This one time
I went on a messaage board and told them about my fictional affair with a super model and how I ran someone over with my honda accord
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:39, 2 replies)

I lied to Mr Sp@m and told him me and my mates had an extra ticket for a rugby game if wanted it
When in fact I didn't have any tickets or any friends.

My lie led to a wedding, two children, a mortgage, a cat, two fish and a nicotine habit.
( Mrs Sp@m, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:38, 1 reply)

I promise
to tap you on the back of the head when I'm nearly done
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:34, 2 replies)

No I only want to cuddle

( riverghost servicing your mum since, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:30, Reply)

about 20 years ago
being the resident techy at work I used to fool about with people at work in lifts by pressing the close door button at the same time as the floor button. Mostly it'd go there without stopping at an intermediate floor and I'd tell people I was in a hurry and not to let on about the secret I'd found. As I was known to be a bit of a geek everybody believed me. It soon spread around the company.

I moved jobs a few times and was amazed when occasionally I'd see other people doing it and it raised a few smiles especially when performed by some twat that I utterly dispised let me in on "his" little secret.

Recently I've discovered it's all over the interwebs but surprisingly I don't feel in the least bit guilty. Well perhaps a bit.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:29, Reply)

When I started living in England
I wouldn't understand 3/4 of what people talked to me, which meant I'd say "yes, yes" to almost everything.

I didn't want to seem stupid, so usually I wouldn't admit I hadn't understood and keep going with the story; faking you're Italian for more years(rather than Spanish) is quite stupid, though.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:22, 3 replies)

I might have had a couple...
So there I was, being asked by my boss whether I'd been drinking, because he needed me to do him a favour and give his mates a lift home...

I may have had a pint, but I felt fine so I said "No, it's alright, I'll drive them" (looking back, I should have got one of the others to do it) but at the time, I felt compelled to say yes.

So, we jump into the car, and we're driving through town (it was late at night so there was hardly anyone about) so the fella next to me, Trev, says take a short cut he knew of. The two in the back were having a cuddle, she looked quite fit but the fella was being an arse playing back-seat driver so I ignored his ramblings, but we're driving along and take Trev's short cut through a tunnel which cuts off all of 5 minutes of taking the "long way round".

Anyway, some tosser in a white Uno coming the other ways starts flashing the lights and edging into my lane, almost like he's trying to play chicken, so I flick him a quick five knuckle shuffle salute but he's too far over and I'm going a little too fast with a little less reaction time than normal, so my front wing clips him, sends me careering into the barriers and managed to stove it straight into a pillar....

it was a lovely Merc too.... shame!
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:15, 1 reply)

Yeah, like, I'm the son of God, yeah, see.
No, its true, in 2000 years time people will still be, like, going to war over exactly which interpretation of which translation of which non contemporaneous alleged description of my life and teachings is the one true faith.
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:10, Reply)

New Labour

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:04, Reply)

Myyyyy daddy's got a helicopter

Sorry, you can't come round and see it.

Because

Because

Just Because, alright

Because he flew it into a cloud of fairies and now it's in the garage.

Because fuck you, that's why you can't see dad's helicopter.
(teebie jeebie, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:56, 3 replies)

Man of Secrets...
A girl I'm very good friends with at work is prone to exaggeration. Over time, exaggeration has become out and out lying for fun. Due to rumours she has started, various people in the office now believe:

- I am a millionaire many times over due to inherited family money, but I don't like to talk about it because I just want to live a normal life
- Before my current career, I was a jobbing musician and played bass on several minor hits in the early noughties
- I was hurt horribly by a previous breakup with a secret celebrity lover who felt I was a hindrance to their growing fame. Various identities have been asserted for secret celeb, but I don't talk about it because I was paid off
- I invented Facebook, but my girlfriend (who was at Harvard at about the right time - these things work best if they contain a grain of truth) told Mark Zuckerberg about it and he nicked the idea
- I once sucked off our CEO when we were both plastered at a conference, but we both keep it secret so he can't be accused of nepotism (I'm not even gay...)

What never ceases to amaze me is that enough people actually buy it, even the really exuberant bits. I am now quite used to people asking, So, what happened with you and the CEO?', or 'I hear you're minted?'.

I'd ask her to stop, but I don't think it would make a blind bit of difference, and it's quite fun trying to work out what people have heard...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:52, 7 replies)

I said there would be cake
but she broke my heart and killed me
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:51, 1 reply)

Do you watch porn?
she asked. "Of course not" I replied, "Why would I when I've got you?". "Explain this then" she said opening my desk drawer and taking out a DVD with the word "Filth" written on it in permanent marker.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:44, 7 replies)

Primary school, 1899
Adolf: Hans, did you steal mein lunchenbox?
Hans : Nein! Ummmm, it vas... zat boy Nathan Rubenstein over zere!
( Pretender, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:43, Reply)

just a few more minutes
Languishing along on a rainy day, no motivation at all, surfing the web for something to while away the time.

I was reading some stuff and getting bore with the subject so I clicked on a different link and found that the question had been changed.

Now that was a beautiful moment.
(Singularity was tiny but amazingly dense on, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Hahahahahahaha..
..hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahaha
hahahahahaha
hahahahaha
hahahaha
hahaha
haha
ha
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:31, 7 replies)

I once decided to write a children's book about a fictional magician
turns out 2.2 billion people think its fact and gather to talk about my works every sunday.

Oops.
( Victor Meldrew, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:23, Reply)

Lies to oneself (at various times).
"Eventually she'll calm down and stop throwing psycho tantrums all the time, if I stay with her. She'll change."

"A couple of cigs at the weekend doesn't mean I've started smoking again."

"I am totally on top of my coursework."

"One a day doesn't mean I've started smoking again."

"She hasn't gone spastic in a while...we must be turning a corner!"

"Ten a day doesn't mean I've started smoking again."

And of course the big one that always, always spirals out of control:

"I'll do it tomorrow."
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:22, 3 replies)

I lied about having A levels to my old boss
Then after a few months they decided that it would be best if I went to uni to study and better myself and all that rubbish.

So naturally I didn't get a placement so I did what every other 18 year old fearful of losing their job would do.

I lied and said my course ran every Monday for 3 years. I had to quit once 2 of the years were up because I was making no headway in life and just mooching about can't last forever, although I do regret not milking it for another year or so.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:21, Reply)

I tell people I have interesting stories to share...
but actually they're rather boring. Mwuhaha.
(Rubber Fish is waiting, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:20, Reply)

A QOTW which asks the users to admit to their lies?
I don't expect many people to submit stories to this one, to be honest.
(__, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:16, 4 replies)

At a posh wedding
someone asked if I was with the string quartet. I, of course, said yes, despite being nothing more than a rather unaccomplished woodwind player

As the woman showed me towards where they (I) were to play, I decided this charade could not keep up much longer.

I suppose this would have been a better story if I'd carried on with the fiction. I will bear you guys in mind next time it happens
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:14, Reply)

"Yeah, the BP chairman's my godfather, like"
Nope, I still don't know why I said it, but I just came out with it during economics class at school. I told people our family get free petrol as a result of this outrageous piece of good fortune, and - dammit - I was believed and the lie spun out of control for a good three or four years.

Then I was spotted at the local Texaco garage, filling up my clapped out Renault Four with petrol and paying genuine cash money for it. I should have known that one of my best friends had an evening job as a cashier...

God knows how I let it go that far, for the real truth is even better. My godfather was in the Gurkhas, and my christening gift was an actual, used-in-battle kukri knife. Which I lost. Honest.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:12, 4 replies)

Your sister?
Nah!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:12, Reply)

I love you.
/qotw
(langers, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:10, Reply)

WMD?

(robbersdog, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:06, 1 reply)

Not first!
=D
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:05, Reply)

I'm first.
And anyone that says otherwise is a liar.
( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:05, Reply)

first

(PsychoChomp, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:04, 3 replies)