Pauline Calf
Loved the stand-up bit Steve Coogan used to do in the persona of Paul Calf's sister, especially the bit when she was talking about riding the actor who used to play Kojak:

"Look, Mum - I'm on Telly!"
(Capo, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 23:26, Reply)

Once
Years ago on Scottish TV as an example of how to go down a zipwire without faceplanting at the other end.

I have a friend who is a semi-pro film-maker and he wants my help later this year for a project of his that might end up on sale as a DVD. Does that count?
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 23:15, Reply)

A few things
I've been in crowd shots at various Gillingham home games, live gigs (Garbage on MTV's 5 Nite Stand in 2002, I can be seen in the crowd turning to a friend and mouthing "phwoar!") and I've walked past the local news cameras in town far too often.

But a few weeks ago my Dad gets a call from one of the members of his bike club. BBC Breakfast are doing a piece on the new swerve test (as has been recently added to the full motorbike test) and the controversy therein. Was he free to appear in the background riding a CB125 around a test circuit?

Well, no, as it turns out. But he quite happily nominates his first-born to take his place. Fine, says I, it's on my day off anyway. No problem. Need to be there at 6? That's great, doesn't even cut into my day.

It was at this point that I should have asked which 6 o'clock it was.

The night before I end up drinking rather more than I should, still assuming that it was filmed in the evening for the next day and that I would have time to recover. It came as a bit of a shock to be woken up at half past 5 with a mug of tea and a pleasant reminder that I was due at the test centre in half an hour and I would be dropped off by Dad on his way to work. Fucksocks.

Luckily my helmet (fnarr) hid my extremely peaky condition, and despite the shakes and the sweats I managed to ride around the circuit at slow speeds while the presenter did her bit to camera. They cut to a pre-recorded interview of the chap from Motorcycle Action Group and I dismounted, in search of more tea and fried pig products.

"That's great" said the cameraman/producer, "we're nearly done, we just need you to demonstrate the swerve test when we return from the clip."

"The sw-what?"

"What all this fuss is about. Just ride at those two cones at 30 mph and swerve around them."

This would be fine. It's a manoeuvre I've done hundreds of times while riding, and I'd have a helmet on to cover my shame, wouldn't I? I got the bike into position, took several deep breaths to calm my nerves and awaited the signal. As the show returned to the live feed I saw the cameraman wave and I set off, doing my damndest to keep the bike upright on wet tarmac. As I approached the cones at slightly less than the required speed I felt the bike wobble and the back end slip slightly. I held on and prayed I wouldn't bugger up Dad's mate's bike. As I passed the first cone I clipped it slightly, seeing it wobble but I made it round the second upright! I had done it! I'd not made a prat of myself on live TV! I'd passed a national bike test while hungover! I'd clearly not watched where I was going, and ridden into a privet hedge!

Arse.

I later found out that you could clearly see a few instructors doubled up with laughter in the background of the clip.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 23:14, 4 replies)

in soviet russia, tv watches you
Absolutely pasted on a fine smorgasboard of pills and other miscellany, wandering aimlessly around while dancing (or an approximation), only to come up against a _really_ fucking bright spotlamp and a whopping great big camera lens.

Afterwards I was told it was some film crew from Russian MTV(?) or whatever the equivalent would be. Quite what the hell they were doing in the the Glasgow School of Art on a Saturday was beyond me.

In any event, hopefully my spastic face has been broadcast far and wide over the former CCCP. Not really in the same league as News at Ten though, eh.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 23:06, 1 reply)

Christ, there's been a few times.
I'm a Roman reenactor, so we get a fair bit of work on TV and sometimes on film, too. As such, I've been in shows with Jon Culshaw, Bob Holness, Richard Harris and a few archeological TV-types.
Not as neat as the old man's resume - he's been in Gladiator, that god-awful abomination that was Gladiatress (with those Channel 4 comedy show bints), and a film that's coming out soon and looks like being quite big: www.imdb.com/title/tt1020558/
There's also been any number of celebrity-free history shows and generally speaking, the food is good and the hours are long. The longest was when we were running up a hill in soaking wet Viking gear in the rain at five in the morning. The phrase was uttered that any extra hates to hear: "Thats perfect - one more time!"
For some reason, all directors for these type of shows seem to think that the late Roman period was very smoky and foggy. The amount of 'atmosphere' (fake smoke) they get through is staggering. It also takes some time to get its way out of your hair.
I guess one of the best bits was a scene we filmed where I had to shoot an arrow to somewhere off-set and then turn to face a very large and hairy Saxon-type. I fumble to get an arrow on the string and as the guy comes closer, I stab the end of it into his face. He stops, midstride, with a puzzled look on his face and then spits a massive mouthful of fake blood all over me. I pull the arrow out of his face and then shoot it into someone else. Nice scene, but got cut in the end as it was apparently a bit blood-thirsty...
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Thu 11 Jun 2009, 22:32, Reply)

swearing on national tv? fuck yeah! with added extra gameshows
rather than whoring a repost in full, the story is here www.b3ta.com/questions/cringe/post314749

To which I hinted at appearing on another show, oh yes

So anyway, there's me oooh around 1994 and how I ended up on that bastion of student tv Win Lose or Draw.
They were looking for contestants at an audition in Brum. I was at Coventry uni at the time and one of the housemates was a childhood friend of the Coogans, and the one who eventually got thrown off Top gear for a drink drive rap was at the time doing the auditions, they were short a few heads so gave housey a ring, and we all trollied off to the audition and then went on a bit of a bender around Brum on the company credit card, awesome!

A couple of months later we all got letters and fuck me if I didn't win through! got a flight up to Glasgow, spent 30 mins in a taxi with a man whos accent was so broad you could have landed a plane on it.

Nothing remarkably amazing happened, I met Big Bob Mills, Kris "Yak yak yak" Akabusi, Andy Crane, Anna Walker and someone else, made a jokey student drugs gag that got edited out, won (a whopping £250, trophy and got to keep the A2 poster of the caricature of myself and my female contestant opposition which I still have to this day) missed my flight home and lost the VHS of my appearance.

Not sure this counts either but the first ever game of the ill-fated ITV digital was a League Cup match of Cambridge vs West Brom, the highlight of which was a mate ringing me at the game and asking me to shut the fuck up because apparently all they could here on the telly was some muffled commentary and me heartily and with great volume abusing the linesman!
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 22:08, Reply)

I was almost
in the audience of the Harry Hill show, had the tickets and everything.

After sitting in a traffic jam on the M25 for 6 hours on a Friday evening I decided to turn around and head back home.

That's as close as I've got to being on the telly.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 21:57, 2 replies)

I met Glyn
off of Big Brother once. He was outside Cardiff Central station interviewing people for Big Brother's Little Brother on that Celebrity one with Jade and Shilpa Poppadom etc. My contribution to that particular program was this:

Glyn: "So who would you vote out of the Big Brother house?"
Me (without hesitation): "Jade."
Glyn: "Why's that?"
Me: "Because she's an idiot."
Glyn: "Er-"
Me (interrupting): "She's an idiot!"

....the end.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 21:35, Reply)

Test Match Special
Me and my friend David went to Trent Bridge to watch England v New Zealand way back when (deep dark eighties I think). Players came off, and being the patriotic British that we were, we stood on our seats and clapped the players off, then continued drinking, catching the train home in time for the traditional (then) BBC highlights.

Imagine our surprise to see the entire credits played over two fine figures of men, applauding like goons.

Length? About 75 seconds as I recall!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 21:35, Reply)

My brush with music industry stardom
I, along with several friends, can be seen in a music video for the band Less Than Jake. Don't remember which one, but I do remember it being quite a bit of fun.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 21:21, 4 replies)

Rubbish
Some (OK, many) years back myself and my 2 housemates ran a Counter-Strike clan. It was moderately popular and our two servers often had many regulars.
One day one of the guys we had been playing against told us he worked for a production company and they wanted to do a segment for (presumably now defunct) Dot TV on online gaming. As we had a good reputation and seemed personable he wondered if we would be up for an interview.
For some reason we agreed and arrangements were made.

Being three twentysomething males living together working during the day and playing CS all night the house resembled a street in an Indian slum. Great efforts were made the day before to gather all the rubbish, pizza boxes, dead rodents etc, and placed into bin bags. As they wanted to film us playing the games and them talking about it in front of our PCs we figured we would dump all the rubbish bags and other stuff we didnt want on-screen into the living room which was a bomb-site anyway.

The guys came to film. We would do a practice runthrough first.
He asked the questions, I answered fluidly, eloquently and interestingly.
Immeadiately we do a rerun, this time filmed. I amswer stagnatedly, mumbly and like I have an IQ of 4.
The other members of the household (and other, local members of the clan we asked over) do their bits and all is good...

...except, the filmers want a final group shot of us all together eating pizza and having a good time.
The only place we can do this is, yep, the living room. "Dont worry" say the film crew, rapidly running out of time and herding us into the room "It will be a quick pan shot". They assure us it wont be on screen long enough for anyone to notice it looks like the municiple dump with windows.

We probably would have got away with it if the Men at work sign purloined from a recent drunken stagger home hadn't done a really good job of reflecting the lighting like some sort of silver beacon.



A year or so later we also were on short-lived gaming show 'Mercenaries' hosted by Mr Gadget, professional baldy Jason Bradbury, lured with promises of playing CS for prizes.
A team of us trooped down to Londons Playing Fields where we were informed there would be no CS and instead some games we have never heard of including a flight sim which we had to draw straws for the unlucky team member to play.
It went downhill from there.
We were trounced by a group of schoolboys.
One of our team had his manly online name misheard and put onscreen as something like it was out of the Carebears.
The prize cupboard was mysteriously 'locked' and no-one could find the keys. Prizes would be sent on.

Bradbury, if you are reading this, we haven't forgotten! Message me and we can arrange where to post Suzi Perry. I may accept a 'win' of the Gadget Show prize as an alternative apology.
(Baj does Minecraft - http://www.youtube.com/w92baj, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 21:03, Reply)

Pleased as Punch
When you come from a family that work in the meeja, you get the occasional odd opportunity. We knew someone that was making a documentary about Punch and Judy, and they wanted to talk about how it had found its way into popular culture. At this time, you didn't get more 'popular culture' than the new phenomenon of home computer games, and as it happened, there was a Mr Punch game.

So one day we get a delivery of a console and a game. Fuck alone knows what platform it was on - I remember some kind of cartridge. All I do remember was that it was the worst game I'd ever played - and a good few years out of date to this veteran of the best the ZX Spectrum had to offer. It was a bunch of screens where you had to get from one side to the other, occasionally jumping over some shit, and at the end it would shout 'Rock the Baby'. It was truly awful, but it was a game and I played it.

A couple of days later I went to someone's house and was filmed pretending to play the game for half an hour or so. Then they took the piece of crap game away and I went back to Alien 8.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 20:55, 3 replies)

If you ever come across a programme about blind people and guide dogs
that was filmed on the concourse at Waterloo Station, I'm in the background trying desperately to ninja out of shot with my lunch as I realise that the camera is pointing at me.

We were filmed at work for an internal video the other week, and that was embarrassing enough; now the whole company will see what a mong I look when deep in concentration.
( Maladicta, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 20:39, Reply)

I was on Japanese TV. Possibly
Michinoku Pro is/was a Japanese Wrestling promotion. For reasons best known to themselves they sent six of their big names - plus camera crew - over to ...Portsmouth. I went. Not a bad night out, actually.
Anyway, a few months later I got hold of a bootleg VHS of the event and lo and behold, there's a hairy Big D shambling past the camera and waving mongishly.
(There was a book came out too.I bought it on the off-chance that the photo of me shaking hands with the Great Sasuke might be in it. It wasn't and if there is mention of yours truly therein I shall never know, it being written in a language I can't actually read.)

Oh yes, the back of my head was on Salvage Squad once.
(Big D, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 20:34, Reply)

I was on the Peoples Book of Records
For the "longest widdle"... a polite way of saying piss.
It was meant to be filmed tastefully, so g/f at the time has her entire family watching the show, grandparents included

Tastefully filmed by arse, I suppose I can claim that not only do I have the record but 15million odd people have seen my cock
(beardybeardbeard, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 20:08, 2 replies)

I was supposed to be.
From 1999 to 2001 I did some research that got the attention of the mainstream media. I was a minor celebrity in the small field of insect repellents, but West Nile Virus was hot news here at the time, so my work got noticed.

I was interviewed by CNN for a segment that was to air on September 12, 2001. They had other news to talk about that day, though.
Thanks for nothing, Bin Laden.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:55, 1 reply)

Anyone remember ITV Telethon?
It was like Children in Need, only shit. They had the main fundraising in the studio then cut to various regional locations to show what the locals were doing to raise money. Me, being seven, decided that I really needed to see a third rate STV presenter, who's name escapes me, drinking, swearing and chain smoking when he was not on air and I persuaded my dad to take me down to the city square. The presenter grabbed me and said "Can you sing?". I tried to speak and he said "Good" then someone shoved a microphone into my hand and I was told I was on.

Somewhere, there is a tape of my younger self singing "I Should be so Lucky" on television. This is the reason I can't become famous.

I was also in the crowd of "Get Fresh" and was nearly interviewed by Gaz Top but some bitch pushed in front of me at the last minute.
(allthatglittersisglitter, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:43, 3 replies)

The shame (sort of)
My whole family played key parts in the ninth episode of Bergerac (the one with the dead Luftwaffe pilot). My speaking part consisted of pointing out a corpse to my mum whilst my sister got to scream at a skeletal Nazi pilot as it surfaced under our glass bottomed boat.

Things learnt:
BBC breakfasts really are bloody good.
£25 and two days off school for a six/seven year old back in those 1980s was like winning the lottery.
Never eat an entire box of strawberry Cornettos on a boat because the director isn't happy with the ice cream drop sequence. Chunders.

Boring edit:
Have also been interviewed for charity stuff and appeared in the crowd at two football matches on MOTD including World Cup. Mrs rsrd_jsy has been a guest on the evening news to discuss legal implications of important things and stuff but that's no fun so sod her.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:38, Reply)

Family Board Games...
I once appeared on a regional news programme playing board games with my mum, dad and brother as backing for a item on how playing games as a family can keep you all together. The fact that my parents had been divorced and living apart for the best part of 3 years at the time didn't seem to matter.

I've also appeared on a couple of Robson Green dramas but the stories that accompany them are about as interesting as the drama series themselves.
(darkmavis86, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:30, Reply)

Fuck that...
...I truly am That Bloke Over There (AKA Background Boy) and as such I avoid such exposure as if one second of it would induce a rash on my dick. I've been known to avoid camera crews when I've seen them there and about. Don't even like having my photo taken, if I'm honest.

I think I've said before (possibly in the last incarnation of this QOTW): Anyone who wants my 15 minutes can have them.

I should point out that it's not just me living up to the title - the mindset was there long before I came up with the name. I'd wonder what it says about me, but it's probably not that important.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:23, Reply)

I once..
sang a Karaoke version of Rio with Duran Duran on live telly.

One of them has really bad dandruff, another has really bad breath and I gurned like a retard for the whole song.

Painful.
(thants, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:22, Reply)

Da-duh, da-duh, da-duh-la-da..... BONG!
I haven't previously mentioned this on here (which is surprising - for some reason, I end up telling most people I meet), but a few years back, whilst at university, I appeared on Countdown*.

*For any non-UK b3tans, Countdown is a UK game show based on word and number games, mainly anagrams and the like - think spelling tests without the excitement.

The story begins (as all of my posts seem to) with a drunken wager - I bet two friends from my course that I could get on national TV before them. We thought our way through the daytime TV schedule (we were students - this was our lifeblood). Having briefly toyed with the idea of applying for a cameo role as Bouncer's stunt double in Neighbours, I decided on Countdown, whilst my mates settled on Supermarket Sweep*.

*Again, non-UKers - Supermarket Sweep was a gameshow set in, well... a supermarket. Think getting the groceries. In day-glo sweatshirts.

Although I do have a bit of a natural propensity for solving anagrams, this wasn't the main reason for attempting to get on the show. I had actually thought this through a little bit - at the time, I was at university in Leeds, and it was a mere 10-minute walk from my house, down Cardigan Road to the Countdown studio.

Who says students are lazy?

Anyway, I applied to the show, got called in for an audition... and then didn't hear anything for months. I decided that I probably hadn't been successful, and when Supermarket Sweep got cancelled (with my mates' application still outstanding), all thoughts of the bet left my mind.

Left my mind, that is, until a grey morning in the following November, when the phone disturbed my hungover sleep at about 10.30am;

"Hmmmm?"

"Hi, is that TheMagicDwarf?"* (They used my real name, but you get the picture)

*muffled grunts*

"Great, this is Lively McHyper*, production assistant at Countdown. We've had a cancellation for today's show, and was wondering if you could do us a MASSIVE favour and stand in today?"

*Probably not her actual name. She was Scottish though

"Ermmm... yeah, sure"

"Great! See you in half an hour!"

"Yeah, brillia... HALF AN HOUR?"

"OK, thanks, bye!"

And so I had drunkenly agreed to appear on national TV. Fucksocks. It's fair to say I was in no fit state to appear in MY living room, let alone a couple of million living rooms around the country.

I jumped into a very cold shower, and set off down the road, leaving the sort of note for my housemates I wish I could leave more often:

Gone out for a bit - going for a walk then appearing on national TV in front of millions of people. See you later.

Oh, and can you get some milk?

Cheers,
TMD

Memories from before the show are minimal. The only things I can remember is the make-up department worrying that I looked "a bit peaky" (the hangover was in full swing by this point), and leering a bit over mutton-as-lamb merchant Carol Vorderman. Also, when asked for my hobbies (to be used in one of Richard Whiteley's pun-laden intros), I couldn't think of anything else besides going to the pub with my mates. Nothing. As the researcher who had asked me walked off, I'm sure I heard her mutter under her breath: "yeah, it fucking smells like it, too"

As it happened, though, the hangover actually helped my performance on the show - probably taking the edge off any nerves the presence of the cameras might have prompted. A few rounds passed, and I was actually winning. I even got confident enough to throw a little wink to the camera when I got an 8-letter word (PAINTERS. My best mate's surname is Painter, and when he watched the show he thought the wink was for him. I hadn't even made the connection)

The PAINTERS round had almost ended in disaster - with 2 seconds left the only word I had was PENIS - 5 letters. I feared I was going to have to use the line "I've only got a small one, Richard" (fnarr, fnarr)

Towards the end of the show I was even trying to chat up Carol Vorderman. I had forgotten this until I saw it back on TV, but on one numbers round, I asked her to "give me two big ones from the top, and whatever you like from down below" (fnarrs all round again)

At the end of the show, I had somehow dragged my drunken shambolic arse across the finishing line and had won. This meant I had to do it all again, but this time sober. I went back to the studios a few days later (they film a week's worth of shows in a day, but my first show was aired on a Friday), and actually won two more shows before being eventually defeated by a particularly self-satisfied Geordie bloke (obviously the bitterness has passed. Sort of)

Edited highlights of the three other shows follow:

1. The producer coming to tell "Dictionary Corner" guest Pam Ayers that she should confer in a quieter voice, after I got the same word that they did 3 rounds in a row (never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, me)

2. Carol Vorderman: "Do you want two big ones again, TMD?"
TMD: "Like you wouldn't believe"
(That got cut from the show in the end, I was laughing too much)

3. Me, upon losing: "Thanks, I've had a lovely day" (attempting to use the classic gameshow loser's catchphrase)
Richard Whiteley, attempting to maintain the facade of a live show:
"Well, you've had a lovely four days!"
Me: "Yeah sure, ermm... whatever" (articulate to the last)

So, 3 victories on a national gameshow. Prizes galore and riches beyond my wildest dreams, you may think? Well, you'd be wrong. There was a t-shirt, mug, coaster, board game, electronic game and pen, all proudly bearing the Countdown insignia. There was also a big dictionary, and to top it all off, a Countdown teapot (which actually made a Christmas present for my Nan - I was a skint student, novelty freebies were the best I could do).

However, the real perks from victory and the minor celebrity it brought came when the shows were finally aired. I had already joked with my mates about the certain increase in sex appeal that my new-found stardom would bring, only to be told that the only action I would be getting would be with the blue-rinse brigade.

So you could imagine my delight and surprise when - out on town drinking to celebrate the airing of my third and final victory, and therefore my last day as "reigning champion" - I was accosted in a city centre bar by a shrieking Yorkshirewoman (who I later found to be called Lisa) and the words I'd been waiting to hear: "I recognise you off the telly"

Drinks were bought, studio anecdotes (mainly fictional) were regaled and, as they tend to in QOTW, one thing led to another. Before you could say 'improbable pulling technique', I was creeping upstairs in a mysterious house on the outskirts of Bradford, heeding Lisa's warnings to "keep the fooking noise down".

I had noticed a few children's toys on the way upstairs, and also that Lisa was, I reckoned, a few years older than me (for I was 19 at the time).

"Lisa, these toys - do they belong to your kid?"

"Nope, they're my housemates kids, don't worry - I've not got any nippers"

That question seemingly settled, we retired to her room and made wild, passionate love until the sun rose into the beautiful Yorkshire sky.

Well, either that or I drunkenly fumbled with her top before managing what could at best be described as a semi lob-on, and engaged in half an hour of an exercise best compared with trying to get toothpaste back in the tube.

When I awoke in the morning, I was gingerly redressing, and couldn't help but notice that Lisa looked a little older in the morning light than she had in the bar and taxi the night before. Too much of a gentleman(?) to ask her age outright, I tried to gauge from other factors:

"Lisa, how old's your housemate?"

"Erm, seventeen"

"Really? How old's her kid then?"

"18 months, she was 16 when she had him. Same as I was when I had her. I probably should have mentioned last night, but... my housemate? She's actually my daughter"

Countdown - Grannies love it. Even 34-year-old ones.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:15, 20 replies)

Jeremy Kyle
Being (at the time) an avid purveyor of daytime TV, a couple of years ago, I and my friend Charlotte found ourselves on the train to Manchester to be in the audience for the last bastion of airing of dirty laundry, the Jeremy Kyle show.

(Just for the record, it was horrific. They sit you down and make you practice 'booing' for an hour. Then the man himself, Jezza, comes out. He obviously thought he was the shiz, and we were just commoners... insulting us in a 'comical' way and suchlike. He is waaay short, and, contrary to what he says, his name is not on the wall, so he is also a liar. I never watched it again apart from *my* episode)

Anyways, to get to the nub and the crux of the story, one of the things Charlotte and I were excited about was the possibility of seeing Graham, the shows 'psychomatherapologist' and all round cult-figure. (This is important).

We had arrived in Manchester, been given the titles for the show (pretty standard, 'Brother, how could you betray me?' and suchlike), and gone to take our seats. Charlotte and I were slap bang in the middle, on the front row. YAYWE'REGONNABEONTV!!! So, we were on our best behaviour. There was to be no picking of noses, lots of pouting and sitting in a ladylike manner was the order of the day.

The show commenced, it was pretty dull, apart from one story which was about a man who was dying of alcoholism. He had come on the show to show a video diary of what it was like to be a horrendous alcoholic. Strangely, for this kind of show, it was actually quite moving. (This is also important)

We went home and thought nothing of it until the date I knew it would be broadcast. I took the day off college and settled down, to see how much I could be seen. For most of it, all you could see was the top of our heads, as they had filmed the audience who was higher up. That is, until the alcoholic had just shown his video diary and Jezza announced that the wonder-that-is-Graham was going to come on. Then the camera suddenly pans the audience, where everyone is looking suitably downcast at how shit this guy's life is.... and Charlotte and I are grinning like loons and giving each other the thumbs up... oops. We has let our guards down and ended up looking like total bitches. Meh.

Length? I told you, he's waaay short...


I was also on SMTV and managed to piss off Ant and Dec, in a children's quiz show to celebrate the Millennium and a regular on a CITV show... I'll post the stories if anyone wants them, but I'm feeling a bit lazy atm.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:03, Reply)

Trying to drum up some business
I made a patent application for an aftermarket add-on that would change the aspect ratio of your TV set (back before widescreen was invented) because anyone old enough to remember will recall that there weer black bands at the top and bottom of the picture when watching SNES or MegaDrive screens- mainly because 525-line video hardware (fine for US and Japan) didn't fit all 625-lines on a UK TV.

Called the regional ITV station, asked if they would be so kind as to publicise my invention- as luck would have it, slow news day (in Cornwall this is often, hence so many news items about village fetes and sponsored bike rides)so they sent round a reporter and a cameraman.

The bloke gave a standard blurb and then asked me to explain what my invention was.

9 takes it took me, I kept forgetting words in the English language after 15 seconds, but eventually they took some generic footage pertaining to the item (you know the kind of thing, e.g. 'Local man is charged £5000 for phone bill by mistake' and they show the man and his wife looking at his phone bill with a sad expression) and we're all done.

Neatly edited to a 45-second news item for Western Cornwall. Unfortunately, fuck all came of it as after the SNES and Megadrive, the console companies sorted it out, and now every man's dog's TV can flip between about 5 aspect rations. BASTARDS!

apology for lack of hummus. Just is trufax.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:02, Reply)

Not me
But Sky Real Lives filmed in my bedroom recently, for an angel program. I think they used my teddy (as well as my bed and bedroom).
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 18:55, Reply)

I just remembered this
As a nipper aged about ten, I was on a kid's TV show Magpie, expressing my view that zoo's are cruel because they imprison animals.

Somewhat ironic given I now work at one
( Jahled Three shades of black, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 18:49, 3 replies)

I've been on
North West tonight twice. Once when being interviewd for a bit about ITV investing in Liverpool Football Club (Back when Sky had bought about 0.003% of Man Utd and LFC wanted a similar cash + appearances on telly deal) and it making the club beholden to them in some way. The second time was about something utterly random like litter in parks or some such stupidity I didn't really pay attention to. Anyway in both instances, as in the bedroom, I was on for about three seconds and then gone.

It was a shame really as in the first time interview I gave a quite interesting (read: long winded and boring as toast) account of the pros and cons of the deal for both parties including a brief side-bar into the regeneration of the area. The second time I was drunk and tired and didn't know what was happening until people laughed at me that evening.
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 18:45, Reply)

Interviewed by the BBC for a news item about the Skye Bridge protests
(bit of background, the bridge linking the Isle of Skye had the most expensive tolls in Europe on any bridge, and there were a lot of questions as to whether it was legal to have a toll).

Cue shot of scruffy beardy 22-year-old me at a protest outside the High Court in Edinburgh. Looming somewhat over the Skye Bridge Company chairman. Cut to another shot, close in, with scruffy beardy bike jacket and cutoffs Gordonjcp making an unusually articulate point about the New Roads and Streets Act 1991, and SBC chairman spluttering and bluffing through his reply. Hohoho.
(gordonjcp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 18:43, Reply)

Repost: Gerald Durrell and The Saturday Show
This one has already appeared a few weeks ago, but it's relevant here too.

When I was young, my biggest hero was Gerald Durrell. I read everything he wrote over and over (actually, I've just been rereading them all for the first time in years and still loving them). I mentioned this to a friend of ours who worked as a researcher on a Saturday morning kids' show. She said 'Oh my god, you should write in - we've been wanting to get him on the show for ages'

So I wrote in. The show had a 'dream come true' spot - a Jim'll Fix It clone where kids could write in and get something they always wanted. A few weeks later my mum told me they'd written back to say I wouldn't be getting my dream come true, but Durrell would be coming on the show and would I like to go? Which I naturally did.

The show was bloody awful (my biggest memory is being told during the commercial break that they were going to be playing some music when they came back in, and they wanted us all to pretend to be headbanging to it). And then came the Dream Come True bit, and I was astonished to see my face on the screen and my name read out. My evil mum had lied to me - and you could clearly see my mouth going 'what the...?'

So they flew us out to Jersey for a four-day holiday, and I got to be shown round the zoo by the great beardy one himself. He was lovely, and I was a precocious child with an incredibly posh accent. I got on the Channel Island news and said some cringeworthy things ('You said you'd really like to go on a collecting trip with him but you didn't think it would be possible, why's that?' 'Well, these things are really expensive, you know? And also I don't think I'd really have the time'). But all in all, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 18:24, 1 reply)