"O" Level Geography
I wrote an essay about energy supplies, and the big Groningen natural gas field in Norway. Drew a little map of Norway showing where Groningen was and everything.

Turns out the bastard is in Holland.

I got a "B" btw, so presumably I got comedy bonus points.
(rogerzilla, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 18:26, Reply)

The pervert down the street - erm I guess that would be me
A girl from the down the street babysat our kids one night for the 1st time. Everything seemed okay when we returned.

Next day I logged onto Hotmail and found someone else's email name in the little box! It was "Eatsleepride_24/7", or something like that.

Aha! Said the suspicious voice in my head - hubby has an internet 'alter-ego' and is ordering porn and conversing with 14 yr olds on the web. I'll show him.

So I go into Hotmail and make up my own new address, "Easyrider" or something as saucy. And I send a tempting, VERY naughty email to this person, thinking, a)it will be anonymous and, b)if he responds, he will be caught red handed.

As I hit send, I get a sudden panic attack, and thinking - I'd better check that it was anonymous, I send an email to my regular email address and find (through some weird Hotmail thingy I still can't fathom) it HAS MY NAME ALL OVER IT.

Sooooo, I fess up to hubby, feeling really stupid, and he says "That's not my email address". At which point it all comes crashing down on me. It was the BABYSITTER who was online and using hotmail while we were out. A quick check through the history files and cookies confirms this.

At this point I send my husband over the street to apologise for my appalling, perverted behaviour. (And to give her shit for being on our computer in the first place).

Apparently: internet super-sleuthing is WAY out of my depth.

Strangely enough, she has never agreed to babysit for us again....
(Peelmytangerines, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 18:03, Reply)

I am a Stupid American
Okay, so I'm standing in front of my tenth grade American history class, dressed up in drag as General Grant--with the cigar and the fake military decorations and everything. And I'm going on about the Civil War and all.

General Grant was, in addition to being a Civil War general, also the 17th or 18th president of the United States. I didn't know that, though. I know it *now*, but I didn't know it at the time.

So after I get done going on about the Civil War, teacher says, "now, what about the presidency?"

Wow. Out of my depth. I'm standing up there in a General Grant costume with no *clue* as to what she's on about. Was she on about Lincoln? No..A previously unknown section of my brain vaguely, vaguely remebered hearing of a President Grant..I wasn't even sure if it was the same guy, though. "The presidency, it was swell," I said, mangling my cigar. And that was it. It's not like you can BS history, you know.

I'm not normally that stupid about history, I promise. I'd gotten like five sources about General Grant for this project and not one of them mentioned him being the freaking president, so it's not like I was slack.

I got a B+. It was a nice costume.
(fantastic german, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 17:47, Reply)

drunk and in deep
when i just started my current job, my boss thought it would be a good idea for me to go on a leg of a bus tour round scotland with a load of education bigwigs.

trouble was, i got arseholed at a pals emigrating party the night before and woke up drunk 10 minutes before the bus was due to leave uddingston (town near glasgow, but not near my flat). so i tore off in my wrecked mini, and finally caught up with the bus near stirling. i abandoned the car and jumped on teh bus.

this was the first part of the day when i realised i might be out of my depth. they were having facilitated group discussions on some dull education topic. so i just joined in - i talk to anyone when im drunk - but being new i hadnt realised i joined the table with my MD and all these senior civil servants and business leaders. i stank of booze, and became very aware of my surroundings.

second out of depth experinece that day: later, after a visit to a dull primary school, the bus tootled off up the country roads to perth which made me be very sick indeed in the bus toilet. evryone surely heard the boaking, but i'm sure they all appreciated the wet boak on my trousers from where i missed the pan.

the day continued like this for a while.

final out of depth experience of the day: we went to a special residential school for very heavily monged children. we were split up for individual visits - somehow i pulled the visit to the "sensory room" where young classroom assistant girls give the mongkids head massages to ambient music and psychedlic visuals. i passed out, and was actually left to doze for a while.

at the end of the day, we reconvened in the hall, where the spacks put on a "show". bloody hell, i have never laughed so heartily at spack activity - some where just wandering about teh stage just moooing; others were strapped to their chairs and slapping their hands off bongos; one big fucker just stood there holding a candle, just staring at teh flame and barking every so often. pure spacker comedy gold for me, but looking around me - tears of pride and sympathy were flowing down the faces of my more succesful (and less hungover) fellow travellers. they did not approve of my behaviour.

i couldnt face getting back on the bus and got the train home to glasgow. i forgot about my car for two days, it was nearly a week before i could get back up to collect it.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 17:16, Reply)

stupidity..
After a night out in St All-bums, On the train back, get talking to some girls opposite, and in the reasonably drunk state decide i'll go with them into london for clubbing. It's fine until they meet their friends there, (i know NO-body), who decide to drive to leicester square. Now being 7 people and one car, i ended up in the boot, (this was a completely shut off boot, i.e, no escape), and driving around.. Only for the police to stop them for having 4 people in the back seat.. Somehow they never opened to the boot, don't go off with strange women now ..
(b3tauser4, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 16:09, Reply)

Shouldn't you be in a lesson?
Stevie... What are you doing posting on the messageboard at this time of day? Shouldn't you be in a class room (or playing football with jumpers for goal posts)? At least I've got the excuse of being bored at work sat in front of a PC!
(Fully Goyle what?, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 16:05, Reply)

i once posted a rant on an internet site, criticising the good majority
of posters and making absolutely no worth-while contribution whatsoever! boy, did I feel silly.

..

Oh no wait, that wasn't me !!
( stevierar, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 15:58, Reply)

Exam
I had an exam last week but I was too cool to do any revision. I turned up for said exam and realised I couldn't read. * ** ***

* 1. That was all a lie as I finished school years ago.
** 2. If any more f**cking stupid 14 year olds post messages complaining about sh1tty exams I'm going to be upset.
*** 3. If you're too dumb to revise for exams you should be made to work as a brick layer wearing only rockport shoes, timberland sweatshirts and burberry caps.

That's enough for now.

DT

P.S. is there any way we can stop under 18's from reading/posting on this site?
(Fully Goyle what?, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 15:48, Reply)

This guy out of his depth...
Funnily enough I always manage to blag my way through things, but that doesn't matter.
One time, long ago, I was a sixth former, and sitting in the common room, a wannabe hard-,man asks me "oi, wot yoo lookin' at?", now i'm wearing shades and am somewhat bemused as to his assumption that i'm looking at him, this questioning goes on for a while, and I end up telling him where to go.
So he picks up a chair, now being renowned at my sixth form as an assassin/spy/convict/general nutcase, I pull out from my bag, a scalpel and the chain I usually use to lock up my bike, three teachers come marching out of the sixth form office, disarm him, and completely ignoring me, march him away... Scary what you can get away with when you've got a strange reputation.
(thermal_assault, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 15:30, Reply)

I just got my final project.
Errors in Particle image velocimetry. I am currently out of my depth, with sharks circling since I foolishly arranged a meeting with my supervisor on friday, and have a whole pile of reading that looks like a foreign language.
(Timmy (Esq), Wed 20 Oct 2004, 15:02, Reply)

Boss : hey you! re-make our company website!
Me : eh? me? but i have absolutely no experience in web design!
Boss : fine. use this book then.
Me : but this is "HTML for Dummies". the company website uses javascript and other stuff which ... i have absolutely no experience in! what happened to the professional web designers you hired?
Boss : oh, they went snow-boarding and say they're not coming back. you've got six weeks.
Me : fucknuts.
( MBar And now back to your regularily scheduled lurking., Wed 20 Oct 2004, 14:59, Reply)

Seemed like a good (drunken) idea at the time.
I got to know a lesbian couple through work - really nice girls, only interest in life=drinking and having a laugh, so we got on famously (and the fact that I'm totally non-threatening to the opposite sex, weird that).

Went round to their flat on Saturday afternoon for a party on their rooftop garden (very cool!) and everyone got very, very blotted.

Suddenly I realise I'm the only straight male at the party - then someone suggests we go to a club - that's right, as lesbian club.

Out of my depth - it was the ones with shaven heads and leather jackets and bigger muscles than me that did it. Exit, quickly.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 14:48, Reply)

Twas the second year of university
and my housemate and I had enjoyed the student life a little too much and had done no revision for the following day's two exams.

Needless to say, we did an all-night revision session but by 7am we had only done enough work to answer one small part of one exam (if we were lucky enough for the right question to come up on the paper).

What to do with the next 2 hours before we had to set off? Of course. we wrote a message on the wall behind the radiator

"Please give us the answers to the two exams today" and dated it.

The plan was that our 'future selves' would turn up at about 8am with the answers. The hour from 7am to 8am was spent getting excited at the prospect of meeting ourselves (we had had a lot of Red Rooster), and if they didn't turn up, would it mean that we didn't need the answers or did it mean that our future selves had perished trying to get the answers to us? We were taking this whole thing deadly seriously.

Needless to say, they didn't arrive and when the time came we were completely out of our depth, but it still brings a smile to my face remembering my mates words at 7.55am.

"I'm off for a shit. Give us a shout when they get here"
( Spunkmeyer, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 14:34, Reply)

Primary School, Wizards and Guitars :-S
Well, when I was a young'un, I had somewhat of an active interest in the performing arts so naturally I participated in the schools drama group.
We were due to put on a play (can't remember what it was about to be honest) and they asked if anyone could play any musical instruments. Me, having taken guitar lessons for a grand total of 3 weeks and being about 8 years old, was a tad over confident in my abilitys so I shouted, "Well miss, IIIIIIII play the GUITAR!!!"
Silly bint actually believed me so next thing I new, I was sitting in front of the whole school on a stage, dressed up as a wizard and holding a guitar whilst being suitably shit scared. (I'd like to add that from what little I do remember of the plot, wizards and guitars were suitably out of place).
So, I then begin to pluck out a rather moving rendtion of jingle bells (again, it wasn't christmas :-S) stand up and walk off the stage with a completely blank look on my face.
Looked like a bit of a tit really.
(Ben263tinsley, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 13:07, Reply)

Window cleaning is the most dangerous job in the UK - here's why...
My firm makes industrial safety products that are really REALLY important and on which people's lives depend. I do marketing and PR however and have no engineering qualifications AT ALL.

I recently attended a meeting, as an observer, at British Standards Institute (the guys responsible for kite marks). The meeting was to create a new standard for the type of kit we make, and I had jotted down a few suggestions just in case I WAS asked to contribute.

If only anybody else had done the same.

Suffice it to say that I was the ONLY fucker with anything to contribute AT ALL and the new 'standard' consists in fact of the uninformed bobbins I came up with on the tube to Chiswick. This, it seems, is the way or country's health and safety beaurocracy works and I feel we should ALL be afraid.

I do not wish to identify what it is we make but I will say this: if anybody is reading this at the top of a ladder - come down now. SLOWLY.
(scunnydelight, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 11:08, Reply)

Last year, first semester.
Module called "Computational modelling", described by everyone as "pretty easy maths". No problem, I've always been good at maths...

After managing to avoid going to about 85% of the lectures, I attempt the coursework one day before it's due in. My mark: 7%. Noice.

Not having learned from my mistake, I apply the same strategy to the exam. My mark: 60%!!

Giving me an overall score for the unit of 46%, which drags my average waaaaaaay down, but at least it's a pass...
And I learned to at least put a bit of effort into every unit, no matter how crap it is :)
(Nothing to see, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 10:10, Reply)

job interview
Told them I could speak eight languages. They asked me to prove it. Gah. Khmer, Thai and Russian. What was I thinking?
(junglejim, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 5:12, Reply)

Alright
Once I was taking a vocab quiz for English. I hadn't even looked at the words. I guessed on 4 (got two right) and answered "Bugger" for the other six. Got the paper back saying "This is not appropriate - Last Warning!!"

I've gotten nothing but perfect scores since.
(Digitdean: Disappointing Fans Since 1989!, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 3:57, Reply)

Posted in a b3ta question of the week
Many times, to always be met with ridicule. Never learn.
(Kaer, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 3:13, Reply)

similar to krang's Our Price experience...
...I went for an interview at Our Price in Doncaster when I was but 17 years old. Interview seemed to be going well, when the bloke interviewing me asked me if I knew any jokes. Of course, I said, and proceeded to tell a joke (I don't remember the details of it) that was in some way kind of offensive to Welsh people.

Guess what?

He was Welsh.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. Friend of mine went for the same job, was offered it and then turned it down. Bastard.

Another time was more recent at a music festival in Doncaster where, at the last minute, I was the compere. Now, all this involved was introducing the bands and then fucking off of the stage.

Could I manage this?

The answer: Yes. But not until I'd drank 13 pints of ale. At 2 in the afternoon. Never again.
( Biscuitzs -.. . -- ----- ...- -.- --. -.-, Wed 20 Oct 2004, 1:58, Reply)

The Imp!
.."I am a fish" for all your exam questions?

..are you ARNOLD RIMMER?

(edit: if you didn't know - Arnie in Red Dwarf done the same thing, and then fainted. I might watch too much of that).
( stevierar, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 22:32, Reply)

"you suffocate people..?"
Ok, to start with - i'm not very good at languages. Never have been, never will be. This all came to a point in my year nine French speaking exam. I am particularly poor at French, so i was happily bluffing my way through this exam, until my teacher asked me "how do you help around the house?" Glancing down at my snazzy yellow card, i spotted a picture of a vaccuum cleaner. ah ha, i pre-emptively thought. i sat and thought for a while, before the word for vaccuum cleaner came to me in flash of glorious, romantic French. "Je passe le asphixiator!" i announced, to be met by a grim silence. i was confused at this point, surely this was my moment of glory? "No," said the teacher, "that means you suffocate people around the house. Get out." The word for vaccuum cleaner turns out to be aspirateur (or something), not... asphixiator - I think she thought i was taking the piss. I can't really blame her. I'd been learning French for eight years at that point.
(imitation, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 22:31, Reply)

"I am a fish and fish can't do science"
Once upon a time the Imp was actually fairly intelligent. this would have been 3rd yr of secondary school (yr 9?). And, as a result, for the SATS science test I, along with a few others were given the chance to do an extension paper to take us up to level 8.
Piece of cake. I'd breezed the Maths one, so figured this would be similar.

I have not been so wrong for a very long time (excluding maths A Level, that actually made me cry...got my A tho but that's a different story).

So anyway, bright spark enters exam room fairly chilled, I can bollocks this up and all will be ok. I've not revised, and never do. Open exam paper. WTF??? Did I have a bloody clue what they were on about? None. So I panicked for a while. Then got bored.
Boredom is a dangerous thing to a 14 year old. I decided I would write down, instead of the correct answers, an amalgamation of ALL the scientific knowledge I possessed. This, as far as I remember, included me drawing a diagram of a horse's leg bones (I'm a girl, I still hadn't got into boys). In fact, that was it. I then proceeded to answer questions with the line
"I am a fish"
For the final question I had decided to write a lovely letter to the poor person who'd had to sift through the paper for any sensible answers. In an attempt to get my (now extremely hyper and giggling) self out of trouble I apologised and then gave the explanation for my crapness as, as I had said previously "I am a fish and fish can't do science".

All this would have been wonderful enough, but as a parting gesture I'd decided to quote a friend of mine saying "Fish like to fly high in the sky at night". And other such meaningful proverbs, on any blank paper within the exam booklet. They must have been pissing themselves when they marked that.

Result? Well, I didn't pass, thank God it was externally marked! But I managed to just miss out on the level 8, which was a f*ck of a lot better than all my other mates did. Plus I was laughing all day while they were stressing. Yay!! One up for silliness. And, I have used this technique to good effect during my degree. Talk bollocks and confuse the lecturers. Think it's gonna backfire at some point?
(Imp of destruction, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 22:12, Reply)

How not to speak German
Went on holiday somewhere in the Mediterranean not long after sitting my O-Levels. I'm walking along the beach when a couple ask me for directions.

They were Germans. I'd just done a German O-Level. Like Clint Eastwood in "Firefox" I heard a little voice telling me to "think in German".

I can remember this magical feeling of grammatically correct German forming itself in my mind. I wasn't translating "go straight on and turn left", oh no, the *actual fricking german* was there, in my head, just waiting to be spoken.

It was an epiphany.

Until I opened my mouth. I gave them directions in English, but delivered in the worst mock-German SS commandant accent you've ever heard.

From that day to this, I've never really tried to speak another language.
(LordElph, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 21:08, Reply)

it still hurts me
the first time i tried weed was with a mate and his older brother, who was a stoner, needless to say i tried to keep up with him, not a hope, i decorated much of the garden before puking into a bucket and not moving for 2 hours. the contents of the bucket then got fed to the dog who passed out and vomited all over their house
(Bored, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 20:29, Reply)

Bucks and oxfordshire Schools athletics.
was entered by my school into the shotput, turned up on the day.

everybody else was 2 years older than me and the shot was 1kg too heavy.

cue me failing miserably, throwing only 9 metres, a huge 3 metres shorter than anybody else.
(Banjo-Jeff I don't play a banjo, and I'm not called Jeff., Tue 19 Oct 2004, 19:26, Reply)

I just finished with my girlfriend...
It's a bit of a relief actually, i just got sick of her being a headfuck. She accuses me of cheating, etc. Serves her right for being outta her depth...

Oh and Pamela, if you are reading this, fuck you too!
(Squeak Endut! Hoch Hech!, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 18:45, Reply)

never work with money
I work for an investment bank in London, I bi-weekly calculate the amount of items unable to be processed by Equities (a large part of the bank but not all of it) and present the data to the heads of departments, who allocate work to their teams and minimise the banks losses... They are high brow, low moral people who you DO NOT screw about under ANY circumstance.

Sometime in my first month I was witness to great back-slapping and taken under the wing by said group of seniority as I sat in a large meeting room (30 people can sit at these tables and the leather chairs beg for you to fall asleep in them) presenting them with their weekly figures and general analasys on the success of the week.

I had an over head projector and large pointy thing for the graphs which all highlighted a reduction of 9 million Euros... Well, this was excellent news both for those who created it and he who told them about it...

it was only half way through their welcoming that I looked up at the figures on the projector and saw a decimal point in the wrong place.

I had reported 1 million instead of 10 million.
(killing time..., Tue 19 Oct 2004, 18:27, Reply)

Back in the dark, distant days before full-time employment
I temped for a year between yooni and finding a job.

The spacktards who work in recruitment agencies are so desperate to earn a fat commission that they'll generally believe anything you'll tell them without checking out the facts.

A particularly well-paid post for a switchboard operator cropped up, which I duly applied for. At some point during my application, the drone asked me if I could operate a QuackydooglesploinkCP30-A switchboard. I replied that I was, indeed, familiar with its work - well, how hard could answering a few phones be?

The next day I turned up, only to be confronted with the sort of desk that would have a rocket scientist scratching their head. I wasn't so much out of my depth as gazing into the abyss.

After blindly fumbling around, transferring calls to Brazil, the moon and what-have-you, I was confronted by the supervisor, who marched me, sweating and shaking, to the door.

The best part of this story is that the agency were on the phone the next day, offering me yet another position as a switchboard operator.
( furry numnah has returned from the dead (but her profile appears to be mightily fucked), Tue 19 Oct 2004, 18:16, Reply)

Another exam story.
This goes along with the other drugs/exam stories, but I promise is 100% true.

Myself and a few other nonworking idiots decided the biology GCSE exam (well, science dual award, but the biology paper) would be too hard and there was no point, so we decided to EAT some hash. Split an 8th between five of us in the morning, time comes for the exam and we're leaning on the corridor wall walking there.

Seated, I spent 15 minutes racing through the paper, then proceeded to laugh at the cut away diagram of a kidney before being forcibly removed from the drama hall and made to sit in the headmistress' office while my mother came to collect me and they contemplated the Police.

I'd have rather had the police.

By the way, I got a B on the paper. I don't have a sodding clue how.

(First post, apologies for length etc)
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 19 Oct 2004, 18:03, Reply)