Things you never thought you'd be doing.
At one point of the weekend I found myself drinking a beer in the car park of TK Maxx in Watford. Five hours later I was eating venison in what was once WS Gilbert's (of Gilbert & Sullivan fame) house, to the sound of the Indiana Jones theme tune being played on the pianola.

It occurred to me at the time that these were a couple of the more peculiar moments in a life filled with weird shit.

Ever found yourself thinking 'what the fuck am I doing here?'

Do tell.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 8:40, 113 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

being driven across the sahara to a 'resort' by a guy who, it became more and more apparent, had no idea where it was
at one point when there was nothing in view to the horizon in every direction, my companion broke down and shouted 'OK! OK! I'LL TALK!'
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Myself and a friend as slightly naive 18 year olds
in what we thought was a club but was actually a brothel in Soho.

We made our excuses and left.
(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 8:58, Reply)

£100 poorer but considerably more jaded?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:40, Reply)

Cave Duck = Couldn't score in a brothel (A bit like Jay Simpson)
The worst bit was when we got outside my mate said that the same thing had happened to him 6 months earlier when he was with his girlfriend.
(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:43, Reply)

26th June this year
I'd just travelled for around an hour and a half, with a pretty vague map, to a town I'd never been before, to go meet several people I'd never met before (and some I had). I finally reached the house, and knocked on the door, and was directed round the back, where the fun (heavy drinking) was occuring. As I turned the corner, I looked into a yard to see 6 people I didn't know at all, and I absolutely shat myself.

Fortunately, I spotted one b3tan I knew, and from that point on, was fine. But those first 30 seconds were rather unnerving!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Two things that spring to mind.....
Wandering around a forest near Congleton with two lads me and my friend barely knew and just about to take MDMA for the first time. I was around 27 so really should have known better.

Drunk and entering the flat of a huge bouncer of caribbean descent with whom I was supposed to get jiggy with. I have never sobered up so fast in my life.
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Why would you go to Congleton anyway?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:17, Reply)

Exactly!

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:21, Reply)

Ahh well, I should be leaving there next weekend, if all goes well!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:24, Reply)

ended up drunk at a Bar Mitzva in Leicester when I was about 19.
I had no idea how I got there but I knicked some sandwiches.

Secondly went to a local bar, there was a red carpet down and a velvet rope across, my mate and I were just waved through, turns out it was some snowboarding video release party filled about 6-1 hot women to men. Good night.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Surely you're not off to bed already?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:12, Reply)

I suppose I could milk the tail end of this cold I've got.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Haha - you said "milk the tail"
That sounds a bit rude.
(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:16, Reply)

You fucking furry.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Times have been hard since Davey Arthur left.

(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:24, Reply)

*something about 'Minder'*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:25, Reply)

What do you think about James blunt stopping world war III?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-11753050
(PsychoChomp, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:36, Reply)

War is stupid
And people are stupid
And love means nothing
In some strange quarters.
(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Who sung that?

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Culture Club?
FUCKING CULTURE CLUB?!

You need help.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:43, Reply)

It was the key to ending the cold war.

(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Well I never.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:43, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Sitting in the kitchen of a house in Golders Green
midway through Pesach and eating french toast at 5 in the morning, trying not to wake up whoever was in the house and making awkward conversation with a boy I'd met that night. Waiting for my friend to come back from the treehouse where she was fucking someone I'd met while doing conferences while I was 16. Then making our way back to Trafalgar Square, having our last fags, then dozing in McDonalds. Then I went to my nine am lecture and did a test.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:35, Reply)

STI test?

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:46, Reply)

When they were filming Attack of the Clones
they did a bunch of stuff at the Ealing Studios. When they were done they had a little party there. My flatmate and I decided to crash it. We had access to the studios with our students cards as we used there recording studios for our uni work so getting in wasn't a problem. Staying in wasn't a problem either it turned out. There were about 20 people there, the only celebrity was Kenny Baker. There was however a couple of hundred bottles of wine and a shitload of food. They were perfectly happy to have some extra numbers and even let us take some of the wine home at the end. It was obscure, I expected it to be some huge party and it just wasn't but they had a lot of top quality wine so I can't complain.
( Peej, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:49, Reply)

This thread has died,
the problem is you've invited people to tell you about their exciting lives and lets face it, they're better at talking about lunch.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Ooo! did someone say lunch!

( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:01, Reply)

I think he did
Today my lunch is going to be a gammon and pasta salad, nyom.
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Leeks in a cheese sauce
caramelised onions, part cooked broccoli, grilled chicken and sweet potatoes.

Hmmmm I guess you're right.
( Peej, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:01, Reply)

You're right. Shame on you, internet.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Many, many a time.
Like drinking with the cast from Hollyoaks at Leeds Festival, completely oblivious to the fact that I was taking the piss out of them solidly, when Josh Homme walks up to me and asks me for a cigarette.

Making Robbie Williams then girlfriend tea at his Milton Keynes gigs.

25 foot up a cliff on a snowboard seriously contemplating throwing my self of for kicks.

Waking up in a strange room, with a strange view. Turns out I'd woken up in a different ski resort to the one I started my night in. Nearly 40km away.

In Boyce Towers biting into a pillow and crying.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Pfft! the last one.
Who hasn't.
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:11, Reply)

You?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Most of you'll know that I used to run a cybergoth/industrial club night in Liverpool
After one such night, the guy I ran it with (Tom) told a bunch of the punters that he was having an after party at his place, so we piled into cabs and headed over to Aigburth.
Everyone was drunk (or otherwise intoxicated) and having a blast, when some dares were brought up, including one dare for two of the guys to snog. Tom thought this hilarious, and started taking photos, then egging them on to do more. The girlfriend of one of the guys was invited to join in, as was another guy.
Things rapidly went south, and before I fully realised what was happening, there was an MMMF bisexual fourway occurring a few feet away, with Tom still snapping pics. I left the room after watching a few seconds of one guy, a Brian Molko wannabe, getting his backdoors booted in.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:07, Reply)

I once watched my bit on the side go down on my then Girlfriend
That was awesome.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I'm too old to realistically have a chance of watching two girls go at it in front of me
Massive sadface.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Don't be silly.
Me and your mum would oblige.
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:14, Reply)

I hope to Almighty God that you mean Tourettes and not my birth mum.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:15, Reply)

They're both bi
Drunken party in which we were wandering round in boxies/bra & knickers, when BOTS decides that she wants a go of my GF. They play a bit downstairs, before inviting me and BOTS' fella upstairs, where they give us a private show, with the warning that if we even attempt to move from our seats, we will be thrown out of the room, and they will carry on.

It was fucking ace being 18.

EDIT: Although I'll never understand why I didn't grab the digital camera...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:16, Reply)

The things you can do in World of Warcraft these days
which one was the level 60 Tauren shaman again?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:14, Reply)

You

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Errr.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:12, Reply)

I know
This was in a massive bedroom with about ten other people in chatting and laughing, but we all left for the lounge within a few minutes as it ceased being funny.
None of them were attractive either, it was like watching dogging porn.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Again I say errrr.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:16, Reply)

+H eu
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:19, Reply)

You posed the question
That was definitely a scenario where I found myself thinking "What the fuck am I doing here?".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Just as well that you left when you did otherwise it may have been
Who the fuck am I "doing" here.
(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:22, Reply)

I was offered but I refused.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I am very glad to hear it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:24, Reply)

I am in the most boring lecture ever
And it hasn't even started yet
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:39, Reply)

i'm on holiday yet somehow
i am spending the next 3 hours drafting advice on a conditional break option and an insolvent tenant. then i am taking my friend's baby to something called "head over heels". where all the mothers in their cheshire tractors will look at me and say things like "i used to be a lawyer/banker/doctor you know" and "but don't you WANT children?" blah blah.

luckily i have the sparkling vodka that my friend bought for my birthday in the freezer, i can come home and mainline that.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I left some waitrose cider in the freezer yesterday
it became a bit like a slushy, it was quite nice.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:45, Reply)

did it not go a bit watery though, i know frozen diet coke is not great.
or maybe you drank it too quickly for that?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Nah it only just froze, didn't have a chance to get too watery
it was still fizzy.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:50, Reply)

so long as the alcohol content was not unduly diluted
i approve
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:53, Reply)

The amount of water in a sealed bottle is pretty constant.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:59, Reply)

unless you freeze it, no?
if you freeze a can of coke and then open it before it explodes, it will be watery. i thought it was something to do with the shape of the molecules/walls of the cells changing to let the water in, which is also why it gets bigger?

this sounded better in my head.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:03, Reply)

This explanation is rather endearing
wrong, but endearing.
(berk, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Haha! Now say that again,
but this time pat her on the head as you do so.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:07, Reply)

science sucks!
i know what i meant... i really thought the walls of the cells broke down to let the water in? this then means they don't reform which is why it goes mushy/watery.

what am i thinking of then??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:15, Reply)

I can't say for sure, as I don't know what's in Coke,
but it wouldn't contain any cells unless there were some plant (or animal) tissue in there. So if you freeze a piece of fruit, for example, then the water inside the cells expands as it freezes, which tends to rupture the cells, and therefore damages the structure supporting the fruit, making the flesh mushy.

In the case of Coke, my best guess would be that when you freeze it, a lot of the flavouring and colourings precipitate out, but don't re-dissolve very easily when you defrost it. (I suspect berk may correct me on this one though.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:23, Reply)

so basically my mistake
was mistaking diet coke for fruit?

easily done...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:24, Reply)

Haha! Well, yes I guess we've all made that mistake in the past
Fruit is good for you.
Why would they call it "Diet" if it's not good for you?
It must be fruit!
QED.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Coca Cola is made from vegetable extracts
and sugar comes from plants. How could it NOT be good for you?
(berk, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:29, Reply)

Exactly!
By this logic I should be able to get my "5 a day" by eating five packets of different types of sugar.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:31, Reply)

It's certainly my argument
for eating an entire bar of Galaxy hazelnut. Chocolate comes from beans, right?
(berk, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:32, Reply)

As does coffee
And tea is made from leaves. If only I took sugar with my tea, I could be the healthiest person in my office!
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:34, Reply)

i certainly get 5 a day of diet coke
don't always manage it on the fruit/veg side of stuff.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Try substituting each Diet Coke
for a Bloody Mary.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Well,
Alcohol has a lower freezing point than water, so if you cool down the cider enough that the water forms ice crystals then, although the water content will indeed be the same, the remaining liquid component of the mixture will be slightly more alcoholic. (I believe this is how Brew Dog managed to create a 41% ABV beer)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:04, Reply)

This makes me weep for Britain's great brewing heritage.

(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:48, Reply)

So I should have just thrown away perfectly good booze?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:51, Reply)

No, you should have treated it with due respect.

(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:53, Reply)

And given it to a tramp
/Not a cider fan
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:54, Reply)

Better that than to be consumed by the sort of person who would pull handbrake turns in a Bentley.

(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:56, Reply)

this sounds like something i would do
which is why i am the only child not insured on my dad's. humph. "i got in one little fight* and my dad got scared..."

* wrote his brand new car off at 90mph on the motorway with all of us in it
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Sparkling vodka??
Sounds good!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:46, Reply)

i know!
she was so excited when she found it, all week she had been texting me saying "you won't believe my present, rah rah". she got me the most gorgeous long stemmed shot glasses to go with it. in fact, all my friends/family excelled themselves this year, i am totally and utterly spoilt.

also amberl was asking about it, which made me go online to find the website, it has all sorts of cocktail recipes, so now i am having a sparkling vodka party before celebrating my birthday in london next weekend (it's 40% strength, pure vodka and the size of a bottle of champagne - not the kind of thing you could drink by yourself if you want to live!)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Chelsea Tractors

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:48, Reply)

yes, when i am in london they are
up here they are ridiculous 2010 reg white 4x4's that have clearly never seen a speck of mud in their lives.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Up here?
Where are you?! Also, if you write that you're bored on here, don't ignore my message. The CHEEK.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:02, Reply)

i am in cheshire ACTUALLY
and i was on the phone to a client. i saw the red message thing and it was the only thing in my life keeping me going through the phonecall.

but now you've gone and ruined the surprise, so it can stay there ALL WEEK.

edit - ha, that message isn't from you after all. did you email me instead?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:14, Reply)

You up North again?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:49, Reply)

oh yes
i have only just recovered from sat night's birthday celebrations out in wilmslow. and yes, before you ask, we ended up in rev's!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Woo! Haha
Is Head Over Heels the one in Chorlton? As that's the only one I know of.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:54, Reply)

i'd be surprised
my friend lives in alderley, there's bound to be one somewhere around there! her husband, who used to live in london and be cool, actually used the phrase "in the village" on sat night. i had to discipline him severely.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:56, Reply)

Haha, dear oh dear!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:04, Reply)

i know, right?
dreadful dreadful behaviour
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:14, Reply)

I've not gone out these past days.
Seems Stockport is full of things that just make me ill as soon as I step foot in it.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:16, Reply)

well yeah
it's STOCKPORT innit!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:18, Reply)

Macclesfield is far superior

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:18, Reply)

You have a point.
It's still home.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:19, Reply)

To more than 100 undiagnosed illnesses

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Contrary to popular belief
Stockport is not your colon.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:24, Reply)

Too easy
your my
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Too easy
LIKE YOUR MUM

(Well, if you will drag it down to that level)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:29, Reply)

That's pretty low
6 foot deep, even Haha
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Easy
Hiding behind a chair in the outside section of a harbourside restaurant in Tampa at gone 2am, while a carload of coked-up Americans hunted for me. I am supremely convinced that they didn't want to give me a lift after swerving a screeching to a halt in their black Lincoln not a hundred yards in front of me. There was a distinct purpose in their approach. I have never genuinely been in fear of my life before or since. I distinctly remembering thinking "what the fuck am I doing here?" whilst I seriously considered slipping into the water to try and escape. Tampa, incidentally, had an unseasonably large amount of sharks that summer.
( Kroney, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:51, Reply)

It had seemed like only five minutes ago
that I was coolly taxiing my Sea Harrier into its hangar that I had personally built as a favour to the British Antarctic Survey, and then it was a few drinks and a few friends asking if I'd help them out at work. Being as awesome as I am, "field doctor" was a trifling job, but unfortunately it was taking up so much of my time (the soldiers were so incompetent, getting injured all the time and what have you) that I was particularly mindful of the hundreds of women eagerly awaiting further photographs of my genitalia. I was distracted by this issue when I ended up mis-diagnosing some poor chap's hand injury. Next thing I knew I was up before a tribunal. Where did it all go wrong?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Seems reasonable to me.
It's just another case of political correctness gone MAD
( Kroney, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Shut it Craig

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:10, Reply)

Ever found yourself thinking 'what the fuck am I doing here?'
Yeah. All the time.

Usually when I'm in the casino and nursing record losses.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:07, Reply)

/obvious strikethrough is obvious:
the casino and nursing record lossesBattersea Dogs' Home, up to my nuts in a Fred Bassett-lookalike
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Stop hounding me.
Morning Crow.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:11, Reply)

'morning Jeff - I'll excuse that terrierble pun for now,
How's tricks?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:12, Reply)

Stop crowing

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Well he's mastered giving his paw, but still needs to work on rolling over.

(Cave Duck, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:13, Reply)

I've got a headache.
I believe cider mgiht be the cause of it.

This is unfair as I've got lots to get done today.

Yourself?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:14, Reply)

Well, no headache thankfully
But likewise, a lot of stuff I really should get done today.

Could also be an interesting evening as I suspect I'll find out what happened yesterday between the singer and guitarist in one band that means they won't be playing together any more...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:18, Reply)

Is this about the X-Factor?
Or a proper band?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:25, Reply)

A proper band
You wouldn't see a 70-year old blues singer on the X-Factor.

The singer and guitarist do seem to end up arguing at every gig I've played with them. Not usually seriously, but all the same I wasn't surprised when the singer's manager-of-sorts texted me to say they wouldn't be playing together any more and that it sounded a bit permanent this time. Normally they cool off after a few hours or days, so I want to know what the hell happened this time...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Being woken by a lada full of Chechens in a field in Siberia.
Being driven to a hospital in the Libyan Sahara in the back of a pick-up truck while suffering from all the symptoms of amoebic dysentry.

Being on an operating table for a c-section with a mix-CD on playing the Pogues.

Jumping into a swimming pool fully dressed at a Hollywood party.

Being asked to check a cinema for bombs in pre-ceasefire Belfast.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 15 Nov 2010, 11:19, Reply)