suicides. heaven or not?
assuming heaven exists I was under the impression suicide negated entry. at adams funeral today who was a suicide the priest was banging on about his entry to heaven. When did C of E go all pc?

alt q. if you were gonna top yourself, how?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 18:27, 118 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dog sex
To both questions
( Theoban What of it, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 18:33, Reply)

I have no idea. I've heard it's the worst sin, etc. I believe you'd still go to heaven if you've asked for forgiveness, etc
lets see....probably drowning
I'd look my absolute best, do my make up and hair, wear a beautiful gown and fabulous shoes. Take a picture of myself and write a note.
I'd have a wonderful meal and drink lots of wine and smoke tons of cigarettes.
Then take a bottle down to the ocean at night and then walk in.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 18:43, Reply)

shoot myself in the head or jump off a tall building

( weaver., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 18:47, Reply)

Do both
now
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 19:47, Reply)

no gun, no tall building near me
otherwise i'd have done it long ago
( weaver., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:04, Reply)

Awwwww.....!
*hugs*

Chin up fella, get yourself some cake, a cup of tea and a little bit of PERSPECTIVE, YOU FUCKING GAY-ARSE BUM RIMMING EMO HOMOSEXUAL
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:16, Reply)

*huggywuggysnuggles*
*applies bacon, tea and cakes*
( weaver., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:41, Reply)

As my grand dad alway said "By being shot by a jelous husband".
I reckon morphine overdose.

You seen that film What Dreams May Come, that's the closest to what I recon happens, just 'cus I like that story, and any story is just as good as another.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 18:48, Reply)

Gonz's soundtrack of the evening.
SUSHI SUSHI SUSHI ! DOYA DOYA DOYA !!!! (ruby)
Oh my god I can't believe it, I've never wanted sushi so much before. (donno origional)
Sushi ! ahhh-haaa, sushi of the sushi ! (flash)
One o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock SUHSI
When a maaaan loves a sushi !

HURRY UP PEOPLE, I'M WAITING FOR SUSHI WITH LOVELY PEOPLE !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 18:52, Reply)

Aaaaaand I'm OUTTA HERE
L8erz Potatoaz
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 18:55, Reply)

Oh fuck yeah.
Every time I have an operation or procedure, they have to dose me up with Diamorphine. I'm no addict in any way, shape or form, but that is such a wonderful feeling.
So, death by Morphine for me too, please. Fuck anything that hurts, I'm too much of a pussy.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 19:45, Reply)

Like getting a hug from your favorite childhood toy SLASH hot water bottle, while your loved one tells you that it's all OK, and just for a moment, you believe them.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 22:20, Reply)

Oh', and it ain't pussy not wanting to be in pain, and it ain't hard living through it unnessersarly.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 22:48, Reply)

Blimey
A nice, caring reply there.
You feeling ok?
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 8:22, Reply)

Shoot three people
lead the rozzers on a merry dance in the English countryside for a week then blow my brains out live on national TV.

I'd get Facebook pages and everything.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 15 Jul 2010, 18:57, Reply)

Put on a long white floaty dress and sit in a bath of warm water and slit my wrists.
There just seems to be something romantic about dying that way.
( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 19:29, Reply)

no idea on the religion question, but as an atheist, i'm not bothered either
if i was going to top myself, i'd do a bit of research. I'd want to find a very secluded spot, with poor visibilty, where a car could be parked for a few days or weeks without being spotted. Then I'd take a bottle of booze and do the hosepipe on the exhaust trick
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 19:33, Reply)

heroin or insulin overdose
Both meant to be fairly painless. Either that or get smashed and jump off a 10+ storey building.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 19:40, Reply)

Not sure about the insulin OD
Fitting as you go hypoglacaemic doesn't sound much fun.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:51, Reply)

a nurse once told me it was the best way to go
she said with the right amount you'd just slip into a coma and die. Mind you, she was a raging alcoholic and pretty mental, so what would she know?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:55, Reply)

There is no heaven or hell
they're just lies your parents tell you to make you behave when you're young and stupid.

If I ever gather the courage to end my own futile existence, it will either be in an all-out blaze of glory, taking many other people with me in a variety of increasingly absurd ways (i.e. trebuchet, explosive Pinata or blenderlegs), or it will be a nice relaxing bubblebath, with a nice bottle of Cliquot, candles, and a toaster
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 19:47, Reply)

Bubblebath? candles?
gay
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 19:53, Reply)

why kill anyone else? I'd think a blaze of glory would be more of a "set my car on fire and drive it off the grand canyon"

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 19:57, Reply)

"where I land on a massive pile of fireworks and tnt and it becomes and even grander canyon"

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:07, Reply)

So many people deserve it, Kristine
people who claim to care, but have absolutely no regard for others
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:19, Reply)

jeepers, if I killed everyone that didn't really care about me there'd be a big pile of bodies
mmmmmmmbodiessssss
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:23, Reply)

I don't really care about you

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:25, Reply)

I'm not going to kill you because of it!

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:27, Reply)

I might

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:39, Reply)

I'll lay flowers on your grave

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:41, Reply)

oh no, I meant I might kill you

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:42, Reply)

if I die young, bury me in satin, lay me on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:11, Reply)

when I die, bury me
hang my balls on a cherry tree,
when they're ripe, take a bite
but don't blame me if you're sick all night
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:13, Reply)

That doesn't really have anything to do with political correctness, does it?

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:05, Reply)

Of course it does.
And Elf and safety. You couldn't make it up.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:25, Reply)

point is moot
as there is no such thing as heaven or hell.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:14, Reply)

I think you're wrong there, SSG
I imagine being hugged by a big, bearish man like yourself would be pretty heavenly, but I can also picture hell being akin to waking up to find you tickling my balls with your beard
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:23, Reply)

by heck!

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:57, Reply)

It's a sin to Catholics.
I don't think it's a sin to Protestants. Which is what the C of E comes under.
But it did used to be a crime in Britain. Punishable by death.

Alt: Injection of T Virus. For getting back up bitey funtime.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:21, Reply)

*Smoke bomb*

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:37, Reply)

Now that, autisms,
That up there, that WAS cuntish trolling.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:39, Reply)

I can see that
and I may have to get really wound up in a minute and put you right back in your place
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:41, Reply)

I'm a bad man Bert.
But they've got to be taught.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:46, Reply)

Tell me about it
I spend most days on here trying to show them all what a bunch of pathetic, whiney little spastics they all are, but they never listen.

Poppet's off limits though, kid's got a heart of gold, and if there's one person that I'll white-knight for, it'd be her.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:52, Reply)

Meh, I've got no sacred cows.
But there is a line I don't cross.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:55, Reply)

there's no point in ahving lines, you big girl
come on then, tell me what you wouldn't say or do online
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:56, Reply)

Generally, what I did up there.
Other than that, pretty much anything's game to me.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:58, Reply)

Aw, man
you edited, you do have a heart after all.

Top man *firm handshake* Good on you, fella
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:01, Reply)

she is a needy spastic that takes b3ta too srrs

( mongychops, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:13, Reply)

she's an 18 year old girl who's a little sensitive at times, that's all

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:16, Reply)

yeah, which is exactly what i wrote

( mongychops, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:20, Reply)

Pffffft
Oh Mongy, when are you next going to post an image on board? It's been a while hasn't it?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:21, Reply)

been over a year, i might download cs3 again one day, dunno

( mongychops, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:23, Reply)

I don't wanna die!!!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:26, Reply)

We don't want you to die either.

( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:27, Reply)

Thanks bird.
And pink's a stupid colour so don't go slitting your wrists in the bath with a white dress on.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:29, Reply)

I've got an Ophelia complex.

( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:30, Reply)

I have an Echo complex

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:32, Reply)

Fo sho!
But is djtp narcissus?
( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:37, Reply)

Fo sho!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:37, Reply)

Hey!
I can't really argue with that
( djtrialprice, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:39, Reply)

Complex
omplex
plex
ex.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:39, Reply)

I'm so slow...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:41, Reply)

I'll forgive you.
Evening all.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:44, Reply)

Yo

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:44, Reply)

I do a bit
I'd get to wear a black shirt and black tie and cry a lot. I'd bang on the coffin and scream, "Why? Take me instead!" and sob loads. Then I'd gets huge swathes of pity sex.
( djtrialprice, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:31, Reply)

Haha!
A fan of amatuer dramatics then.
( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:32, Reply)

D'you know you, right...
I am deffo gonna stay alive now, because I would look WAY fitter than you in funeral gear. Wide brimmed hat, shift dress, shades, single red rose, your money and car.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:33, Reply)

Hahahaha
Deal. You'd be left with my parents and a vial of frozen sperm. "Go on Roota, please give us a grandchild. You're our only remaining link to him."
( djtrialprice, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:38, Reply)

I'm a sentimental prick
If you died I'd probably want to get up the spout.
I just got a bit sad there. Stop doing that to me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:40, Reply)

Silly billy.

( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:44, Reply)

I know
I once started crying because of an advert for painkillers showing a little elephant walking along with its mam
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:45, Reply)

Emo.
Will you have runny mascara at Djtp's funeral? I think that adds a touch of class. That, and a very low cut dress.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:48, Reply)

It won't be low-cut
It will have a slash neck.
But it will be tight.

And definitely slightly leaky mascara.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:49, Reply)

God, they're so sickeningly in love, aren't they?
I mean, I send vials of my frozen sperm to girls all the time, but you don't see me getting all sentimental about it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:46, Reply)

You never sent me any

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:47, Reply)

You thought it was a Hellmans sample.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:49, Reply)

Aw man
I put it in the tuna sweetcorn
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:50, Reply)

I hope djtp had some
in fact, I'm imagining you licking it off each other
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:53, Reply)

No but Nana dropped some down her top

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:55, Reply)

keep going
I'm about to spluff in my pants
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:57, Reply)

She had her tape measure round her neck at the time

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:57, Reply)

oh god, so close....
keep on going...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:59, Reply)

And afterwards
she went to meet Maureen to go to the market then clean the church
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:02, Reply)

you totally just made me lose my lob-on
I was expecting slightly more explicit detail on your grandmother's hairy chin
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:04, Reply)

Good

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:05, Reply)

I was totally picturing her
taking out her teeth, giving me pleasure beyond imagination, and then taking my hot goo on her wrinkled, saggy breasts
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:06, Reply)

She has her own teeth

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:08, Reply)

Then I'll repeatedly smack her in the face
before I punch her in the doughnut
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:09, Reply)

Bert, are you holding your cock at the moment?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:55, Reply)

I might be
but I'm not sure if it's mine
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:56, Reply)

If you're holding it like a handbrake
Its probably not yours.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:58, Reply)

It's not a handbrake, that's for sure
I'm posed like a skier with a Kielbasa in his mouth
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:00, Reply)

I might

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:39, Reply)

No fucking neeeeeed!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:41, Reply)

I'd sooner kill someone else.
There's no satisfaction to be had in suicide, no sense of a job well done, no possibility of reducing the number of fat-headed reactionary wankers in the world. Unless you are one yourself, in which case I can't recommend it enough.

Also, there's absolutely no guarantee that oblivion is better than life in any way.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:27, Reply)

It's not about the after life.
I'm quite looking forward to not existing.
( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:30, Reply)

You'd be a bit gutted if it turned out that,
during the last few milliseconds of your existence, your consciousness is sent to somewhere like Slough or Newark-on-Trent, and your last moment is drawn out into smaller and smaller intervals of time like Zeno's paradox, approaching oblivion very closely but never actually reaching it.

I'm not saying that's definitely what happens when you die, but it's a possibility.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:49, Reply)

Could be worse
Purgatory could mean being made to live in Braintree.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:57, Reply)

Now you've definitely scared me.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE : /
( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:58, Reply)

I TOLD YOU!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:59, Reply)

Meh
Heaven is a load of old bollocks anyway. More excitingly, I have just baked a fucking huge cake. It has several layers and it is still warm. 5 eggs died to make this delicious sponge of goodness. Where is your cake?
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:34, Reply)

Wow! there hasn't been cake on off-topic for ages.

( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:38, Reply)

I just offered that bloke up there some cake^^^
You liar
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:40, Reply)

This cake is a serious piece of work
It's more like a layered bakewell tart. There is an entire jar of strawberry jam in this fucker. And lots of vanilla sugar. And almonds. And FIVE GOLDEN EGGS.

QUIVER in front of my awesome cake!
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:45, Reply)

*quivers*
Although I have more of a savoury palate.
( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:47, Reply)

Me too
but it's getting sweeter as I get older
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:48, Reply)

I am shocked
Genuinely shocked.

So if you had a massive cake, ooooozing with sugar, icing, jam and other cakey goodness, would you seriously say "no, no... I want this sausage roll"?
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:51, Reply)

only if "sausage roll" is a euphemism

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:53, Reply)

Cheese and onion roll.
I don't eat meat.
( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:00, Reply)

What, not even bacon?

(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:12, Reply)

Nope!

( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:20, Reply)

I've never made a proper cake.
I'd like to do that. And make fondant. Man, that'd be an awesome cake.
I had a pinkalicious cupcake last week, think it was homemade. It was lush.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:43, Reply)

You'll never catch a real man unless you make cake.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:50, Reply)

And they are sooooo deliciously easy to make!

(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:53, Reply)

Not that I'm after a bloke,
But I find you need to keep practising, or the cakes go all wrong.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 20:56, Reply)

Jump off the top of The Samaritans office.

(Cave Duck, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 8:31, Reply)

Easy.
Hypothermia.
(JohntheDane, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 21:41, Reply)