I was dead all of last week with only slight signs of ressurection on friday
Now I'm back, and most of the nose custard has dried up, I want to wish you all a happy Monday.

Tell me stuff about anything at all, I need to look busy in the office.
Or, does anybody have a good way of rejuvenating crusty snot rags?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 7:37, 109 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I haz hangover
I have loads to do in work.
I am scared to brush my teeth in case it makes me ill.
I did my quiz drunk and don't remember half of it. I sobered up a bit by the time I got home but I fear the damage had been done.
I blame my mother and her festivities.
Any sympathy at all?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 7:50, Reply)

Good Morning Miss
Have an apple.

And Sympathy
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:05, Reply)

Oh I can't eat.
I feel quite quite nervous and giddy.
Thanks for the sympathy though. I'll have that.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:06, Reply)

My head still feels as though a frenchman is living in it
Too much Nightnurse.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:11, Reply)

my head is merely tired

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:17, Reply)

Nothing terminal then?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:20, Reply)

The other half has been sent away
I saw her out at 7am. I'm on holiday and was contemplating going back to bed. But alas I want my moneys worth from this holiday and want to enjoy every minute. Just 'avin a healthy breakfast and a cuppa tea. A swim later on, and then laze around aaaaaaaaall day.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 7:52, Reply)

I can't have a cuppa.
I've run out of milk.
God is punishing me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 7:57, Reply)

FFS
He'll be sending earthquakes next. Better watch out.

Morning all, by the way.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:20, Reply)

Mornin'
So the earthquakes in Chile and Haiti were due to milk shortages?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:22, Reply)

Yes
God saw that the peoples had been lazy and not bothered to stock up on milk. So he punished them by sending a mighty tremor.

He had considered flood or pestilence, but decided that earthquakes would garner more media attention.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:23, Reply)

Pestilence just doesn't have the X Factor anymore..

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:26, Reply)

God really is a git
But it does explain why dried milk is always the first aid to arrive.

You're a theological genius.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:28, Reply)

Yes
Although dried milk could also be seen as laziness, hence aftershocks.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:29, Reply)

What about Soya milk?
I think God is upset by this too.

It is really wrank.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Soya milk's not really milk
So it's probably worthy of some natural disaster too. God doesn't need reasons, of course. He just moves in his own mysterious ways.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:36, Reply)

I've got some in the fridge,
which certainly explains why I was ill.

I'll chuck it out when I get home.

You sure are wise K2k6.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:42, Reply)

It's the wisdom of years

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Morning
I stayed up late to finish my dissertation, and feel great now that it's done. I see a day of doing very little ahead of me.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:25, Reply)

Shouldn't you be drunk by now?

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:27, Reply)

I celebrated by doing a short dance
And then falling asleep. Rock 'n' roll!
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:28, Reply)

I'm not well myself, old boy.
I've spent the weekend in bed, and not in a good way. I was supposed to be seeing my little girl on Saturday then meeting up with my Canadian cousins for lunch and beer - instead I saw no-one, did nothing and am back at work feeling fucking weird: dizzy, sick and a little confused. Were my boss not in Chicago (not the band) I'd be off sick.

Bah fucking humbug.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:48, Reply)

Surely if your boss is in Chicago
he's not going to know if you're at work or not.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:50, Reply)

When he's away I run the business.
Were both of us absent things would rapidly turn to shit.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:58, Reply)

Ah, OK
Fair enough. In that case, your day is indeed shit. Sorry to hear it.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Are you a two man juggling act?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Pantomime horse, actually.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Arse end?
Bummed?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Sounds pretty similar to mine
Don't let anyone here wind you up.

Sorry to hear you couldn't see your nipper.

Now MTFU shirter.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:56, Reply)

I'm feeling as fit as a butcher's dog.
Grrrrrr.....woof!
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Help me
I need duvet and warm :(
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:53, Reply)

Nah! what you need is MOAR BEER.
Only two more weeks till we meet up....Woo!
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:55, Reply)

That's your answer to every thing
And its always correct. Have you thought about going on mastermind?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:00, Reply)

Specialist subject
Jeff Bridges
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:02, Reply)

He is kinda special is old Jeff.
I spent the weekend Youtubing him and sighing a lot.
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:04, Reply)

That's no good
After the first question she would just sit there swooning.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Hey
did you watch / enjoy Stardust?
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:57, Reply)

Cracking film!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Nope
We ate meringues, got drunk and had a big family jamming sesh.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Shiny Claire Danes.
Mmmmmmm.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:28, Reply)

I'm a bit fucked off really
This week I have to contact the landlord, gas, electricity, water, council, TV license, and a couple of others to cancel them all.

My housemate has decided to move back to his Mum's after losing his job. Now I have to sort everything out, find a new place to live, and get rid of loads of stuff, all on a normal months pay.

Fucking joyful.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Could be worse
He could be moving back to your mum's.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Badness

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:06, Reply)

But can you play with it

Also quick reply is awseomeness!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:10, Reply)

I'm proper well good innit.
The sun is shining, I put another five miles on my boots yesterday, the bank account looks healthy and I've just booked a short break for daughter and I over Easter. I'm radiating happy vibes so all you sick and hung-over people can just cheer the fuck up.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Yay! where to?

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Dorset south coast again ;)
Seaside, yeah!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Jurassic coast?
Did you see Jeff Goldblum?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:12, Reply)

I'm trying so hard.
I need Red Bull.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:07, Reply)

I have Green Flavour Relentless.
It is less horrible than I expected.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:27, Reply)

I can only assume you expected that it would taste like David Bellamy's bell end then

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:29, Reply)

I was expecting it to taste similar to orange juice, just after you've brushed your teeth.
It's not quite that bad.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:32, Reply)

haha!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Now I'm angry.
My fucking ISP customer service people have lied to me again. First they said I needed a new router to work with my laptop which I didn't and then they said there would be details with my new router to return it to them, which there isn't. This means I have to ring the fuckers up again.

If it wasn't so much hassle to switch, then I would.
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:21, Reply)

Switching might be less hassle than phoning your numpties again...
and you might get a better deal!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:24, Reply)

If I don't get the refund I ask for when I get my next bill then I probably will.

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:26, Reply)

Or you could just kidnap Roota
and funnel the internet through her...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:27, Reply)

What's THAT supposed to mean?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Router.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Oh
Yeah
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:19, Reply)

I am concerned.
Yesterday evening I had dinner, but I was still hungry, so I ate all of the biscuits and crisps, but I was still hungry, so I had another dinner.

Am I becoming a lolfatty? Only time will tell. But it would be irritating as I bought some new jeans at the weekend that are all of the sex and I would be distressed to out-bloat them within a week.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:26, Reply)

You're just having a growing spurt.

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:27, Reply)

This morning I am sensible and mature
and I shall therefore resist making wank jokes even though you have used the word spurt.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:30, Reply)

How very civilised of you.

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:37, Reply)

What's happening to me, Blousie?
*fears*
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:39, Reply)

You've obviously not been seeing Clendrix enough.

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:44, Reply)

It can't be that.
I'm not sure it would be possible for me to see any more of her.

/statement left deliberately ambiguous
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:47, Reply)

You have worms

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Aw man,
I'm not allowed pets in my flat :(
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Here we go


This will be you after your marathon dinner fest.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:53, Reply)

I'm getting fat, not turning into Wormulus.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:54, Reply)

But you do so like the laydeez

(Bazongaloid, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I am considering taking my lechery semi-pro.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:06, Reply)

I will lend you my maternity jeans. Plenty of room for an expanding waistline.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:47, Reply)

I woke up without a headache for the first time in three weeks.
So I made a Honey, fruit and tea loaf this morning and took it to work for my colleagues.
( Peej, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:35, Reply)

Is there no end to your talents?

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:38, Reply)

I think its a little heavy
Maybe less baking powder next time.

I am not very good at a lot of stuff. Pushing myself for one. I worry sometimes that I will be stuck as a technician for the rest of my life due to my laziness.
( Peej, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:43, Reply)

I'm the same.
No motivation. I still haven't really got back into drawing. I think if I was around people who were in the arts then I might have more inclination.
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:47, Reply)

I'm sad
now when you refresh the page it takes you back to the top
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:10, Reply)

No it doesn't
maybe it's your shit browser
(Bazongaloid, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Maybe it's your
shit face.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Maybe
or maybe the static discharge caused by your big fat thighs rubbing together when you walk has damaged your computer.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Would they need to be massively hairy to cause a charge to build up?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Pft
I don't walk anywhere. I get wheeled around on my office chair
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Ironside?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Best theme tune EVARRR
Quincy Jones, I believe.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Quincy Jones makes painkillers?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:36, Reply)

That took me a couple of seconds, nice work Roots

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:41, Reply)

the day that Monty needs correcting by Roota,
we're all fucked.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:52, Reply)

I am ill, Father William

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:59, Reply)

I'm desperate, Dan!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 11:07, Reply)

I don't think Roota has read any Lewis Carroll

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Ah, but have you watched
Boys from the Blackstuff?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 11:19, Reply)

They made us watch it in school
failing utterly to realise that to a classroom full of inveterate snobs, the programme would be seen as nothing short of a hilarious comedy about some ghastly poor people from up north.

We were in stitches.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 11:21, Reply)

I thought it was very funny
And I like to see town how it looked then.
I remember watching Yozzer's bit being filmed and bawling my eyes out "NANA TAKE ME HOOOME!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 11:35, Reply)

yup
as a social commentry on the dangers of northern people
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 12:00, Reply)

Monster Munch
Best-in StimulationDRINK
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:24, Reply)

GREAT NEWS, EVERYONE!
My vinyl copy of 'Satori' by The Flower Travellin' Band has been delivered!

Feel free to have the rest of the day off to celebrate.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:39, Reply)

OK

( Peej, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:43, Reply)

I've had a talk with my work's occupational health person this morning
and he's told me I should be on sick leave. So I emailed my Head of Dept to tell him this and he hasn't replied. This is the same HoD who has been guilt-tripping me about my time spent in hospital ("oh the students are really worried they're missing their lectures... it's such a shame for the students"). Well, Prof HoD, it's such a shame for me that I'm in bloody agony with limited sleep and mobility and excess vomiting due to painkillers, grrrr.

Aside from that, sun is shining, it's a lovely day and I'm supposed to go to London to give a (doped up, codeine-fuelled) talk at UCL so I'd better get my shit together.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Throw up on his desk
He'll soon get the message.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:50, Reply)

What a cunt
I hope he gets pregnant with a baby made of acid and it had to be deliverered out of his bum.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:54, Reply)

^this. With added forceps.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 10:58, Reply)

And tearing, no cutting.

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 11:00, Reply)

Stop it!!!!!!
I'm not going to be able to sit comfortably all day now. The imagery is too painful. (I want to stress that I believe all pregnant women should get at least one year off at full pay starting 3 months prior to the due date).
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Rejuvenating crusty snotrags.
Involves boiling them in a pan and then washing them along with woollens and using fabric conditioner. Easier to buy new ones I think.
I certainly wouldn't want to use the pan for food after that.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 15 Mar 2010, 12:01, Reply)

I have some bad news about your best pan
On the plus side my hankies are like new.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Except for those suspicious stains.
But they were there anyway.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 15 Mar 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Thanks Porkylips
I knew someone would give advice.

Now its just a matter of hitting them with a hammer 'till they fit in the saucepan.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 12:48, Reply)