I took pity on a friend on Saturday night who had taken too many drugs
and let him pass out in my bed. He vomited all over it. And into my wicker basket.

What's the worst thing that's happened to you at a party?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:22, 225 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Obligatory
LiC reply here
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:23, Reply)

Yes
Or non-alcoholic beers by mistake.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:24, Reply)

that was a mistake?
I assumed someone was teetotal or something.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Teetotal?
We'll, he was moaning all eve because he had not alcohol to drink.

I'm sorry about your bed. I hope he cleaned it.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:27, Reply)

he did not
He was too out of it. His friends carried him home and I wanted to sleep at some point so I yanked the duvet and sheet of an bunged them in the wash.

Teetotal means to not drink anything at all ever. Recovering alcoholics are usually teetotal.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Poor bloke
wasn't there supposed to be a sharpie amnesty before the party?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Supposed to be, aye
But that would have denied us the joy of meeting cockneck
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:27, Reply)

snogged a ginger....

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Remind me not to shake your hand at Soni
You might still be carrying
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:31, Reply)

it's ok, I've been tested and I'm in the clear

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:34, Reply)

How exactly do they test for Gingervitus?
Hope it's more pleasant than this... b3ta.turb0t.net/questions/matron/post663136
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:36, Reply)

they basically checked to see if I had any real friends and particularly, a girlfriend
when they found that I did they concluded that I can't be affected by ginger

;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:47, Reply)

A very good answer
And presumably your arse remains unviolated
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:50, Reply)

it does indeed
which is more than can be said of yours
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:54, Reply)

At least mine was violated in a medical facility. With a swab. Swabs are thin
Could have been much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much worse
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Woke up next to my ex

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:28, Reply)

haha done that.
Not your ex obviously. Well...maybe
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I'm trying to think of a response that won't add more fuel to the "DF is a bumder" fires
The time I threw up whilst fully clothed in a mate's swimming pool when I was 18 was pretty bad
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:32, Reply)

haha, you bumder

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Genius
*golf clap*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:35, Reply)

This mate of yours
Wasn't a TV presenter, was he?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:36, Reply)

I heard he had limper wrists than you.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:37, Reply)

More limp than Heather Mills

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Two frankly genius responses in a row
Al's post looks forlorn and shite in the middle of your magnificent humour sandwich
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:42, Reply)

You're very kind
(So kind I shall resist the temptation to post the obvious "gnificent humour n" strikethrough.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Um
Your definition of "resist" is clearly different from mine. You must be very popular at Rohypnol parties
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Rohypnol parties?
I'm not sure I want to go to an evening social after which I wake up under a broken chair with no memory and a sore arse, only for the taxi driver to then tell me some sod's drawn a cock on my neck...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Indeed
What's worse - waking up with less money than you think you should have, and a sore head... or waking up with much more money than you expected, and a sore arse?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Oh, it's all very well smiling to yourself when you've turned a pecuniary profit
Until you realise you've ended up with AIDS.

EDIT: That really did sound like you were extolling the benefits you were reaping as some sort of rent boy
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:59, Reply)

I was trying to suggest that there are worse things than hangovers...
Hangovers fade given enough time and bacon. AIDS, not so much
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:08, Reply)

True, it does have a habit of sticking around
Like one of those guests that just doesn't quite get the hint that they've outstayed their welcome.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Had that problem last night
Mate of mine was over for the football, and ended up staying throughout both matches even though his antihystemines meant he was a dopey tool and no fun at all.

But in all fairness, AIDS doesn't bring you beer or order you pizza, so the comparison is a mite harsh
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:21, Reply)

This is the problem
You're being too soft with them. You've got to tell them they're as bad as AIDS, it's the only language the bastards understand.

(Though it might be a little over the top as they plead,
"Sorry mate, I just wanted to watch the second match..."
as you scream
"NO! GET OUT! YOU'RE AS BAD AS AIDS BEING SPREAD BY A PAEDO-HITLER!")
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:26, Reply)

It's a good job I throw parties so infrequently owing to laziness
or a future QOTW may be treated to a story involving those very words
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:28, Reply)

Haha

/stuartlubbocklolz
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:42, Reply)

LOLZORS
It's funny 'cause they suspect he drowned whilst being bummed in a swimming pool or something like that.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:47, Reply)

WITH A FUCKING CHAIRLEG.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Some lad asked me if he could borrow 50p
So I gave him 50p and then he shoved me against the wall and started snogging me, and nearly everyone else were scallies so I was well scared.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:32, Reply)

Oh great
way to bring the mood down with your gritty tales of living in scouseland.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Mine was in Ramsgate
the scouseland of Kent
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:36, Reply)

I had a friend from Kingsgate

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:39, Reply)

I've got a front gate

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:43, Reply)

But I bet you use the back gate more.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

you'd be wrong
particularly as my bike is broken I have no need to use the back gate. Except to put the rubbish out.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:50, Reply)

What's wrong with your bike?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:50, Reply)

I suspect that the main thing that is wrong with it is that it is cheap and shit
the problem that stops me riding it is that the spindle that goes through the rear hub sheared apart.

it also could do with much less knobbly tyres and some work on the brakes.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:53, Reply)

A new rear spindle shouldn't set you back much
and if you never ride off road it's well worth investing in some slick tyres, you'd be amazed at the difference it will make.

Try www.wiggle.co.uk or www.ribblecycles.co.uk
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

that's what I thought. I should take care of it really
having a working bike would have been very useful over the last couple of weeks.

add to that the fact that I am fitter than ever before, and it becomes even more sensible to get it working.

edit: I was thinking of getting some hybrid tyres as I do go off road very occasionally, but mainly would be on roads

also, I have no idea where to look for a spindle on those sites and I think I might have lost some of the balls from the bearing
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

Do you know the make of the hub?

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:02, Reply)

I do not
interestingly though, while searching for the bike online I found that someone else had exactly the same problem.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:05, Reply)

It's fairly common
If you have Hope hubs with a bolt through then they do seem to snap axles.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:08, Reply)

doesn't help that I'm a big bugger and tend to jump off things
I will get my bike out tonight and investigate it I think.

what category of parts should I be looking at on bike websites to find a replacement axle?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:11, Reply)

Hub spares
www.chainreactioncycles.co.uk
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

If you've lost ball bearings it sounds like the whole hub might be fucked,
in which case it might well be easier to buy a whole new wheel. Take it to a bike shop and ask them what they would do.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

that's probably the sensible option
as I am a complete biffer when it comes to the workings of a bike, beyond the most minor adjustments to the brakes.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:14, Reply)

Make sure it's a good bike shop and not halfords
Somewhere where the bloke running it wears greasy overalls and has lots of bits of bikes lying around. If it's really clean then they'll just try and sell you a new hub.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:18, Reply)

fortunately there's a place about 2 minutes walk from my house which has an excellent reputation
I haven't the foggiest how much this is likely to cost me, what sort of ball park should I be expecting would you say?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:22, Reply)

A new spindle I would think around 20 quid ish
if you need a new wheel then around 50-60 would be reasonable, obviously you can spend hundreds on a wheel, but for what you want more than 50 quid and it's probably not worth putting something that good on a shit bike.

Edit - looks like £50 is the very bottom end of a new MTB wheel, so if you look at up to £70 as your cut off point.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:34, Reply)

let's hope I don't need a new wheel then, as I don't have a spare £50 for my bike
particularly as the whole thing only cost me £180
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:43, Reply)

That's the thing about cheap bikes
any repairs appear massively disproportionate to the cost of a new machine. Of course the new machine would suffer from exactly the same problems. Can you get on the Cycle to Work scheme at your job?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:45, Reply)

we do have the cycle to work scheme
but even with that I can't really afford a new bike. fairly hard up at the moment even without saving for the wedding.

I'm going to take stock of what is up with my bike tonight and then see about sorting it. I suspect the wheel and hub are ok. might just need to get a few new balls for the bearing, and a new axle, then straighten things a bit.

new tyres can wait!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:48, Reply)

If you bought a £400 bike on the ride to work scheme
It'll cost you something like £15 a month. And a £400 bike ought to last you years and be pretty good to commute on.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:50, Reply)

what I find particularly galling is that they started the cycle to work scheme here
about a month after I bought a bike.

£15 a month does sound quite reasonable. I'll check out what might need doing with the current bike first though, because it's not actually as shit as I make out.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:53, Reply)

What's wrong with asking Roota to boost one for you?

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:04, Reply)

travel costs to get it from her
plus the cost of new wheels for my car to replace the ones stolen when I park it outside her place.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:13, Reply)

Not as much as you

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Shut it you.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

I've got a side gate but it's held shut with screws and cable ties or it would fall over.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:49, Reply)

I have a side gate and only use the back gate when the landlady is away

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:52, Reply)

have a side gate am a filthy slag
only let DJTP
landlady is away when I'm attracting bears.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Pffft!
Attracting bears is the best phrase I've ever heard!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

It is like...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

It's my favourite, and comes from a quote from Anchor Man
Brick Tamland: I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

"I love lamp"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:06, Reply)

I've spent the last 10 mins or so
Giggling while reading Anchorman quotes. I love that film!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Eh you
I don't think so!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

You don't 'think' so?
Maybe lay off the scotch a bit, hmm?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:01, Reply)

But he's so moreish

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Then it's only polite to let him 'round back
When you're in such a state.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:05, Reply)

I'd give that lil scamp the World
But I don't fancy the effect a good bumming would have on my arld Belindas
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:11, Reply)

He'll have to just gently hold them to one side.
Blood acts as a lubricant, so I guess that's a plus.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

You are going to hell

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:15, Reply)

:(

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Your what now?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Belinda Carlisles, lil Apple

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:17, Reply)

I fucking love Belinda Carlisle

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:22, Reply)

You chop yourself in the neck with Mrs Al in an attempt to sing like her

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Not these ones you don't

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:28, Reply)

I'm over it
It's funny now.
LAUGH!!!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Faceraped by a fifteen year old boy

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:33, Reply)

Snap! See above.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:34, Reply)

You are me
AICMFP
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:35, Reply)

backed my friends car over a railroad tie and got it stuck, a load of grumbly men had to come pick it up to get it over it
I hadn't had anything to drink
and everyone at the party came outside out to watch the mayhem
*remembers vividly*
*dies of embarrassment again*
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I put my keys down at a party once and my friend moved my car around the corner
I was pretty mad.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:43, Reply)

I had a rental once, pretty expensive truck, I had my key fob of my old car and the rental on my key ring
spent half hour pressing the wrong button and freaking out
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

oh, guess I should add this is in the middle of the night in a field lined with trucks
the party later got busted by the state boys
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:02, Reply)

That's the kind of thing I do.
When I was a kid, my dad was given a rental car and I was walking up the driveway when the lights on the car started flashing. I walked over to the car and they stopped. So I started to turn away when they did it again. I thought it was some kind of motion sensor so I was waving my arms at the car trying to get it to flash again. Turns out the car had this new fangled technology called remote locking and my dad was watching through the living room window and pressing the fob. Bastard.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:02, Reply)

my dad would do something like that

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:20, Reply)

Driving back from a party...
...and having my dad's Facebook ineptitude read out in the car.

Truly the worst party experience of my life so far.

*cries*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Hahahahahahahahaahhaahahahhaahhahahahhahaahahahahhaahhahahahahahaha!
Ha.

I love your dad. He is all of the wrong.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

He should NEVER be allowed near a PC
Or anything else for that matter.

*cringes*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:03, Reply)

Anything you'd care to share with the rest of the class?
(I'm not on facebook and this sounds amusing)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:04, Reply)

I'll let chickenlady do this
It's far too raw for me to elaborate on right now.

BTW - nice to meet you finally, Mr Crow.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Nice to meet you too, Mr...erm...M.
I look forward to your missus' elaborations.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

PJM's dad had evidently been perving over my friends list
and had come to a halt at Madam Marlboro....Then at some point later (Saturday night) he experienced a problem logging on to FB.

The problem being situated between the PC terminal and the chair.

So in his rage he fired off a message to FB which goes as follows...
Sirs
Why is there still a problem getting on to facebook. You have my new address & my response to your e-mail. That was over two weeks back & I still an informed there is a problem with logging in. CAN WE PLEASE!!! GET IT SORTED? THERE IS NOT A PROBLEM. Its You. Are you in the right job??? I just want to log on.
Regrds

PJM's dad

All of this would be slightly cringeworthy but nothing worse than many of us have considered at some time. However, he did not go to the Help page, no. Instead he posted this as a comment to a status update of MM's which I had liked - which is presumably how he found it.

The wonderful MM replied to him:-
Dear PJM's dad,
I'm sorry to hear that you are unhappy with the level of service offered here at facebook; however I regret to inform you that we have recieved no correspondance from yourself-could this be a problem at your end? Whilst we are in possession of your new address it is difficult for us to anticipate what you would have us do with this information. Perhaps if you could re-send the email we may be able to assist you.
Best.

She's brilliant.

And Noel and I almost wet ourselves in the car on Sunday driving home while PJM cried quietly.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:17, Reply)

*wipes away tears running viscous with concentrate of mirth*
His Dad's original mistake was brilliant in itself, but MM's gloriously deadpan response makes it absolutely sublime.

(Sorry, PJM, you're probably embarrassed enough as it is right now...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:23, Reply)

I think PJM should post this for this week's qotw
As he's never finished teaching his dad how to use the internets.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:24, Reply)

I promise to click it as many times as I can
If he is brave enough to do so.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:31, Reply)

I might do this...
...but I'd never, ever show my face at another bash or post anything on the internet again, ever.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:51, Reply)

Go on!
Post it. It's hilarious.

And best of all it wasn't my mother.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:56, Reply)

Christ, where to start....
1) badly sprained both thumbs in an ill-advised breakdance venture
2) was caught getting a nosh off the girl whose party is was, by her father
3) drank so, so much more than was safe (at one point I shotgunned a Kestrel Super) I ended up on the lawn, chin on edge of lawn, spewing bile and bits of stomach lining into the flower beds until the morning when my pal's mother came outside, put a blanket over me and a cup of tea by my side, and then went back indoors again, saying nothing, but smiling in a 'you poor idiot' way
4) turked my best friend, causing massive ructions - she loved me and I wasn't really aware of this - she was also fucking fat (but did deal in LSD so hey)
5) worst of all: failed to turk one of the most stunning women I have ever seen. I was offered it on a plate but declined as I was hallucinating so heavily. Only in the morning did I realise how badly I fucked up. She was stunning. I was only 15 mind you.

NB these were different parties.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:49, Reply)

It probably says a lot about me
that the first question it springs to mind to ask is what move you were attempting in 1)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

I cannot recall
some kind of footwork.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

FOOTwork?!
Which leads me to an obvious thumb-related question...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Footwork can still require hand/floor contact

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Appreciated
But... oh fuck it, breakdancing is one of the few forms of dance I have never tried my hand at, I'm just going to take your word for it. But the mental image is much more bizarre than it need be
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

good job you added that NB
that would've been one hell of a party
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Oh why did you ruin it with the last line
I was imagining this to be the greatest party ever.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

lolling at number 1 here

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Not good! Sorry to hear about your bed.
That's why I have the rule that if they vom, nearly vom or pass out, they sleep in the bathroom.

Either stripping to my knickers and jumping in the pool at a mate's 16th, getting by tits right out in front of everyone at another mate's 18th (both done completely sober) or getting whipped with a wet tea towel to the point of it leaving horrible red welts on by back for days after.
Actually, they were all really good parties. Worst party experience, being woken up at six in the morning with a tremendous hangover by the hostess of the party putting the hairspray soundtrack on at full volume so we'd all get up and help her clean before her parents got home.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:50, Reply)

I should have put him in the bath
Another friend had drunk too much, but in contrast he calmly said "I'm going to throw up", then took his shoes off before going inside the house and throwing up delicately inside the loo, before wiping it down and flushing it. Gentlemanly.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:04, Reply)

How polite of him.
Why can't more people be like this?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

that's what I thought!
if he hadn't said anything I never would have noticed. The bed-vomiter, however, made my room stink of regurgitated peppers. Ick.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

I can deal with any bodily fluid besides vomit
So the thought of this makes me do a sadface.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Most of it was contained in the base of the wicker basket
it looked like multicoloured pepper soup. My friend mopped up the spillages and I balled the sheet up and threw it in the washing machine so minimal contact was had with the actual vomit itself. I don't like dealing with other people's bodily fluids.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:36, Reply)

I don't announce first
But I leave no evidence. I'm a vomit ninja.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:12, Reply)

one of my friends drinks red wine,
throws it up and then denies it. Red wine vom is very distinctive smelling.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Oh yes.
And snakebite and black stains carpets purple...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:15, Reply)

I have a friend who drank sloe gin and red wine at his colleague's housewarming party.
they had to repaint the wallpaper in the hallway and get a new carpet. Both were originally cream.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:36, Reply)

Plummeted face first
in to the pavement, breaking my nose. I found this hilarious, although it must be said not as hilarious as my mother did, who was stood nearby at the time and laughed so hard she practically wet herself.


EDIT - came in after a night out pissed once, had a quick wee and then wandered in to the front room shedding clothes en route (as I am prone to do when drunk) forgetting somehow between the front door and the lounge that I'd invited some mates over and they were all sat on the sofa staring as I staggered in naked. I'm such a classy bird, me.
(berk, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Reading your edit
I now have doubts about your real reason for sneaking off early the other night...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Pfft
I'll have you know I was very well behaved. For that kind of debauchery (or possibly forgetfulness) you have to have got me drunk, gosh...I don't know. Maybe three or even four times?
(berk, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:05, Reply)

please come to more bashes
at least three or four.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)

You're going to Soni, right?
Let me know where you pitch your tent :-)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:04, Reply)

Indeed, and although tempted as I now am
to go festival streaking, it's really, really much better for all concerned if I don't. I would definitely be game for meeting up and drinking some warm strongbow or something though.
(berk, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:08, Reply)

But if you go streaking
It will surely help the rest of them to 'pitch tents'...?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Are you suggesting that we attempt to hammer in tent pegs using our erect phalluses?
Ouch
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:14, Reply)

I hate to think
what the sight of my pasty body wobbling full speed through the murk would do to the tender brains of the drunk, high and hallucinating. I'd probably scar whole generations of festival-goers for life.
(berk, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:15, Reply)

If you think a naked woman is the most unpleasant thing a festival-goer can see
you clearly havent used a toilet on Monday morning at Glastonbury
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:18, Reply)

No I haven't
but this is mostly because I've never been to Glastonbury. I assume the principle is the same at other festivals, but I have never braved the toilets later than sunday night: Superman has nothing on the clenching powers of my bowels when confronted with a choice of portaloo or waiting til I get home.
(berk, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:26, Reply)

Glastonbury have blocks of toilets which all empty into one trough several feet below
if you peer into the bowl as you pee (male, obv) you can see, and smell, most vividly, a swamp composed entirely of what over a hundred thousand festival-goers sphincters have rejected.

Glasses wearers are advised not to indulge
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

The long drops?
Yeah. Leeds has them too, although Reading doesn't, strangely. Or at least not that I ever found. I have had the dubious pleasure of hearing, whilst gingerly and hoveringly evacuating my bladder, a horror-struck wail of 'Nooooooomyfuckingphooooooone' followed by a small 'splish' and lots of sniggering. Bleurgh. I can only hope its owner decided to leave it as a sacrifice to the faecal gods and didn't attempt to retrieve it.

At least they don't smell as bad as the portaloos.
(berk, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

That is possibly the funniest festival anecdote I've ever heard
and it has strengthened my resolve to buy a neck strap before Sonisphere
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:50, Reply)

Clearly you've never heard the story of Leeds 09 Poo Girl.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:55, Reply)

*Sits comfortably, grabs popcorn*
Go ahead :-)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:56, Reply)

It's minging
Even if my wallet had a hundred pounds in it nothing would make me reach in to get it back.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)

incidentally
did you see the videos of Mud man from Glasto last year?

that was my old dealer.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)

you are going to be blown away by this one then
www.b3ta.com/questions/festivals/post440244
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:56, Reply)

You can keep yer filthy cider
But in principle that sounds spiffing. Friend me or summat
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:15, Reply)

my first boyfriend got really drunk and when he got in he threw up in the hallway.
He said that for some reason he didn't want to get vomit on his clothes so he took them all off before starting to clean up the mess, whereupon his father came down and found him naked, on all fours, scrubbing the carpet.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Puke doesn't bother me much. Never has.
As a result of which I am the Nominated Household Puke Cleaner Upperer.
And I always do so wearing as little as possible. Then go in the shower.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:13, Reply)

being forced by a baying pack of jackals
to impersonate Andy Parsons over and over again.

And when I cried Enough! they beat me unconscious and put their fingers in my mouth.

Of course I had to piece this together after the fact from scraps of evidence.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:02, Reply)

this is shameless plugging but
feel free to do something terribly amusing for the rest of us here in August

b3ta.com/calendar/event/22503
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:03, Reply)

Oooh!
Not far from where my folks live.

I could pop over theirs and confiscate my father's keyboard too.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:06, Reply)

there you go then
2 birds one cup stone
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Well, I've signed up.

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:21, Reply)

marvellous
is Henry coming too?
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:27, Reply)

I'll make him drive
Just so I can read Facebook and see what horrors his dad has been up to.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:37, Reply)

Went to a party once with a bunch of friends
and some of their friends. Ended up with everybody half naked, men and women. Nothing happened, but nobody could quite meet anyone's eye the following day.
( Kroney, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:06, Reply)

I went to a party at the local county jail...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:18, Reply)

The prison band were there, and they began to wail...?

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:19, Reply)

Wrong song...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Oh.
Well, that took the wind out of my sails
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:29, Reply)

I was right there with you in the wrong, if it helps

EDIT: Christ that sounds dicey
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:31, Reply)

in the up your + 'un
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:34, Reply)

Still not got it?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:33, Reply)

As soon as I hear county jail all other songs than Jailhouse Rock are hustled violently towards the exit door of my brain

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:35, Reply)

I'm now picturing you in the jailhouse having your exit door violently hustled

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:37, Reply)

COR!
I may now have to lie down in a darkened room.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

That must be all the more horrific for you now that you've seen pics of me
I'm so sorry
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:39, Reply)

Well, that or 'Riot in Cell Block #9'
but that's even less likely.

In short, I give up.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:37, Reply)

Rubber Bullets by 10CC

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:40, Reply)

Ah. Not one I know, I must admit.

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:41, Reply)

Jailhouse Rock
actually opens with 'The warden threw a party in the county jail'.

This is not commonly known.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:37, Reply)

Yes!
Thank you Monty, that's been bugging me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

I knew it though

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

I think it's common amongst people that actually know the song.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:40, Reply)

Two examples of that not being so can be found
not very far away from this post ^ that-a-way
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:42, Reply)

I did know this (My band used to open with it, in fact)
But it's the only well-known song I could think of with 'county jail' in the first line that I could think of. And no doubt Roota is about to tell me it's some blindingly obvious song I've completely forgotten about.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:41, Reply)

It has some of the gayest lyrics of any song EVER.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:43, Reply)

I know
They're all getting it on
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:44, Reply)

Which makes the line
"If you can't find a partner, use a wooden chair," frankly quite unnerving...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:53, Reply)

LUBBOCKLOLZ Pt.2

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:01, Reply)

I haven't done many stupid things
I'm very sensible and shy. However, I only need some alcohol and a bit of encouragment to end up singing and dancing for everybody. I usually feel too embarrased next day to talk to anyone.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:28, Reply)

You managed to get me to dance
In a manner other than my usual "emergency Charleston." I don't think you fully appreciate how much of an achievement that really is.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

And you weren't even drunk by then
You did it very well, though, I don't know why you said you couldn't.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:32, Reply)

I'm sorry Crowsephine
but we have to assume that you're having impure thoughts. Men who don't dance at parties don't dance at parties for a reason. Flaunting this rule implies MINDFILTH
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:32, Reply)

They don't dance because the don't like dancing?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:36, Reply)

Don't like it or simply can't
Most men can't dance. The ones who are aware of this are vastly preferable to the alternative, who sadly outnumber them
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

I disagree
All of my male friends in Tenerife can dance, not in a professional way, but they can all follow the music and turn you a couple of times. It's not difficult.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:42, Reply)

There are several significant differences between a Tenerife nightclub and its Norwich counterpart, it would appear
I'll revise; most ENGLISH men can't dance
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:48, Reply)

Mmmm...
Maybe...

Mark's friends always laugh at how he dances, so he stop doing it, unless he's super drunk. However, I really like it. Ok, he's difficult to follow, with his arms going everywhere (he's just like The Doctor in this last chapter) but he puts so much feeling on it!

Last time we went to Tenerife, everybody made a circle around him and cheered him up. He received compliments from everybody and has never been more happy. I think we understand different things for "good dancing"
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:01, Reply)

They can dance if they want to
they can leave all their friends behind
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

Exactly
If they think they're going to get something, they all dance. Not in Tenerife, though, there everybody dances just for fun, and if you get something afterwards, better.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:41, Reply)

Good point Kitty
Unless their friends want to dance, and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:43, Reply)

'Cause their friends don't dance and if they don't dance Well they're no friends of mine

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:54, Reply)

DAMN
Lyrics fail
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)

There was a dwarf in the video.

The End.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:05, Reply)

there was a dwarf in R Kelly's video film thing
well, he was a midget.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Midget...
Midget...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Are you the one in the dusky shirt?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:33, Reply)

Probably
Not being a facebook type I haven't seen the pictures yet, but a tall dark-haired feller in a dusky red shirt dancing with Aberracion is probably me, yes. I'll verify when someone gets them up on Flickr.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:35, Reply)

You look like this lad Alan who has a lump on his forehead, but without the lumpy forehead.
So that's nice for you.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:37, Reply)

Isn't it just?
I'm quite glad I don't have a lumpy forehead though. And I suppose that will help you to distinguish in future between me and this lad Alan.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:46, Reply)

I don't think he washes his hair as much as you either
So I'm assuming identification would be a piece of cake.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:48, Reply)

...because there would be cake in his hair where he hadn't washed it out...?

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:54, Reply)

Oh spiffing

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:54, Reply)

He looks a lot like my sisters boyfriend

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:47, Reply)

Is he called Alan?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:49, Reply)

And a lot like someone approaching 30, I'm told...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:49, Reply)

I just can't believe you're such a young 'un

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:59, Reply)

I'm not *that* young
I'm 24. Nearly 25*, in fact. But apparently you nearly wept with laughter when Lampito told you this.

*EDIT: Physically, anyway. I maintain I was born middle-aged, so my brain must be getting on for retirement by now
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:01, Reply)

I didn't know your age
but I had you down as under 25.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:07, Reply)

I didn't find it quite that funny
but I just assumed you were the same age as me.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:09, Reply)

I went to this one party
And it was fucking sweltering. People were practically passing out from heat exhaustion, and this one swaggering twat just kept pointing out how hot it was, over and over again.
If that wasn't annoying enough, he then got right creepy and started trying to get people to strip, all the while 'dancing' like Michael J Fox in a washing machine and molesting women.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:31, Reply)

You went to a party with Rapeychomp?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:32, Reply)

Yeah, no one had invited him either.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:33, Reply)

Nice
Sounds like the perfect party. Did you put something on his drink to make him quiet?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:34, Reply)

Despite what my face might imply
I am not a date-rapist ;)
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:34, Reply)

You didn't have to go all the way to rape
Just enough to get him stunned.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:37, Reply)

If I were to purchase rohypnol
I would want to get my money's worth.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:38, Reply)

Is that the drug the take in the hangover?
I watched that film yesterday and it's hilarious.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:43, Reply)

Yes, or at least they take the American-named equivalent
And yes, that film is hilarious!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:44, Reply)

Yeah, fuck wasting all that money on the 'date' bit, eh?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 15:47, Reply)

I am gutted to admit
that I was once 'that guy' at a party - who drank too much, got all aggressive and squared up to some other jerk before stubbornly getting ejected from the party with the host pretty much in tears. I was angry, red-faced, sweary, drunk, clumsy, all the worst things that a party needs.

Ohhhh how I cringe. I stopped drinking for 6 months after that. Mind you I was 17 and a complete cunt. Wish I could go back in time and sort young McCool out.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:07, Reply)