One of my legs is shorter than the other
I have truly shitty posture, and my bad neck was "a timebomb waiting to go off".

When were you last given it straight from a medical professional?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:12, 126 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So it's all your own fault?
You brought it on yourself?
Take that, wonky legs!

Hiya Al ;)
How's it doing now?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:14, Reply)

He made my back do a massive clicky thing
then he made my neck do an even bigger clicky thing. Then he poked my neck a bit, asked me to open my jaw, decided my neck hadn't done enough of a clicky thing and made it click some more.

It felt brilliant. It's kind of worn off again now, but I'm going back for more clicky things on thursday.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:19, Reply)

Blimey
Is he a doctor or a charlatan?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:21, Reply)

I love the clicky thing
Where can I have it done?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:23, Reply)

The office below mine houses an osteopath
and she's tiny but she doesn't half give a good back cracking
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:26, Reply)

I had a massage in Thailand
The girl was really small, but she managed to crack all my bones.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:34, Reply)

all my bones me off
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:35, Reply)

I once went to a Brothel in Cambodia, not realising it was a brothel
It was quite embarrassing.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:37, Reply)

My mother did the same
In Sevilla. She was furious at the prices per room. She couldn't believe they charged per hour! And more if you share the room with a man!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Come to North London

(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:32, Reply)

Using Megabus?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I work with a lot of middle age nurses.
They generally are blunter than something very blunt... I don't know a wall or something. Shut up
(PsychoChomp, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:16, Reply)

"you have very large fibroids and they may cause you difficulty in conceiving" [O! irony]
followed by "we'll have to put you on drugs to temporarily induce the menopause in order to shrink them, then we'll do abdominal surgery to remove them, 'kthanxbye".

Also: "if your kidneys get worse we'll have to look at inserting a tube into your side and draining them into a bag"

and

"We can't fix you but we can hand out codeine like smarties."
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:16, Reply)

codine makes my mouth fuzzy

(PsychoChomp, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:17, Reply)

The last time I had a smear, the nurse screamed.

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:17, Reply)

Once when I had a smear
The weird cow said she liked my cervix and offered me a MIRROR.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:18, Reply)

Goddamit woman!
You seem to have it all. Including a damn fine cervix.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:19, Reply)

What is the point of having a 'fine' cervix?
No fucker can see it.
I'd rather lose the cellulite and have a bumpy cervix.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:20, Reply)

Well I'd like to have a damn fine something.
Although I don't have cellulite as it's genetic. Even when I was a porker I didn't get it.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:21, Reply)

Even when I weighed 6st 2lb
I had cellulite.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:23, Reply)

Ha! I finally have you beat at something.

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:25, Reply)

You have not beaten me at apathy

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:25, Reply)

I'm sorry to hear that.

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:32, Reply)

I got told my cervix was "fabulous",
which I think implied scatter cushions and a feather boa.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:20, Reply)

Jesus, is it some kind of conspiracy?
"Tell them their cervixes are well fit and they'll keep coming back."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:22, Reply)

I had my first one a few weeks ago
and she took twenty minutes trying to do it and couldn't so I had to go back a week later. She said it was because my cervix was all turned around, but maybe it was because she liked it so much she wanted to do it twice.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:22, Reply)

Haha there was one who kept saying "I can't get it in"
So I suggested a glass of wine and to put Kings of Leon on.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:24, Reply)

haha
it was my first time so I was too scared to make jokes. Although at one point she bashed my piercing and it hurt so I asked her to be careful and she said "my daughter's just had her belly button pierced" and I said "that's where it starts, it's all down hill from there, literally, haha". She didn't laugh. She's probably locked her daughter up now.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Best. Chat up. Line. EVER.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:36, Reply)

You should lose weight, that'll help.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:17, Reply)

I finished the last of the easter eggs last night.
:(
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:19, Reply)

Me too.
Now I have to resort to getting my chocolate through the medium of biscuit coatings.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:20, Reply)

I'm imagining you sucking the chocolate away from the biscuit
like an octopus would suck the middle out of oysters. I'm not sure why.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:23, Reply)

It's pretty close to the truth.
I have chocolate covered rich tea biscuits at the moment. Light enough to eat half a packet like they are giant biscuity crisps.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:25, Reply)

Can I suggest placing two biscuits chocolate to chocolate then microwaving for 10 secs to melt the chocolate
*was a stoner*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:24, Reply)

That sounds interesting
I'll buy some tomorrow and try.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:35, Reply)

"That's the biggest ulcer I've ever seen, can i take a photo for a journal?"

that's what happens if you drink lots, sit up all night taking drugs and don't eat properly at Uni kids.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:20, Reply)

All the time, I'm perma-ill.
=((((((((((

The thing I hate is when everyone tries to digonise me or tell me in explicit detail everything that I'm doing "wrong" in my life, health wise.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:21, Reply)

Try not breathing, after a while your other symptoms will pass.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:22, Reply)

I'm sorting out all my tablets at the moment, presuming I'm flying off on wendsday, in case I am.
I didn't realise, I take at least 36 pills a day, on average =/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:26, Reply)

That's more than monty!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:29, Reply)

Geez Gonz!
I bet you rattle when you walk.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:31, Reply)

I'm supprised I _can_ actually walk, thinking about it.
Elephants would struggle to stay awake on all this lot.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:35, Reply)

You should consolidate all your illnesses into one small monthly illness,
drop out of university and get a carer.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:23, Reply)

*Not sure how to reply, so I'll reply with this*
www.b3ta.com/links/250293
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:29, Reply)

OMG I want a chicken
and a dog. Mostly a dog but also a chicken.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:31, Reply)

Keep the dream alive, make it happen.
/ac
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I think it'll be in around a week
I'm registering with a new GP today, it takes 7 days to get everything sorted.

After that we'll talk about my shorter leg (just like yours), my ingrowing hair and my itchy eyes complete with stained vision (this last one is starting to worry me properly now)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:22, Reply)

Stained vision?
Do you mean strained?
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:23, Reply)

No, she keeps seeing the queen as the head of government

(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:25, Reply)

I try not to look at her
I feel the rage of the wasted money.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:27, Reply)

That's what you get when someone jizzes in your eyes

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:26, Reply)

No, like in stains
Little dots and lines here and there, and some blur if I'm looking at something and quickly look at something else.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Ah!

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:27, Reply)

The optician said it was migraine
without the headaches.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Isn't seeing spots before the eyes
a potential sign of diabetes? Or did I dream that?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:32, Reply)

I don't know
I've always had them, but recently they're everywhere. It's so difficult to concentrate at meetings or on the road, with all those stains moving in front of my eyes... I can see through them, but it makes everything deformed.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Might be worth seeing an optician.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:37, Reply)

I get that
where it looks like a flash photo has been taken?

I lose my vision when I get migraines, it's well annoying and inconvenient. Last time was in Sainsbury's so I went to the pharmacy and asked for migraine help and I had to explain to her that I couldn't see directly in front of me, so I kind of had to look to the side of her to see her, she must have thought I was bonkers.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Yes, it's something like that!
But all the time. I don't get headaches, so it's not as bad. Still, quite anoying.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:43, Reply)

Was macular degeneration mentioned?
Were I you, I'd get a second opinion. Then another to be certain of having someone to sue.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:20, Reply)

I was thinking that.
Or that one you get from cat poo with the nematodes in your eye. Like on House.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Earlier today, your mum in a nurses outfit

( broadsword, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:26, Reply)

I have to have a check up with the doctor after work today before he'll give me any more medication.
This will basically consist of him asking me if I'm ok, me saying yes and then him giving me another prescription.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:29, Reply)

That sounds easy
Do you get fantastic pills or just common ones?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:32, Reply)

Well they are fantastic at keeping my symptons away.
I have to take a pill each day for the rest of my life for my stomach and a low dosage anti-depressant to keep my panic attacks at bay.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:36, Reply)

If they help you to go shopping in Manchester
On a Saturday on a crowded street... then they are fantastic pills.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:37, Reply)

I guess they are then : )

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:40, Reply)

You should pass a few of them

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Not in so many words, but
"Your eyelid condition may be linked with obstructive sleep apnea. You need to stop smoking, lose a bit of weight or you might die early".
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:36, Reply)

State the obvious doctor, states the obvious.

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:37, Reply)

The obstructive sleep apnea
could actually cause me to stop breathing during sleep though, which is what he meant.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:41, Reply)

I would have thought Tourettes nightly omissions were enough to make you stop breathing.

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:43, Reply)

A friend of mine has that problem
His wife has had to wake him up twice in the last year, as he wasn't breathing while sleeping.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:45, Reply)

That has happened to me apparently.
Tourette's has to nudge me to get me to start breathing again. It's a good job I'm worth fuck all otherwise she might be tempted to leave me be...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Can't you get a little thingy from your doctor that beeps when you stop breathing?

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:52, Reply)

I do this thing where I have a nightmare and then I wake up and realise I'm not breathing
And I have to make gasping sounds to start breathing again.
Then I say something really odd like "IT'S ON ME! THE PLUG IS ON ME!"
That's something to do with apnoea and oxygen or summat.
I should warn the bf about it really...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:55, Reply)

*shakes head*
I've got myself a proper weirdo here
( djtrialprice, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Nooo, it only happensif I lie on my back for a long time
And I've pretty much trained myself not to do that.
So it's not likely to happen very often, and therefore I'm almost completely normal :)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 17:14, Reply)

¬_¬
Almost completely normal. Sure hon, of course you are.
( djtrialprice, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 17:19, Reply)

Oh, get it up ye!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 17:34, Reply)

Mrs al's dad has that
he sleeps with a facemask attached to a pump to keep him breathing all night, it works really well, previously he basically didn't sleep for about 10 years or so, now he's fine.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:57, Reply)

It's an option, apparently.
But not before all other options have been explored.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:01, Reply)

Like giving up smoking and losing weight?

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:03, Reply)

Yep.
One down, one to go.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:04, Reply)

Woo!
We'll go for a run when you come over in June : )
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:11, Reply)

fuck that
if there's a mask available

a mate of mine had to wear one. admittedly he is thin and doesn't smoke (much). sorted him out that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:05, Reply)

When in was living in Japan, a Japanese doctor said to me:
You no make egg. You never have baby.
It's rather fortunate that I wasn't planning on breeding, or I might have been a little upset.
Edit: Actually, it does make me feel a bit sad, nonetheless.
( thealternativefact, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Shame you only went in about a sore throat.
Edit - I am sorry to hear that nevertheless. It's never nice hearing news like that even if you don't plan on breeding.
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:43, Reply)

All that karaoke :(

( thealternativefact, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:43, Reply)

bukkakke
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Best of all the akkes...

( thealternativefact, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:45, Reply)

You could adopt wookiee.
Or Catface.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:43, Reply)

Yes, the problem children are always left to adopters to sort out.

( thealternativefact, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:44, Reply)

You could try a 6 month trial period.
If it doesn't work out due to their previously undiagnosed behavioural problems, send them back with a note. A bit like that American woman who returned the Russian kid she adopted because he was a cunt.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Technical psycological term there, coined by Freud himself

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:00, Reply)

I'm only repeating what the papers said.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:02, Reply)

that story made me so sad
stupid bitch.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:12, Reply)

Catface would be more fun in the short term
but it would be sad when you have to put him down.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:44, Reply)

I assume by 'short term' you mean twenty-five minutes.

( thealternativefact, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:45, Reply)

After 25 minutes
you'd get bored of watching him falling over while trying to clean himself.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Oh come on, that stays funny for at least a couple of hours.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:19, Reply)

Oh, for fuck's sakes.
She mothers me enough as it is.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:56, Reply)

I must admit
that time she offered to change your nappy was a bit disconcerting...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:03, Reply)

YOU were disconcerted?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:18, Reply)

Yes.
And strangely aroused at the same time.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:38, Reply)

You facking love it.

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Dogs are way better than kids anyway.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:43, Reply)

I can't have one of those either.
Apparently I don't have the 'right womb' or somesuch nonsense.
( thealternativefact, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Does it make you walk around in circles?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:46, Reply)

No, but on Wednesdays it takes me out and gets me drunk.

( thealternativefact, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:47, Reply)

When doing a snowboard season a french Doctor once told me I had blood "in my oorine"

"You may ave bad kidneee infectition or perraps you fall on kidney too much, fank you next"

I left pondering impeding renal failure or trying ensure next time I fell over I landed on my face instead
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Officelol.

( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:46, Reply)

"you need to go to this place and take this test because you probably have cancer"

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:47, Reply)

Doc "I have bad news I'm afraid"
Patient"Oh God what is it?"
Doc "Well you have cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient "Well at least I don't have cancer!"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Oh dear.
NHS values on a global scale.
( thealternativefact, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:52, Reply)

then when I got there they wouldn't give me the test because I was a virgin
the didn't want to break the seal with the massive flagpole that was meant to go in my hoo.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:58, Reply)

You Americans and your insistence on sticking flags everywhere.
*begins using the word 'hoo'*
( thealternativefact, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:01, Reply)

well, when it comes to marking your territory eventually you run out of piss

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:02, Reply)

That seems less important than finding out if you have cancer
after all you can break the hymen horse riding
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:03, Reply)

Yeah, well, they did a few different tests that told me I was cancer free
now I just have to worry about the dead pandas bumhole bum aids
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:07, Reply)

It was on April 15.
When I went in to get the cast-like thing off of my leg and get fitted for a removable boot for my broken ankle I asked when I would be able to drive again. He snapped at me, "You don't retain much information, do you?"

I replied, "If you'll recall, that was over three weeks ago when I last saw you and I was on a pretty hefty dose of pain medication. That tends to mess with your memory and make it hard to retain much. However, I'm now completely off of the stuff and alert this time." I said this in my iciest tone, with full eye contact.

He looked a bit uneasy, then told me that I was not allowed by law to drive for another four weeks. He asked if I needed a refill on the pain meds and I said "No, I got off of that shit as quickly as I could. I still have at least thirty of them left and don't want any more."

He looked surprised, but then discussed my ankle and its treatment in a far more professional tone after that. I noticed that the nurse was trying not to grin behind him, and she was very warm and friendly to me after he left.

In Soviet America, medical professional gets it straight from YOU!
( Wanderer, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:08, Reply)

then you karate chopped your cast off your leg and walked out without a limp

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:16, Reply)

Needless to say...

(PsychoChomp, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:25, Reply)

drugs, supermodel etc. etc.

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Not quite
but I was able to move my foot more than he was expecting, and have been far more active than most. I went about a mile or so through a park on my crutches, though I had to stop and sit on benches a few times.

I refuse to let that smug bastard talk to me like that, is all. It was utterly unprofessional of him and thoroughly offensive.
( Wanderer, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:30, Reply)