Cock.
I've got a big craving for chicken so I'm going to cook some tonight although I don't know quite how yet. Tell me, what's your favourite thing to do with a bird?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:17, 89 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm having
pan fried chicken with home made pesto, pasta and grilled cherry tomatoes when I get home. Sounds poncier than it is. Although I do have a rather nomtastic jar of curry sauce in the cupboard which I could be quite tempted by...
(berk, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:20, Reply)

I like to impress her with innuendo,
like a child.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:21, Reply)

It's not working.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:23, Reply)

*strikethrough or and replace with an*
*cheesy smiley*
*reasurance that I was only joking*
*ask about your day*
(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:28, Reply)

You two should just fuck and get it over with.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:31, Reply)

No.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Ok then.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:32, Reply)

She'll never get over it.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Yeah, thats the reason.
*snorts*
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:38, Reply)

You could
cut out the middleman and just leave your impression on children, but I hear you can get arrested for that kind of thing.
(berk, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:24, Reply)

this is usually where Psychochomp writes
"child abuse isn't funny" and then we all roll our eyes.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Stop trying to be me.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:02, Reply)

but I love you and want to emulate you!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:03, Reply)

As I told you over gaz,
we can never be together. I'm sorry.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:04, Reply)

true dat
I forgot. I was going to hit up Vipros again wasn't I? I forgot about that too. Where is he?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:10, Reply)

He's dead

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:12, Reply)

*ticker tape parade*

(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:15, Reply)

punch them in the tits and then cover them in towels and then go and do laps on my BMX around the garden.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:23, Reply)

This sounds like me.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:29, Reply)

I sometimes burp into my hand then force old people to play 'Lick Dat Palm'

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:47, Reply)

This sounds less like me.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Spatchcock them

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Yes.
I can already bone a bird in less than five minutes, and I've wanted to learn to do this for ages. Good call.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Is that
what they do to them at Nandos? I always thought it made chickens vaguely resemble facehuggers...
(berk, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:33, Reply)

I just like some plain
roast chicken with salt and pepper. Legs and thighs are the cheapest. Have it 4 nights a week.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:31, Reply)

I tend to buy them whole and portion and bone them.
Massively economical that way.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Chicken fucker!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:33, Reply)

Doesn't that get a bit dull?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Jim is dull

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:39, Reply)

Yes, that too

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:04, Reply)

No, I really like chicken
I add different sauces post cooking.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Okay...
Take x number of chicken breasts (I like breasts) or thighs. Traditionally it should be thighs, but it depends if you can be arsed with all the bones or not.

Rub the chicken with lemon juice then roll chicken in plain flour. Shallow fry until the chicken is golden, then remove from the heat. Add 1 can of chopped tomatoes (or two, depending on how many bits of chicken you’re doing - or, use fresh if you can be bothered with the faff), a knob (pfft) of butter, a couple of chopped garlic cloves, one or two chicken stock cubes, and a generous splash of brandy. Season with salt and pepper.

Simmer for about an hour, stirring occasionally and letting the sauce reduce until it’s nice and thick. About ten minutes before the end, fry some button mushrooms in butter and add to the sauce. Then add a good handful of fresh, chopped parsley.

Can be served however the hell you want, with fresh veg, rice or pasta. I usually serve with veg, and ensure there’s enough made to have it with pasta for lunch the next day.

Fucking nom.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:32, Reply)

You were doing so well until you introduced the fungus.
That's not the first time I've said that.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:34, Reply)

You can miss out the mushrooms
And replace with onions if you like.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:35, Reply)

that sounds great
if only i could be arsed waiting an hour from starting cooking until i eat
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Honestly
It's fucking delicious and well worth the wait. The chicken gets really tenderised in the process so it practically melts in the mouth.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 12:24, Reply)

Apologies, but I'm going to briefly threadjack
Partly to better hide this as I fear l33t stalking skillz, but I have an embarrassing conundrum. And no, it doesn't relate to my cock.

I have a smelly student.

He came to my office yesterday and after he'd gone, the other guys in my office remarked upon his rather overpowering body odour. Clearly it wasn't just me that noticed. His hair is long, lank and greasy, his face gives some insight into what the early Earth looked like during its period of peak volcanic activity, his fingernails are like talons and his clothes seem to shimmer with the grease that fell off his hair after his hair ran out of room for more grease.

As I see it, there are five courses of action available to me.
1. Direct I say something to him. Somebody's got to, as he's clearly degenerated without his mother being present to nag him
2. Indirect I find out who his personal tutor is and raise my concern, asking to remain anonymous. This saves me some personal embarrassment, plus it might be better in the long run for said tutor to know
3. Inaction I say nothing, I do nothing, and just giggle about it with the other guys in my office, possibly setting up a sweepstake on the distance from which we can smell him
4. Direct and unsubtle We arm ourselves with cans of air freshener and douse him with the stuff when he next comes to the office
5. Direct and unhelpful I set him on fire

What should I do?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Set up a fake Facebook account
Then create a page declaring that student x is a massive smelly cunt. Simple. He'll either take heed and do something about his personal hygeine, or be so mortified that he kills himself out of shame.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Go for
2 first. If the next time you see him, he still mings, then say something.
(berk, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Promise to sleep with him if he cleans himself up.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Only if I can break that promise afterwards

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:37, Reply)

He might be a hottie underneath the grease

(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:39, Reply)

This is true
I've no idea how well he scrubs up...best to keep my options open, I suppose
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:39, Reply)

Choose 1.
I've had to do this twice with colleagues and employees in the past. It's bloody hard but if you're honest and straight, clinical and clear you might just get away with your nose intact.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:38, Reply)

But when you came to cornwall
we all refrained from pointing out you smelt like a dead dog in sewer after Tourette's had been out on Curry night
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I'll fucking kill Calvin Klein.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:41, Reply)

To be fair
the missus doesn't need to have had curry. Her farts are weapons grade anyway; the emissions were banned under the Geneva convention as being inhumane.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:44, Reply)

I added curry night
for people who hadn't survived witnessed it first hand. Or should that be nose
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:45, Reply)

A girl at work is horribly anorexic
Her biceps are now much thinner than my wrists. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be helping if I did say something, but it's so sad seeing her in the gym every single day.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Ask her out to dinner.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:11, Reply)

Way to spot a cheap date.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:20, Reply)

number 4
and then for shits and giggles, immediately number 5
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Bloody hell, that much aerosol spray on him,
he'll go up faster than an Essex girl's skirt...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:17, Reply)

dont be ridiculous
the only thing faster than that is light - and even then its a close race
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:30, Reply)

If you are serious about this,
Option 2. You may also want to get your pastoral care people involved as he obviously has issues.

Alternatively ask him if he is undertaking some form of social experiment and explain why you think he shouldn't.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 5 May 2010, 12:37, Reply)

hate to be the voice of doom
but definitely say something. It's quite possible that there's something wrong. By the time of university most students have figured out personal hygeine, and if they haven't then it might be a sympton of something more worrying.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:37, Reply)

Most students, yes
But this is an institution which only teaches science and engineering. You can imagine the sort of people it attracts.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 May 2010, 13:01, Reply)

this
Get some thighs, de-bone and put in a sealed foil parcel – no seasoning. Cook in a warm oven 130c for, oh I don’t know, 40mins.

Heat a pan with a smear of oil til it’s just about smoking, remove the chicken from the parcels and fry skin down til getting crisp, doesn’t take long.

Season, turn skin up and add the juices left in the foil parcels.

At this point you could add ,chilli sauce or balsamic vinegar and reduce down to a glaze on the chicken, or just let the juices reduce.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:35, Reply)

mmm chicken and bacon pasta in a ridiculously creamy sauce
Kinda of like here... www.greedygourmet.com/2010/02/13/chicken-ham-cheese-pasta/

But I normally sweat the onions down in the butter and garlic add the wine, reduce by half thrown in AN ENTIRE SMALL TUB OF CREME FRAICHE then loads of cheese to thicken then everything else. YOu can also substitute bacon for pancetta if you're feeling posh
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Oh. My. God.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:39, Reply)

your incorrect use of substitute offends me
you either mean substitute PANCETTA for BACON, or REPLACE Bacon WITH pancetta.

Unless you think that bacon is posher than pancetta.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:05, Reply)

I think your bacon is posher than you

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Alternatively
Smother chicken breasts in garlic and soft cheese, coat with breadcrumbs and bake them in the oven for about 30 - 40 minutes.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Take her out for dinner, take her home, fuck her up the arse,
Then roast in the oven for 90 minutes at 180c and serve with veggies.
( Peej, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:43, Reply)

If you like pineapple
Chicken tastes delicious when cooked in pineapple juice.
(Mrs Ballunatic counting calories, not votes., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Hmmm.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:46, Reply)

OH GOD NO!!!
pineapple is fucking evil. Just the smell of the vile stuff kicks my gag reflex into spasm.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:49, Reply)

There's a thread about gagging below.
I personally lurve the pineapple!
(Mrs Ballunatic counting calories, not votes., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Really, really cannot get past the smell of it.
I once took a bite of pizza that I didn't realise had pineapple in it. I thought I was going to puke.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Oh I hate it when an ingredient I can't stand is hidden in something
Such as an olive, blegh!
(Mrs Ballunatic counting calories, not votes., Wed 5 May 2010, 12:05, Reply)

olives, mushrooms and anchovies
and parsnips are on my list of things never to be eaten ever.

similar to DG, i had a pizza experience with both mushrooms and olives - bloody crap domino's and their inability to keep half-and-halfs separate
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Are you too fat to look at your food before eating?
Or too stupid to know what olives and mushrooms look like?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Ooh no, those buggers get hidden under cheese and the like

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:25, Reply)

i'm by no means "fat"
a little tubby perhaps.

but indeed, the mushrooms and olives were sliced, and cunningly hidden under the chicken and pepperoni on my half of the pizza
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:29, Reply)

You disgust me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:58, Reply)

COCK FLAVOUR SOUP

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:47, Reply)

You like a bit of cock, eh Gary?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:49, Reply)

You seen that Cock flavour soup in Asda though, Guv?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:55, Reply)

*Nods sagely*
There's even cock flavoured breaky cereal. I'm assuming that's why there's a picture of one on the packet, anyway.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 5 May 2010, 11:57, Reply)

This actually says
COCK flavour soup
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Feathers Trotters and Fins
This might be a little experimental (and Danish), please bear with me.

Take a chicken breast and hollow it out using a filleting knife.

Stuff the chicken breast with cooked fish (I prefer cod but am sure people could use whatever they like)

Wrap chicken breast in ham (like Parma)

Cook in an oven

Drizzle with sauce of choice (I like mushroom)

It's a real taste sensation as you get fish, fowl and fauna in the same mouthful.
(JohntheDane, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:53, Reply)

That is odd
although I've done the same thing substituting the fish with some blue cheese so I guess it's not all that strange.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:55, Reply)

YOUR FACE IS STRANGE

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 11:58, Reply)

And it's your fault.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:05, Reply)

By having such a non strange face?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:10, Reply)

When someone asks you to sit on their face, that's not what they mean and you know it.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:18, Reply)

odd indeed
my missus tried some when we were in Denmark a few years ago, was quite confused by it. Didn't stop her eating it all though
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:16, Reply)

..................^
minge
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Chicken minge

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 5 May 2010, 12:26, Reply)