Yawn
Wow exciting topics there guys, the only consolation I have is that obviously very few people give a shit about cats any more.

Question: If your life was a horror film and you turned into the murderous freakish killer (assuming you haven't already) what would be your prefered way of killing off your co-workers/neightbourhood children/cats etc? Bonus points for vague plot points or creepy costumes
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 10:49, 75 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I read that as bonus points for vague pot plants
which is a coincidence as I would smash people round the head with one and make them eat pieces of broken terracotta until they died.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 10:50, Reply)

This is a good idea!
What would the papers call you I wonder??
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 10:59, Reply)

Maybe
Viprose badumdumtish
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:03, Reply)

as bad as this is
it's significantly better than the utter tripe that my mates are coming up with.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:06, Reply)

Ahhh good
See I was trying to think of something. The only thing I came up with was Terracotta BArmy! Hehe
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:07, Reply)

I was thinking something along those lines
but didn't quite get that far.

this is exactly what the tabloids would say.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:07, Reply)

The Sun
for sure!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:08, Reply)

The Daily Mail would probably go with
DIANA LIKED POT PLANTS
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:11, Reply)

Hahahahaha
It's funny because its true!! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:16, Reply)

Until they killed her TO DETH!
It was a pot plant in the middle of the road that caused the car to swerve and crash you know. Nowt to do with the driver being pissed and her not wearing a seatbelt. Oh no.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:43, Reply)

is not keanu enough for ducks?
Erm... is not sleeves enough for crack?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:53, Reply)

Only beckyletters would get the reference
as it came from a series of late night drunken gazzes about something :)
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:11, Reply)

*shocked face*
You get drunk?!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:12, Reply)

I KNOW!!!
Shameful isn't it?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:29, Reply)

Would I?
Christ I must have been drunk!

phone is co-operating while I eat tasty lunch for a change.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 13:10, Reply)

From a lengthy gaz exchange which went from meat puppets to the Matrix
with the Matrix ending up being blamed for everything:

"This is true.

I used to be able to run up walls and do kung fu and everything. Then the film came out and it was like "whatever".

If I'd mastered the art of wooden acting and spouting quasi-religious symbolism bollocks no one would have said anything. But because I'm like allrealistic and stuff, I was shunned by my peers. Even the ducks on the river refused to accept bread from me because I wasn't Keanu enough for them".
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Jul 2009, 13:43, Reply)

I'd probably
just hire one of those wood chipper machines (like in Fargo) and wander round chucking in the bodies of those that annoy me.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 10:54, Reply)

then, when someone asks where one of the victims is
you can say "Around" in an austrian accent.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 10:56, Reply)

Indeed.
I have just realised its quite a lazy approach to mass-murder isn't it... wander around, dragging the chipper shouting 'get in then'
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 10:57, Reply)

Chippers are quite heavy
You can probaably get a good workout from it and sell the mushed up remains as some kind of animal feed maybe? All in all a good business plan!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 10:58, Reply)

I hadn't considered that!!
Perhaps I could just drag around the chipper whilst an army of pigs followed munching away!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:00, Reply)

As long as you get the
evil Hannibal-esq pigs! If you train the pigs to look for truffles as well you could probably retire in a year
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:02, Reply)

this is sounding more and more like a viable plan

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:03, Reply)

I am liking this.
I'm not just your average murderer, I'm a murderer with a 5 year plan! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:05, Reply)

You could also
rent out your chipper to other murderous types who can't afford a chipper and some pigs
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:06, Reply)

That's it
I'm off to rent a chipper!! Next year I'll be retired and sunning myself in sweet sweet Rio! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:08, Reply)

Id like to wander around my neighbourhood dressed as Spongebob Squarepants feeding poisoned crabby patties to all and sundry.

( girlinthehole, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:03, Reply)

I'd quite like to see this!
I think you should also remodel your house into a pineapple
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:07, Reply)

The concept of an evil
Spongebob makes me sad!! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:09, Reply)

I remember watching some ITV murder drama when I was a bairn
God ITV love their murder mysteries don't they? But anyway, in this particular episode, the murderers choice of dispatch was nitting needles to the throat.

Really scared me that did! Think I might give it a whirl....
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:09, Reply)

I would dress as a clown
And wander about killing people by forcing baloons down their throat and blowing them up till they suffocated.

I would then hold a huge dinner party, cook the corpses, and feed them to my guests and myself, thus destroying most of the evidence.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:17, Reply)

eeeeeeep
clowns *shudders*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:18, Reply)

This is quite creepy
well done
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:19, Reply)

It was the clown bit wasn't it?
The rest was fairly normal.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:23, Reply)

MOre you
stuffing rubber down people's throats
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:26, Reply)

But you know
You'd like to watch.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:07, Reply)

People Laying
I would line them up, side by side and nail their feet to the ground. Then I would lay them like a hedge. Not with a chain saw, but with my Yorkshire billhook. Once the writhing had stopped, I would stake them down and bind the top Midland fashion. My costume would be normal hedgelaying attire i.e. a bit like a scarecrow. Being layed properly, they would not be dead, but would start sprouting from the ankles in spring, producing mini versions of themselves.

Does any body want to join me? I have more than one billhook.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:39, Reply)

This is
delightfully sureal. You get many points and a very wide berth
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:40, Reply)

My pleasure
and it really would be my pleasure
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:42, Reply)

I think cheesewire is underused in this genre.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:44, Reply)

Hmmm, perhaps a cheesewire line on a fishing rod.
I could hook it into things and then flail it around to cut people into bits. Whilst wearing hip waders and a sou'wester.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:47, Reply)

I think you should be dressed as a gnome
and chase V through the marshes
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:53, Reply)

Chasing sounds a bit much like effort.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:11, Reply)

Well his tiny legs
would mean you would probably be able to chase him down on a segway. Although they probably don't work well on marsh land... so a hovercraft.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:14, Reply)

I'm all for hovercraft.
Rather than dressing as a gnome, can't I just paint him blue and then disguise myself as Gargamel?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:20, Reply)

I approve of this

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:23, Reply)

I'd like to move somewhere ghastly, like Manchester,
and build a gigantic swimming pool in my back garden. Then I would have a massive pool party, inviting all of the people in the area to it. However, the pool would be full of stong acid that would look and smell like water. They would all dive in, while I stood on a balcony overlooking the pool. I would watch as their eyes registered the burning sensation on their skin, marvel as the pleasure turned to pain turned to screaming, melting agony. Of course, those at the edges may be able to get out, but I'd pick those ones off with a few well placed land mines and dogs with big bitey teeth.

I am not mad.
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:45, Reply)

no you are MICHAEL BARRYMORE
AICMFP
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:47, Reply)

Will you take a cheque for your fiver?
Or would you like a chair leg rammed brutally up your bum hole?
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:54, Reply)

Oh that depends
is it lubed?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:57, Reply)

Lubed? What do you think this is, *romance*?

(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:00, Reply)

I like to dream, Slip, I like to dream

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:02, Reply)

This is terrible!
You can't have dogs biting people who are covered in acid, it would ruin their teeth!

*calls RSPCA*
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:48, Reply)

Got it covered...
I would give the dogs a protective mouthgard. They won't really need sharpness, the acid should have mulched the flesh nicely already.
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:55, Reply)

Well, as long as you've thought it through.
You could avoid the problem entirely if you just went for robot-dogs, of course.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:11, Reply)

Easy
I'd just walk around behind Kaol, everytime I want someone killed, I'll hit him with a stick, point at them, and say "They did it."

Easy.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 11:54, Reply)

My other idea
Is to dig a hole in the middle of the pavement on Oxford Street and make a lid out of the paving slabs. Set up motion sensors around the hole, and every time somebody walked too close to it I'd pop out dressed as a spider, scream "Trap Door" and drag them into the depths of my Pit of DoomTM.

I would them strangle them with a pair of silk stockings, chop them up, and put the parts into a liquidiser, drinking the resultant liquid.

To avoid capture I would dig a multitude of tunnels, life the Vietcong did, so that I could escape into the Tube tunnels and sewers, only to pop up again somewhere else.

The paper would probably call me Spiderman.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:04, Reply)

I think the paper would call you
Freakazoid
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:11, Reply)

But he was a hero!
You can tell I've thought about this, can't you!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:15, Reply)

A little too much maybe

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:17, Reply)

Just remember
That hundreds of people go missing every year and are never heard from again. We can't blame Kaol for all of them.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:18, Reply)

I like your idea of
killing Oxford Street shoppers though! I may also take my chipper down that way and do some damage!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:18, Reply)

You could
Put it at the bottom of the hole, it would save on getting a liquidiser.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:19, Reply)

Good thinking
I will also have an army of pigs so you won't have to worry about disposing of your bodies now, I'm sure I can sell you some nice and cheap!! ASDA price!! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:21, Reply)

ooh
you'll be an unstoppable tag team of murdery evil
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:21, Reply)

I like this so much
I have clicked 'I Like This' button!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:22, Reply)

Yay
We'd be the Batman and Robin of EVIL!

Or maybe some other team.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:23, Reply)

Yeah maybe some other team
I don't want to be Robin again! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:24, Reply)

That's OK
You don't have to be Robin.

Could we call ourselves The Deadly Duo though?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:33, Reply)

Pinky and The Brain

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:33, Reply)

But
Who is who?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 13:28, Reply)

I'll be
Pinky! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 13:31, Reply)

Then I suppose
I must be The Brain.

ROFL
:)
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 13:46, Reply)

Bukkake and Nobbin'
More like.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 14:14, Reply)

Is there something wrong with me?
I think about this all the time. There are so many ways to kill someone without arousing suspicion...poison, choking, inducing heart attacks, carbon monoxide...
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 21:27, Reply)