First proper girlfriend
Came over to mine, I split up with her. She sat outside my parent's house on step crying her eyes out, whilst I say in my room, feeling released. I MEANT to text a mate, but ended up texting her "glad that's over now, thank god. i feel so much better now."

Ahem.
( FinestLittleSpace, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:25, Reply)

I receieved this once
Someone had meant it for their girlfriend and accidentally mass-emailed it to a newsgroup.

Morning my darling,
Thankyou very much for being so cute and cuddly last night, I really
needed it after such a hectic weekend. I've managed to get into work ok
but the whole place feels a little surreal at the moment. I am awake but
I am noticing lots of things that I normally ignore. For example, on the
back of Nick's monitor are warnings and instructions in loads of
European languages - except French! Why? Never noticed that before.

Feeling really hungry and have run out of M&S low fat snack bars. Bum.
You're so squishy and I want to marry you, snoogles! :-) Here's a kissy
smiley: :-x

Rambling now, so will get back to work. Love you loads bumblepoo!

Your hugglesnuffkin,

Robot Boy
Xxxx
XXXX
xxxx


-----------
The information contained in this e-mail message, and any attachment, is
confidential and for use solely by the intended recipient. If you have received
this message in error, please delete this message immediately.

I especially like the bit at the bottom. Naturally, I saved it instead.
(sanity challenged, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:18, Reply)

An odd way to resign
Working in the comms department of a large northern County Council, my mate who we'll call Pete (because that's his name) was furtively typing his CV on the vague promise of a job with C&W. He goes off to look up some employment dates, we redirect his print command to the printer in Personnel. Oh we laughed...

Mind you, he didn't help himself by hitting 'print' about 20 times when it failed to appear on his local printer.
(Toooldforallthis, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:17, Reply)

Too many to recall
I went through a phase of taking study days from work where I would in fact have arranged a day out on the lash with a few of my less employable mates. The problem was that work had foolishly supplied me with a laptop and dial up to the office. Cue me stumbilng in late afternoon and proceeding to send department wide e-mails giving people my exact thoughts on how things would be run if I was in charge. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Still work there though and have been promoted a couple of times. On second thoughts perhaps being pissed is the answer to a successful career.

I'm off down the pub.

No apologies to anyone, ever.
(myohmy, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:15, Reply)

I used to work
at Universal Pictures where they had a fairly harsh email policy.
After a drunken discussion on amusing porn domain names the night before, my colleague sent an email to his mate telling him to check out the fictitious www.teenpissqueens.com. For purely innocent technical reasons the email got stuck in the US gateway where a jobsworth techie read it and sent it back to our (female) MD.
His face was a picture when confronted on the issue, especially when she made him tell her what the "offensive content" was in the middle of our open plan office.
( Jay, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:11, Reply)

My first day at my first job...
I was being unnecessarily taught how to use outlook - the monkey showing me typed some crap and selected the entire address book for the company and sent it. I lack confidence at the best of times, so the last thing I needed was everyone thinking I was some kind of spazmo for typing 'helj sdfh dkms'. Replies came back with 'Hi, Welcome to the company' etc, but most treated me with care for a long while afterwards.

I did the same thing myself though a while later - Found a scat porn image that was intended for a mate of mine, I knew he would be utterly disgusted and repulsed and decided the best thing to do was forward it to him as quickly as possible. Sent it to everyone in my address book. (Luckily this was from home and had no employment repercussions, just some painful social ones - still makes my stomach turn typing this now).
( Goldfish_, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:11, Reply)

Well, he was
Had a subordinate who was a right twunt. A member of staff used the office message system to relate an example of his offensive, autocratic, ignorant behaviour. I messaged the following reply: "Don't worry about him. He's a w@nker."

Did I send it to the victim? Mais non!

Did I send it to the charmless twunt? Yabetcha!

Managed to bluff and bluster and wink my way into making this guy think I'd meant some other w@nker.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:10, Reply)

The Onosecond
I once sent an email meant for the other trainee at work to one of the senior partners informing her, well him, that id made a quite dippy schoolboy error that made me look very stupid and totally inept (not hard to be fair) oopps- sneaked into his office with aid of his secretary and managed to delete it and thought id got away with it but he'd read it- arse. Thank god didnt swear in it like i usually do!

Also one of the secretaries that i was dirty flirting with once got the fright of her life thinking she'd sent the senior senior senior partner (whose name is next to mine in addy list) an email meant for me. She didnt- it was a virus pretending to be from her to him- but the fear was there alright!

first post- i now feel complete
(Keyser Soze, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:00, Reply)

Old job, SQL programmer
types "delete.file sub-order" instead of "delete sub-order" (on a selection)

Pressed return, an immediate ohonosecond than an increasingly sickening sinking feeling as the system paused for twenty minutes and deleted two and a half years of sub orders.

Tape backups you say? Unknown to us, the tape drive had been damaged, and reporting successful (but unsuccessful) backups for a week.

Ouch. got in deep, deep trouble for that. Still, it made then pull their fingers out and get the rollback command implements.

/geek
(Pandaemonium, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:58, Reply)

fuckle
After having a really bad breakup with my ex-boyfriend, I sent nearly every single one of my whining, "I miss him so much texts" first accidentally to him, then to the intended recipent.

I am such a fucktard. ¬_¬;;
(jernobyl, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:58, Reply)

Bitch pig slave meets foul whore
For years my mate and I have had this twisted in-joke going where we email one another stalker-type threats and S/M rantings eg "describe your faeces to me bitch and do not lie for I WILL FIND OUT" etc. Well we think it's funny. Anyhow a few years ago I was in the process of trying to gently retire a girlfriend via email (the old "it's not you its me" business)...
You can see where this is heading, can't you?
Cue to mate sending me one morning "hoho today my stool is ripe and sweet, foul slave, open your bitch mouth and gag". Christ, it's like Gandalf meets Roy of Finland. Well I can beat that, can't I: "Foul whore, moan while I roughly impale you on my proudness"... now just tap "send" and ...

Oh...

I hadn't used Reply, just typed out a new message, and Mr Freudian Slip had filled in the address. Well, that's one way to end a relationship, I guess.
When my mate found out, he tried to cheer me up with an email threatening to piss in my anus.
(mudskipper, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:56, Reply)

Dump him
I accidently sent a text to Chris Evans instead of Billy Piper
it read "Hi billy, dump that ging and come have some more anal frolics. Luv DPX"

and if you don't believe, me they have now split-up!

The proof is in the pudding
(Axe murderer, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:55, Reply)

And then there was the time...
...when I had formed an 'underground' after hours club and secret society where me and a bunch of other blokes would spend hours happily beating the crap out of each other to relieve the stresses of everyday life.

Anyway, one day I was using the office photocopier to print out the list of rules for my new club.

I got distracted and accidentally left the machine copying.
And who should be the next person to use the copier... my boss, of course.

You can bet I had some serious explaining to do on that one. The fact that I had a black eye and bleeding lip didn't help.
Mind you, I did manage to persuade him to let me work from home as a consultant... with the added bonus of limitless flight coupons!
(IcePimp, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:52, Reply)

I got a call at my desk from a colleague asking if I didn't mind talking to a client
to explain something tedious.
"Oh piss ... do I have to? They're retards. When is the conference call?"
"Ummm ... you're on it."

Oh how they laughed.

/marginally less than relevant but anybody who reads these is a cunt
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:48, Reply)

first year at university
way back when few people had internet at home and email was a bit of a novelty. A friend of mine at another uni thought that it would be a laugh to send me a spoof email using the name of the head of my department. The email pointed out that I had been missing lectures (true) and was behind with some coursework and drew my attention to the university rules on the subject, accurately listing them until the 7th rule, which read 'Don't believe fake emails from your mate Ridge'.

Until this point I had been reeled in, hook, line and sinker. So I quickly clicked on reply and sent him a faux-angry email, which read something along the lines of:

You absolute cunt, you evil fucking cunt. You complete bastard, you fucker of small children.

Unbenownst to me, for added authenticity my friend had altered the reply address, so rather than going to him, I actually emailed the head of Theology department and called him a fucker of small children. Needless to say, having to go and explain the mistake to him was not one of the most glorious moments in my life...
(pizzadeliveryninja, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:39, Reply)

Be so careful
At uni, having Dad Mobile and Dan Mobile (supplier of naughty weekend club treats) so close on the mobile caused some pretty close shaves.

Fortunately Dad doesn't know how to open text messages yet, but I did call him once from a house party at four in the morning, quite happy trying to get 'supplies', as soon as sleepy yorkshireman answered phone instead of wired cockney geezer I realised my mistake.
Dan got changed to XXXDan pretty soon after that.
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Sport
A friend of mine and myself play a game, normally whilst drunk, called 'SMS roulette'. It involves swapping mobiles and sending text messages to random people in the address book.

This has resulted in a message reading 'close my anus' being sent to his 14 year old cousin and the equally disturbing 'I've got the cock for you' being sent to my ex-boss.

We seldom play this game anymore.
(Speculum, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:38, Reply)

On a related note...
Where I used to work... one afternoon, the internal telephone line was ringing at the same time as the external one.

The chaps calling me from downstairs on the internal line had been messing around all afternoon with 'crank' calls, so was a bit pissed off with them to say the least.

Anyway, I grab the phone and bellow/scream "WHAT?!!!" down the line, expecting to suprise the guys downstairs on the other end of the internal line.

In actual fact, ended up utterly shocking the poor Italian chap on the end of the EXTERNAL line that I had just accidentally picked up!

Cue me pretending that I was clearing my throat and trying to sound nice-as-pie to my new client!

Worked out OK in the end... we did a big deal... and I got a nice shiny new Porsche as a bonus!


Length?... it's not the size of the nail... it's the hammer that drives it in!
(IcePimp, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:36, Reply)

Whoopsie doodle
Just a couple spring to mind....

1) I once sent a text to my estate agent telling him 'you can never have too much veg' instead of the other half.

2) I found out last week that I had set up an auto-reply on my e-mail account to reply to anyone that sent me a message from e-Bay saying 'erm, bit busy right now spanking the monkey - will get back to you as soon as this monkey is red raw'. Apparently I did this in a drunken fit of hilarity about 2 years ago and was, in fact supposed to have set it up on my boyfriend's account instead. It wasn't until finally last week, after all the auto e-mails I must have sent that someone finally asked me what the hell I was on about. Erm....

3) I am also forever pressing ctrl and enter instead of ctrl and backspace when in the middle of rage inspired work e-mails which I never really intend to send. This could possibly be why the Vice-Chairman ended up with half a sentence starting 'If you only had half a brain in your tiny little h..'

So far - God only knows how - most people still do seem to be talking to me.
(Loving Vixen, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:34, Reply)

Poor old Gemma
I used to work with a girl called Gemma, who was very small and widely disliked.

To cut a long story short, she had announced that she was leaving the company and I was chatting to a friend of mine - Mark - on MSN Messenger about it.

For some reason I was also looking at websites about the Goatsucking Chupacabra (see here) and I posted him a message of the URL saying something like 'Great news mate, at least the stupid midget bitch won't be out of work'.

Then Gemma replies 'Wha?'
( Micro Prawnvica, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:30, Reply)

Group replies
My email cockups are fairly tame, but I have recieved a few belters from people at work managing to reply to 'all users' type emails without realising that perhaps they should have changed the response address.

Exhibit A - Following a motivational email from big boss praising a colleagues contribution to a project the response 'fucking teachers pet' was sent to the whole office. Nice.

Exhibit B - A personal email from a member of staff to another member of staff, clearing up once and for all the question of whether they were spending most of their lunchtimes boinking in the nearest car park, also sent to the whole office.

Finally, not really an onosecond, but an illustration of how some people should not be allowed email. Someone sent one of those bloody awful poems supposedly written by a 12 year old in Arkansas with terminal cancer. You know the ones I mean. Anyway, did they forward it to their friends... no. To the rest of the office ... no. In fact they sent it to around 25,000 people (I work for a multinational). Then the fun really began.

No fewer than six people hit 'reply to all' and informed the person that it was an inappropriate use of company email and sending it to everyone in the company was a huge load on the (insert correct technical term, as I am a technological feckwit). Not quite as much a load as another six emails to 25,000 users, eh? Eventually the (insert etc.) collapsed under the load. Who needs to write proper viruses when you can just let natural stupidity do the work for you.

Incidentally, I avoided an onosecond myself by checking before I sent the very abusive email I had composed to the last of the six offenders. Perhaps sending it to one of the board of directors would have been a bad idea (although how you get to run a company the size of a small planet while being so stupid amazes me).

Apologies for lack of sub-'Carry On' humour length apology.
(Throbbe, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:23, Reply)

Another one.
My friend, who was quite the charmer over yahoo messenger. when i say charmer, i mean that's the only way he chats people up.

anyway, my mum comes into my room one day, asking me if my friends yahoo screen name is "xxxxxx" i say 'aye'.

why did she want to know that? he'd been chatting her up in a yahoo chat room, not knowing it was my mum.

things were said on there, which you REALLY should NOT say to your friends mum.

We didn't tell him until he next came round though.


bless him.


Plus he's ginger, which doesn't help.
( Snorty McBumhole YouTube.com/MinistryOfGeeks, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:22, Reply)

Ickle kid.
Found a number next to my mums bed which read "martin".

Now being young, i didn't know that was my dads name.

I rung it up. my dads new wife answers.

me: Hello
her: hello
me: who's this?
her: you know who this is, ben.

(at the time, i also had a friend called ben. so for some stupid childish reason, i thought my mum had my friends parents number. so me thinking they thought it was my friend, i continued)

me: who's this?
her: ben, don't be silly, you know who this is.
me: FUCK OFF *giggle* *hang up*


phoned up again, conevsration went the same. and again, and again.


found out a few hours later it was my dads wife. oh what fun i had when i went to see my dad next. never liked the bitch anyway. neither did my dad.
( Snorty McBumhole YouTube.com/MinistryOfGeeks, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:18, Reply)

coming in a jiffy
I once frapped off into a jiffy bag as a romantic gesture to a girl I knew. I thought I might as well save a few quid on the postage, so I stuck it in with my work's post.

She got it the following week, nice and stinky after a weekend's fermentation, and doesn't talk to me much now. Lost my job the same week as well. Tend not to wank in office stationery anymore.
(spastic_lequeer, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:14, Reply)

Spoofing SMS
Not a lot of people know how to do this so I'll share.

A couple of years ago I was involved in a start-up company (alright, I owned the bugger) that was involved in writing a system that would let you send SMS text messages from Outlook to anyone in your contacts list. As a by-product of this work I discovered how to spoof the sender ID of the messages I was sending.

Now think of the implications of this. I could put *anything* I liked in the sender ID as long as it was under 12 characters. I could put numbers, text or a mix of them. I had some fun sending messages from GOD, 02 Admin, Orange etc to various people telling them that I'd cancelled their accounts as they'd been stalking people, sending porn etc, etc. Harmless fun. But then I got creative.

Using my brother as my first dupe I sent him a text message and spoofed the sender ID to come from his son Barry's mobile number. The beauty of this system is that whatever name my brother had stored his son's name as, that would pop up on his phone - in this case Number 1 Son. So I composed this.

"Dad.I can't tell you this to your face but I'm gay. And my arse doesn't half hurt."

And pressed the transmit button. Just at that split second I remembered that my brother had had a mild heart attack the previous month. Bugger! Spent the next few minutes frantically ringing him,getting an engaged tone and then re-dialling. I had these visions of him lying dead on the floor of his office, clutching his chest with one hand and his mobile with the other while that message scrolled across the screen pointing to my guilt.

Eventually I got through to him and explained that it was me that had spoofed the message. Turned out he had been sitting in the bog at work telling his wife that their beloved eldest son was batting for the other side. He was so relived that he promised to kill me quickly when we next met.

I remain,as usual,
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:09, Reply)

A very close shave.
A few years back I was in my mate's car with him on the way to the office and the conversation turned towards a colleague called Amanda who we were both quite chummy with. Shouting above the noise of his VW Beetle's engine I went on to describe in quite some detail the appalling and depraved acts that, given the chance, I'd like to subject her to (some of which I believe are only legal in Holland).
Now what I hadn't realised is that the keypad on my mobile (in my shirt pocket) wasn't locked and I'd managed some minutes before to dial the first number in the memory (AMANDA). It was only when we'd pulled up in the carpark and I'd looked at my 'phone that the terrible truth dawned on me.
Because Amanda was on an earlier shift her mobile was turned off, however, so whilst my mate diverted her attention I sneakily pinched it from her handbag and deleted the incriminating voicemail I'd unwittingly left for her, but not before having a quick listen.
It was bad. Really bad.
She never knew anything. Phew.

In case you're wondering, I never had any reason to apologise to her for length either. Or girth. ;(
( BobbyParadise, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:02, Reply)

Not exactly to the point...
but i lost a very close female friend of mine a couple of years ago by sending her a highly inappropriate text when completely off my face... i drank so much i passed out, couldn't stop being sick for the small hours yet somehow managed to wake up still pissed. The hangover didn't kick in properly till early afternoon... the message went something like "i'm pisse6oy and i fuckin love u, want fuck u since fday i met" or something equally incomprensible... the worst bit was i managed to type this bollocks into my mate's phone, he didn't even have her number so I put that in too! she no longer talks to me, barely said a word to me after the incident cos i upset her so much. And it wasn't true, i never thought those things in the waking world!
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 26 May 2005, 11:56, Reply)

That text I sent saying
I just spoke to the daft bitch and told her I'm working late, as long as I take a takeaway home she's okay. See you in the pub in 15 gorgeous x x x

Oh how the ex laughed at that one
(ray bentos, Thu 26 May 2005, 11:54, Reply)

i'm an artist, you know...
so a rather stunning ex gf want me to draw a few life drawings of her for her bf's b-day pressi.

and who am i to deny a good old friend a favour?

my then gf would not approve of that kind of thing, so i kept it quiet.

now said ex sent me a postcard and thanked me for her letting me see her bits. (which btw had paid tribute to gravity in the meantime but were still nice enough).

i put it on the wall along with all the other cards.

my then gf never read any of those.

the OHNOsecond came when i saw her in the kitchen with the card in her hand.

well... let's say her inconsistency let to a major crisis.

left me a few years later for the neighbour.
( bierbelly, Thu 26 May 2005, 11:53, Reply)

I want to lick your cock all over, big boy.



Whoops!
( dotmund .co.uk, Thu 26 May 2005, 11:48, Reply)