Going to reply to a post
and posting it as a reply to the main question instead of a reply to the post you were reading because you hit reply under the comments as opposed to reply under the post. Then having to delete your post because it's out of context and off topic and people will look at you funny and call you special.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 May 2008, 10:00, 1 reply)

Weird grammar
I've lived in the People's Republic of Yorkshire for ten years, and I'm still not used to the language. I've learnt that "while" replaces both "since" and "until", and that "was" and "were" can both be singular and plural, but what really gets on my tits is when colleagues phone me up to ask "Can you check me a number?"

"You mean, can I check a number for you?"

"Yeah, can you check me a number?"

Am I right in saying that the problem is that "to check" is not a ditransitive verb?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 6 May 2008, 10:00, 3 replies)

Having Studied Media in University
I am constantly hounded by one of 2 things.

1) Getting the "wow, you must be dumb" "haha you would have done better to do nothing" look when I tell people of my degree subject

whilst I understand that people may use media as an easy option, but those people don't make it past the first year. my course was challenging and largely involved politics, sociology, psychology, analysis etc moreso than learning how to take a photograph. although it included that too. I believe media to be a very challenging and intelligent degree to do.

2) People believing that they know better/just as much as you because they have a camcorder and windows movie maker or because they have a point and shoot still camera and can put a filter on in photoshop.

media is so accessible that everyone thinks they are an expert, think of me as stupid for spending 3 years taking photos then look very surprised when I fix their entire company's PR, marketing and web design raising their profile by several hundred percent.

what do you think I did for 3 years???
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Tue 6 May 2008, 9:49, 7 replies)

People
Specifically:
People who think the world owes them something. You know the type: "I'm 36, I should be married by now"; "I have a degree in Underwater Basket Weaving, I should be earning £40Kp.a." and the new one "I'm 30, I shold have a 4 bedroom house, whether I can afford the mortgage or not".

These are the type of people who moan about their jobs, yet never do anything about it.

Your life is your responsibility. If you think you should have something, do what you have to do to get it - except get it on credit - or quit whining.
(ScousersPet, Tue 6 May 2008, 9:48, Reply)

Anything 'Inspirational' or 'Motivational'...
Mugs, posters and especially motivational speakers (or probable paedo's as I call them.)

'There's no 'I' in TEAM'.

There is also no 'I' in TOTAL USELESS BASTARD CUNTS so what is your point?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 6 May 2008, 9:33, 5 replies)

Just a quick one
As I've got deadlines to meet and I'm up to my eyes in work.

However, this is just a small peeve.

First of all I love the reply button, I think it's fab that we can now add our opinion to the original rant or story. Great development for b3takind.

But....when a particularly interesting 'discussion' or spat has taken place and then referred to later on in a new post...I am left wondering what's been said.

So off I go looking for the original post.

I click on the member's name and check out their profile.

I click Read All Their Answers to find more.

I see something! A fragment of an argument.

I click More.

And I get....

Nothing. No link back to the entire post.


Why can't replies be linked to the original post?

I want to know why Belmsfordsux is apologising! I spent half an hour from 6.30 - 7.00 this morning finding out why Humpty had posted something which Tourette's thought was appalling and now half the board are ignoring the original poster who has changed the offending post which Humpty had somehow with Swedish Ninja skills had saved.

Added to which, I left this QOTW on Friday with four pages to read. Great, I though, I can catch up on them later, maybe over the weekend or on Tuesday.

I went to look last night. Over THIRTY bloody pages!!

We're a peeved lot.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 6 May 2008, 9:19, 4 replies)

Ok, I've got three pet peeves so here come three posts.
Firstly: people who make noise when they eat... I see this has been mentioned a few times, but I'm posting it anyway.

Ihate it, and it doesn't matter how good a mood I'm in, if someone starts chewing with their mouth open it instantly infuriates me. I've had various run-ins in the past with daughters of ex-girlfriends who eat horribly, mostly to no avail... hopefully they'll grow out of it.

Where I work now though, one of my colleagues eats in the most disgusting way I've ever seen. She chews with her mouth open, occasionally makes those smacking noises with her tongue, and even makes noise when she's taking a bite of something. She ate a plum the other day and every bite was accompanied with this vile sucking squelching noise. It was so bad I had to leave the office and hide, trembling in angst in the toilet O_o

It's happened a few times (although that plum was the worst), and generally I can deal with it by moving away, but she got me twice last week: once by coming into the room where I was having my lunch and eating an apple (nearly as bad as the plum) and once by looking over my shoulder at something I was showing everyone on the computer while she was eating chewing gum.

And before you tell me to have a word with her about it, I don't know her nearly well enough to bring it up, although I am considering sending an anonymous email.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 6 May 2008, 9:18, 2 replies)

pet peeves
I had a pet peeve once. It was a longhaired Siberian peeve. I got it for my seventh birthday. I named it Fluffeh. They make good pets; they don't take up much space but they do require regular feeding and airing. It escaped one day and ran under the sideboard and when my dad went to retrieve it, it bit him and had to be put down (the peeve, not my dad).
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 6 May 2008, 9:17, 4 replies)

Slow people
I hate when people walk slowly in front of me. I often follow as closely as possible while doing my zombie routine--drag a leg, hold arms out stiffly, let my head loll around--just to show them that a zombie would be faster than them.

No one seems to notice they are being tailed by the walking dead, actually.
(AlfishKK, Tue 6 May 2008, 9:03, 2 replies)

I live in Sweden
Yeah, the ladies are stunning, the winters give you real snow and the summers are great. Transport works, roads are smooth and the government doesn't support the invasion of other contries...

BUT.

The "sexual health" of this country is high on every manifesto that exists. What medium can they communicate though? TV. This in itself isn't a big deal... but WHAT they broadcast and WHEN they broadcast it I have serious fucking issues with.
My missus and I like to watch a wee bit of TV while eating sometimes... and quite regularly an advert for "ladies things" pops up.

Not tampons. I have no problem with them.
Not Sanitary Towels. Again, they have wings and the adverts involve ladies in unlikely sporting activities.
No... We have something worse.

A middle-aged, bespectacled and lab-coated woman appears on screen and addresses the camera and - I shit you not - this is her sales pitch:

"Do you suffer from foul-smelling vaginal discharge? Sometimes very fluid, sometimes more like pus?. This can happen after mealtimes or a visit to the swimming pool and is the result of a PH imbalance... If you do you can buy *insert product here* from the pharmacy etc..."

Thanks. No really: Thanks. I find it hard to express my gratitude for that information.

I WAS eating steak with Bearnaise sauce, and you've just put yeasty stinking vaginal discharge in my mind, with an infuriatingly understanding voice.

Now I'm eating Beef-Curtains and Flange-Pus.

Bastards.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 6 May 2008, 8:51, 3 replies)

people who
call milk "full fat milk". It's just MILK you retards.
(Handel blah blah blah, Tue 6 May 2008, 8:43, 3 replies)

TV Adverts.
I have no problem with Adverts as such... apart from a few - which I'll attack in a second.

the thing I take issue with is the Volume hike that people see fit to inflict upon us. Sure, the film is taking a pause (a producer recently sued Swedish TV for putting ad-breaks in his film as it "destroyed the context" hooorrrrayyy!!!! ) but why do they need to raise the volume??

Yeah, I'm not an idiot, I know WHY they do it. They want to wake us up and take notice of the adverts so that they sell more.

In reality it has the opposite effect. I'm enjoying the film and suddenly adverts shatter the cinematic illusion. Not only that but they're LOUD. It pisses me off.

I end up vowing that I WILL NOT buy any of those products BECAUSE they have pissed me off by being LOUD.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 6 May 2008, 8:39, 1 reply)

Widescreen TVs that aren't set up properly
This is a rant at:

1. People like my old housemate, who couldn't bear to watch 4:3 programmes in 4:3 mode as "what's the point of paying for all that screen if you're not going to use it?", and would keep stretching the picture so everybody looked short and fat.

2. Pubs festooned with widescreen TVs and a Sky box set to centre cut-out, meaning a quarter of the picture's being thrown away and the remainder stretched to fit as above. Madness.

Apologies for lack of humour.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 6 May 2008, 8:31, 2 replies)

*GROUP HUUUG*
No.

You utter tit NO.

Just because YOU are a "team leader" and think that we should be a happy family does NOT mean I want to be in a Sweaty hug with you.

Nor do We - the team - want to hug each other. We all work together because we're "professionals" but for the love of Edam, Why would we want a physical display of affection?

It's clear that you'll be trying to hug Jessica. She's cute, young and fit, and - yes I know from experience - she shags like an animal... you however are the exact opposite of her. Your belly means that it you manage to get your arms around her, your panting mouth will be RIGHT in her ear-hole. This freaks her out completely and gives everyone who witnesses it the creeps. If you try it one more time we'll lynch you.

No.

Not on your LIFE will we indulge in a group hug. "The Office" is a COMEDY, not an instructional video you short-sighted un-imaginative Tit.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 6 May 2008, 8:30, 1 reply)

Kit
People who say 'kit' when they perhaps mean 'equipment'. Mostly said by people called Bob.
( Ghoti Fingers, Tue 6 May 2008, 8:29, 2 replies)

STUDENT GRANT
Im not against people going out and getting an education to improve themselves.

What winds me up are those pretentious little gits who get about a month of Physcology or Philosophy 101 under their belts.
Suddenly they think they know it all and are better than you. Usually they go around in little groups stroking each others ego and spouting their proposterious shit for all the world to hear.

The use of the word "ATCUALLY" at the end of every sentence.

saying some comment usually ending along these lines "...As Socrates said ATCUALLY" Followed by a snort towards their little group and a smug look.

Then its followed up by " Well i'll be earning 5 times what you make in a couple of years ATCUALLY"

I was once told and i quote " You dont know how to think for yourself because you have never gone to university. Its only people who have been to university that have been taught how to use their brains properly , and thus think for themselves"
I was gobsmacked, he really believed that.
This took place outside a busy central city pub one saturday night. I am amazed the twat didnt get a beating by someone there with that attitude.

Some of the viz strips of student grant are remarkably spot on with these prats
(welgar, Tue 6 May 2008, 8:17, 7 replies)

Sorry to go OT.
Sends love to all, including Spimf & Purple Jessop, as life is far too short to be an asshole and enter into pointless arguments of "he said, she said".
Quite ashamed I did stoop to it, actually.
*Hangs head in mortification*
Hugs to all.
xxx
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Tue 6 May 2008, 7:59, 1 reply)

My alarm clock
I was having a brilliant dream this morning about three beautiful women. Stuff happened in the dream, time passed and Dream Me had just summoned up the courage to tell the most gorgeous one how I felt...

"You know, the thing is, all three of you are stunningly gorgeous girls, you especially."

She looks at me with an amused expression in her massive dark eyes, her glossy brown hair falling over her lovely face.

"Yeah, the three of us were talking about you, and BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Fucking alarm went off RIGHT THEN. Horrible cunting fucker of a whore thing. Ruined everything.

Then I woke up properly and realised my girlfriend was in bed next to me, and I was disappointed.

I am a bad man.
(dhroadie, Tue 6 May 2008, 4:21, Reply)

Things that make no sense
WHY IS THERE AN ELEPHANT UNDER THE MILL?
Well i say quite clearly that not only is your argument false its also non existent.
RELEASE THE BITS OF WIRE!!!
Oh now your being silly.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Tue 6 May 2008, 3:31, 1 reply)

This will be unpopular.
I understand that every time I visit any given website, my browsing costs the site owner money. It's only fractions of a penny, mind, but I'm aware that data transfer, file storage and server maintenance aren't free. Every single page I look at is taking money out of the pockets of whoever was kind enough to put their creation online.

So, at least nine out of ten of these webmasters will seek to recover some of their expenses via ads, be they text-based, graphical, or even (shudder) Flash.

If a site uses too many Flash adverts, it puts my CPU usage up to 100% and my machine struggles to keep up. Unless it's a site that I truly do enjoy surfing, I tend to just leave and never return. Likewise with those annoying ads that take up the whole page until you click the button that says "Yeah, yeah, whatever, not interested, let me look at what I wanted to look at in the first place."

Anyway, most webmasters aren't silly enough to use ads like that, because they know that legitimate viewers will leave the site and never return. And, of course, selfish twats will install ad-blocking software.

There are spam websites, spam E-mails, and spam users too. These people are the traffic you just don't want - the users who take and never give anything back, even when doing so costs them nothing. You put something online, pay your hosting bills, and run a couple of ads so that you're not actually paying money to share your work with the world, and then the world says "No, sorry, I know it doesn't cost me anything but I'm not going to help you out. I just don't like adverts, you see. They hurt my precious little eyes. I'll just take what you've given me without so much as a thankyou - oh, and expect a bill for the data transfer, too."

What, mister AdBlock user, are you so fucking special that you think you're allowed to somehow "opt-out" of this economy? You tight bastard. You're not just the guy who watches the street performer and doesn't pay, are you? No, you're the guy who gets his cameraphone out and starts recording after pushing his way to the front of the crowd, and then fucks off as soon as the act is over without so much as a penny in the jar.

If you're honestly bothered by the ads on a website, simply close the window and never go back to that site again. But don't fucking leech resources from the people whose work you enjoy. And if you do, put your hand in your pocket and PayPal them some money to pay them back. If someone's doing something that you think is ace, and you visit their site all the time, then give them money, don't cost them money.

This little rant was brought to you by a player of a PBBG I'm running. She'd never donated, she played every day - to the extent that she ended up downloading five to ten megabytes of fucking text every day, and on this sort of game I'll start maxing out my CPU on the dedicated server long before I run out of data transfer - and actually boasted about blocking my ads. Cheeky fucking bitch. It's not even like she's a nice player, she just beats up newbies all day.

Apologies for length, lack of funny, and arrogant arseholeish soapboxism. Rant over. Grr.
(CavemanJoe lives on improbableisland.com, Tue 6 May 2008, 2:32, 4 replies)

Hypocrites
Specifically - my mother.

"You're on that computer far too much, why don't you turn it off and sit down in the evenings and watch tv."

She sits down all evening staring at the TV. I sit down all evening staring at my monitor. Where's the difference? At least my fingers get more exercise (from using the keyboard, pervs).

She threatened to smash it once, because I was allegedly ignoring her telephone calls in which she wanted to tell me all about what happened in Neighbours/Eastenders/Home & Away or whatever crap she'd been watching that day. Apparently (so she tells me) the internet isn't real. I should watch home and/or garden makeover programs, reality tv, soap operas etc all day (in the same way that she does) .. apparently those are.


Oh.. and the crusty old bint who lives next door to me - and her runty little Westie. I hate that dog.

She seems to think that excuses for her dog continually yapping and howling for hours on end include: The plane that flew over 20 minutes ago; the bird that landed on a wall 50 yards away from her house; my cat flap "rattling" as my cat went out of it; a child skateboarding on the pavement on the other side of the road (she even went so far as to shout at said child that he was "disturbing her dog"); me opening my front or back door; anyone walking in the road outside her house; any animal walking past her house, etc.


Other pet peeves include:
chavs,
people who don't pick up their dog's crap,
recorded messages "please listen to the following 4 options",
gossips and rumourmongers,
teenagers (especially screechy female ones),
people who talk too loudly in restaurants drowning out everyone else's conversations,
rolls of flesh hanging over hipster jeans (usually worn by aforementioned screechy female teens and accompanied by those awful sheepskin wellies)
young males with their jeans halfway down their arse,
older, larger males attempting to emulate said young males but forgetting the essential boxer element and instead forcing me to suddenly confront rather foul and hairy bum cleavage upon turning a corner *shudder*
telephone calls which start "you have been selected..."
my local chippie forgetting to give me my mushy peas,
toenail clippers, and
excessive nostril and ear hair.
(Freakmandu, Tue 6 May 2008, 2:22, 2 replies)

Twats...
...that tag lampposts with their pathetic sticky labels!

Do you really think that that constitutes "ownership" of the lamppost and surrounding area?!

Utter twats.
(IHaveTheRightToArmBears, Tue 6 May 2008, 1:53, Reply)

travelling companions (i went away this weekend)
type 1# the fat bastard
decided to sit next to me even though there were plenty of available double seats. spent much of the journey oogling the topless page three girl in the sun without any shame and farting. trapped against the window, i put my headphones up to full volume and leant up against the wall as much as possible.

type 2# the eccentric old woman
"do you know what they called that in my day? they said that was making trousers, they said" source of much unwanted conversation.

type 3# the small child
worst place to find them is sitting behind you as being kicked in the back for three hours straight is horrendous. a strong contender for worst place is directly across the aisle where the small child will see you and find you a matter of concern. they will stare at you with chimpish intelligence as they writhe around in their dozing parent's arms particularly if you are eating.

type 4# the weirdo
this people worry me in particular as i tend to attract them. will sit nearby, stare moodily for a while then try to engage in conversation. often something along the lines of "been on holiday then?' 'no, im a student.' *beat* 'was it sunny there?'

this is not necessarily the case as i found this weekend. we came to our destination and the seemingly normal woman in front of me reached for her bag which happened to be in the luggage holder above my head giving me an eyeful of the thickest arm pit hair I HAVE EVER SEEN. words cannot describe. it could have been a beard if it had been on her face.

seven hours travel today. im all for the invention of teleports.
(ladyintheradiator, Tue 6 May 2008, 1:44, 1 reply)

Buddists
The preaching , peaceful ,harmonious Bas Tards.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Tue 6 May 2008, 1:07, Reply)

people that vent spleen (fucking bastards)
I anger myself.
( johnvile dsfadsfgafgf, Tue 6 May 2008, 0:34, Reply)

art and design philistines
ive just finished my years coursework, and am currently quite happy looking back on the last few weeks of working silly hours, and a week of 12 hour working days learning to use and making a full site in flash
what pisses me off is all the people who seem to think that all art and design based courses are 'just drawing' and complain that 'you dont have exams?! so you must do no work!' then go out get shitfaced 5 nights a week then spend two afternoons in the library 'revising' (facebook dictates otherwise) complaining about how ridiculously stressed they are-there are enough forensic/criminologist/psychology/creative writing combination students out there, what the fuck do they hope to be!?!
apologies for generalisations, but most students are c8nts
(salvadorbones, Tue 6 May 2008, 0:33, 6 replies)

Fucking speak English, please
Dear moron,
Impact is a noun. It is not a verb. Something had an impact on something else, something else was not impacted by something. It doesn't work that way, you dweeb.
The only time impact is ever used as a verb is when a person is impacted, his/her rectum is stuffed full with hard dry shit that needs to be manually broken up into smaller pieces and dragged out by hand. That procedure is called disimpacting and it's what I'm going to do to you with a sandpaper glove if you don't learn to speak your FUCKING NATIVE TONGUE you asshat!

Thank you.

Signed,

Seething nurse



yes, yes, I know teeth can become impacted but don't ruin my nice rant, ok?

edit: god, I'm cranky today. Must be the 36 hours straight awake on call


(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 6 May 2008, 0:27, 3 replies)