i get some of the oddest gifts
well one year for my friend's birthday i got her a brick out of my neighbor's backyard and i put some electrical tape on it...i called it the brick of sorrow, i think the name fits. hmm and then i got three of my friends du-rags for x-mas...you know those things that black people wear over their hair sometimes oh well you get it....

oh and this year im handing out "one free punch directly in the mouth" coupons...hey atleast ill have fun
(spazzinout74, Sun 25 Dec 2005, 0:29, Reply)

Pub
Not me but my dad's mate's brother.

In the pub before midnight communion. Dad, mate and mate's bro.

Dad: right, better go to church then.
Mate: yep, good plan. Then it's off home to sleep before tomorrow. Got everything done, bro?
Brother: Oh yes, got all the presents... oh fucksocks.

Turns out he's forgotten to get his wife a present. What makes it worse is that it is 11pm on Christmas eve, and they are all Christians, so forgetting that you a) have a wife and b) celebrate the birth of Jesus is pretty major, methinks.

Think he got her a bunch of flowers from all night garage. Me, have done all shopping and presents are all wrapped etc. Never as good as you think it will be though, is it.
(Clarabelle is reverting to type on, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 23:38, Reply)

First time this year ive had to buy for my gf
i always conveniently break up with them before any birthday, valentines day or xmas! I knew NOTHING about what to get her...so i bought her a book about violent pirates, i think she liked it......
( executiverocker only wears C&A, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 22:45, Reply)

my friend...
a friend of mine decided he didnt like wrapping presents, so decided it would be a lot easier to wrap everything in tin foil instead of wrapping paper

i thought it was a brilliant idea, and his tree looked amusing, with normal presents sitting at the bottom with a sprinkling of tin foil creations amongst them

his mum was slightly annoyed that he used every last bit of tin foil in the house

the next year i attempted to wrap the unwrappable present, using some plasticey paper that i found which is impossible to rip, and most of a roll of sellotape covering every exposed seam
the plan fell apart when he got the end of a bit of sellotape, yanked it and my huge tape network fell apart

our presents rock too, usually a mix of the amusing (to us at least, usually result in odd looks from teh parents) and the cool, one year being a metallica tshirt from when he got to see them down in london (the cool) and a drinks coaster with one of the giant norse godess people from opera, which now sits proudly displayed on my desk (the show aint over till the fat lady sings)

David
(442, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 22:01, Reply)

Ha, christmas shopping? I did that over a year ago!
Oh shit.
( Curis, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 21:19, Reply)

Talking of panic buying...
About a year ago ... my friend's birthday. Indeed I had actually bought him something and we all met up to buy a round of drinks and go to his house. Yay and ... yeah.

Unfortunately, my friend was running late and had to eat very fast then sprint to the meeting point where we were standing with a few packs of cider/beer. Then, she collapsed. There were three of us (her included). Ah fuckit. What the hell to do? We couldn't very well send her home without incurring her father's wrath. Passer'sby thought that she was intoxicated as she did look it.

THEN a stroke of luck. We spotted three friends going to the same party.

Two identical looks of relief and we rush over 'Ohmygod, will you help us take her to Rob's?'

Followed by being completely ignored.

Then they disappeared into the shop. Leaving my friend to carry ill friend over back and me with bags for 3 and drink for 20. We eventually got there, it turned out AFTER our other friends who hadn't helped.

It turned out ... and this where the story makes sense...

... they'd forgotten to buy friend's birthday present and had rushed into shop to buy a Mars Bar.

... woo.
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 21:17, Reply)

Panic Buying Is When...
..you buy your entire family comprising of three people each thirty pounds worth bits of paper.

Paper, eh? Well, when these bits of paper entitle you to £10 spending free in HMV, I'm sure you;ll agree that vouchers are the bestest present most ever you can buy on Dec 23rd at 4:49pm.

Plus if they buy anything shit, you can't be held to account for it. :)
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 20:50, Reply)

Not Christmas Presents, but still undeniably shite ones
At the same party I posted about for the last question of the week, two attendees were on their way when they realised that they hadn't, in fact, bought presents. So, one stop at a service station later, and between them, they gave to the bloke who's party it was:
Some sensitive milk teeth toothpaste
A tin of spam
Some cool relief pads for high heeled shoes (so you can dance the night away without burning foot pain, apparantely)
And a nylon scarf.
It should be pointed out that the person receiving them was 15, male, and doesn't, as far as I know, have a dirty little cross dressing secret.
As you can guess, he was ever so grateful.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 19:13, Reply)

Bugger!!!
I'm so, so sorry. I've just been really busy! You see, the thing is, I totally forgot to get all you lovely people presents. What can I say?

Anyway I've got you all the only thing I could manage to find at the last minute....a few wanky, unfunny stories.

Sorry about that.

At least you can have the comfort of knowing that I hope you all have a fantastic christmas and that your families are a little more thoughtful.

Cheers B3tans. Hope it's a good 'un.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 24 Dec 2005, 18:41, Reply)

One Christmas
About 10 years ago... all of my extended family were gathered at my Grandmother's shitty stinkpit hovel in Purley, and my cousin and I (both similar ages) opened our gifts.

As I sat there wondering how he could possibly have been given some shampoo with a badly torn label, I moved on to my next 'gift' which turned out to be a comb with some sellotape on it.

I mean for fuck's sake!
( Micro Prawnvica, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 18:31, Reply)

sometimes, its better not to get a gift at all....
my dad forgot my mums birthday and he "bought" her a packet of crisps.

she got her own back and bought him a big box of shortbread for christmas (he hates shortbread)

they're divorced now
(General Arfarfarnarf He who hesitates, Masturbates!, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 17:43, Reply)

Not strictly on topic...
...but this year i'm being scrooge and buying no pressies!
bah humbug
( chunderbunny lacking humus since, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 14:20, Reply)

Errr - That Would Be Me Then
It's 1.15 on Xmas Eve and I'm just starting my Xmas shopping. I haven't bought a thing yet. But do I panic? Do I run around town like a maniac? That would be no.

Instead of cracking on with my shopping I walked into the first Internet Cafe I came across and logged on to B3ta to see how I did in last week QOTW and check what the question was this week.

I'm so fucking sad someone should take me out and shoot me......

Have a great Xmas B3tans.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 12:55, Reply)

Two years ago, my dad called to say he and my mum were 'popping round'
as she really wated to see me on her birthday and I "hadn't bothered" to call in at theirs. In truth, I'd just totally forgotten. It was 8pm on a Sunday. They'd be here in half an hour. Fuck fuckety fuckfuck.

I jumped in the car and flew down to the all night garage to get her some flowers, the only thing I could think of. Twatcakes! They didn't have any! Panicking - T minus 15 minutes - I bought her a watering can and a DVD documentary about water voles. Sped home. Stopped half way. Looked at my folorn gifts. Realised there was no way I could pass these off as anything other than a last-minute garage trip. Looked out of the window in despair. Saw...

...a load of bunches of flowers tied to the railings where some kid had got knocked down a month or so earlier.

I am ACTUALLY going to hell. My mum quite liked her three presents though.
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 11:59, Reply)

I wonder if...
...the lack of contributions to this qotw is because everyone's out panic-buying?
( The Helpful Bear, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 11:51, Reply)

Not so much panic buying as panic opening...
My grandfather died about 5 years ago; nothing particularly interesting about that. Every Christmas though, my mum manages to make a comment to my father (whose father he was) which results in cringing from the rest of the people present. And tears from my father. Recent tear-jerkers have included:

"Your father would have loved that"
"It's not the same without him, is it?"
"I remember when I get you a wheelbarrow for xmas and I took so much effort to make sure that you didn't know what it was. I even hid it in the neighbour's garage. Then on Christmas morning, upon seeing the big wrapped up parcel, your father said 'IT'S A WHEELBARROW!'."

My mum always makes people cry.
(gmo, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 10:26, Reply)

Skintness
One time I bought my dad one of those initial stamps for golf balls - looks like a garlic press gone wrong. Watching him unwrap it and explaining that I was broke and couldn't afford better still makes me cringe. Horrible.

Best pissed gift was a Borg ball (from one of the Star Trek movies)....it's what happens when you get pissed up on Xmas Eve lunch and then wander into Forbidden Planet on New Oxford Street in that pissed up but ultra cheery mood....we still have said Borg ball; it's on the windowledge behind me right now. When people ask 'what the flick is that?' it provides amusement for all. :) In a minor way, anyway.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 7:43, Reply)

$$
If I am really desperate, I give money as a gift and let my mom and dad buy what they want themselves.
(Aquabeast, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 6:30, Reply)

as always the usual very true tripe that doesn't really answer the question
Last year, all 5 members of my family were bought presents from the local pound shop on Christmas Eve. The same day, I bought myself an Xbox. Fun.
(blackfacedfightinggibbon, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 4:09, Reply)

A mate of mine
recently surprised me with quite a thoughtful gift this year regarding a personal joke.

Completely taken by surprise by this (as random acts of kindness aren't really his thing), i had to go and panic buy. So i got him a bottle of vodka. Which i drank myself. He got the empty bottle though - Its the thought spirit that counts. (thanks Mori)

Mum is also getting a tin opener tomorrow. Sorry mum.
(Rushy, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 3:27, Reply)

this christmas
i'm spending christmas day just with my immediate family, so i didn't bother buying presents for extended family.
however, i discovered today that:
A) all our extended family are coming over on boxing day
B) everyone else has bought presents for all of the extended family.

thus tomorrow i will rush into town and cunningly buy a single present for everyone - a board game or a huge box of chocs or something...
(moik, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 2:16, Reply)

Best of all it was free!
Not so much as a panic buy, as a gift on the cheap... But my brother is awful to buy for and not knowing what to get him for christmas, I just wrapped up the 2 waterstones gift vouchers I got with my credit card :-p
( sd Oh cumbuns!, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 2:00, Reply)

Grandma Pickle.
Her gifts were always quite strange, particularly since they all seemed to be aimed at very young children. Dolls, jumpers with Micky Mouse on, a bag of beads (?) etc. She also never licked or addressed the envelopes on her cards in case we needed to use them (I have yet to).

The best however was one Christmas when we were presented with... *drumroll*...a toilet roll cover. One of the ones that disguises them as a doll, wearing a bright pink knitted dress and hat. It also smelt like old people.

We had a toilet roll holder. We couldn't even use it if we wanted to. She KNEW this.

Gran, if you're reading this from heaven/hell/wherever, in what way did you think this was suitable present for a 10 year old?
(PAMPAMPAM, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 1:57, Reply)

dunno about panic buying, but this is ace
my brother's birthday is on Christmas Day, and this year, he's working in the local nuthouse until 5pm. Never mind.

Working in the shithole that is a book distributors in North Wales, i managed to nick enough bubblewrap to make him a bedsheet.

(but then i did take a sickie on my last day before we shut, and left it there. Fucksocks)
(iamjthearmeroar, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 1:36, Reply)

A lot of thought went into this....
An old friend and ex-work collegue of mine had a semi idea of what he wanted to give as a gift to a couple of his mates, an idea which between us brainstorming how to make it seem so much more naff, last minute and rushed it has now become the stuff of Legend.

The Present was thus:

1x Inflatable orange armband, (as used by novice swimmers)
Half a block of Lard, (what man in their mid-twenties uses lard to cook anyway?)
1x Disposable plastic glove, (from a garage forecourt)

How's that for a posh wanking kit, eh?
( Yamon Benny Harvey. RIP., Sat 24 Dec 2005, 0:48, Reply)

Nothing says 'panic' better than
...using the excuse of your girlfriends non-presence in the country as a way of getting out of buying her a crimbo pressie.

She will receive it in January when i'm not skint.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Sat 24 Dec 2005, 0:26, Reply)

beans
This year a mate of mine (who we affectionatly call 'Fat Nick') gave me 12 tins of Branston baked beans he happened to have knocking around the house for Christmas.

Though to give him credit, he had neatly wrapped them up in shiny Christmas wrapping paper and a Lid's carrier bag. Best present I've had in years!
(theforcesofevil, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 23:43, Reply)

It's the thought that counts...
My grandparents give me questionable gifts every year. I presume most of them are either panic bought (as they couldn't have actually thought long and hard about whether to buy me some of the weird stuff I've ended up with) or they've got a far better sense of humour then I give them credit for. I generally go for former mixed with the fact they're probably senile.

The best by far was a very informative book called 'Knitting with dog hair'

I still have it, but I'm not sure why.
(Pixel, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 21:50, Reply)

Cigar Box
There was the time I bought a knife sharpener for my wife. Damn good one too. Useful for weapons, like the ones that were aimed at me.

But the one I remember most was buying a cigar box. I thought its multiple colors made it looked like it was already wrapped (saving me the trouble), but my sister wasn't fooled. Plus, I forgot, and left the receipt inside, confirming for her what a cheap bastard I really was.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 21:28, Reply)

Not me but my former step dad
He was a coach driver and mum was married to him around the time that BP were doing those premier points that you could spend at Argos,he also became a compulsive gambler towards the end of the marriage (maybe to do with sharing a house with me, I dunno). Anyway, one year he'd spent all his money backing some horse and lost (as usual) so as he'd amassed so many of these premier points he decided to spend them at Argos instead of forking out any money he had left, and what did he buy the supposed love of his life?

A dictaphone, without batteries or tapes. Thing is, she didn't even need the thing as she had one to use from work for the extremely rare occasions that she needed it.

The year before he bought some Swarofski (sp?)crystal chicks (baby chickens in other words) from the airport duty free shop as he'd obviously forgotten to buy anything before we were set to go on holiday. I pointed out to him that she already had this particular set which was met with the response of "fuck off!"

Strange how the marriage didn't last long after that holiday, maybe something to do with my brother and I torturing and humiliating him on that holiday.
(Lord of my Ring, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 21:18, Reply)