Your thing
Let us imagine for a moment that, perhaps through years of meditation, some mysterious supernatural object, or more likely extensive human sacrifice, you have achieved Apotheosis - you have Ascended to godhood in some promiscuous polytheistic pantheon*.

What would you be god of? What would the trembling masses pray to you for, or pray for you to deliver them from?

*I mostly just wanted to use that phrase in a post.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:10, 73 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

beards and beard-wearing gentlemen
and lightning

people would have to pray to me to promote healthy beard growth. or to stop it.

sometimes I'd make people have uncontrollable beard growth and if they shaved it off I'd hit them with lightning
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:14, Reply)

*sacrifices goat*
For healthy beard growth.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:21, Reply)

I would like to offer up a prayer
For the girl I saw yesterday, who had quite a bit of beard hair underneath her chinny chin chin.

Dear God Of Beards, please look kindly on this poor 17 year old, and get rid of her beard and sideburns, unless of course she plans on a career in a sideshow, in which case let her beard grow long and free and curly.
Amen.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:24, Reply)

I would totally prostrate myself before you every day.
Mrs al made comment as to her dislike of my existing beard on Saturday. She did not look pleased when I explained that my current beard project was the passing of a complete calendar year without shaving or trimming it.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:28, Reply)

show her my picture
and tell her that you aspire to be like me.

or get that picture of Phil Collins where he looks like God. it's in the Name that Beard game on here somewhere.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:40, Reply)

Oh that's easy
The god of Brian Blessed's Voice, or death, whichever is available.

EDIT
Not Brian Blessed's death by the way!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:16, Reply)

God of death WITH Brian Blessed's voice
Going for the big job straight away, eh?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:23, Reply)

Of course
I think I could do a good job there.

DIE YOU HEATHEN SCUM!

/Brian Blessed
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:39, Reply)

I'd be The Goddess of Vampires
People would pray to me whenever Kaol was around and I'd zap him with lightening bolts
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:19, Reply)

God of Vengeance
Delivering vengeful justice based on the crime perpetrated. Cripes that would be fun. I could have underlings to do run of the mill and save the interesting ones for myself.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:23, Reply)

Would you drive across the heavens
in a Honda Accord?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:25, Reply)

You could travel in a magical Honda Accord
Edit: great minds etc
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:25, Reply)

It was inevitable,
It was just a question of who would get there first.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:31, Reply)

Set them up....
And they will come.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:37, Reply)

I think I'd be the goddess of Buttons
I like buttons.

I'd sit in a room with bowls of them, sorting out my favourites. And whenever someone loses a button, they'd pray to me and I'd send them one that would fit.

Don't ask me to do buttonholes though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:25, Reply)

Clearly we'd need a God of Buttonholes
Who you'd either be at war with or sleeping with. Or both.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:31, Reply)

The application for said God
is now open.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:33, Reply)

*cough*
Not me, I'm busy.

Perhaps my sidekick? He's Agnostic and related to the AntiChrist) but might be able to assist.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:55, Reply)

Sidekick?
I'm a fecking sidekick?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:00, Reply)

Hurts, doesn't it?
:D
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:02, Reply)

It's worse
You've not met the fucker.

To think I'm subservient to that cunt, grr
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:03, Reply)

I'm going to take a moment
To enjoy this.

*enjoys*
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:07, Reply)

Grr
Children these days

*scoffs*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:13, Reply)

You're only about 3 years older than me :)
So *blows raspberry*, Robin.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:14, Reply)

Haha
That Robin reference is more accurate than you realise!

c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/21/l_ebc4db434d7fc3c1e4c105cbe076cb6b.jpg
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:28, Reply)

Pffft.
Shush Spike, I actually have taste y'know.

And he tastes 'orrible :P

(contains lies)
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Oi!
What's with all the BULLYING ON THE INTERNET?

*cries*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:38, Reply)

Ooh
If I were a thousand years younger...

says the God of Pandering.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:55, Reply)

Have we got a God of Pandas?
I could do that. I like Pandas
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:57, Reply)

...

( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:58, Reply)

Does he have wings?
He could be my angel :0)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:59, Reply)

Are you blind?
It clearly has wings.
You're too dumb to be a God.
Next.
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:10, Reply)

they could have been klaxons

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Whatshesaid
Klaxons - that what they are
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:32, Reply)

Yeah, whatever.
If they weren't wings, how else would it fly around the world?
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:47, Reply)

Magic!

( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 16:08, Reply)

That's the first time that's been used in relation to me!
*fans self*
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Whatever,
That was directed at LiC :p
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:36, Reply)

Oh, I know!
He was pandering, and...and... you pointed out the fact...

Or was he?

I might go and delete this thread to save me some embarrassment.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:57, Reply)

I'll be God Of Mental-People.
That'd be fun.
Every time a paranoid schizophrenic rips his teeth out with pliers to "remove the the transmitters", I'll be there, whispering to him.

Every time a depressive hangs himself, I'll kick the chair away.

Every time someone with a violent personality disorder goes on a stabbing-rampage, I'll have told him to pick up the knife.
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:41, Reply)

*stabs Kaol in the chest*
What? You told me to do it you mong.
( Captain V, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:44, Reply)

In the words of Meatloaf
Id be the God of sex and drugs and rock and roll


Barring that id be the God of cheese on toast, delivering my heavenly treats to the righteous and pissed in need of post-night-out snackage
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:41, Reply)

I'd be the Goddess of trees and forests.
I've live in a fucking ace tree house with squirrel butlers and a wolf security guard.

People would pray to me to give them good harvest from their orchards and suchlike, or to protect endangered species.

And every time an acre of forest was cleared, I'd kill a corporate twat, by making trees grow out of all orifices.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:44, Reply)

And on weekends,
I'd be the Goddess of Minxes.

Rather innocent girls would pray to pull, and for the ability to dance in an erotic fashion.

Anyone doing anything too slaggish in my name would be struck with a plague of zits and B.O
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:06, Reply)

But I already am a God....

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:45, Reply)

The God of Rapey Scarecrows?

( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:45, Reply)

The God of Gods
A bit like Zeus or Odin, only better!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:00, Reply)

I'd be the god of trivia and pale people

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:01, Reply)

So that's boring goth types then?

( girlinthehole, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:10, Reply)

:(
I like trivia. And I'm pale.
This is Terrible Internet Bulling. Where's Al, God Of Web-Cunts?
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:11, Reply)

You boring goth-type!!
Grrr
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:19, Reply)

Moi aussi.
Apart from the fact I look like I have slap-cheek syndrome the whole time.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:28, Reply)

People keep slapping you on the bum?

( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 17:08, Reply)

My boss went mental when I told him consumer ink is, ml for ml, more expensive than gold.
He phoned up about 10 people to tell them that.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:45, Reply)

Haha
There would be a lot of those, but I am a broad church. So to speak.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:13, Reply)

Can I be the God of sexually repressed middle-aged women.
They would pray to me to experience an orgasm before they die and I could send them handsome thirty year old window cleaners to keep them happy.
( girlinthehole, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:02, Reply)

What did handsome thirty year-old window cleaners ever do to you?
NO! It was rhetorical! Honest!
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:05, Reply)

It's more a case of what handsome thirty year old window cleaners have NOT done to me that's the bitch.

( girlinthehole, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:08, Reply)

You need to let the bill build up for a while.
They'll only shag you if it's worthwhile.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:11, Reply)

Yes, you play with your top button and say...
"I'm shure we can come to shome short of arrangement..." *hic*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:20, Reply)

or squirt
windowlene up your clopper, give him a hairy wink and use a squeegy to stir your dribbling pink fah-knee.

it works for the woman next door to me
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:50, Reply)

I'm not sure what I'd be the God of...
But I'd change my name to 'Damn'.

So every time some irritating american says 'God damn' they will automatically incur my wrath!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:02, Reply)

I'd be the God of Gods.
The plebs would have to kiss my shoes to make me bother to protect them from the weather.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:10, Reply)

Already staked claim to this
A little further up the page
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:36, Reply)

pfft
You arrived to quick to be a God.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 16:16, Reply)

Easy
I would be the God of Hummus.

Fall in supplication at the altar of my chickpea goodness you bunch of cunts!!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:43, Reply)

I'll be the god of gods of gods, to infinaty and back.
But I would have no say over the current economic climet of austria.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:43, Reply)

The God of Split Condoms
Everytime one splits you'll be on your knees to me...
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:52, Reply)

The idea of that gives me Teh Fear.
*appeases god pre-emptively*
( Maladicta, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 18:37, Reply)

God of Headaches
Married men would pray to me for deliverance.
And I could answer my own prayers.
( Weejock, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:56, Reply)

Don't you mean the Oh God
of headaches?
( Maladicta, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 18:36, Reply)

Wine
I feel Bacchus and Epicurus have dropped the ball a bit recently and we need a new representative.

If you elect me, there will more, better, free and/or cheap wine for all.

Cant say fairer than that.

rafter
baz (us)
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 16:03, Reply)

Dear Beloved Lord Spoony
please deliver me from parental insanity and potential visitation.

Amen.
( Maladicta, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 18:35, Reply)