Well this is a bit shit.
It's a glorious day for a pub lunch and I drove my car to werque. #knobber.

What must your dream pub have in it to make it REEM?

Alt: I can't be arsed.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:46, 129 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

It needs beer and wine at the very least.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:47, Reply)

Good point. Well made.
I was thinking along the lines of juke box, tv etc
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:49, Reply)

fit currymuncher birds
With their tits out.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:50, Reply)

2 litre bottles of £1.29 supermarket bought pepsi behind the bar they pour into a glass with ice and charge you £3.50 for please.
alt: neithercani
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:50, Reply)

and small cans of american 'craft' beer

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:51, Reply)

and it has to be family friendly so people can bring their screaming kids in

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:53, Reply)

and a bog wog

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:53, Reply)

and locals that decide the best place to stand around is right by the bar so there isn't room to order a fucking pint

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:55, Reply)

and someone to offer hints and tricks while you play the fruit machine

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:57, Reply)

and some northern cunt insisting the pool table is 'winner stays on'

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:57, Reply)

hahahahahahahahaha

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:58, Reply)

^^this
and a set of pool rules unique to the pub
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:02, Reply)

second red and fourth yellow need to be doubled, it's always been that way!

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:04, Reply)

poor DBT

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:52, Reply)

A nice garden.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:53, Reply)

Full of smokers.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:56, Reply)

Excellent beer, wine and spirits, good food and atmosphere
The ones with lots of rooms seem to be best at this, as it means people who like TV, pool, darts, or peace and quiet can find it without annoying those who don't.
Also, decent bar service including the ability to pour a decent pint and also advise on the stuff they're selling.
For me also a roaring fire in winter and a sensible policy on dogs (not in the food served areas but OK in the bar), plus comfy chairs and not too complicated a walk to the bogs
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:55, Reply)

"REEM"?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:56, Reply)

Gorgeous, sexy, nice.
Get with the times grandad.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:58, Reply)

Not sure I'd want a sexy pub.
Anyway, good beer that's kept and served well, non-shit wine at a fair price, good selection of spirits, and somewhere to sit - I think that covers the minimum standard.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:59, Reply)

I'm not sure you'd be welcome.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:01, Reply)

big, stripped floors, lots of light
nice comfy squashy sofas, not too busy at the bar, sometimes a juke box if it's quiet enough for you to control it
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 21 May 2015, 14:57, Reply)

a nice selection of draught wine.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:01, Reply)

sofas in pubs are shit, old wooden chairs and tables are better

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:01, Reply)

yer. i don't like roaring pub fires either.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:02, Reply)

i don't mind 'a' fire, a small one with coals on, not some big ostentatious red brick affair with stupid big bent logs on and decorated with genuine reproduction horse brasses

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:05, Reply)

I don't really want to be sweating my plums off when I am having a nice refreshing Fosters top.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:13, Reply)

put some ice in it

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:18, Reply)

I couldn't agree with this more.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:03, Reply)

also what you are describing, especially if you're in charge of the jukebox, isn't a pub, its a gay bar HTH

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:08, Reply)

A former GP behind the ramp

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:03, Reply)

+t

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:06, Reply)

+bh

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:09, Reply)

ramp bins
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:16, Reply)

Pool table and decent range of gin.
NOT JUST FUCKING GORDON'S YOU CAAAAAANTS.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 May 2015, 15:07, Reply)

pool tables attract riff-raff

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:12, Reply)

lol shit at pool

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:13, Reply)

Happy hour - 4pm til 6pm PLUS FREE POOL TABLE

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:33, Reply)

The correct answer is: a cracking barmaid with massive tits and a dirty sense of humour.
You bunch of fucking poofs.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:10, Reply)

Decent beers, pork scratchings,
good-looking barmaids and a pool table. Must also be free from the following things:

- chavs;
- any music/light shows that came out of a My First R'n'B keyboard;
- stupid dress codes. My mate got turned away from The Town House in Ealing for wearing a hat. A hat.
( .Yeti., Thu 21 May 2015, 15:13, Reply)

The hat thing is quite common now. It's a CCTV thingy

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:15, Reply)

Surely that's quite an easy thing to remedy?
Unless he was a trendy prick and was refusing to take it off. In which case fair play.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:17, Reply)

what kind of hat? because if it was some wacky affectation he needs fucking telling

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:17, Reply)

Flat cap would be my first guess.

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:18, Reply)

i'm going with gambler with feather

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:20, Reply)

I think it may actually have been a flat cap, you know.

( .Yeti., Thu 21 May 2015, 15:20, Reply)

I am judging your mate.
And you, by association.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:23, Reply)

Hattist

( .Yeti., Thu 21 May 2015, 15:24, Reply)

One of my mates started wearing a flat cap in his 20's when his hair started thinning out.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:22, Reply)

what a prick
I've still got my hair and a 28" waist.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:23, Reply)

A decent selection of spirits, a good sound system, a quiz machine, a nice Sunday lunch.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:15, Reply)

+ gents' lavvies equipped with glory holes and a machine vending a selection of lubricants

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 May 2015, 15:33, Reply)

i also like pubs that do 'cocktails' which are actually just normal spirits and mixers in a big jug with loads of ice in and enough empty glasses for your whole squad for £6.95

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:15, Reply)

I was going to say this but I would have been called ghey

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:17, Reply)

I was being sarcastic

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:17, Reply)

I didn't read it properly either.
I would like a place with a decent cocktail menu.
Im talking blueberry mojitos, espresso martini's, the lot.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:24, Reply)

so not a pub then

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:25, Reply)

I don't think elaborate cocktails really belong in a pub.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:28, Reply)

cocktails are one of my markers when deciding if a 'pub' is *actually* a 'bar'

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:29, Reply)

a 'bar' shit
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:31, Reply)

What's the verdict on this place?
thealchemist.uk.com/menu/drinks-menu
(Twangy Rubber, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:31, Reply)

Hi Alchemist!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:36, Reply)

It used to be rubbish but now its turning to gold

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:37, Reply)

^ very good

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:41, Reply)

no beer not a pub

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:37, Reply)

"molecular drink-making techniques"
I hope they all get cancer.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:38, Reply)

Is the correct answer.

(Twangy Rubber, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:40, Reply)

Molecular drink-making techniques - FFS!
Just order a glass of pretentiousness with a twist of post-modern irony.

Cunts
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:05, Reply)

been there
the mad hatter's tea party does look quite cool
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:01, Reply)

Great bar!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:35, Reply)

You must be a Hungry Horse man?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:41, Reply)

the first time i heard of those places was last night

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:44, Reply)

top drawer, m8.
Quality food n all.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:46, Reply)

n

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:47, Reply)

My dream pub should have busty flirtatious barmaids

Very quiet music, since I'm not in my 20's any more I'm actually interested in listening to what my friends are saying.

Not a jukebox, though, once you let the proles choose they'll want it turned up when their hippety hop track comes on.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:25, Reply)

Also a covered area for smokers
Don't make me stand in the fucking rain.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:26, Reply)

this

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:31, Reply)

How about an outside area for the non-smokers as well?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:39, Reply)

that's the whole point
if you dirty bastards get subjugated enough, you might quit the dirty weed
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:43, Reply)

Don't you think it looks more fun out there with the dirty smokers, rather than stuck inside with the bores?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:44, Reply)

Smoking areas are where the party are!

( Muns, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:59, Reply)

yeah
who doesn't want their hair and clothes to stink like cancerous death?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:00, Reply)

The bores?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:03, Reply)

sorry, what was that?
I didn't catch it for the sound of your hacking cough, stinking breath, yellowed teeth and deep craggy wrinkles...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:10, Reply)

Nah, that's cigarette smokers you're thinking of

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:11, Reply)

At least we have smoking as an excuse for those things.

( Muns, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:30, Reply)

A miserible landlord
who spends most of his day lamenting that he gave up a stable and lucrative career to spend his days losing money and mopping up sick
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:25, Reply)

A decent pint and a girl with nice breasts to pour it.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:29, Reply)

I am just trying to work out how she pours the pint with her breasts

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:36, Reply)

Slips the pump between her knockers and walks backwards OBVIOUSLY.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 May 2015, 15:38, Reply)

Pull down on her arm, and the beer is drawn through her nipples?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:39, Reply)

That's her problem

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:39, Reply)

Oh, and people who don't say REEM.
One of the essentials for a nice pub that is.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:32, Reply)

Unless they are talking about the amount of paper they have used

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:35, Reply)

In a pub, paper should come in "rolls".

(Twangy Rubber, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:42, Reply)

Beer and silence
And lots of it
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:42, Reply)

Two words: Pie Oven.
Stocking Scampi Fries is a bonus as well.

But not Cheese Moments; they're vile.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:47, Reply)

A top pub would do only two main courses
A 600g ribeye steak, mushroom, tomato, peas and onion rings.

Scampi and chips, peas or beans.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:55, Reply)

Fuck off, where's the pies?

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:59, Reply)

pies would attract Northerners.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:01, Reply)

Your point?
At least the Northerners wouldn't be nursing a shandy for two hours
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:03, Reply)

Northern pubs are much better, yes.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:06, Reply)

Don't talk balls.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:08, Reply)

Dunno.
Alt: I bet you could after a few pints. If you met the right bloke ofc.
( Muns, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:48, Reply)

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:51, Reply)

Well, that's given the game away...

(Twangy Rubber, Thu 21 May 2015, 17:11, Reply)

awwww man

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 21 May 2015, 17:14, Reply)

A lounge where there's no swearing but they allow kids
A bar where there's swearing, no kids but they allow dogs.
Well-served beer
Friendly efficient bar staff
Clean toilets
Decent non-pretentious food

Alt: I looked up the 'word' reem. I wish I hadn't.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:56, Reply)

reem as fuck

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 15:57, Reply)

Our local has a pitiful selection of massively over-priced crips and nuts
So for our weekly pub quiz all the teams bring their own snacks and Margo the barmaid doesn't bat an eyelid.

And also whilst on the subject of Margo - she remembers our round far better than any of us. I was rendered speechless this week when I realised that she was on holiday (again) and her substitute apparently hadn't been briefed on what the team with the devilishly handsome chap usually order. For fucks sake.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 May 2015, 15:58, Reply)

all the teams bring their own snacks.... oh Scotland.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:00, Reply)

they probably all rock up with battered sausage and chips - open.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:02, Reply)

One of the guys one of the other teams works shifts so on occasion has been known to come in with a chippy or a Chinese.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 May 2015, 16:07, Reply)

30g packet of Golden Fucking Wonder - 90 pence from the bar
Or a big bag of Walkers Sensations, in a variety of flavours - £1 from Tesco.

Only someone who spends a tenner on a salad wouldn't see the logic of this.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 May 2015, 16:10, Reply)

My old local didn't do food so it was ok to eat takeaways in there.
They'd even give you a plate.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:01, Reply)

that's filth.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:02, Reply)

it was good 'cos you could go straight from work on a friday get half-cut eat and then go to 'toon'.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:06, Reply)

It's just wrong.
Did people get pizzas delivered to the pub?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:09, Reply)

Only on Sundays usually.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:12, Reply)

The Blue Anchor used to sell a bucket of sausages
An actual galvanized bucket full of sausages. Disgusting.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:33, Reply)

staff should be pig ignorant and have a complete disrespect of hygiene

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 21 May 2015, 16:45, Reply)