Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
(
rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Money, books, DVDsI reconcile myself to the fact that whenever I lend anything, the chances of seeing it back are, to say the least, low.
First OT post - be gentle, good readers...
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:26, 11 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
oh god here we gowith the shower of bert-accusations!
anyway, to bert or not to bert, i agree, i only lend books to really special people because otherwise they come back bent or damaged or not at all. anything else i am pretty free with - car, flat, cash, i happily lend all of those. actually, that's pretty much not agreeing. oh well.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:28,
Reply)
I've boughtat least 7 copies of my favourite book and lent them out. God knows what I'd do if they all ever came back again (seems unlikely though).
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:32, Reply)
"Girlfriend in a coma"by Douglas Coupland. It's really serious, as you can tell by the title...
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:43, Reply)
I've read thatthe one about AIDS isn't it?
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:50,
Reply)
Noabout a mystery virus that kills all of humanity in about a week, bar a small group of Canadians...one of whom has been in a coma for some years...hence title
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:58, Reply)
oh. What am I thinking of then? It's definitely CouplandI think it might have something about family in the title now that I think about it.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:35,
Reply)
Hi newbiepeople are worried that you may be a past B3tard called Bert. Are you willing to truthfully answer a question to prove that you are not?
(
Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:29,
Reply)
Yes, of courseGod knows how I prove I am not called Bert though. Any tests you can put me through ?
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:30, Reply)
have you ever slept with a relative?and was she under or over the age of consent?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:31,
Reply)
Urrghwhere the hell am I where such things occur ? No, I certainly haven't slept either with a relative or a minor....
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:33, Reply)
No, not with any sort of relativealthough aren't we all meant to be descended from a handful of people ? So possibly my thirty-seconded cousin removed ?
Or miner, extractor of any earth-encrusted minerals, manic or otherwise...
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:38, Reply)
Don't you find it awkwardfinding somewhere to put the canary?
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Kroney, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:38,
Reply)
ANSWER THE QUESTION!OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR.
OVERRULED.
(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:36,
Reply)
You could start by not being Bert.(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:32,
Reply)
Well,a quick check of your profile reveals an incident that took place just after the first / fourth Star Wars flick came out, and I know that Bert ain't that old. So unless you are Bert and are completely making a different life up...
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:32,
Reply)
My point exactly Gary.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:34,
Reply)
Ooh, forceful.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:36,
Reply)
Also, I seem to have hurt my wrist is there anything you can do about it?(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:43,
Reply)
Shut up Bert.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:35,
Reply)
Ok, here we go...Have you ever had sex with your long-lost half-sister?
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Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:33,
Reply)
I slept with Becky, I was the first and best she ever had.Thoughts?
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Kroney, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:33,
Reply)
Yes she was *high fives*Disclaimer: I have not, and never will sleep with Becky, I know my place, I just wanted to join in on the joke. Sorry, won't happen again.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:35,
Reply)
Answer A. Is 'inside a 13 year old half sister.'(If you are not Bert try to avoid this as an option)
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)
A rorschach test would be good.Spill ink on a page, fold it in half - now look at it.
If the image makes you have lustful thoughts towards a young relative I suggest you go kill yourself.
(If not - welcome.)
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)
OhI took it from a Black Grape song. So much for my so-called wit.
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:30, Reply)
ignore himhis name is discriminatory towards mentally disabled people and Mario characters.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:38,
Reply)
I'm pretty sure you can'tbut for a sec I did sit up straight and think "is that possible?"
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:51,
Reply)
FFS not you again. When will you finally take the hint you sister-shagging paedo?(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:31, Reply)
Part of me wonders how many lurkers look at the salughter of any lambs who dare stray in to OTand think "fuck that"
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:33,
Reply)
The whole scenario reminds me of somewhere nearby...(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:33,
Reply)
You ARE nice.What the fuck is wrong with you?
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:39,
Reply)
Well apparently Badger is lovely in real life even though she's nasty on hereso it's like that. You should meet Wiggy, he's covered in bruises.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:52,
Reply)
I will decide at the bash whether or not that is indeed TRUFAXyou do have some credible character references on your side, but also numerous offences.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:01,
Reply)
Her face also could be described as 'numerous offences'(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:02,
Reply)
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SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:09,
Reply)
for a minute there I was like"you do have some credible character references on your side, but also a potato" and was all "wait, whut?"
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:36,
Reply)
Charmed, I'm sureIs this some sort of weird initiation ceremony ? Is there a "right" response I can give ?!?!?
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:35, Reply)
Just let people call you Bert for a whileWe'll get used to you soon enough.
Alternatively, come to a bash, best way to prove you're not him.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:35,
Reply)
What, meet peopleIn REAL LIFE ? God, what a concept...might be up for that sometime, feel it's a little early to tell yet.
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:39, Reply)
Two weeks time would be a good place to start...(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:41,
Reply)
yeah there will only be about 50 of us, it won't be at all scary.(
Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:52,
Reply)
I firmly believe that if you're going to subject yourself to a bashthen the first time should be as scary as possible.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:58,
Reply)
This is my first bash y'knowbut don't worry, I'm fucking shitting bricks
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:02,
Reply)
You'll enjoy itBashes are fucking awesome!
Unless my deposit magically comes through in the next 2 weeks, I'll just see you at the next one!
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:10,
Reply)
We're all lovely in real life.I've met some people at bashes that have since become good friends IRL, so it's all cool.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:22,
Reply)
^^ Just avoid this man if you want to make any silly jokesHe'll ruin your favourite t-shirt!
*runs away sobbing*
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:24,
Reply)
Er, yeah, sorry about that.I have a vague recollection of making a sweeping motion with my glass, forgetting it had wine in it.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:28,
Reply)
It wasn't on purpose.I swear!
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:29,
Reply)
It should have been if it was the luminous monstrosity.(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:30,
Reply)
Yep, that's the oneAnd it's awesome, damnit!
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:31,
Reply)
I feel I just added to the overall effect.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:31,
Reply)
I need to plan my outfitFlattering, attractive, yet ok if it gets vomit on.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:32,
Reply)
Wear purple docs.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:33,
Reply)
My purple docs are at home.I have my red and white ones, and the metallic blue MJs, and the black patent high heeled ones. So much choice!
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:37,
Reply)
Wear your 'There's no place like home' shoes(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:34,
Reply)
You tried to hit me with the spanging pan, and instead hit your own handSound familiar?
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:29,
Reply)
Vaguely.I was very, very drunk. It's all the missus' fault anyway, if she hadn't brought the spanging pan in the first place it wouldn't have happened.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:30,
Reply)
Haha, don't worry about itYou looked genuinely upset for about half a second, then just started laughing
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:31,
Reply)
Yeah, I'm a cunt like that at times.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:32,
Reply)
Nah, I just get very good natured when I'm pissed and laugh a lot.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:34,
Reply)
My overriding memory of the entire time was Me, TGB and (I think) Lab pissing ourselves laughing at your Missus' comment'She's got a clit like a silverback's knuckle'
Magnificent.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:37,
Reply)
I may have missed that one.Still, a damned good evening.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:39,
Reply)
I'll be wearing a white handmade corsetso I think I will actually cry if this happens.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:37,
Reply)
I'll be on pints of aleand no nowhere near a spanging pan, so you'll probably be safe.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:40,
Reply)
I may start drinking red wine(
TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:41,
Reply)
What, all of you chanting "sister fucker" as I walk in the room......well, I presume you know what Bert looks like so as long as I don't look like him, hopefully that wouldn't happen.
I take it "bash" means "meet" not "thump the newcomer"...
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:02, Reply)
Are you Scottish?EDIT: Thump the newcomer? Talking to the right person here ;)
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:05,
Reply)
I think Bert was Scottish, so that's a positive mark.(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:08,
Reply)
oh god, was he GINGER?!(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:14,
Reply)
He is Scottish by birth.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:20,
Reply)
So what's a/the correct way to make an entrance to one's first bash, then?Just wondering, like ...
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:32, Reply)
Well LAK are going to be entering in a human caterpillar formation.(
Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:39,
Reply)
It gets easierJust don't say anything to Lampito if you meet her. She'll either throw up on you, punch you, kiss you, or sleep with you.
Once you've fulfilled one of the above, you'll be a true b3tan
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:45,
Reply)
Because you're hot.(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:58,
Reply)
You asked me not to punch you, and I obliged.(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:58,
Reply)
I've promised not to again.FORGIVE ME WOOKIEEEE
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:04,
Reply)
Hey, I didn't say anything about slapping.You'll feel the power of my backhand.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:06,
Reply)
No, you were always going to be punched.As you were nasty to me from the off.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:07,
Reply)
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post730620#post730626
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:13,
Reply)
Please don't punch me!(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:03,
Reply)
Wouldn't dream of it.I'd end up with a fist full of metal.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:04,
Reply)
Aha!*buys more spikes*
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:05,
Reply)
-wraps fists in bubblewrap-(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:06,
Reply)
I'm not above getting the first punch in(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:08,
Reply)
No one's punched me yet.Surprisingly.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:11,
Reply)
You may choose whether to read this as an abbreviation for mohawk or an abbreviation for homo.
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:05, Reply)
You put the apostrophe at the front of moTherefore YOU mean homo.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:08,
Reply)
You're the one who's invited me to stay(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:15,
Reply)
You've not met my housemate yet, have you?Clenders said she was looking forward to watching him destroy someone.
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:27, Reply)
I would also look forward to that(
TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:28,
Reply)
Clendrix will be too busy being all PDA and "Oooo Boooooyyyyyffffrrriiiieeeend"For either of them to inflict pain upon me.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:37,
Reply)
hahahahaYeah... you defo haven't met him have you
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:42,
Reply)
I'm starting to think every new OTerwill have to arrange to meet a "Certified Non-Berter" before being allowed to post
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TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:39,
Reply)
Why didn't you invite that 'missflea' from yesterday then?(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:42,
Reply)
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:53,
Reply)
Did you miss the strikethrough?(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:06,
Reply)
*belms*Sorry, I read it as Kitty having invited her to the bash and missflee trying to get her banned. It makes more sense that this would be Chompy's approach...
/brainfail.
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:08, Reply)
WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MAKE MORE SENSE?You're going on the naughty list.
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:10, Reply)
nice to see you have such a high opinion of me.*croses arms*
*glares*
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:07, Reply)
Tell us when you're going to start posting pictures of people eating shit(
Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:36,
Reply)
Well, we've already got you talking it often enough, so someone eating it is only one step away, surely?(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:38,
Reply)
What did you have for lunch?This will answer all our questions about you.
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girlinthehole, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:38,
Reply)
Hmm, lunch not yet eatendiet today consisted of: cold can of Oxtail soup, can of energy drink, 8 cigarettes.
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:41, Reply)
oh that was a good answer, well doneWelcome!
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:53,
Reply)
You'll be finejust don't be shit and dull and we won't hate you.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:39,
Reply)
back to work?you'll never fit in here then.
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Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:53,
Reply)
Yes, well as I work for myself, from homeit means more "better get back to work" rather than "boss breathing down my shoulder". How much actual work gets done is fairly relative...
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)
been in IT for many a yearno jobs at present, so currently burning through my equity building a website with some friends / fools prepared to work for me for nowt. Currently drawing loads of UML diagrams and finding it boring...
(, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:06, Reply)
I love the fact that puppets come straight to OT, the very backwater of b3ta, for their first posts.(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:33,
Reply)
If you are not Bert, then ignore these Bert jibes and keep posting.Don't be put off by the fact that in a month's time you are still being told to fuck off for being Bert.
Treat it like an initiation.
If you are Bert, you can fuck off.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:43,
Reply)
I'm not Bert, and neither is my wife.Fuck off sulu.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:13,
Reply)
NEW BERT!!!!!!!!!!!WELCOME.
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SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 14:57,
Reply)
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