Don't mess with the cat
Years ago I was living in my sister's house with her, her boyfriend and her cat Tito. Now Tito who did not approve of having any rivals for my sister's afftections.

One sunny Saturday morning I was lazing in bed when I heard a roar of pain from their bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of fur closely pursued by naked flesh zoom past my door, a shriek of pain and surprise and finally the unmistakeable sound of a heavy physical object falling down the stairs.

It turned out that Tito had wandered into the bedroom to find the happy couple enjoying some morning delight at which he had sunk his teeth into the boyfriend's big toe. Cat flees out of bedroom followed by enraged boyfriend who in his haste does not see that the evil feline has been sick at the top of the stairs during the night.

Fully grown man slips in pile of cold cat vomit, tumbles down stairs during which time cat escapes to sit on the fence at the end of the garden watching the house with a hostile eye.

Cat 1 Man 0

As usual.
( electric_goat, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 10:29, Reply)

Eulogy
When the cat died, I promised to bury it. I promised and promised. For a time, I drove around town with a dead cat in the back of my car, and thought to myself: "Not to stress too much about this, but eventually I'm going to have to bury this cat, or I'm going to suffer even more stress. But no time! So I'll bury it when I can!"

When burial day came, a local homeless man of my acquaintance happened upon me and helped me dig a hole. The homeless guy was in a lot of pain as he dug away. He had been in a fistfight with several other homeless guys the night before, fighting mostly against former friends. He had bruises on his head, his face, his ribs, and his hand was badly swollen, perhaps even broken.

The homeless guy put the poor silent cat in the hole, stepped into the hole and tamped the cat down with his foot, looked down at the cat, shook his head, and said "Shit Happens".

I was aghast - what a horrible eulogy! Even a bad animal deserved better! But at least I understood where he was coming from. (I want this fellow to preside over my funeral)......
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 10:04, Reply)

Bunny with sunstroke
Friends of ours had a HUUUUUUUGE rabbit, which for reasons best known to themselves they named Potato. One day in late summer I was chatting to my mum on the phone, and she mentioned that the rabbit had suffocated to death because the heat in his enclosure had become too much for him.

"So... he was a Baked Potato?" I said.

She swore she hadn't thought of that.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 8:24, Reply)

Wally the Cat & the coal scuttle...
Years ago, Wal, out black witch's cat, used to live high up on the mantelpiece above our old coal burning rayburn (think AGA) in the kitchen, which used to be alight pretty much all year... He used to jump up there from the corner of the kitchen table, and then just sprawl out on the mantelpiece with his 4 legs and tail hanging off... it was pretty hot up there, but cats love that sort of thing...

One day tho, he went to jump off the table, but there was a pile of papers on the corner which he was standing on, so his launch was not quite as successful as he wished, as all the papers went flying behind him... The loss in traction meant that he didn't quite reach the orbit he required to make the mantelpiece, but instead landing feet-first (of course!) square in the coal scuttle next to the rayburn... Unfortunately, as he climbed out, covered in coal dust and looking decidedly pissed off, he looked around and saw me and most of the family pointing and laughing at him as we'd pretty much seen the whole thing! Ha ha ha ha!
Poor old Wal, He was the best cat in the world!
(TopBanana, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 7:41, Reply)

Our cat 'Der Dicke'
...drinks water from his paw only. Much like a bear catches fish on the riverside.
(Le Man Marathon in English 'The Marathon Man', Sun 10 Jun 2007, 7:14, Reply)

Oscar
So many stories of mirth to tell.....so I'll start with the one I can illustrate best!
Many years ago the then nextdoor cat decided that he would live with us. His name was Oscar; he liked to drink beer & eat curry when we got in late (honest..! My brother had to share his food & drink on many occasions) Besdies this laddish behaviour he also like to destroy the cardboard boxes we used to bring the shopping home with. One night he's merrily tearing chunks out of said box when he looks up &......

That's right pointy cardboard sticking out of his mouth like false vampire teeth!
Trouser wettingly funny antics, much missed.
(chris337, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 6:05, Reply)

Foster the Cat
We had a calico cat named Foster, because several in the neighborhood thought they owned her (and fed her). She was everybody's foster cat but I called her Stupid Cat. When I held out my fist she would give herself nuggies. When I took out the trash she would jump up on my shoulder and take a ride.

One day gf and I found a can of crab meat that Mom had stashed away. That and cream of mushroom soup and rice and Presto! Instant Chinese Dinner. Unfortunately we learned you don't cook it in one pot unless you want glue. What to do with it? Give it to the cat!

We put a glop of it back into the can and put it outside. Ten seconds later her head was stuck in it and when she backed up the can came with her.

Stupid Cat.
(Blob, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 5:21, Reply)

hamster horror
Visiting the ex's parents, the subject of pets arose.

"Tell crackhouseceilidhband about your hamster you had when you were little," says his mum.

"I had a hamster when I was little," says the 6 foot 6, hairy ex.

"No, tell her what you called it," says his mum.

"I, er, can't remember..." says the ex.

"Yes you can," prompts his mum.

"Er, Jimmy" says the ex, nervously.

"No, what was his full name?" says his mum.

"Um, just Jimmy" mumbles the ex as the last vestiges of his manhood crumble.

"No dear," says his mum triumphantly. "You called him Little Jimmy Sweetheart, and you thought of that name all by yourself!"

Bless. Or vomit.

Oh, and he didn't find it funny when I kept phoning his mobile randomly for the next few weeks, singing "Little Jimmy Sweetheart" to the tune of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang". I was laughing so hard I cried.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 2:04, Reply)

I assure you, it was completely innocent
I took some photos today while my boyfriend played with our bird, and when we were looking through them, we noticed that a couple of them looked a bit raunchy...





I promise, he doesn't really force birds to give him head or grope his erections while he dangles them by their wings... Actually, the bird's foot isn't anywhere near him... Ah, the magic of camera angles :) He insists that I also mention that it was only his shorts tenting... It's still pretty funny, though.
(RDT <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 1:58, Reply)

You Sex Me, I Love You, Yes?
My fiance's cat Cricket only recently started coming into season regularly as she was the runt of the litter and took a while to get going.

However, the last time she came into season I happened to be visiting and she decided that I was to be her concubine.

Cue three days of her following me around the house, yowling and snorting in what she presumed was a seductive fashion, and every time I turned around to tell her to fuck off she stuck her bum out at me and gazed provocatively at me over her shoulder.

There's something distinctly unsettling about having a cat beg you for sex.

Oh, and her fat ginger unrelated brother Hamlet will walk into empty pillowcases if you hold them in front of him - much fun to be had with Cat Trapped In Pillowcase Trying To Get Out games. And we once put a sock on his head. THAT was funny. And he also likes standing on the edge of the bathroom sink staring down the plughole hyptonised by the Zen-like question of where the drips go.
( Spazzcat jam out with your clam out, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 0:55, Reply)

Expensive cat
When I was younger, my mother had a mid-life crisis and bought a £450 Bengal cat.
He was really nice looking, with satiny fur - but £450!?
Anyway, we brought him home, but it was at an unfortunate time when out dog was having a phantom pregnancy, so she suckled him for about a month - but we weren't worried, as she'd done it with our other cat when we got it too.
Until the cat started jumping up at people when they came through the door, licking peoples faces, miaowing when the doorbell went and following the dog on walks. My mum even bought him a cat harness and lead, which he loved.

The dog and cat are both still alive, and he's a proper killer. My mum frequently has to take out pigeons, rats, mice, voles and various small birds - I think his record was 4 birds in one day. Recently, when I was visiting my mum, he brought in a mouse with the mouse trap still attached - cheat! And when I lived at home, he brought in a coi carp. I can't fathom HOW he did it... fishing in a pond? Did it jump out? It was a huge one too, one of those expensive ones.

Crazy.

Length? He's been done.
(Pik3y shagged your dad on, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 0:21, Reply)

Moi Cats
I have 2 kitties Tigger & Piglet, Piglet is a long haired kitty, which means she has long hair poking between her little toe pads, tigger does not, they regularly play chase with piglet running behind tigger, then they run across a shiny surface such as the dining room table or the wood floor tigger changes direction quickly, piglet does not and slides off or into walls depending on surface, it's the fact that she looks so embarrassed afterwards that makes it so funny.

Also Tigger has regularly stretched whilst laying on windowsill in the sun and fallen off, still not learned.

I love cats. Delicate they are not.



No apologies for the length of her fur, it's genetic.
( SQUID, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 0:09, Reply)

Pippin
A medium sized white cat with a few brown and black spots on her.

I'd say that I've owned her for about five years but if another cat questioned her she'd say that she owns me.

Over the last five years I've gone through divorce, bankruptcy, job loss, depression, a recurrence of alcoholism and plenty of other lows.

Throughout it all has been Pippin. She does'nt do any special tricks, she's had no brushes with death, she's just an ordinary cat.

What makes her wonderful is that when I've fallen, she's been there. We've had to move house several times - we've gone from rural farmhouse to scruffy chav terrace - yet she'll make friends and enjoy outside wherever she lives. She's watched me staggering about ripped to my tits on cheap white wine, but stayed until I got sober and I know that when I get home from the nightshift I'm currently working she'll be very happy to see me.

I'm single now. I'll be 39 soon. Frankly, I don't care because as long as Pippin is at large I'll have a companion.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 0:04, Reply)

there are some who call him Tim
Bless him-the maddest wee tabby to pad this earth,a mighty hunter to give him his due credit but ...........

I was sticking out some rubbish one night when i saw dear puss come hurtling down my back yard being chased by a HUGE blackbird !!!

Yep he who caught a variety of mice/birds and thus presented to us as a wee pressie experienced feathery karma in extremis.

Also encountered a mirrored cabinet i was repairing in my tool shed and wandered aroud the back to see where the "other" cat had gone,also clambered a 8 foot high clothes post and had to be rescued by my dad.

Miss his hairy prescence-the cat that is-my dad is still alive and due to age less furry
(shug, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 23:59, Reply)

smudge
ah smudge...
-lost both her fangs so couldn't bite properly
-heard voices in her head that she chased around the garden
-loved snow
-ate ANYTHING you put in front of her (including spiders)
-riddled with fleas (couldn't keep them off her for longer than a week)
-did once get hung from a washing line in an asda carrier bag (she loved it so don't start RSPCA)

she was ace! loved everyone unconditionally... even after the asda bag incident... she was a little bit mad
(whatktdid, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 23:41, Reply)

I used to have a pet carpenter

but we had to give him away. He kept leaving his stools all over the house.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 22:16, Reply)

hamster vs gerbils
When I was younger I had a hamster who was named Harry after the magician as he would escape from anything he was put in, even worked out how to unhook the catch on those hamster balls. Clever sod.

I also had two gerbils called Pinky & Perky, they did not like being picked up and were not domesticated at all.

Anyway we kept them in rather large fish tanks with chipboard wooden lids which had large bits of mesh fixed into them - which was great for hamster acrobatics.

They were placed about a foot apart from each other...

Somehow Harry managed to climb up the vertical side of glass of his tank, lift up the rather heavy (for a hamster!) chipboard lid, not decapitate himself, JUMP a foot clear across to the gerbils cage and get inside!

Now that is a a feat worthy of any magician...

We only found out that this is what had happened after my mum noticed later that evening the gerbils were not sleeping in their little house... They had bite marks and everything!

Length? I bet the hamster raped the gerbils too...
(anudeglory, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 21:43, Reply)

No custody fight
I'm getting divorced at the mo and there's no argument about who's getting the cat. My cat has never been keen on soon-to-be-ex and she runs away if she sees his gf.
About the same time that my dear husband started smuggling gf into the house for shagging sessions, my cat started getting very distressed and pooing/weeing places, noteably where it was happening. There was a big poo in the his room in the corner for a couple of months, I didn't bother telling my soon-to-be-ex (he has a poor sense of smell) and I only cleared it up when we decided to put the house on the market. Also found a big pool of wee on his mother's diary, cleaned it up with a pair of underpants that his gf had left behind.
Recently my soon-to-be-ex complained that the cat had been scratching his records! They were stacked on a bottom shelf in his room so that the ends of the covers made an ideal scratching post. Wondered what the tiny bits of paper all over the carpet were LOL
(biscuitsocks random gene expression, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 21:30, Reply)

My dad
went into his little garden, to his little pond, to feed the fish. He notices that the pond is full of thick green algae, so he kneels down to pull it out and get the little buggers some sunshine, and a bit of a view.

When he kneels down, his left knee lands in something squishy, and he hears a long 'parrrrrrrrrrrrp' which frightens the life out of him - he falls forward, arms flailing, and lands in a star shape clinging onto the sides, nose one inch from the water.

He shuffles round, bit by bit, and finally manages to get to his feet. As he does so, a very pissed off, flat frog jumps into the water.

Only my dad could kneel on a frog!
(Northern Lovely, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 21:09, Reply)

Cat tricks
Having just read the message from Purplegod, I can assure you that it is possible to train a cat.

It took me three days to train Jasper my lovable six month old ginger Tom cat. Yes I said ginger and lovable in the same sentence!

He sits and raises hi paw for a treat and I used the rewarding behaviour technique (well I am a teacher) and it did not take long. I love my Cat...
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 21:07, Reply)

My old dog Fluke
After being married for less than a month the wifey decides she was bored, so one day on a whim I go out and pick up a pup from a house advertising them free to a good home. So begins the life and times of Fluke.

various incidents of his life stick in my mind such as:

Jumping over a bench beside a sea wall and flying straight into the sea 20 feet below and having to be rescued by the father-in-law.

Demolishing every cushion in the house while we were out one night and hiding behind the chair when we came in to be greeted by a house covered in cushion guts. A picture of this exist somewhere and I'll try to dig it out.

Curling up on the bed with his nose tucked firmly up his arse, dozes off, farts and scares himself so badly he flew off the bed in a spectacular somersault.

Catching the budgie we got 23 hours previously after it had flown from my shoulder into the curtain and fallen. The look on his face said it all as he stood there with a budgie firmly in his mouth. After he dropped it in panic I picked it up to see the poor lil bugger dying of shock.

Running off and turning up at my parents house 2 days later.

Ah and he was called Fluke because as a pup he used to spend more time on two legs than four and would lie there mumbling like he'd been here before.

He was also the pickiest eater I've ever seen in a dog and would turn his nose up at anything less than Pedigree Chum and pigs ears.

He chased squirrels regularly and once cornered one by the lake near us. Never having caught one before he stood there just looking at the terrified squirrel, not knowing what to do next, for about 2 minutes before tufty ran like hell.

He died 5 years ago and we still miss the old bugger.
(Tyrion, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 20:53, Reply)

Learning Opportunity
Many years ago, when I was but a wee Godlet, my brother and I asked our Dad how they got animals to do tricks in the zoo. Now, this is my Dad's specialist subject, sort of, being a psychologist who'd done research on animals (not the nasty horrible chopping them up kind, more the 'are goldfish colour blind?' kind).

So he decided to show us. He made a machine that goes 'beep', without which it's not research, just arsing around, and some bacon. A whole packet of bacon, which he cut into small pieces. He then called the cat in.

He fed the cat a small piece of bacon. This got its attention, so she sat down to wait for more. Dad explained that he was going to train the cat to sit in the middle of the floor and raise a paw, whenever he made the machine go beep. This is apparently the standard technique (see this, and don't let anyone tell you b3ta isn't educational).

So we went for it. You start by waiting until the animal does something vaguely right, and reward that. Then you only reward behaviours that are nearer to what you want. And so on.

That's the theory. As far as I can work out, the cat decided that all it had to do was stay in the room, and it would be fed bacon.

A while later, we had a very annoyed Dad, whose experiment had failed; a very fat cat, which it took both of us to lift and carry to a quiet corner for a snooze; and a case of the giggles each.

Who'd have thought it. You can teach an old dog new tricks, but it seems that you can't teach a cat anything!
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 20:46, Reply)

Schipperkes and the laws of physics
I have a schipperke, a tailless cobby little jet-black dog. www.dogsindepth.com/nonsporting_dog_breeds/images/schipperke_kegs_h02.jpg Midnight will eat anything he can snarf off the carpet. I have long, waist length hair which ends up quite frequently in the carpet.

These two facts made the following inevitable: One day when we were out for a squat, he did his usual hunch over and poop. Tangled throughout were several strands of my hair, which didn't quite clear his bumhole. As he walks away, we both become aware he has a grape sized dingleberry hanging in the air.

He turns to see what the hell is knocking against his hocks and centrifugal force extends it out if his sight line slightly. He turns a little more quickly in order to catch it and said dingle flies straight out at the end of its tether. Now he's desperate to get whatever is pulling at his pucker and spins faster andfasternfastrnfstr until he's a black blur with a tiny orbiting poop-moon.

Exhausted, he staggers to a halt and glares at me as I continue to laugh like a loon. Newton's First Law of Motion ensures that the dingle is now stuck to his side. Newton's Second Law means it's really stuck, due to his mass. I have to carefully remove it without hurting his pride OR his bumhole.

He wouldn't acknowledge me for the rest of the day, thus proving Newton's Third Law of Motion.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 20:39, Reply)

Danny The Hamster
Danny...I quite normal name for a not-normal hamster my brother and i owned. Danny was bought at the same time as another hamster we had called Herbie...
Herbie died shortly after and only now do i wonder about this...
It wasn't long after that we realised that Danny was INSANE. Hamsters can be quite docile usually, but Danny acted as if he had the rage virus. In order for us to put him in his play ball we would have to have one divert his attention, while the other scooped him up.
Danny bit...
Danny jumped...
Danny beared his teeth...
....at to add to this Danny screamed..not like a girly scream more like some sort of Banshee, who was out for blood. He screamed at us, the cat (who had teh fear), the wind and the curtains.
Added to this that the mad beast lived to the age of seven (good going for a hamster), but he was almost completely bald, like one of those dodgy, bald cats.

Personally when he died i wasn't sure whether to bury him or cremate him to ensure he didn't come back!
Never seen anything like it before or since - anyone else?

*Length? - Damm right*
( Random Image Yes, yes, I'll speak to you on Monday, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 20:36, Reply)

Lottie strikes again
I was away for this one, but I'm assured by my brother that this is how it happened.

The house over the road from our (then new) house contained a strangely-shaped family, and their annoying yappy road rat. Said road rat fancied a change of venue for its bowel movements, and trotted over the road to our house, yapping madly. Unfortunately, it then decided to yap at Lottie. Lottie turned her nose up at this, and ignored the dog. It decided to push its luck. So Lottie reached around lazily with one paw and laid into the dog. One swipe was all it took. Road rat heads back across the road, howling in pain.

Apparently the owners tried to lay the blame on us, and brought the vet's bill over (some £700). My Dad hinted that they could shove it.

They never spoke to us again. I was thrilled, as it meant I didn't have to babysit their ugly snot-filled crotchfruit any more.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 20:35, Reply)

my pet Ron Jeremy
The good news is, it doesn't exactly lick it's balls...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 20:31, Reply)

I had a pet zombie

But then I accidentally remembered to feed it, and when I got back home it had lived.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 20:29, Reply)

wheres the turnips..?
had a rabbit when i was about 3. called it stuart..aka 'stu the rabbit'

my mother said that i've never actually lost the sick sense of humour i had as a child.

sad really
(mcspannered yes m'lord, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 20:05, Reply)

Bad boy Tom
Neither of my cats have ever accepted that they are, indeed, cats. Cute and fluffy they may be, but stereotypical cat behaviour? How boring and unoriginal.

Tommy's problem seemed to be related to a slight lack of inhibition when it came to his manly ways. He was shot in the head as a youth by kids playing with BB guns, and that seemed to signal the end of his interest in playing with cat toys or chasing small rodents and birds. Tommy would come home, sometimes after days away, covered in blood (often clearly not his own), mud, grass stains, oil, paint, you name it, and he would stay that way for weeks on end. He never cleaned, and wasn't big on sleeping much either. So, what did he do with his time? Fight. That's all life was about for our Tom. There was nothing he wouldn't challenge, and no-one he feared. You'd regularly hear foxes screaming out the back, and smile, knowing that Tommy was beating them in a fight again. It was only when I went to put the rubbish out one night that I caught a fox trying to run off down the alley, blood gushing from his neck, and three other foxes watching from a distance, and I realised just how hard Tom was. He was still hanging from the fox's neck by his jaws, trying to use his back feet as a brake.

I have to say, I always admired Tommy for his cunning and bravery, until the time I went to investigate his frenzied growling and caught him chasing a JCB down the street.
(cherrynicola, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 19:41, Reply)

Thor
We've got this big black cat who's soppy as fuck, he dribbles if you stroke him for over 2 minutes and then proceeds to flick it all over you. He's also got a fetish for duvets and especially sleepingbags, choosing them over the 3 female cats we have in the house. He hardly catches anything, that or he eats it straight after instead of bring it back to the house.

Except one time he did, unlike the other cats who bring us shrews or birds, he brought us a live baby rabbit, how he caught it I'll never know, we ended up having to get him to drop it into a bucket and then releasing it back into the fields.

Length? Well it looks longer now as he's decided to lick his whole crotch clean, the dirty bugger.
(sailorspoon started wiping his own arse from, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 18:47, Reply)