I...
...have a tandem. A bicycle built for two. It's tremendous fun, and it's also handy for the pub as I can give people a lift home on it. Tandem drunk riding is hilarious.

Anyway, one evening there were three of us. We decided that if the rider on the front stands up he can give bike rider number two a backie, while number three (the stoker if you want the technical term) rides as normal. Bit wobbly, but workable.

Anyway, we're weaving our way down the road when a copper spots us, rolls his eyes, and waves us to a stop. Uh oh.
We stop, all jump off the tandem and wait to get told off.

The copper glances at us, glances at the bike and says
'ah, sorry lads I didn't realise you were on a bike built for three. Carry on'

Er...ok. So we all clamber back as we were, and you can see the copper suddenly realise that it's NOT built for three, it's built for two but its too late now to say anything without losing authority.

So we all pretend everything is fine and carry on wobbling down the road on a bike built for two.
(inflateable, Sat 7 May 2011, 11:34, 2 replies)

All the proof they needed, and more.
My beloved grandmother was in hospital for a quite a while last year (it's alright, she's out and about again now) leaving her flat empty for around 3 months. One night - admittedly quite late at night - I popped in to grab a few things to take with me when I visited her the following day. Although I wasn't there very long, it was obviously long enough for one of the other old dears in her sheltered housing complex to spot lights on in Mrs Delight's flat when they knew she wasn't there... Suffice it to say, just as I'm hustling out with a big bag under my arm a police constable appears and asks me who I am:
"This is my gran's flat officer."
"Can you prove that sir?"
The complete photographic record of my development from newborn to mid-30's-guest-at-family-weddings that hangs on my gran's wall was deemed sufficient proof of my right to be there...
"Goodness me - what an extremely ginger little boy you were sir. Good night."
(scunnydelight, Sat 7 May 2011, 11:34, Reply)

Not me, but my friend Jamil (who has been known to embellish a story)
Jamil is a lovely bloke. From Senegal, through France, via Sweden to Blighty. He is also very black ("Born in the night" is a phrase he tends to use)

Whilst living in Sweden he was driving down an unlit road at night when a cop car drove towards him, suddenly turned in the road behind him and started to pull him over.

Now, the black population in Sweden is not exactly huge, and he had suffered racism before, so was slowly beginning to seethe at this perceived injustice.

Slowly, one of the cops starts walking towards his car, as he gets closer he stops and turns to his colleague, who appears to have started a laughing fit in the police car. He turns back to Jamil, walking as slowly as humanly possible until he gets to the drivers window.

The cop has gone bright red, and starts to almost stutter as he speaks. "Sorry sir. Err...I don't know quite what to say. It was dark, and, er, you are dark, and, er, I couldn't see anyone driving the car. I mean, it looked as if there was noone in the car. Sorry. You can go."

Jamil starts pissing himself with laughter, the other cop has walked up to the car as well and is still laughing as the cop who couldn't see goes redder and redder.

It was some time before Jamil stopped laughing and cold go on his merry way.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sat 7 May 2011, 10:52, 2 replies)

ello ello etc.
err.. I'm a copper (booooooo hissssss). great reading stories that go along the lines... and i met this pig and amazingly he wasn't a massive twat.
Pull up a sandbag and I could tell you tales about the 'particularly stupid'. People never fail to amaze me.
One fella came up to me when I was still in uniform saying 'i've done something stupid, i've bought this cocaine..' Eh? Well you've done 2 stupid things now. Lad was sent on his way. Cocaine had to be destroyed (sorry drug fans).
Probably shouldn't tell the juicier stories. Safe to say the countries full of idiots, and yes some of them are coppers.
(XRAYJAC, Sat 7 May 2011, 9:31, 8 replies)

Oh dear, I may have to sit on my hands this week
I have had dealings with the police all my life, right from the day i was born..............in a police station.
So every birthday must have some kind of police input.
In fact there have been only a few birthdays when it didnt happen.
So I have more friendly cop stories than bad
My best 2 birthday cop stories are thus.
Having a quiet birthday evening in with half a dozen friends, a nice meal with some (lots of ) wine, we were sitting chatting after dinner when there was a hammering at the door.
I answered to find 2 PCs and a WPC who had been called out by a complaint about noise.
My neighbour used to bang on the wall if my phone rang after 9pm so i knew where the complaint had come from, her curtains were actually twitching as she rubbernecked and waited for me to get a proper telling off.
It didnt take long for them to realise that the only sound coming from my place was the chatter of voices, we werent even playing any background music at that point.
After an apology and they were only doing their job etc, all 3 broke out into a chorus of "Happy birthday to you", we shook hands and off they tootled.
I waved at neighbours twitching curtains with a big grin :)

The piece de resistance birthday cop story.
I used to fly pitch jewellery. lay a cloth out on the pavement and flog hippy tat to the passing tourists.
I'd been doing this one afternoon on my birthday and decided to call it a day, as i had a party to get sorted and i'd made my party booze money.
As i was packing up, a cop suddenly appeared .
I smiled and said 'yeah ok i'm packing up and leaving now, no worries'
But he wasnt having it and next thing I know I'm being threatened with arrest .
For selling drugs, WTF?
He tells me he has reason to believe i'm using my fly pitched jewellery as a cover for selling drugs..
No amount of incredulous denial on my part sways him and i begin to get seriously worried as he informs me that a squad car is on its way to take me for a strip search at the local station and on no condition should I attempt to make a run for it.
I kept saying "this is a joke isnt it?" and he kept telling me that it wasnt and I was in serious trouble
He then took hold of my bag and grabbed my arm very forcefully, leaned over and growled the following words.
By the way, Ive got a message from your friend over there and pointed down the road.
Where a friend of mine was standing outside her shop pointing and giggling.
He then said "Happy Birthday" winked and walked off laughing.
I damn near wet myself, uttered a few choice words then laughed myself silly with relief.
Turns out she had called him over, pointed to me and said 'its her birthday, she has a police thing, go and wind her up'
And he was a very good sport and played along
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 7 May 2011, 4:00, 3 replies)

Traffic cops
Not so long ago ( recent enough that i should be ashamed of myself) I was walking home about 2am through the studenty bit of Bristol. Surrounded by students. They were hammered, as was I, and in the general spirit of petty larceny present at that time of night in said place i thought it would be a WICKED idea (as a 27 year old business manager) to swipe a mini traffic cone from the side of the road and take it home as a souvenir.

About a hundred yards down the road a cop car pulled up by the side of the road and the constable leaned out of the window to ask... 'is that yours?' I toyed with snappy replies for a moment and then said,'er, no, i just picked it up, shall i put it back?', like a decent member of the community.

'Oh, yes', says plod. Now, since he was on the same side of the road in a car I expected him to drive on and leave me to it, at which point he pulled a U-ey and gave me the slowest, most embarrassing police escort back to the roadworks you've ever seen, while Bristol Uni's finest staggered past giving me almighty abuse.

Like they've never done it.
(toomanypies, Sat 7 May 2011, 2:10, 2 replies)

Take that!
Here's a story from this very day.

I have an old friend who lives in a small city about two hours from my house. We've known each other for at least six or seven years- we met not long after her husband died, and have been a source of support to one another through various trials and tribulations. She's considerably older than I am so it's been more like a brother-sister relationship than anything, but we've gotten very close over the years.

She has a small company that she had with her husband, and since he died it's gradually dwindled to nothing. She's been in the process of closing it down for a couple of months now, and has gotten it pared down to a minimal amount that we had planned on moving out of the office in the next week or so.

On Monday the landlords, a particularly nasty law firm that inhabits the top portion of the building, came down at 4:45 and escorted her from the premises and had the locks changed because she was one month behind on her rent. If she wanted her computer or her papers back, she had to give them $635 in cash.

I came out on Tuesday to help her take out the computers and papers, at least, leaving the office furniture for them if they really wanted it. They flatly refused to let us in. She left there in tears and we went back to her house, where she started drinking vodka.

I had to go back on Wednesday, but as I couldn't raise her all day Wednesday or Thursday I was getting worried. I called a lawyer I know and consulted with him, and he agreed that what they were doing was illegal- they had not followed proper procedure for eviction, so therefore she is still their tenant. I came to her house and found her still in a deep depression, but managed to get her roused up to go and at least talk to the local sheriff's office.

On the way there we stopped by the office and found that there were workmen inside. With her friend Maggie we popped in and, before they could stop us, grabbed all of the paperwork that was in sight and the computer and got them into the back of the car.

I had no sooner set down the CPU when the building manager emerged, yelling for me to put it back as it was now their property. I politely refused. He made to grab it but I lunged to block. He then tried to grab a second computer from Maggie, who asked "Are you going to assault me?" He leaped back as though burned, and started threatening to call the sheriff. I replied, "Please do. We are planning on going to see him anyway. Please let him know that we are on our way."

We left there with him yelling things after us.

The sheriff couldn't take any action because the courts have not been notified of this and have not directed him, but he indicated that he sees no real troubles in getting her stuff back. As this is the law firm that usually gets hired by corporations to shake down the little people, they thought that steamrolling over an elderly widow and extorting six hundred bucks would be easy. Well, we've filed paperwork against them to appear before the courts and explain themselves.

Should be fun.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 6 May 2011, 23:40, 8 replies)

A traffic coppiceman pulled me over ..
..and asked me, sir - What is the speed limit on this road?

My reply:

Well if I really hoof it off the roundabout I reckon I get get to 120 mph before the junction.
( Signify, Fri 6 May 2011, 22:41, Reply)

In the Time Before Honda Accords
There were 4 of us in a Triumph Herald convertible that was parked in a car park halfway up Box Hill.

Many spliffs were rolled and as we had purchased some fine quality Red Leb we were all wasted after half an hour or so. From our elevated vantage point we watched cars and also planes going to and from Gatwick. We were at peace with the world and the world was at peace with us as we alternately gawped at the world with scary eyes and dozed in a marijuana induced haze.

"Err-Hum!!" and we all woke up to reality to see a policeman standing next to us and Panda car parked a short distance away.

"Hi" the policeman said "What are you doing up here at this time of the morning?"

We bullshitted about enjoying the view and the planes and cars etc and the policeman seemed to really empathise with our stoned logic.

"Yeah", "It's really peaceful up here - you can feel at one with the world" he said and nodded sagely. We agreed and he suddenly said "Oooh look: there's a pixie over there!!"

Yes, we all looked, whilst the policeman walked back to his car sniggering!!!
( Vambo, Fri 6 May 2011, 22:01, 2 replies)

Klunk Klick,, you stupid prick
This is possibly a pearoast, I know I've posted it somewhere....

OK, picture the scene:
My mate Gormless Graham sitting in his old Bedford van at the traffic lights, waiting to turn left. Next to him waiting to turn right, is a Jam Sandwich.

Graham looks down into the police car, to see the policeman in the passenger seat looking up at him, expressionless face, mirror shades, like the cop from Terminator 2.

The policeman sits there for a moment then to Graham’s astonishment, does a rude hand gesture, implying Graham is, well, a wanker.
Graham, startled, looks ahead.
“No way. NO WAY. That copper just did the wanker sign at me! Surely not?”

He looks back down.

The cop is still looking up, and still gesturing long slow monkey-spanking strokes with his right hand in Graham’s direction.

“Shee-it, he’s definitely doing it, he’s definitely calling me a wanker” thinks our Gra.
At that moment, the lights change.
Graham sees his chance, leans out of the van (those old Bedfords had sliding doors) and sticks his Vs up at the policeman, screams “Fuck You” and guns it into the turning. Ha, that showed him.

Seconds later, the inevitable siren as the patrol car hammered up behind him, having done a quick about-turn.

Graham, shaken at being insulted by a strange cop who then has the temerity to chase him when he retaliates, pulls over immediately.

“OK sir, why exactly did you feel it was necessary for that little outburst at the lights?” began the exasperated Mr Plod
“You started it”
“I beg your pardon sir, I did nothing of the sort.”
“You did. I was sitting there happily minding my own business, then you looked up and started making hand signals calling me a wanker.”

The cop thought about this for a second and said softly
“Sir, I was trying to tell you to put your seat belt on.”

Do the actions, then you can see Graham's point.
(Rsoles, Fri 6 May 2011, 21:26, 1 reply)

A pea that is roasted
I was driving home one night and the car behind was tailgating and driving with full beams causing me to swerve slightly due to being blinded.

Then on came the blue lights. I was pulled over and greeted by one of the Queen's finest.

"Good evening sir could you tell me why you were driving in an erratic fashion?"

In hindsight maybe it was not the best answer in the world to say:

"Some cunt was trying to rear-end my car while blinding me with their full beams."

"That was me".

A fine and 3 points later I was on my merry way. Fuck it, it was worth it.
(Chuckman, Fri 6 May 2011, 20:50, 3 replies)

serves her right
in the supermarket one day, i saw(and bloody heard) a fat munter of a woman screaming at her kid, telling him in no uncertain terms that he couldn't have the bag of sweets he wanted, as she didn't have enough money. she obviously needed all of her money to pay for the booze filling her trolley. i got stuck behind her at the checkout and had to listen to her repeatedly threatening to hit the child if he didn't stop crying. nice woman.
as i only had a few things to pay for, i got out of the store in time to see her screaming at the poor kid again. i really felt sorry for the poor little bugger.
then, she spied a policeman. "look!" she said, "this policeman's going to arrest you for being bad if you don't shut up, aren't you, policeman?" she asks, turning towards plod.
plod looks her up and down in a thoroughly disgusted manner. "no, i'm not." he replies. "however, i may arrest you if you threaten to hit that child one more time."
the look on that bitch's face was fucking priceless. the best thing, though, was the copper giving the kid a sly wink as he sauntered away.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 6 May 2011, 19:02, 6 replies)

I wrote a song about the Police
Skullfunk - Smiling Assassin

It was inspired by the officer that told me Jess had been killed.

Sorry for lack of funnies... hope you enjoy the song though
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 6 May 2011, 18:33, 2 replies)

Tried To Evict The Harridan
I had an obnoxious woman living in my house, and I wanted to evict her, but I wanted to do so in an incremental, non-confrontational nice way (and also avoid the 60-day mandatory waiting period). So, using a package of generic "legal" documents available from the stationery store, I put together an official-looking eviction notice, and served her with it.

That started an argument that edged towards violence, so I called the cops. Two cops arrived and assessed the situation. In particular, they studied the dubious-looking eviction notice. They looked at me, and started laughing. The harridan started laughing too. Nosy neighbors came around asking questions, and they started laughing too.

Bastards. The harridan is still there too. "A man's home is his castle." Whoever wrote that is a bastard too.

Bastards, all.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 6 May 2011, 17:59, 5 replies)

WPC put down
Warning MASSIVE DRUGS..

I was a silly raver in the late 80's early 90's. One rave we went to in some field in Oxfordshire, the police were there but when they arrived there were so many people there they just decided to stick around if any real trouble started.

I was, as ever at these "dos", off my chops and I was bouncing about on the fringes of the crowd. When I spotted a truly georgeous woman, cute as a button and a WPC. I boinged up to her and hit her with a killer chat up line, "Fancy a dance?"

"Yeh sure if you fancy a night in the cells you drugged up idiot"

I loved her even more but boinged off back into the crowd
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 6 May 2011, 17:46, 3 replies)

Mushy pea
Wavy lines etc. to roughly twenty years ago. On the school bus (which was run by the local bus company so in normal commercial livery) and we get pulled over by a motorbike policeman. He comes round to the front, climbs aboard, turns and looks at the forty or fifty fresh faced youths of assorted ages and asks the driver, "Are these your children, sir?".

He didn't appear to be joking.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 6 May 2011, 17:41, Reply)

One last good cop story
Two Police men saved my (and my friend's) life - When we were very young, 13 or 14 - we got severely battered by some older lads in a very remote part of town (as we were taking a short cut home after playing Street fighter II in the arcades).

Anyway, to cut a long story short - we got approached by these two psycho's who started making small talk with us, and then asked us for money. I refused and started to walk away, but got punched in the face. This was the first real punch i'd ever felt, utterly stunned me. I fell to the floor. The older lads then kicked the living fuck out of both of us, for about five or ten minutes - taking it in turns, to kick us in the face, punch us, knee us, elbow us... Quite literally torturing us.

They then started picking up bricks and dropping them near our heads, one of the lads pulled out a knitting needle and tried to stab my mate with it. Luckily, very fucking luckily - A police car had pulled up and had noticed these two bigger lads leaning over something (us).

The coppers grabbed the fuckers and chucked them in the car, and then ran my mate to the hospital and took me home to my granddad, and i'll never forget the look on my Grandad's face as he opened the door to see my bloody, bruised face with torn clothes and the Police standing behind me.

I genuinely think, if those coppers hadn't turned up, then we'd have both been murdered.

I'd like to thank them for saving my life.

Sorry for lack of funny.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 6 May 2011, 17:33, 1 reply)

Clunk click for every trip!
Aged around 8 and 11, myself and my sister were (as usual) buckled up in the back of our parent's large estate car*. My mum was driving, my dad was in the passenger seat and we'd just pulled off a roundabout when a police car signalled for us to stop.

My mum, a nervous driver at the best of times, pulled to an uneasy halt at the side of the road as all four of us looked at each other in confusion. We had no idea what this was about. The policeman walked over to the drivers side as my mum opened the window. He leaned in, and in the most accusatory voice I may have ever heard, boomed at her "DO YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN?"

"Yes" squeeked my mum, more confused than ever.
"Then why aren't they wearing their seatbelts?" he said, as his stern gaze turned to us.

My sister and I looked at each other. We looked at each others seatbelts which had been firmly fastened on leaving the driveway at home, and were indeed still buckled in place.

"They're fastened!" I protested.
"We always do!" said my sister and I nodded fiercely in agreement.

The policeman narrowed his eyes. I think he knew we weren't the type of family that he'd have expected to pull over, but he knew what he'd seen. Reluctantly he said "Well, make sure they stay that way." and told my mum how she was to safely pull back into traffic.

As he walked away there was a moment in the car where we all just paused, wondering what the hell had just happened. My mum, still shaken from the initial question hadn't even started the car when the policeman came marching back.

"I've just seen what's happened" he said, clearly relieved that he wasn't going mad. "You have kids seats in the boot don't you? Those were the seatbelts I saw that were unfastened!"

And indeed they were. Two fold down seats in the boot for when Grandma and Grandad were in the car and there wasn't room for us kids in the back. Even this sensible explanation did nothing to soothe my mothers nerves however and the rest of journey suffered from somewhat more erratic gear changes than usual. Bless. She really does love us.

*Apologies for lack of Honda Accords
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 6 May 2011, 17:14, Reply)

Coolest Police man I ever saw
Was at Glastonbury festival 95 (I think)...

Me and my missus sat at the stone circle, watching a police man wandering around chatting to everyone.

He just kept smiling and grinning and he couldn't stop bouncing his head to the sound of the drums and bongo's. He obviously couldn't give a damn that people were drugged up, he was quite clearly just enjoying himself and checking up on the occasional sleeping person to see if they were alright.

I shook his hand as he wandered past and asked him if he was having a nice time. Lovely bloke. Told me how lucky he was to be at the festival and be getting paid for it.

:)
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 6 May 2011, 17:12, 1 reply)

LAPD
I was in LA for the first time a couple years ago, and a few of us wasted no time in leaving the hotel and hitting Sunset. We were drinking beer towers (4 foot plastic tube filled with lager and a small tap at the bottom) in a bar called Saddle Ranch.

It was my round and I duly coughed up a $100 note to pay the tab. A couple of minutes later, the manager comes over and explains that the note I've just given him is fake and would I mind giving more money to conclude the transaction.

I inform him that I wish to have the note back and Ill gladly pay the required sum.

'Oh no', says he, 'its an illegal note, so I have to confiscate it'.

Now, I may have been severely jet lagged, and perhaps a touch inebriated but even through that double combo of brain fog I clocked that this was more than likely a rouse to claim some huge tips out of us unsuspecting tourists.

'Jog on sir' I inform him, 'go and get it'.

He refuses again, and a heated exchange follows. Eventually, I say, 'Fine, get the Sheriff up here, and he can give me a report or something that says you've taken it and I can claim it back from Travelex.'

The manager informs us that we really dont want to get the police involved, to which we of course shouted back 'I bet you fucking dont you thieving yankee bastard'.

We decide to leave and as we walk down the road no less than 4, yes FOUR, LAPD squad cars roar up to us, blocking traffic and boxing us in.

Im bundled into the back of the police car and spend the next 20minutes being grilled by 3 officers one after the other, the last of which informs me that using forged currency is a Federal offence. For those not accustomed to US law, thats pretty fucking bad. He informs he they can either let me go, or llock me up until a judge issues bail.

Inwardly I think 'Holy fucking Christ!!!!!' ...yet outwardly, somehow I remain composed enough to ask 'I see, so what are you going to do?'

Luckily for me, the cop agrees to let me go.
~~~~~~~~~
Fast forward to 3am the next morning. I get a call from the night manager that an officer from LAPD is here and wants to speak to me. I get the same 'Holy fucking Christ' feeling again and walk down to the lobby. Waiting for me is the same guy from the night before who strides up to me with the kind of swagger only and American cop can command.

Mr Mobi, we've had the guys at the lab examine the note and have concluded that it is legal tender, it is just an older note, here it is back.

"Say what?"

"Sorry for the trouble, enjoy the rest of your stay."

And he walks out.

Im sure had I not been so stressed/relieved/glad it was fucking over, I could have had grounds to sue or something, but to be honest I was pretty fucking shell shocked.
~~~~~~~~~
Epilogue:
Our room was broken into the next night and my wallet got nicked along with the note.
Cosmic.
(mobi I completed the Internet on 'hard'. Twice., Fri 6 May 2011, 17:11, 8 replies)

I met Polly Page from The Bill
She was on my street for some fund raising thing. I got her autograph. Cheers.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 6 May 2011, 16:54, 1 reply)

Caught.
I haven’t been in trouble much, but there is one time worth recalling. Not that I remember a great deal about how I got there, sitting in the back of the police van as high as a kite feeling like I was in some kind of nightmare. A terrifying place to find yourself at the age of 15 to be honest. Alone, abandoned by the one person I would trust to know what to do – my brother, kicking myself for not just staying home like I’d planned.

It’s easy to get bullied by the police at 15, being coerced that it would be better to own up and tell them who’d sold me the drugs and then they’d let me go. As if I could have done anyway, it was just some bloke I’d never met before. Proper good cop bad cop though, the other guy telling me he’d make me wish I’d never left the house. Still, even that was nothing compared to when my mother showed up, all shouting and dramatic, telling me she was ashamed of me and that my Dad would have thrown me out for sure.

It was worth it though, I mean, it had been super grass.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 6 May 2011, 16:48, 3 replies)

Do you have a police record?
No, but I have a Sting album.

Apologies, it was funny when I was 12...
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Fri 6 May 2011, 16:42, 2 replies)

Nevada's finest
Few months ago I was in Vegas, just hired a car and was driving down Flamingo Road when I hit another car. Entirely my fault, we pulled into a car park to wait for the cops. The guy I hit was pretty relaxed about the whole thing, mistakes happen, that's what insurance is for. When the cops turn up, one took my version of the story, one took the other guys and then took his details before letting him on his way, then started taking mine. The cop who was giving me th ticket started taking my details from my New Zealand driving licence. He was entering them into his little computer when he looked up all confused and asked "is New Zealand a country?" His partner looked stunned and sarcastically replied "its in Germany" (an odd answer, but off the cuff so quite good). Cop number one shrugged and carried on. When he gave me my ticket my address was printed as

New Zealand
Germany.

I didn't bother paying it.
(philipsteak, Fri 6 May 2011, 16:29, 5 replies)

Perhaps they do have a sense of humour
One evening, in a town far, far, away (OK, Canterbury) after consuming a considerable quantity of cheap studenty beer, myself and friend were walking (staggering) back to college when we came across a corner shop with one of those tin signs advertising Walls Ice Cream outside - the kind like a free-standing sandwich board on the pavement. Always being on the lookout for such things to decorate our college kitchen, we picked it up between us and set off on our way. We'd only gone a few hundred yards when a cop car screeches to a halt and the copper winds his window down and leans out. "Do you want to put that back or spend the night in cells?" he enquires. My friend looks straight at the copper and says "Ooh, that's too difficult. Ask me one on politics instead." I can smell the police station cells at this stage. But the copper just sighed and said "Put it back." So we did.
(Zumbruk, Fri 6 May 2011, 16:18, Reply)

What is it???
I was a hardcore goff back in the day, (pictures on request) and one night I was got up in my finest attire, PVC shorts and thigh boots, bustier, three pairs of false eyelashes, multi-coloured hair extensions and jewellry glued to my forehead. I was also going through a particularly wanky phase of smoking Sobranie Cocktails for a bit of po-mo irony. My then boyfriend and I spent a good evening dancing and drinking until the early hours, having a lovely time till some little scrote took exception to him and hit him over the head with a bottle. (I was also doing Muay Thai at that point and had him pinned against the wall till the bouncers came without even spilling my drink - a true Glaswegian!) Anyway, the boy was bleeding like a stuck pig so we went to casualty, he was taken in for treatment and I sat there, like the Emperor Vespasian in drag, surrounded by Glasgow's finest lovers and fighters in A&E at 2am in the morning. There was also a very drunk guy handcuffed to a young police officer who was raving on and on about wanting a cigarette, getting louder and more aggressive as time passed, I began to feel a bit frightened. Eventually his complaints got too much for the policeman who turned to me long-sufferingly, and said 'Excuse me Miss, do you have a cigarette please'.
It was my finest hour as I flipped open my pack of pastel-coloured cancer sticks, and proferred them. The looks of disbelief on the police guy and the drunk's faces were classic as they surveyed these wonders. Finally the drunk guy meekly selected a bright pink one, and sat down, quiet for the first time in an hour. All except his anguished whisper to the officer 'But what IS it????' and the response 'i don't know either Sir. Just smoke it' :D
(resurrection_mary cannibal_ferox, Fri 6 May 2011, 16:14, 8 replies)

Complete Lie

I was in a bar, yesterday, and the barman (who was an ex-cop) recommended the Bin Laden Cocktail.

"What's in it?" I asked


"Two shots and a splash"


Cheers

The best Bin Laden death joke I've heard. And it came from links. Not my own work.


( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 6 May 2011, 15:47, 7 replies)

Wasting a cop's time
Back in the early 80s, Texas changed the drinking age from 18 to 21 right before my 18th birthday. When I visited New Orleans (in the neighboring state of Louisiana) for the first time shortly after, I walked up to a policeman and asked "What is the drinking age here?" He rolled his eyes and said, "If a bartender doesn't serve you, just go to another bar."
(nyversion, Fri 6 May 2011, 15:44, Reply)

My Grandma used to live in Pasedena...just outside L.A.
She had an antiques shop on Green Street (91106 if your that interested). My family and I went to vist her shop and were wandering down the street towards it chatting about the last time she had a gun shoved in her face and was told to fill the bag (swag not colostomy, although both may have happened). My dad, ever the insightful and wise man that he is, was saying how it's not that bad anymore around the area and the only thing to worry about were the earthquakes.

Just as he ended that sentence we hear a shout "Hey, that's my car" looking up we see a guy standing by a car that then wheelspun off down the road and disappeared around the corner. We'd been in the states 4hours at that point and had just witnessed our first carjacking...nice. Anyway the guy whos car it was wanders off to call the cops, but he misses the "perp" doubling back and going back the way he came.

Me and my dad went to find the car owner to tell him/offer help and find him around the corner talking to one of LAPDs finest...Now at this point the guys car could still be seen speeding off down Green Street (it's a pretty long, wide road) so we jog up to the copper and victim to tell him that the guy doubled back, can still be seen and that if he goes now he'll catch up. The cops response..."well, you need go down the station and make a report"...but the guys just there!! never mind, a report is still needed before he can give chase!...Makes me glad to live in England where the police actually make some sort of effort to catch criminals.
(Bushcricket, Fri 6 May 2011, 15:39, 3 replies)