puns
i never read "the sun" as i am not really into tits or football, but the guy opposite me on the tube yesterday had it. and the headline was: "wham bam sam cam's a mam (she'll need a new pram)". and the headline on the back was "pain roo-knee".

why do "the sun" journalists get to start everything they write like that, and i get to start everything i write with "lease dated 10 january 1996 made between (1) greedy landlord limited (2) insolvent tenant limited (now in administration) and (3) mr unfortunate bastard going to lose his house over this guarantor".

what makes you jealous about other people's jobs? or, as it's nearly 12pm, what's for lunch?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:35, 51 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lunch is Morrocan hummus and chicken sandwiches

I am jealous of Mr.T's job because he gets to build cool machines and help people and shit without the guilt of killing anyone.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:37, Reply)

I am this close ><
to having a liquid lunch
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:38, Reply)

constipated?
>< neuueererrer
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:39, Reply)

She said 'lunch'
Not 'dump.'
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:14, Reply)

I'm jealous that my diver client earnt £230K tax free last year
because he spent more than 6 months at sea.

I wanted to be a diver, but oh no there's no money in it, better to get a safe office job...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:39, Reply)

I'm going to learn to scuba dive this summer
you can come with me and we'll open a diving school together and that'll show everyone.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Sounds ace
but he's a deep sea diver, oil rigs and wot not. It's not unusual for him to spend months in a deep sea capsule (a bit like in The Abyss).
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:42, Reply)

They have to breath helium and sound silly.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:43, Reply)

that's a bit scary
I was thinking more of looking at all the tropical fishies and punching sharks in the nose and drinking rum in the evening while people play kettle drums around us. We would frequently turn to each other, sigh and say "this is the life, eh?"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:46, Reply)

Good luck with the scuba
I learnt back in 1999 at Weymouth and have been to the Red Sea twice and the Galapogos Islands. People knock PADI, but having dived with unqualified dive guides I would choose PADI any day.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:53, Reply)

When I'm a rich diving instructor
I'll send for you with a trail of clues, like in Shawshank.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Aww thanks!
but Shawshank without the gang-rape I hope.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:03, Reply)

hang on
where was the gangrape in that movie?? did i miss something??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Yup, it was all narrated by Morgan Freeman
"Over the years, Andys arse took a pounding"

Then the nasty guard crippled the ring leader and everything worked out just fine.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:13, Reply)

oh
totally missed that. first time i have felt too innocent for anything in a very long time!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:16, Reply)

I totally heard that in my head in Morgan Freeman's voice

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 14:05, Reply)

didn't the sisters do some gang raping?
or did he get away with it?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Did you mean kettle drums?

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:04, Reply)

that's what I wrote,
isn't it?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Who told you there was no money in diving?
There's shitloads.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Teachers, career bods, assorted arseholes...my BSAC training manual.

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:44, Reply)

commercial diving/underwater engineering is very well paid.
Relativley shit life though, and you can't do it forever.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Thing is though, he didnt actually do any diving last year.
he was topside in charge of the divers. Theres a lot of money to be made because of Hurricane Katrina.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:47, Reply)

and if you go and work for a diving school in tropical climes
you get board and food in return for lower wages, so your cost of living is low and you get to spend most of your time messing about in the sea. And you get to see the whole cast of Finding Nemo on a daily basis. Except for Bruce the Shark, hopefully.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:48, Reply)

my brother is an accountant
he says the exact same thing... well, not about the diving. but about being suckered into a nice safe steady job.

so, this client, kind of like a marine james bond, then. does he need a good lawyer?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:43, Reply)

probably, do you know one? (ba-dum-TISH)
he was a labourer on building sites until his mid twenties. Not a qualification to his name.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:45, Reply)

no, i don't know any!
hmmm, so that probably means nice muscles as well as [insert obligatory joke about going down really well]
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:47, Reply)

He has arms like popeye
nice bloke, drives crap cars (like me) even though he could afford something flashy (sort of like me).
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:49, Reply)

yeah but does he have
his very own chicken, eh?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Good point Miss Swipe
i'm living the dream
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:55, Reply)

ah but which dream?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:57, Reply)

A recurring one
Where I’m a boring accountant who lives on his own with a chicken :D
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:01, Reply)

could be worse
you could have thought, law, there's a sexy and dramatic career.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Ha! I'm not clever enough for law
I remember looking into doing law at uni and was put off by the high grades required. I was never going to get 2 As and a B!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:09, Reply)

pfffft
it is clear from your posts that you are a damn sight too clever. want to hear an absolute classic from my new trainee, who will one day be a lawyer...

me: "what is the term of the lease?" him: "the term?" me: "the length. you know. how long it was granted for. like they taught you in law school......" him: "oh. where would i find that?" me: IN THE FUCKING LEASE. him: "oh." [minutes of silence] [more minutes of feverish page turning] him: "oh here it is! got it! the term is the term of years hereby created!"

jesus.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Aww bless...smack her round the head with a big reference book.
I try not to have anything to do with trainees. They tend to be 18 year old girls with gravity defying breasts. Trouble with a capital "T".
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:18, Reply)

well
this one is male. and truly, obscenely fit. the first time he walked in, i think my instructions were gaaaaaaaaah accompanied by some attractive dribble. the sad thing is, now that i know just how dim he is (the wheel is spinning. the hamster is dead.), i can't even appreciate the glorious looks because i just want to brain some sense into him. and i am sure you'd feel the same about the perky 18 year-yeah, right!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:29, Reply)

Afternoon swipey!
How's things with you, apart from the retarded assistant.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:30, Reply)

i am posting from my bed
with a killer headache. can't decide if it is better or worse than being at work! how are you stranger??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:36, Reply)

I think any excuse to be at home is generally better than work.
I'm stupidly busy at the moment. I was looking forward to my birthday on friday, but now I have to go on a course on waste management in Luton. I hate Luton.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:53, Reply)

I'm jealous of that guy who got to go and live on an island near Australia
and write a blog about it, just because he did his audition from the back of an ostrich.

He's really annoying and he can't blog for shit. So I hate him.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:40, Reply)

hello, I like tits and football.
I'm dealing with a letting agency at the moment, I'm waiting for a phone call.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:41, Reply)

ha good luck with that
start throwing random bits of statute at them like "s11 housing act 1995" and "human rights act".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:44, Reply)

I'm just waiting to see if my identity check and credit check go through ok.
They should do, but you never know what random shit they'll pull up.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:46, Reply)

just pray
they don't find you on here. they wouldn't let a cardboard box to a sick pervert like you...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:48, Reply)

If they do find you Chompy
I work in a box factory so I'll find you a nice double wall with a window
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:52, Reply)

"I'm sorry sir, but it says here you kicked a puppy back in 93"

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:53, Reply)

I don't read the Sun
Due to the Hillsborough coverage. Scummy twats.

I'm jealous of one of my friends. He's left his current job, and is in an interview for the same job in another company, only for £6k more per year. Bastard.

Lunch today is cheese toasties with Super noodles.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:45, Reply)

I try not to be jealous
and I'm successful most of the time. I'm laid back like that.

Lunch? A sandwich - what kind of sandwich is dependant on what the corner shop is stocking today. This week, I ar mostly been eating chicken, sweetcorn and mayo sandwiches.
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:58, Reply)

I'm considering having
parma ham with red pesto on a toasted muffin on a bed of spinach, drizzled with olive oil and a scattering of pine nuts.

Or I might just open a tin of beans & sausages and have them with potato waffles.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Lunch is
Butternut squash and mushroom risotto, made by my good lady last night and which I didn't eat on account of falling asleep on the couch following a fairly stressful day.

Ideal job - Top Gear presenter. It must be ace to get paid for acting like an overgrown schoolboy and insulting the Prime Minister.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:33, Reply)