Two years ago, my dad called to say he and my mum were 'popping round'
as she really wated to see me on her birthday and I "hadn't bothered" to call in at theirs. In truth, I'd just totally forgotten. It was 8pm on a Sunday. They'd be here in half an hour. Fuck fuckety fuckfuck.

I jumped in the car and flew down to the all night garage to get her some flowers, the only thing I could think of. Twatcakes! They didn't have any! Panicking - T minus 15 minutes - I bought her a watering can and a DVD documentary about water voles. Sped home. Stopped half way. Looked at my folorn gifts. Realised there was no way I could pass these off as anything other than a last-minute garage trip. Looked out of the window in despair. Saw...

...a load of bunches of flowers tied to the railings where some kid had got knocked down a month or so earlier.

I am ACTUALLY going to hell. My mum quite liked her three presents though.
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 11:59, Reply)

Ha, christmas shopping? I did that over a year ago!
Oh shit.
( Curis, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 21:19, Reply)

Engage Brain While Shopping
Last year my mother stumbled in on the 23rd of December, dropped more bags than I could count on the floor and headed straight for an open bottle of wine wailing 'Right. That's it. I'm finished. No more.' with resolute finality. She seemed so relieved that she had finally gotten everything out of the way and managed to buy presents for our entire (rather large) extended family that I didn't have the heart to point out her major faux pas as we wrapped them later on.

For my Uncle she'd bought a build-it-youself kit of one of those games where you have to guide the hook along the wire without touching it otherwise it buzzes. When she told me who it was for I queried it, sure that I'd mishead her, but no it was indeed for my Uncle. 'He used to love making things' she said 'and it'll keep him and the grandkids busy for ages, your Auntie will think its heaven sent.' she concluded. I bit my lip and muttered an 'okay' before leaving the room quickly in case I started laughing. She seemed to have forgotten the minor fact that my uncle had been diagnosed with parkinsons only six months earlier.

As much as I love him I spent the entire day giggling over the fact that their christmas would be punctuated by a constant stream of 'Right.' Buzz. 'Fuck!' Buzz. 'Arseholes!' Buzz. 'Shitfuckwankertitbum!' Buzz. Very possibly followed by the sound of things being gleefully smashed into smithereens.

This year she bought him gloves. Phew.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:58, Reply)

Like Father, Like Son. Not.
A couple of years ago I'd just gotten my first job. This was in no small part down to my mother who had gone out of her way to help me get there in the first place. As a result I decided to blow quite a large chunk of my newly acquired wages on a really nice birthday present for her; a gold bracelet. She opened it and the look on her face made my new found poverty (almost) worthwhile. After staring at it disbelievingly for a while she realised she wasn't done yet and turned her attention to my father's present. 'What could top that?' she must have been thinking as she opened it.

I'm guessing not a garlic press.

The two of us were talking later and she'd got suitably hammered to celebrate. After telling me how much she loved her bracelet for the fiftieth time she suddenly went quiet. I looked round to see her staring into the middle distance deep in thought. "I wish I'd married you." She said quietly.

Yeah, I try to keep contact down to a minimum these days.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 20:06, Reply)

Socks
I heard about a woman who was going to visit her son-in-law in hospital on Christmas day, along with the rest of the family. She left it a bit late for his present, so just bought him a pair of socks, which she gave him as he lay in his hospital bed.

She'd forgotten that he was in hospital because he'd just had his legs amputated.
(Pachey, Wed 28 Dec 2005, 11:46, Reply)

Everyone Loves A Good Book
My parents have always had a crappy relationship and one or other of the useless gets has always been threatening to leave and not come back. Usually, however, they can be relied upon to keep it at least civil for family occasions. Until last christmas that is, when they didn't speak for the entire surrounding week and on the day literally threw their presents at each other muttering 'bitch' and 'bastard' under their breath as they did so.

With hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea for them to try and lighten the tension by opening the joint present I'd got for them; Coping With Divorce by Keith Barrett. In a last minute shopping rush it just seemed so apt I couldn't resist.

"Too far." They muttered in stereo as they both stormed out in different directions. Screw them though, one of my mates got me a slinky. Yay!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:38, Reply)

This year
I work far too much. I'm a theatre techie. Christmas for most other people means panto season for us, and a hell of a lot of work. 90 hour weeks and whatnot.

The shows finish at 1655 and the shops shut five minutes later. So, I have this plan. Give the girlfriend £200 and tell her to buy all of the gifts and cards for my family.

Genius!

So, Christmas morning, everyone is opening their presents.

You know what's coming, don't you?

She's still quietly fuming about it.

Bugger.
( shadyron, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 23:28, Reply)

Reminds me
When I was working behind a bar in town a few years ago - 5pm Xmas Eve a bloke comes in, and clearly he's already had a few pints. He has another couple then a mate of his comes in.

They exchange pleasantries, and one asks the other how his Xmas shopping has gone. He says 'it was going alright, stopped off for a pint and got sidetracked though'.

By this time it's 6pm and all the shops are shut, and all that this bloke has managed to buy for his wife? One of those plastic slinky things that you throw down the stairs.

He started crying so I had to ask him to leave :(
(FiftyFour, Wed 28 Dec 2005, 12:16, Reply)

Bought a second-hand kimono for my mum in Kyoto for 800 Yen (about $10 Aus), but when I got home, I realised it had a fairly dodgy, yellowed stain on the inside - right around the bum area.
(I'd had a few sakes prior to buying it, so it went unnoticed in the shop).

Tried to fix it by cutting the stain out of the lining, which made it look even worse.

Then I realised I hadn't bought anything good for my nana.
Started thinking ... Hey, she's pretty short ... if I just cut the kimono in half (eliminating the botched sewing job/stains), I'll have a nice housecoat for nana, and enough left-overs for some cool cushion covers.

She loved her new 'dressing gown'.
Wandered 'round the house, bowing and saying, "Ah, so!" to my cousins & I, which was fairly dodgy ...

... but not as dodgy as her 'loving' grand-daughter ...
(Celerydemon, Tue 27 Dec 2005, 0:22, Reply)

Oops
I once spent £29 million on Juan Sebastian Veron

Lots of love

Sir Alex Ferguson
(davefromkent, Sat 31 Dec 2005, 10:15, Reply)

co-op does it better
Last year my grandparents decided to pull a surprise visit on me a couple of days before christmas. The only thing is we'd already arranged to get together in the new year instead and so I'd not bought any presents for them. I thought I'd have time after christmas when the sales were on and I could get more for my money.

They live about 45 mins away from me and rang as they were setting off.They just wanted me and mr pechogonas to have our presents for christmas and thought they'd have a run out in the car as the weather was nice. This didn't leave me time to go into town to buy them anything (I don't drive).

I spent 15 mins frantically tidying the house and then went to the co-op late shop over the road to see what I could find. I always buy my nan some 'just brazils' and my grandpa some 'fry's turkish delight' every year, but the best I could do on this occasion was the equivalent co-op own brand varieties at 99p a box. And a pot plant.

They arrived and we swapped presents; myself apologising profusely for my meagre offerings, explaining my original plan; my nan being lovely and claiming it was worth it just to have something to open on xmas day.

They phoned on xmas day and thanked me for the presents, and me, wracked with guilt, thanked them for the great presents they had given me.

Throughout this year I have occasionally thought back to this and vowed to make it up to them. This year I bought my nan a beautiful brooch and my grandpa an expensive book, plus the obligatory choccy brazils and turkish delight, this time of the M&S variety.

In the phone call this year my nan effused about her lovely brooch and my grandpa's book, but asked if next year they could have the sweets that we bought them last year, the cheapo co-op ones, because they tasted so much nicer than the M&S ones.

The moral of the story kids. Don't feel guilty about last minute buys - you never know, they are not only cheaper, but they might just be appreciated more too.

Oh, and M&S sell expensive shite.
( no longer a user, Tue 27 Dec 2005, 14:12, Reply)

Errr - That Would Be Me Then
It's 1.15 on Xmas Eve and I'm just starting my Xmas shopping. I haven't bought a thing yet. But do I panic? Do I run around town like a maniac? That would be no.

Instead of cracking on with my shopping I walked into the first Internet Cafe I came across and logged on to B3ta to see how I did in last week QOTW and check what the question was this week.

I'm so fucking sad someone should take me out and shoot me......

Have a great Xmas B3tans.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 12:55, Reply)

as always the usual very true tripe that doesn't really answer the question
Last year, all 5 members of my family were bought presents from the local pound shop on Christmas Eve. The same day, I bought myself an Xbox. Fun.
(blackfacedfightinggibbon, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 4:09, Reply)

Deep family secret
When I was about 7, I got tired of never getting what I wanted for Christmas. So I took all this 70s gawdy jewelry my mom had - you know, the wooden string of beads necklace, the giganto rhinstone clip-on earings, stuff that would go for big $$$ on e-Bay - and wrapped them in a small box, and said they were to me from my brother.

I put it under the tree when nobody was looking and later acted surprised when I saw it. "It's Legos!" I'd scream with delight as I shook it. My parents and brother looked confused and whispered to each other. "No, I didn't get him anything," my brother said.

So my parents thought they'd pull a fast one on me, and swapped the jewelry with real Legos. I go up, shake the box and throw a fit! "These aren't Legos!" I screamed, "This is just stupid jewelry!" and threw the box down the stairs. More confused whispering. I ran to my room crying.

So they swapped it back, and I was elated when I heard the characteristic jingle of cheap jewelry. "Oh! It's Legos!" I smiled excitedly.

Christmas Eve, we open our presents and "Whoa! It's jewelry! Oh, thanks Bro! I thought it was Legos this whole time! Wow, you really had me fooled!" I can still see my brother's look: WTF?

I was a very unique little boy.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:44, Reply)

Oh no.
Morning after pill for the girlfriend.

Enough said.
(Kaer, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 6:50, Reply)

My Friend's Birthday
He was very happy to recieve:
2 doorstops
a marrow
some sugar puffs
2 replacement sink plugs
the offer of sex (refused)
but then neither of us are homosexual.
( Didyoumissme1, Mon 2 Jan 2006, 13:41, Reply)

this question
was it a bit of a last minute rush off job?
(scumbum, Mon 2 Jan 2006, 2:57, Reply)

This belonged in the other Presents QOTW
...But I missed that one. Back when I was probably 8 or 9, my parents did not have a whole lot of money. My siblings and I didn't know this. A few days before Christmas, a HUGE box showed up under the tree. We were impossibly excited about it. Maybe it was a motorbike! Or, in the case of my sister, a unicorn (in retrospect, it wasn't nearly that big). In any case, we were mad to find out what it was and tore it open furiously on Christmas. Turned out it was a new engine for our car, which had recently crapped out. It was the only present under our tree.

To this day, I'll never know why they wrapped the thing.
(I'm Owen McLove, I could have you killed., Thu 29 Dec 2005, 18:35, Reply)

A Lindt reindeer....
having bought, eaten, and replaced it 5 times already.

*yum*
(thisismyclone, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:22, Reply)

Munchies
I once panic bought all the jelly babies of all brands in my local supermarket.
(sitonit, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 14:10, Reply)

for christmas this year//
My sister got me "22 golden trumpet hits" on tape.

Classic!

She owned up and admitted she found it on the floor of her car the day before christmas.
(uptonogood, Wed 28 Dec 2005, 10:09, Reply)

Why panic-buy?
When you can panic-steal? Christmas is full of houses and flats with nobody in coz they are at thair parents/daughters etc. I am not condoning panic-theft, but it seems to me like a potential solution if the shops have all closed on Xmas Eve.

Only drawbacks are you might get panic-arrested.
( gaijintendo Regular Member, Mon 26 Dec 2005, 12:52, Reply)

It's the thought that counts...
My grandparents give me questionable gifts every year. I presume most of them are either panic bought (as they couldn't have actually thought long and hard about whether to buy me some of the weird stuff I've ended up with) or they've got a far better sense of humour then I give them credit for. I generally go for former mixed with the fact they're probably senile.

The best by far was a very informative book called 'Knitting with dog hair'

I still have it, but I'm not sure why.
(Pixel, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 21:50, Reply)

A pig lighter
I got my girlfriend a pig lighter for her birthday, and yes, it does do what it says on the tin.

You pull back a lever on its head and two flames come out of its nose- whilst this may seem brilliant, she doesn't smoke.

Worst of all, when I gave it to her, I said "I saw this, and thought of you".
(Psythor, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:48, Reply)

Bad Move
Got really panicky on new years eve. Had to buy the gf a gag gift...a dildo. turned out it was a strap-on i'd picked up in haste. it was in a box, it wasnt my fault! ouch
(mattressking, Thu 5 Jan 2006, 5:37, Reply)

Paniiiic
once missed out on what promised to be a hot nookie session due to lack of fucksocks. Next day, stocked up on Durex. Didnt get any for another 11 months. ARSE!
( Ralph farts in your general direction, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Hob Nobs
I went out for some biscuits earlier and ended up buying 30 quids worth of hardcore porn and a melon.

Buggery has ensued.
(Formaly Over say's hello, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 13:51, Reply)

Not so panic buying
My Gran (bless her) suffered a stroke a while ago, and consequently can't see/hear/walk/write properly, and she sounds like she's pissed all the time (we relate to each other much better these days). She still manages to come out with some pearler lines (I think one of the best was "I don't get out much anymore.... but I do open all the windows").

The most technologicaly advanced piece of equipment she's ever used is a 1972 Vaxhall Cavalier (baby turd brown in colour). Needless to say I was a little suprised when I received a webcam/camera thing from her from christmas (everyone else got mail order hot waterbottles). After unwrapping it I said thanks and asked her how come she had bought me a webcam. She looked at me, taped the box, and whilst still maintaining eye contact said, "Free gift".

Oh, cheers gran.

When my uncle left on Boxing day he said bye to gran (his mum), her response was "Nice to see you... for a bit"
(ralphseviltwin, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 13:14, Reply)

arrr
not exactly panic buying, but my mum has *asked* me to buy my brother chewing gum for his birthday... yes, a big WTF is in demand here.
(Balue Free From Tetanus, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 19:55, Reply)

not last minute but
one of my sisters and me are not talking, and last year my mum and another sister gave me grief about this, saying how it was awkward and embaressing when we are all exchanging prezzies, so i should get her something. ok, i thought, but i bet she won't get me anything so its just gonna be crap. in ottakers i saw and bought for her the "book of british roundabouts". i luagheed my head off when i read it and even more when she opened it. funnier still, my dad and brother-in-law started reading it and saying "i've driven round that one, its just off the A36 nr Birmingham..." sad sad sad...
( Avast is still alive!!!!, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 16:24, Reply)