, Reply)

Bickering over the best way to cook a pizza.....
This place is great!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:34, Reply)

It's everything the internet was invented for.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:36, Reply)

1. go to dominoes online
2.complete order
3. wait
4. eat and get fatter
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:37, Reply)

5. wonder why you got so badly ripped off

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:40, Reply)

6. Enjoy your £20 cheese on toast

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:41, Reply)

7. Realise that actually it's pretty fucking foul despite the Michelin star food price and start to cry.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:44, Reply)

Monty's daily schedule:
boingboing.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/NewImage20.png
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:45, Reply)

CHIVAS REGAL?
Dear God no.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:47, Reply)

And you wonder why he shot himself

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:47, Reply)

MOnty shot himself?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:47, Reply)

I'm sure I'd remember if I did that.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:51, Reply)

depending which bit of your brain you shot out

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:55, Reply)

Because he was so bored with making up complete bullshit claims about his drink and drug habits
and having them printed as the truth by utter mug journalists?

Fair enough, it must have become very tedious.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:51, Reply)

Yeah, I also think he was a fucking weirdo
When his son found his body his response was to go out side and discharge a shotgun.

Weirdo.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:56, Reply)

A weirdo and a shit writer too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 18:00, Reply)

I quite enjoyed his collections of letters, particularly the second one when he actually ran for office.
but his collections of newspaper columns got quite tedious
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 18:02, Reply)

despite knowing this is theory
once every few months this is exactly what I want to eat
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:45, Reply)

I have had Dominoes pizza twice in my life
both times it was the worst pizza I've ever had (they tied for the position).

I tend to try out all the one-shop pizza places on just-eat.co.uk until I find one I like with a good offer and then stick with that one.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:51, Reply)

Savory doughnut

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 17:49, Reply)

I am in the hotel bar with a beer.
Must make sure I am back here on February 16th, Shakin Stevens is performing.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 18:05, Reply)